What A Horrible Way To Go...
Death by Pretzel
It was January in what would have been Harry's seventh year. Had he gone anyway. Not that it was important. Especially to one particular dark lord.
Lord Voldemort, aka Tom Marvolo Riddle, aka DonkeyRaper36, aka Gimme_You're_Sweet_Loving_Up_My_Ass_With_A_Wasabi_Enema, was currently sitting atop his black throne, looking down upon his wretched followers with casual disdain. His throne, a converted chamber pot seat from an old castle, currently had the hole open, where Bellatrix LeStrange was cleaning his rusty sherrif's badge with her tongue. Yep, her licky-licky was touring the entrance ramp to his hershey highway; she had been kissing his ass figuratively for many years, to do so literally was a pleasure obvious to all who could hear anything at all, as she moaned in obvious delight. When she had said that she would eat the corn out of his ass, she had appearantly not been kidding.
As he was contemplating dark, mysterious, and overwhelmingly perverse thoughts, he was interrupted by ragged and heavy breathing... which was coming from his most morbidly obese thrall, Wormtail. The fat man was pouring sweat from all pores, which disturbed the dark lord to no end, as he knew that the whale cum popsicle had only moved some thirty feet or so, having received some sort of missive and ran the short distance...very...slowly...
The former marauder opened his maw and began to repeat the message, "My Lor - "
"Crucio."
"AAAUUUUGGGGHHHHH!"
"Do not disturb me when I am deep in thought Wormtail! You know how sensitive I am!"
"My apologies my - "
"Crucio."
"SQQQUUUEEEE!"
"Do not interrupt me you insolent skid-mark!"
Asside from a few whimpers of pain, and random twitching, he remained silent.
"Crucio."
"MMMAAAMMAAAA!" (*PIDDLES*)
"Well? Do not simply lay there...(*sniff*)...what is that smell? Wormtail! Did you wet yourself in fear of me?"
After bringing his sobs under control, he attempts to respond. "Y-yy-yessss m-mmmmast-tt-ter."
"Crucio."
"!" (*PPHHHTTTTBLLTTPHBLT!*)
"..."
"..."
"My lord", Lucius Malfoy had said when no one else was brave enough to open their mouths, a sneer of revolted disgust pulled across his features, "I do believe that Wormtail has shat himself unconscious."
"...So it seems. How many times this week does that make it?"
He looked up at the black board that told of such things. "Ten times, my lord. I believe that this a personal best sir."
"Indeed. I believe congratulations are in order. Wormtail...Wormtail! Damnation, Crucio! Wake up fool, and get my pretzels of celebration! Now!"
The man shakily got up to his feet, only...
"Crucio."
"GRGLGURGLEGRK!" (*PHPLATBLUBLUBSPLAGOOTCHE!*)
"Clean yourself up while you're at it! I will not have my throne chamber smelling of your ass, as mine is more than enough for all of you. Bella. Bella! Crucio. Pay attention damn you and lick to your left. No, you stupid woman, the other left. Damn your worthless hide", he said, lifting up the front of his robes, flashing all those in attendance. Goyle stood there, staring at the dark lords...ithood..., vomit pouring from his mouth like an open faucet.
"Crucio.", he said, pointing his wand betwixt his legs aiming at LeStrange. It was a crying shame he missed then, hitting himself in what would be his penis were he a normal human, in his case it was...something else. A short high pitched sqeal later and then, "Merlin's hairy shit crevice! That hurts like hell! Bella! Put your face where I can see it!"
"Right here master!", she squeed happily, sh...ocolate...yes, chocolate, we'll go with that, covered her face from nose to chin.
"Crucio."
"!" (*PPPWWWEEEE!*)
"Shit in a sock, I had forgotten you actually enjoy it. No matter. Although I am curious as to what that noise was that escaped your bowels, I am not curious enough to ask. Nor care now that I think about it."
It was at that moment that his mind began to digress to other, less important things, like conquering the world, or defeating his nemesis, Harry Potter. Then Wormtail arrived with his pretzels of celebration, and that became his all consuming obsession. At least for now.
Peter limped his way through the throng of Death Eaters and delivered his payload of icing laced, chocolate covered, peanut butter filled, lightly salted preztel bites. He was about to take a bite out of one and masterb-cate, masticate, damn these tricky words...he was going to masticate those chocolate salty balls into a creamy, chewy, salty...(A/N: I just puked in my mouth a bit, sorry) mass of manlove given physical form...(A/N: Shit, did it again) when he remembered what had caused all this in the first place.
"Wormtail, you simpering bag of troll ass! What was it you were trying to tell me before I crucioed you into a mess of piss and shit?"
"My lord", he said and then flinched, anticipating his masters cruel touch. When nothing came, he relaxed. When he opened his mouth to speak again, well, it should be obvious what was going to happen.
"Ye - "
"Crucio. And...Crucio. Two for flinching."
Peter fell to his knees and did his rendition of the junkie shakes; his eyes rolled into the back of his head and his mouth frothed with white foam while his body shook violently.
"Do not flinch, Wormtail. It's unbecoming. Continue."
"Grk. Of course master. As I was saying, the Potter boy said that he was going to attempt to kill you, my lord."
"Foolish boy! does he not know that I am immortal? How pray tell did he intend to acomplish this goal?", he asked as he popped one of his chocolate cream filled, salty balls into his mouth (A/N: Ugh, there it goes again).
Wormtail winced slightly. "He said that he was going to poison one of your pretzel bites, master."
Voldemorts eyes widen in surprise. As he unconciously chewed, he realized that this might not be a good idea, but it was a bit too late. The pretzel bite, now thoroughly moistened, transfigured itself into a 15 inch black rubber cock, that, with the aid of a permanent sticking charm, proceeded to choke him him to death. Slowly.
"Hoc-ho-hock-ch-hokakakak- " (*Thump*)
As the dead body of the now former dark lord hit the ground, the rest of the Death Eaters looked at one another with confusion.
"Now what?"
"Dunno. Go home I guess?"
"Yeah that sounds about right."
"Man, this sucks. Um, no pun intended?"
"No worries. I know what you meant. If I'd have kno-"
BWAHAHAHAHA! VICTORY MUTHAFUCKAS!" (*THOOM!*)
Any thought that passed through the minds of those present was rudely interrupted by a vomit-inducing, bowel loosening, revulsion emitting stench that came from one of the corners. The scent was unfathomably disgusting to such a degree that it could not be measured. The only thought to go through the minds of the people in the throne room was the same in every head, easily evident when they voiced their thoughts as one.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SMELL?"
A faint pop was heard in the library by a bushy haired witch, the location of the offending noise coming from the kitchen. Wand out, she quietly made her way to the kitchen door, and, with a trembling wand hand, she quickly opened it, only to find the smiling face of her green eyed friend and confidante. She relaxed completely, letting the air out of her lungs in a sharp breath.
"You scared me witless, Harry!", she whispered to him as she embraced him in a tight hug, one that he eagerly returned.
"You can stop whispering, Hermione. He's gone. For good this time."
"Really?"
He nodded.
"Wha-how? How did you do it?"
He gently pulled himself from her embrace. Taking her hands in his, he brought them to his mouth and gave them each a feather light kiss. Blushing softly, she smiled at him and tilted her head cutely in a questioning maneuver, wordlessly asking him to continue.
"Let me brew a pot of tea, cause, Mione, have I got a story for you..."
The End
Honestly, I think I tried to hard with this one. Hopefully it got a few laughs out of a few of you.