Leave the Lights On
By diav

Genre: Romance/Angst
Rating: M
Characters: Shego, Kim Possible
Story Type: one-shot
Summary: Shego reflects on things she might no longer have control over. Inspired by Meiko's Leave the Lights On. Rating is mostly for language and mature content.
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters from the Kim Possible series, nor do I own the lyrics to Meiko's Leave the Lights On.

I'm not sure how this all began.

I just had an argument with Princess about... Well, about 'us'. I'm not sure what's going on anymore, and I'm not sure why I'm letting it continue.

Was it all just a mistake?

She came to me three months ago. Well, more like dropped in unexpectedly. I admit, even in college, Princess is still able to juggle this hero life. Anyway, she dropped in unexpectedly - I just came out of the shower and, being the prude she was, she told me to get dressed first before she wanted to have a 'talk' with me.

Of course, that talk somehow ended up becoming tonsil hockey. To be honest, I'm not sure what she even said before she kind of just lunged at me.

Normally, I probably would've fried her pretty little ass, but I think we both knew by that point that our little scuffles had warped into some weird foreplay.

Now, hold up, before you start thinking kinky things, I guess I should back up a bit. About eight months ago, Princess was engaged to the buffoon. Why she accepted, I'm not sure. I sure as hell could tell she didn't love him... You could see the look of disdain in her eyes every time I mentioned his name to her. Did she say yes because of convenience?

All the while, the idiot actually managed to whoop Doctor D's ass a few times when I wasn't around - 'paid' vacation and all, a girl's gotta catch her rays on an uninhabited island. Despite her feelings on the matter, Kimmie would always brush off the subject by punching me in the gut (I let her, obviously). There was one time she was trying to punch me in the face but missed and we tumbled along.

We ended up being in quite the compromising position. Yet, amusingly enough, Kimmie wasn't so prudish then. Hell, even I could tell there was something burning buried in those emerald eyes. Sadly, she did nothing at the time: merely got up, brushed herself off and away she went back up into that air vent, leaving me to wonder what exactly was her problem.

It wasn't until I followed her home that I found out that she sure as hell continued to distance herself from the buffoon. Despite living together, they more or less lived separate lives - only when they went on missions were they 'together.' I say that lightly because the buffoon would occasionally travel to Japan to that mystical school to train, leaving Kimmie dearest on her own. Maybe it's because she was lonely that she sought me out. I don't know.

Fast-forward a few months and suddenly she starts playing tonsil hockey with me. Of all people.

I admit, maybe part of it was my doing. Taunting her really got me nowhere when she was in high school, or perhaps I planted the seed that has now gotten me into this mess.

Kim and I are very physical people. I mean that with a capital P. Very physical. Who knew cheerleading could make one so limber in bed? Oh the crazy times we had. Very crazy positions and lots of deliberate sexually-frustrating foreplay. Just thinking of it makes me want to jump into the bathroom and take a cold shower.

Anyway, what's wrong? Lots of things. Little Pumpkin wants to go public. The whole coming-out shebang deal that not only will tell the world she's been dating her arch nemesis (really, Drew is just a sad little momma's boy, I'm the real deal here) and to break things off with the buffoon.

Yes. Kim Possible has been sneaking around his back with me. Hell, I'm even willing to let her break things off with him just to see his reaction: he'll probably end up pigging up and clogging his arteries with that oh so nutritious nacho with his pet rat, yech.

Of course I said no to her. It's preposterous! She said she couldn't give a fuck about her reputation (her words, villain's honour) and just wants to be with me... But do you not see the problem with this?

It will ruin both of us. For worse.

I'm certain Global Justice would find some way to toss my ass in jail. Despite being pardoned after the Lowardian invasion, Doctor D and I have still been doing villainous things: finding legal loopholes and exploiting them... Plus, I've been stealing the odd jewel or two - a girl needs her exercise to stay in tip top shape.

Despite these points, Kimmie tells me last night that she honestly just doesn't care about the consequences. All she needs is me, apparently.

She doesn't want to keep all of this a secret. Something to do with not running away and keeping the lights on.

Hell, what good would I be to her if I'm in jail? (To be honest, I could probably break out of there in an hour.) But still.

I admit, I would like some sort of consistency and stability in our 'relationship' (if you will). Every time she came over in the past, she left by the crack ass of dawn because she wanted everything to be inconspicuous... Now she's flipped the cards and is telling me the opposite.

I'm not sure what I want. It'd be nice to not go on dates in disguise, but really, I'm a villain. I couldn't go straight (ha, a pun) if I wanted to. I tried once, it didn't work and I went back to my old ways. How does she expect me to give up my evil lifestyle to just be with her? It won't work.

In the heat of the moment (uh, this was after we played tonsil hockey, did it like rabid rabbits for several hours and had your stereotypical post-sex discussion with laboured breathing), I had told her to choose: continue to keep things under wraps because I sure as hell won't turn my life upside down, or to just marry the damn buffoon and forget this all ever happened between us.

I admit now it must've been a very wrong thing to do (hey, give me a break, I'm a villain for fuck's sake)...

She slapped me in the face and told me I was an idiot for making her choose.

What did she say...? Oh yeah, this:

"I'm trying hard to make you see all that you are is all that I need. I don't want to run away anymore... But I want the lights on."

She upped and left after she said that.

And here I am staring at this page with a pen in my hand.

Dear Diary, today Kimmie and I fought. Again.

Ugh, I'm no damsel in distress, why am I writing in this fucking book?

One should never have to choose when it comes to... love.

It's love, right? I don't know if I can go a day without having her in my arms... Love is supposed to come naturally, right?

So why am I fucking scared right now? Giving up my hyperinflated ego isn't a life or death decision, right?

I don't want to run away anymore.

Author's Notes: Wrote this on a whim.

One-shot only. No updates in the future.

Story title and italicised lyrics are from "Leave the Lights On" by Meiko (Nishimoto).