They say better to hold your tounge and be thought a fool than to speak and be proven one. They also say better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. But whoever holds there tounge all the time without risking saying something foolish would never talk, and whoever loves and loses will never forget. I would rather be proven a fool a thousand times over than never talk. You could never tell your love without risking looking a fool, or comment on a film, or even a case without risking being shown as a fool. Yet if you risk loving someone and then lose them surely the pain is worse than never loving. Phil doesn't think so, he says "if you've never loved you've never lived"
The problem with Phil is he's loved to much.
Maybe i should have taken more of a risk with him. Maybe i should have given our relationship a try, but the thing is although i can risk looking a fool i can't risk losing a love. I'd rather never love at all.
They say follow your heart and you'll never go wrong. I can't help but regret the fact that i have ignored mine. But Stuart is a nice guy. He's safe, he's not a risk, and i don't love him. Not like i love Phil and that makes all the differance.
Yet it doesn't seem worth it. In protecting my heart from breaking by chosing to ignore it it's hurting all the more. Stuart doesn't have that cute smile, or that warm voice. I don't feel safe with him and he doesn't make me felel all warm in side.
In romania i could never have survived if it had been Stuart beside me, I think he would have been freaking out more than me. We'd have both been shot dead when that man shot through the window at me and even if we survived that no way Stuart would have found that little bed and breakfast or stayed there if he had.
Maybe it is better to have loved and lost than never to love at all. Or maybe it's better to just ignore these little proverbs and start broadening my mind with koans.
After all whats the sound of one hand clapping?