Summary: Naruto finds true love.

Disclaimer: I don't own what other people do. I do own me, though.

Feedback: Sure thing... I like hearing how I can improve :)

Pre-fic Comments:

WARNING! Hentai stuff ahead. Don't read this if you're... say, under 18. Or intolerant of really perverted stuff. Erm, this fic is het, not slash.

You have been warned.

Naruto was in a fix. As always, to calm his nerves, he prepared a cup of instant ramen, then put it down to sit while he mused over his problem.

Hinata-chan said she wanted to take their relationship to the "next level". He wasn't entirely sure what she meant, but did know that it meant hugging and kissing, then something that he had no idea about. One thing Naruto was sure of, though, was that he didn't want to look like (even more of) an idiot in front of Hinata-chan.

He ran a list of his role models through his head.

Ero-sennin. No way. He'd seen the way the Toad Sennin was treated by women he hadn't paid beforehand -- and Naruto didn't want to be slapped by the love of his life. Given Jiraiya's sense of humour, Naruto wouldn't have trusted his advice in any case.

Iruka-sensei. Hmmm. The chuunin knew a lot about life, possibly even about girlfriends. Naruto doubted it, though -- he knew more than most about Iruka-sensei's homelife, and knew that the man had never had a girl so much as look in his direction.

Kakashi-sensei. Naruto immediately struck the tardy jounin-sensei's name off the list for the same reason as Ero-sennin -- with the additional fact that Kakashi'd probably blow him off with some bullshit excuse, then go read porno.

Tsunade? Hell no. He'd already been beaten down by her for his Sexy no Jutsu -- he figured he knew what she'd do to him when she learnt he wanted to get to know Hinata-chan on a new level.

Hmmm.

This was harder than he'd thought it'd be.

"Itedakimasu," he chimed, before ripping into his ramen.

Naruto had come up with a surefire way of figuring out this "next level" stuff.

The Library.

It was stocked with textbooks on human relationships for kunoichi to use on deep infiltration missions. He was pretty certain there would be something in there to help him figure this out.

Tiptoeing into the tomb-silent building, he tried to avoid one of his longterm enemies.

"You again, Naruto! Get out! OUT!"

Being beaten over the head with a broom hurt. It had only been the one paintbomb, too -- couldn't the old obaa-teme take a joke?

"Naruto, what do you want," Sakura asked flatly.

"Why do I want anything," Naruto asked nervously, grinning like a lunatic.

"If it were just me, then I'd have blackmail material to go to Hinata with," Sakura said. "But Tenten and Ino, too?"

"Ano... well, Hinata-chan said she wanted to 'take our relationship to the next level'," Naruto said. "I don't know what she means by that!"

The three girls looked at each other and giggled evilly.

Naruto's eyes widened. He knew this had been a mistake.

Grumpy, he went to bed. He'd wound up taking the three through the shopping district, to buy their silence about the whole affair, and still had no idea what Hinata-chan had meant.

A groan echoed around the concrete sewer popularly known as Naruto's mind.

Why the hell did that bastard fox want to talk to him!

"What now," Naruto roared at the gate held shut by the seal. "I've got bigger problems than dealing with you!"

"I've been... watching you," the demon kitsune said. "Pathetic! You want to know what she wants?"

"Well, yeah," Naruto said. "Baka."

Kyuubi snorted. "I know what she means."

"Really," Naruto asked, brightening up. "Tell me, please!"

"Why should I? I'm just a 'bastard fox'."

"Uh... because you're a really, really great demon and I'd really, really appreciate it and owe you one?"

Kyuubi considered this, before deciding to tell Naruto one way to take Hinata's words. "You sure you wanna know?"

"Yeah," Naruto said, frustrated.

"Okay... you ever look through the hardcore porno mags for your Sexy no Jutsu," Kyuubi asked.

"Hell no," Naruto said. He'd picked one up once, but the shopkeeper had threatened to give him a royal beatdown if he didn't put it back.

"Right," Kyuubi said, satisfied that Naruto had no idea one way or the other. "Now, if you're gonna learn this shit from me, you gotta promise that you'll pay attention and go through with this."

"This is important to Hinata-chan," Naruto said. He'd gone through a week of hell without ramen, once, to prove his devotion to a once-doubtful Hinata. "'Course I'm going through with this."

"Okay," Kyuubi said, satisfied. The shape of the huge demon fox shimmered, shrinking into a tall, humanoid figure with fox ears and a bushy tail in a male kimono. A second form shimmered into being, basically a female equivalent of his form. "First thing is, restraining 'em."

"Restraining," Naruto asked, worried. He hadn't gotten very high scores in tying ropes at the Academy.

Iron chains fell from the unseen ceiling, and Kyuubi pulled the kitsune-onna's wrists up, manacles clamping onto them. "Next thing is the blindfold and gag. You getting all this?"

Naruto nodded. "Chains, gag, blindfold."

"Okay," Kyuubi said. "Next thing... to tease her."

With that, the demon fox unceremoniously ripped the kimono off the female kitsune-shape.

Naruto blushed, but kept watching. Kyuubi was the only being that he could trust to not blackmail him or give him bad advice. What the hell would it get out of screwing him up?

"The important thing," Kyuubi said, producing little metal devices, "is to make sure that the two sensations of pleasure and pain get mixed. For /her/."

"Ewwww! You nasty fox," Naruto yelled, pointing at the fox'es crotch, where an erection was becoming increasingly obvious.

Kyuubi rolled his eyes. Just how stupid was Naruto? "This is sex, kid, what did you think was involved? Now shut the hell up, or I'm stopping right here and now."

Naruto's eyes widened, as he went silent as the grave. This was sex? He'd heard about the existence of sex, but no one ever told him what it was about, they only brushed him off and said 'When you're older'.

"Now, if we're finished discussing the matter," Kyuubi said sarcastically, "nipple clamps are one commonly used item. Some people go for clamps, other folks go for alligator clips. This case, we're going for clamps..."