Title: First Loves Are Special
Author: JeeSun
Summary: They say that first loves are special. They say that first loves are forever and that they will forever burn in your heart. She's just not sure it counts if he's never loved you back.
Spoilers: Pretty much everything.
Rating: G
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Note: Thanks to Angie for beta-ing, encouraging and everything else. This is only 'cause I owed you one g.
They say that first loves are special. They say that first loves are forever and that they will forever burn in your heart. She's just not sure it counts if he's never loved you back.
The first time you met him you were only seventeen years old. At that time, he was much older than you but you still had the guts to ask him out. He said no. No one had ever turned you down before. Later, you would be grateful to him. Had it not] been for him, you'd still believe you could have everything. Now you know better. Now you know much better. You can't have anything.
He left, but you stayed in touch. This man, who had turned you down, you respected more than anyone. You loved him more than anyone and you were happy as long as he was in your life. That's why you settled for being his best friend. Your other friends thought you were cool for having a much older friend. For you, it had nothing to do with being cool, but it had everything to do with love.
He had to leave and you had to stay. Weeks later, you got a letter. This letter was special. It was written by a man who was deeply in love, but not with you. It was the first time since you met him that he had acted this way. You couldn't be happy for him, but you did your best and he knew it, and for that he'd always be grateful. It didn't last.
When you were twenty five you tried again. The age difference was still the same on paper, but since you first met him you had grown up and become a woman. He said no again. He didn't give you an explanation – just started talking about something else.
He called you in the middle of the night, June 7th. He was miles away and dawn had just broken where he was. You had never heard him happier. He told you he was getting married. You didn't accept the invitation. Instead, you ran. You ran back to California, where you met him the first time. You needed to remember the time when he was only yours – the times when you didn't have to share him.
It would take years before you heard from him again. It wasn't his fault. It was you who didn't return his phone calls or letters. It was you who pretended to not be at home when his number showed up on your caller-ID.
You had just been fired. He was there, waiting for you by the pool. The same pool you would fall into only seconds later. You felt old, big and ridiculous. You didn't want him to see how much you had aged since the last time he saw you. He offered you a job. You told him yes, you would go with him.
Sometime during the campaign you realized things weren't right between him and his wife. You never questioned it, though. There were still miles between the two of you. You won the election and afterwards, you watched him leave the party. He was celebrating with his wife, his lover and his soul mate. You were celebrating alone.
He came to you, six months after you took office. He told you they were splitting up, and that you were the first one he had told. You'd still never figured out why he said that. You helped him through the divorce. You were there for him 24 hours a day, never expecting anything in return. You were torn; happy that he wasn't married anymore but never wishing for him to be unhappy.
You thought about it everyday for four years but you never did it. You never had the guts to ask him again and you didn't believe the old saying – third time's a charm. Sometimes, you thought that maybe after all these years he had realized he had romantic feelings for you, as you had had for him the last twenty five years. Then he told you about the babies and you knew there would never be any such thing as 'the two of you' or a thing called 'us'. Again, you settled for being his best friend.
A month after the twins' birth you got an invitation to their wedding. This time you accepted.
They say that first loves are special. They say that first loves are forever and that they will forever burn in your heart. She knows it counts, even if he's never loved her back.
End.
2003-06-04