It's gonna be a long, long journey
It's gonna be an uphill climb
It's gonna be a tough fight
It's gonna be some lonely nights
But I'm ready to carry on
~The Living Proof, Mary J. Blige
Amelia stepped off the elevator at Seaside Health & Wellness, strolling in at the end of the day because she knew no one else was around and she figured, this was the best time to catch him. She thought about dropping in earlier, during morning coffee, but she wasn't up for it or maybe she just wasn't ready.
As she walked past the empty reception desk and down the familiar corridor, she noticed Addison's office was dark, as well as Sam's. Add to the list, Pete and Violet's offices, also dark and empty, which led her to think he might be gone for the day too. When she reached Sheldon's office, she was met with drawn blinds and a locked door. He was definitely gone for the day.
She turned around, heaving a deep sigh as she started to make her way back down the corridor, this time stopping in front of her own office. She stood there, frozen and unable to move, staring at her name on the window, Dr. Amelia Shepherd. She smiled a little, grateful for the reminder of who she is and who she always will be.
70 days.
Amelia chewed on her lower lip, thinking about the last time she was here, high and strung out. And today, here she was, back at the practice for the first time in 70 days and it felt like she had cement boots on, standing in front of her office unable to go inside.
She dug her hand into her jacket pocket and pulled out the familiar object, the only thing that served as a reminder of the two people she loved.
"Hey, didn't think I'd see you here until after the holidays," spoke a voice from behind and she quickly shoved it back into her pocket.
Amelia turned around, half-smiling as she shrugged her shoulders. "Yeah. I was um… I was looking for Sheldon. I know he works late on Thursdays and I wanted to… I just wanted to talk."
"Oh," Charlotte replied, not at all surprised that was the reason why Amelia was stopping by. She was well aware of Sheldon's visits to Amelia while she was in rehab and assumed the two had formed some sort of friendship. "Well, Sheldon had to leave early today. Somethin' about an unstable patient and you know how he is, swoopin' in to the rescue."
"Yeah," Amelia didn't want to look Charlotte in the eye. Not yet, not after all the hurtful things she said and how she treated her. "I should go."
"You don't have to."
"I'm sure you'd rather be with Cooper right now, than here with me."
Charlotte shook her head. "Cooper's with Mason and the staff meetin' at the hospital got rescheduled," she pushed the younger doctor's chin up with her hand. "Come on, let's sit and talk," she said, opening Amelia's office door.
Amelia watched Charlotte enter and turn on the lights. She tried to take a step, but couldn't move and her hesitancy was apparent as she met the blonde's gaze. "It's funny, this should be easy, going in there, but for some reason I can't."
"Yeah, you can. Come on," Charlotte held out her hand. Amelia looked at it for a second then took her hand, taking a small step forward. "See, told you. Now sit."
Amelia obeyed the older doctor, sat down slowly and took a look around. Nothing had changed. Everything was still where she left it 70 days ago. She glanced at her desk and saw the messy pile of folders. "You guys swept this room clean?"
"We did. Right before the intervention," Charlotte nodded. Her gaze drifted for a moment toward the potted plant on the back file cabinet. She remembered finding a small bag of Oxycodone there and immediately asking Cooper to take it away from her. "We found your stash and I had Cooper flush it. A few days later Addison came in here, checked every lil' nook and cranny. So yes, room's clean."
Amelia sat there, chewing on her lower lip as her hand reached into her pocket again. She took the watch out and stared at it, before finally looking up at Charlotte. "I guess I should say thank you."
Charlotte sat down in the adjacent chair, leaned forward and pressed her hands together. "I'm glad you got help."
"One day at a time, right?"
"Yes."
An uncomfortable silence crept into their conversation, and Amelia found herself staring at the watch. Her fingers played with the leather strap as she sat there, knowing Charlotte was looking right at her.
"That was your father's watch?" Charlotte broke the silence. She already knew the answer, but figured it was worth asking anyway in hopes Amelia would open up a little.
"Yeah, it was," Amelia replied, not meeting Charlotte's gaze. It was safer for her to keep staring at the watch. "My mother, she saved up for three years to buy it and gave it to him. It was a symbol of their life together and how much she loved him."
She paused and took a deep breath, finally looking up and past Charlotte as she recalled the painful memory. Despite being unsure of why she was telling her this, she continued, "My brother and I, we were in the back of the store and my dad had just given me two pennies. I liked to hide them in this big crack in the floorboards. I was saving them to buy a town," she laughed a little. "That's what I told Derek."
"Addison mentioned something about two guys coming into the store," Charlotte said cautiously. "Amelia, you don't have to tell me."
"No, I want to," she shook her head, steeling herself to continue. "Two guys came in, but we didn't hear them talking and we didn't pay attention until Dad yelled. By that time, they'd already pulled a gun. They had taken the money and then they wanted his watch. Two guys shot my dad for his watch. This watch," she swallowed the lump in her throat. "I gave this watch to Ryan because he loved me. I gave it to him just like my mom gave it to my dad. Out of love and now he's dead."
Charlotte sighed deeply, trying not to let the somberness of the moment get to her. While the intervention had been weeks ago, it still left her raw. And seeing Amelia like this, it brought that feeling back, the rawness. "You know Ryan's death wasn't your fault."
"I know. I tell myself everyday, but it still doesn't stop me from missing him."
"That's gotta be tough."
"Yeah," Amelia leaned forward, setting the watch down on the table. She pressed her hands together. "Charlotte, how did you do it? How did you find a way to cope? To forgive yourself?"
Now it was Charlotte's turn to look away. Her gaze fell to the floor as she was brought back to what she'd said to Amelia during the intervention. It was an honest moment for her, having shared something personal in front of everyone. She wasn't known to be an open person, but for Amelia she was and right now, it's what she will be. After all, Amelia opened up to her, so it's only fair for her to return the favor.
"I don't think I ever did," Charlotte began, her voice low. "Killing that woman, it's something that's stuck with me forever, because it was my fault. I was addicted. The pills became my lifeline and that night, I needed them to survive. Take the pills and survive life. That's what I told myself and then I got behind the wheel."
Charlotte paused, swallowed the lump in her throat. "It was rainin' and I didn't see her. I didn't see her because comin' down from the high made me drowsy. I saw headlights, I swerved and she did too, only it was to her death," her voice trailed a little. "The sight of that woman sittin' on the hood of her car after goin' through that windshield, it she shook me. I begged her not to die, but it was too late. I killed her. Regardless of the fact that she wasn't wearin' a seatbelt, had I not been high and thinkin' I'd be okay to drive, she would still be alive."
Amelia sighed deeply. Charlotte's speech during the intervention had affected her then and hearing the story behind it was affecting her now. And yet, as she sat there looking at her, it was Charlotte's strength that stood out. "How do you live with something like that?" she asked. "How do you go on?"
"You just do," Charlotte shrugged, not knowing what other kind of answer she could give. "You find a way to live with that guilt on your soul and you try to be a better person. Live a clean life. You spend the rest of your life tryin' to make it right even though you know you can't, but you try."
"But your life's never the same. That guilt has to eat away at you."
"It does, but you also can't let it control your life, just like what you're doin' now. You make peace with yourself and then you move on, but you don't forget."
Amelia swiped away the moisture that had built up in her eyes. Charlotte was right, she had yet to fully let go of guilt. From Ryan's death to how she treated Charlotte, it still had some control over her and she needed to let it go. She just didn't know how.
"I'm sorry, Charlotte," she pushed back a lock of dark hair behind her ear. "I was such a bitch to you when you were only trying to help."
"I care about you, that's all," Charlotte replied, reaching out and placing her hand on Amelia's knee. "I didn't want what happened to me to happen to you. It killed me seein' you drag yourself down. And do you wanna know what really got to me?" she asked, Amelia nodding. "It was seein' how strung out you were the day of the intervention. That hit way too close to home."
"Hit close to home for me too," spoke a voice from the doorway. Both women turned their heads and saw Jake Reilly standing there. "Sorry, I thought I was the only one working late, but I saw the light on. I'll just go. I can tell this is a private conversation."
"Actually, Dr. Reilly, stay. Join us," Charlotte motioned toward the chair across from her.
"Are you sure? I don't want to intrude," Jake asked.
"Sit," the blonde pointed to the chair. Jake entered the room and sat across from her. "What's your story, Jake?"
"My story?" Jake's brow furrowed.
Charlotte cast him a knowing look. "You mentioned you had considered addiction before settlin' on fertility as your specialty. Just curious as to the reason why."
Brow still furrowed, Jake recalled mentioning that in the kitchen. He was actually surprised Charlotte remembered. So much had happened and he thought no one would really read into what he said. "My wife. Her name was Lily," he sat back in the chair, looking at both women. "She was 30 when she overdosed."
"I'm sorry, Jake. I had no idea," Charlotte murmured.
"No one does," Jake replied, turning toward Amelia. "She had gotten clean once because of her daughter, but something happened and she slipped. From then on, it was a struggle getting clean and she'd try, but it got harder every time. It became harder on everyone that cared, like her daughter and myself as we watched Lily drag herself down. Then one day, I got home after picking up her girl from school and she was gone. The police found her a week later, dead in some motel room with her stash of Oxycodone. That was 8 years ago."
Amelia tried hiding the gasp that escaped from her mouth, but knew she was unsuccessful when Jake's eyes met hers. She let go a breath she didn't realize she'd been holding and muttered softly. "I'm sorry."
"You don't have to apologize, I just didn't want you going down the same road Lily did," Jake said, caring look in his eyes. "I may not know you well, but I know you've got yourself a good group of people who care and you can count me as one of them."
"I know, and thanks," Amelia nodded at both of them.
"Junkie BFF's gotta watch out for each other," Charlotte smiled.
Jake raised an eyebrow, confused. "Junkie BFF's?"
"What, you want in on the club?" Charlotte chuckled. "I don't see why not. We'll give you the friends and family pass."
Jake laughed. "Nah, not right now, but I'll take a rain check. Maybe some other time."
"Well, we're here, always will be," Charlotte watched Jake stand. "Headin' out?"
"Yeah. I have a stop to make on my way home," he said, walking towards the door. He stopped at the doorway and turned around. "Get home safe ladies."
"We will," Charlotte assured, as Jake left the room. She checked her watch and turned to Amelia. "Let's get out of here. You need a ride?"
"No, I've got my car," Amelia stood up. She walked around the table and followed Charlotte into the corridor, pulling the office door shut behind her. "Hey Charlotte?" she called out as the blonde was heading back to her office to get her things.
"Yeah?"
"Do you have time to go to a meeting? I mean, do you want to come to a meeting with me?"
Smiling, Charlotte gave her a nod. "Sure, let me get my stuff and we'll go."
"Alright, I'll wait for you by the elevator," Amelia pointed over her shoulder. She turned and walked down the corridor, stopping at the reception desk. As she waited for Charlotte, she looked to her left at the empty waiting area where her friends were sitting 70 days ago.
She may not have felt it back then, but she definitely felt it now, the depth of their care and concern. And while it's still one day at a time for her, just being able to make amends with each of them was a step in the right direction.
"Ready to go?" Charlotte appeared at her side, pressing the button for the elevator.
"Yeah, I am," Amelia smiled. As they stepped into the elevator and the doors closed, she turned to her. "Thank you. Not just for going with me to a meeting, but for everything. Hopefully one day you and I can get back to being good friends."
"We'll get there," Charlotte returned the smile with a genuine of her own. "One day at a time."