000 Disclaimer, I own nothing at all (sadly) 000 This is my...third attempt at Atlantis fanfic, hope you enjoy :) 000

The letter sat heavily in his hand, stains marring the crumpled paper. John felt almost guilty as he stared at it, prying into someone else's message, someone else's thoughts. But he found himself unfolding the paper, finally staring down at the large neat handwriting, handwriting that rapidly degraded in quality as the letter progressed.

Dear Saoirse,

How are you? I hope you're ok. Sorry if this letter ends up a bit crumpled, I've had this bit of paper in my pocket a while, and it won't get sent back till the ship returns. But not to worry sweetheart, I've got your birthday present all sorted, it's safe with mum. I think you'll like it.

Well, I'm fine, just bored, there isn't much to do when you aren't on duty, but I'm making friends. It took some getting used to being here, there's so many different cultures all mingling together it's hard to keep track - even with all the flags on the uniforms! It feels quite easy to disappear amongst all these people, but I think I'm holding my own. It's kind of hard to become part of a group when you're a newbie - as I hear you found out when you started at the new school. Don't worry, sweetheart, I'm sure once they see how great you are things will get better. You've just got to keep trying, and I'll be doing the same.

I don't know if I'll send you this letter, sweetheart, it's been in my pocket for a few days - hence the rips and tatty edges, but I guess it depends on whether or not I can locate my pad of paper again. I've put it down somewhere, possibly in the Mess Hall - have I told you about the Mess Hall? It serves quite good food for the military, slightly better than boil in the bag - remember those from our camping trip? MRE's are ok, the ship makes regular trips so I've been informed that the food is better than it was before the ship started making regular runs. They've also got some great dishes from the Locals - mind you, your mum always said I'd eat anything, so maybe I'm not a good judge in terms of food. Some things though you can get from the others here.

The locals here are very friendly, although I only see them when they pass through for travelling purposes. They live a little way away from base but are very pleasant when they do pass through. I don't think you would have managed to live like they do, Saoirse - you love your playstation too much!

The locals aren't the only people around; we send teams out to meet other cultures. I haven't been out with any of the teams yet but I'm being assigned to one soon, which should be very exciting!

Looks like I have to sign off for a bit, sweetheart, I'll add a bit more to this letter later (when you get this it'll probably been pages long!) after all I've still got some time before the ship comes back.

It's been at least a day since I last added to this, sorry about that, I've just not had the opportunity to sit down and do another writing session, it can get a little lonely sat in my room for long periods of time. On the positive side of things I was finally assigned to a team, be nice to get off base for a while don't exactly know when we get to go yet but I'm guessing soonish.

Oops, going to have to sign off again, going to go watch a film with some of the lads.

I guess the one thing I'll never get used to here is how quiet it is on nights. With everything that happens here it can be almost unnerving in a way, especially seeing as you're always waiting for something to happen - it can be hard to switch off sometimes. Not every night, it's a just the odd one that catches you out.

I have to admit it's harder than usual to be away from you, and I know it's hard on you too with me not being around. But by being here I feel I'm truly making a difference even if no one else will ever know it. I don't know if you will understand right now, maybe one day you will if I ever show you this letter (I know I won't send it now), if what happens here ever comes out. Maybe even then you won't understand. But I am sorry, Saoirse, truly sorry for missing out on your life, it may not seem like it but I am.

Time to sign off on this letter properly now I think.

Miss you.

Love always,

Daddy.

John carefully folded the bloody letter trying hard not to tear it further. In the other hand he held an obviously much looked at photograph of a muddy, but evidently very happy, young girl beaming out at the photographer. On the back someone had scrawled 'Saoirse' and a date.

He dropped the letter and the photograph down onto his desk, staring at both guiltily. In his minds eye he could still see the soldier choking on the gateroom floor, could still see the blood flowing over the hands of the soldier's team mates as they applied pressure on the wound yelling for the medical team. Could still remember running over, knowing the soldier would die. Could still see the soldier's shaking hands and wide-eyed expression as he attempted to reach inside one of his pockets.

John could still painfully remember the hollow silence as the soldier died, his hand clasped around a letter and a photograph.

000 Please review and tell me your thoughts :) 000