Super Kyo here with a new little doozy for you guys.
Not my usual Fruits Basket fanfic which I think I should maybe continue, haha. Enjoy!
**This was written an a way that addresses someone without speaking to them directly, the people in this letter are the same person but looked at from different aspects**
Reminiscing, Apologizing: by story.
I'm sorry. I just hate that no matter what I can't hate you, and it drives me crazy beyond belief. I hope you can find what you're looking for in life, and don't worry like you'll probably say "no more Lexi drama" because Lexis not going to bother you anymore. My Chris, not this Chris, died a long time ago. My Chris was sweet to me and at least seemed like he cared. He'd tell me stories about his family, and things he did, his car, fishing, and what not. And he used to tell me that he loved me more than I would ever know, can you believe that? lol. He would even say I was ''His other half, like a puzzle, we fit perfectly,'' even though I knew he said that to lord knows how many other young ladies, haha. He was always there when I needed him, surprisingly, like, he could be gone forever and as soon as I super mega needed him it was like magic. He'd appear and would hold me and tell me it was all going to be alright, and I loved that. Because as cliché as it was, after he'd do that everything was alright again. And he used to touch and hold me dearly and sometimes real late at night he'd say how happy he was and how he was really looking forward to marrying me, which always took me by surprise. I guess it was because I was still afraid of that word. He would tell me about having vampire babies, lol, and being old. And I'd tell him that when it came my time to be old I wanted a bajillion grandbabies, and I told him that he would be blind and that crazy fart-knocker said it was the perfect excuse for grabbing at other woman so I remember I told him I would push chairs in front of him so he could fall, lol.
I don't think he really minded my teasing, I didn't mind his. I remember when this one Canadian guy came over to my house last year and raped me [[minus the sex]] and Chris staid there with me while he was around because he didn't want something to happen to me, and it made me so happy .. but I never told him that. I never told him when he would make me feel special, I don't really know why anymore, but it doesn't matter I guess. I remember staying up till nearly Four A.M sometimes with him and we would just be there cuddling our brains out, lol, talking quietly to each other. I really loved that. And we never really fought, I mean, we argued a tad bit every now and then but it was usually silly disagreements. And he always made me feel safe. That was one of the things I really loved about him, I was safe. I had never really had that before, honestly. And he never got mad at me for asking him stuff, because well, I do have the tendency for going off with a billion and one questions, but he never got mad at me for it. A lot of people would tell me that I had a lot of patience for sticking with him so long as I had, and a lot of people told me I was stupid for all the heart ache he caused me.
But I never saw it as him breaking my heart. I saw it as me because I knew the consequences, and possible outcomes. Like I had told you some days back, I do learn from my mistakes, I just don't heed them. That's how I was with Chris, but I never found it a mistake, I really did love him so much. Honestly, I had actually wanted him to be 'the one' haha, never told him though, figured I'd weird him out or something, that and I was really shy, lol. Love is a battlefield, with him it was true, but I stood my ground. I tried my absolute best to always be there when he needed me, and I loved caring for him, loved it loved it loved it. It was just so exhilarating .. no, peaceful. He offered me this sort of peace that was priceless to me. Something I had never truly had in my life before. When I could care for him, I'd only focus on him and it felt like all my worldly issues, worries, and stress would melt away. Only having to work with one person, to focus on one person whom wasn't myself, it felt so beautiful and free. It was my secret bliss.
No I'm not going to lie, lol, I really did love making love with him. It always felt right, and amazing. There was never any pressure and I always felt closer to him and carried a sunny disposition the next day all day. Wish we could have done that more often before he passed on .. Though there were some times I wish I could have taken back because he had been very secretive with me and wouldn't tell me when he already had a 'other'. We would be talking, then talking turned into soothing, which turned into a moment, and that moment just grew to flames and I would feel so grotesque about myself for committing such a deed with a taken man, and he would feel so sorry for hurting me and guiding me into that situation again. He may have been nowhere near my first boyfriend, but he was my first love, and I will always treasure that. Though I still wish everything we had talked about before he died could have come true, I do wish he was still here to this day. I miss him so much its crazy and it hurts. But everyone passes on in this lifetime. Can you believe that during that time where he would be moving around from place to place I used to get on my knees and actually spend 30 minutes or more just praying for his and his family and loved ones safety? Hypocritical much! But if that was how other people insured safety, then I wanted to do that for him. I miss him so much, and love him even more, but he's gone now and I hope that where he is he's happy. Haha, I'm sorry for the length, *Mr. Steinbeck, it is difficult not to reminisce on a loved one passed.
I really do hope he's safe, and happy. And I hope you yourself are safe and happy. Geez, I must sound soooo crazy, haha. But I don't care. Because he told me that it was good to speak up. I think that's just because it frustrated him that I wouldn't. He'd say "I can't read your mind; you need to tell me these things". And he was absolutely right. I just wish I could've done more of that while he was still around. I was such a terrible girlfriend to him, never enough no matter how often he'd say I was "more than enough". And I do wish I could have trusted him beyond the skies limit, but you can't help but keep one foot away when the whole time you've known them there was always someone else. I guess that's why I tried not to feel special with him, because I always had that small little voice in my head that would say "don't count on being the only one", I don't think he would've really liked that if he knew ... but maybe you could tell him? Please? Tell him I'm sorry for all the trouble I had ever caused him, and how happy he had made me and how I wished I could have made him as happy as I was. Tell him that no other could have loved him as much as I did [[though that sounds super creepy]] it's true, and I'm sure he knows it, because threw out everything that went on between us. All of those other woman left as soon as a red flag came up, while I staid and tried to work threw the red flag. So just tell him that I love him, and that he doesn't know how much I miss him.
Don't tell him that due to the added stress I've picked up chain smoking [[26 packs a week ..]]. Don't tell him that I've lost even more weight [[22 inches now ..]] Don't tell him that I hate him, because I absolutely don't, not one bit, never ever ever. Don't tell him that I'm sad, because then he'll be sad. Don't tell him that I wish he was still here to hold me and tell me it'll all be alright, and tell me how much he loves me and kiss and hug me. Don't tell him that I had actually wanted him to be 'my first' because that's still sounds weird, lol. Don't tell him about the bad things, or how I got molested at a party and offered 1k too do a guy in the hotel bathroom. Don't tell him I've taken a liking to Jack Daniels and don't tell him that I now listen to Taylor Swift, lol, she's got these two songs, You're not Sorry, and Breathe. First one reminds me of you, **Mr. Steinbeck. Second one reminds me of him. Don't tell him that I have found a job as an art class nude model: it's harmless, but I don't know how he would react to it. Even though I'm making 15 dollars an hour just standing around naked, lol. Don't tell him that I pinched and scratched and scared myself. Don't tell him that I don't even have the strength to put make up on anymore. Don't tell him that I tried LSD and liked it. Don't tell him that I cried on the phone for 6 hours straight. Don't tell him that he's still the only one on my mind. Just tell him that I love him and that I'm sorry for messing everything up and that I miss him badly.
Anyway, I'm sorry for the length, you're the only one I know that could give this message to him, so please tell him. Maybe I'll meet him again sometime. I would really really really love that. Just wish I could've been better too him before he passed on, before he got sick, before the only thing he said was 'ok', 'yeah', or 'lol'. You're a really lucky person, you know that? You got to be with him during his last moments. I didn't get too, I didn't even get a heads up. I envy you for that, and I don't envy most people, lol. My apologize again for the length.
-Lexi.
**name has been changed.
Something I wrote to the man I love who has broken my heart a plethora to many times before. I really liked how it was written out and was wondering if other people could relate. What do you think? Pardon the Grammar errors!! It was written on a whim in 10 minutes but its completely heartfelt and very personal.