Disclaimer // I do not own anything Supernatural related. Please don't sue!
Author Notes // My first posted Supernatural fic! It is just a short little drabble that takes place right after the season two finale, so spoilers for that. Don't read if you do not know what happens. Also, this has not been betad so I apologies for any mistakes that might have slipped in.
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Free fall
Sam does not always remember why he is fighting. Some days he wakes up in some random motel room and he can not remember why. Those days Dean calls him grumpy – testy - and Sam wishes that he could leave. On some days he even walks out the door.
But Sam always remembers in the end. He remembers that he is not fighting for himself but for mom, Jess, dad and everyone else. They were killed and can no longer fight for themselves so he has to fight for them.
Sometimes he thinks it is too much to ask of him to continue fighting and other times he does not think it is enough. Sometimes he thinks that he should have saved them. Sometimes he thinks it is his entire fault. And on some days, some of those really horrible days that never seem to end, he wishes that he was never born.
Dean calls him emo. Dean says he wears his heart on his sleeve and that it will get him killed one day. Maybe it will.
But Sam does not want to stop those thoughts, does not want to be able to hide his feelings like Dean does because he is afraid of what will happen if he stops feeling. Will he end up like the other special children? Will he end up like Ava? Sam does not want that and he knows Dean does not want that either but he does not understand. Dean thinks that Sam is all good, that Sam could never hurt a fly, but Sam knows differently. Sam knows that he has killed hundreds of flies without a second thought. Sam is afraid he could do the same to humans.
Dean says that nothing bad will happen as long as he is around and Sam would laugh if it did not make him want to cry. Dean is dying. Dean has one more year to live. Dean is leaving him all alone.
What will happen then?
Every day Sam wishes that Dean had not made that deal – that he could have just walked away and left Sam to rot. Dean says that he did not have a choice, that he did not know what to do without Sam, but now he is leaving Sam with the same question. He does not think it is fair.
Sometimes Sam feels alone – lonely – in a world gone mad but he always know that Dean will be there when he needs him. His big brother, best friend, protector and shield – Dean has always been there to catch him when he stumbles.
One more year and Sam might crash.
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