~To Care~
Chapter 1: 'Ah know'
A/N: Hey! Oh my gosh I am so excited and scared and feeling all these feels because…bum baduh bummm…this is my first fan fiction! And of course it's TWD (The Walking Dead), I just love Caryl and really anything that has to do with Norman Reedus ;) aka my boo boo! I really hope everyone enjoys this because it might be a one shot…it might be more, but don't forget to tell me what you guys think pleeeasse because if you want more…then I shall abide! But for now let me shut up so you can do your thang! (R&R)
"Merle is -dead."
He only managed to get out those few words before he felt a whole new rush of tears threaten to spill from his blue eyes. He furiously blinked back the threatening streams as he realized he had to move- away from the fence. The walkers were starting to crowd around the other side of the fence where he previously stood. Daryl looked back at the rotten and now snarling corpses. The image of his brother's glazed-over eyes and pale, grey face with bits of flesh still lingering on and around his dead features as he kneeled over that boy's gory body, innards spilling out, flashed into his crowded mind. He remembered seeing that boy before, musta' been with the group Rick kicked out when he lost it, well serves 'im right fer believin' everything that bastard says! Then he remembered, Merle, my brother, he's gone, again! He left me again! Just like he left me with our bastard father to go to the military! But, he tried to help me, and the whole group, I know he did, I just—why! Why does he have ta be, "dead."
Daryl let hat last word slip out as his thoughts constantly changed from anger to hurt to gratefulness. Merle, brother, why!? Why did you leave me? Was it ta make up for all the times ya left me as a kid, with him, for all the times I got beat 'cuz ya weren't around, was it ta pay me back, 'cuz I didn't need no payin' back! All I needed was my fuckin' brother back, that's all I wanted! Dammit Merle, "Why!" I even told ya, I told ya that's all I fuckin' wanted but ya still had ta pay me back, and ya still had to go an' die!
Daryl's voice was gruff and strangled in her ears. Daryl has been through too much in his life and now this, his own brother, gone, dead. Carol only knew of Daryl's scars and the few explanations he trusted enough to give her, but even then, Daryl never talked much about Merle other than a couple childhood stories to fill a silence, but other than that Daryl never much, even to her, and Carol's the person he talked most to. Carol was definitely one to wear her emotions on her sleeve, and right now the look of sadness and shock on her face could be seen a mile away. She just couldn't stand to see him so heart broken, her having been in the same position just a few months prior due to her own daughter's death. He got me out of my grief, now I have to help him with his, or die trying. He cared for me, and now it's my turn to show him, show him someone cares, that I care.
Feeling overwhelmed, Daryl stalked back and forth, unable to let his mouth speak the words he ever-so-desperately needed to say. All he could do was keep his eyes down, or anywhere for that matter other than her sympathetic gaze. But eventually he couldn't help himself; he stole a quick glance at her, swallowed hard. And shook his head as he continued to pace from Carol to the grey chain-link fence.
Carol's thought were interrupted by the abrupt jerks on the silver fence by some hungry walkers. They were sticking their fingers through the open chain-links, desperately reaching out to grad Carol and Daryl as she looked beyond him and into the eyes of the former husbands, wives, fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers, and people. And Daryl found Merle like this, she thought to herself, he must have, I know he did, the governor wouldn't just leave Merle to die slowly, or even kill him completely and let his body just sit waiting for his brother to find him, no he wasn't that generous, he had to leave Merle's body to reanimate and let his brother find him, sick bastard. Carol couldn't bear the thought of Daryl having to kill his own brother, but sadly, she knew that's what must've happened.
The silence was deafening even with the ever-present growls, snarls, and moans of the dead around them. Carol thought she heard Daryl say something: 'dead'. As moments passed seemingly like days, she heard him whisper again: 'why'. She had to admit, she was pondering the question herself. Why would God take away this man, this good man's brother, the only blood family he had left, her and the group were his family, yes, but Merle, Merle was his flesh and blood, and no one could change that. Why does God do these things? Hurt good people and let the world turn into this. Take Sophia, Merle, Lori, T-dog, Dale, and for what? Because there's some bigger plan we don't realize yet, it's stupid, all of it, the fighting, Killing, even the preying apparently, haven't we been through enough already, hasn't Daryl been through enough! Carol's faith in a higher power was lessening by the days. Carol was overwhelmed with emotions, similar to Daryl, but she couldn't just stand here staring at him and feeling sorry for him, she had to say something.
"Daryl I - - I'm so sorry."
The sympathy and compassion in her voice stung Daryl like salt in a wound. Daryl contemplated on what he should say next without seeming like he needed comfort, or pity, especially from her. Daryl had stopped pacing by now and just stood with one hand on his hip, and the other shielding his eyes from her and everything else that might distract him from his racing thoughts. Meanwhile, Carol was continually shifting her eyes from Daryl to the ground, occasionally letting out a longing sigh or shifting her stance from one foot to the other, arms crossed protectively over her chest. They were both lost in thought and respected each other's silences.
"It's not like I ain't handled his death before… I should'a seen this comin'- I -I knew Merle would try somethin' but, but I –"
As he spoke his face crumpled as he felt yet another flood of tears coming. Daryl put the back of his hand on his forehead just barely covering his tear-stricken face from her. Just then, not knowing anything else to do, Carol quickly engulfed him in a hug. For the first time, Daryl felt loved, this woman, Carol, she, she cared for him, she loved him, and now that his brother was gone, she might be the only person in the world who does. Who cares. As quickly as the long-overdue and well- desired embrace began, it ended as Daryl came to his sense, realizing that he was showing how weak he was, and when someone's weak, in this world, they die. He had to pull away, no matter how much he craved her solace. Daryl Dixon sure as hell wasn't going to show anyone his weaknesses; even if it meant that he had to push away the only person that actually cared: Carol. He blocked out his emotions and made the conclusion that it was the best thing for both of them that they not get any closer, but the thought never left his mind if they did get closer, maybe it'd be good, I mean, wait, what am I thinkin', she's ma friend, not my woman, and she ain't ever gonna wanna be, that's just how it is. But Daryl still thought about it, denying that he did feel something, for risk that he would get hurt in the end. Sure Rick and the other members of their group respected him, but no one took as much time as Carol did to show him that they cared and that he was an important member of their group, and that he was just as good as Rick or Shane were. 'Every bit', those soft-spoken words still echoed in his ears and made him smile, or at least smirk, when no one was looking. As Daryl stepped back from Carol he finally noticed his surroundings, it was barely light out and here they stood, out here staring at nothing, but everybody else musta' been tryin' ta give them their space, he thought. The moon was already out, and Carol, she looked to be getting thinner every day and Daryl was surprised that he was just now noticing how everyone was getting skinnier, -end of the world can do that to ya, he thought to himself. Also, Carol's hair was growing, and by now Daryl was feeling a bit creepy as he stared at her and scanned his eyes over her figure as he bit the nail of his thumb. But Carol didn't seem to be complaining and blushed just slightly and caught his gaze with a worried look in her eyes.
Carol felt slightly hurt and embarrassed having Daryl pull away from her so quickly it seemed. Then she noticed his studying her as she regained he composure and returned from her thoughts. Carol couldn't help it and blushed ever-so-subtly at the thought of Daryl Dixon looking her, Carol Peletier (if she could even still call herself that), up and down. He's just Daryl, your friend, you do his laundry for Christ's sake, get it together Carol! She mentally scolded herself for becoming so giddy at the smallest of looks. She desperately tried to erase the thought from her mind of Daryl and her becoming closer. Maybe even close enough for more than his eyes to study her entire body. His brother just died and you're thinking about that! He would never want to be more; I need to get over myself, that's just the way it is. Daryl's voice brought her back from her thoughts, thankfully.
"Ah should go -tell Rick."
He couldn't bear to look at her again, still embarrassed for being caught staring, as he shifted from one foot to the other not waiting for a response before turning to leave.
Daryl's sudden excuse was expected, him being Daryl and all, but Carol hoped for at least a moment of him letting his guard down, letting her in to comfort him, but for now the needed space, to get his thoughts together, she guessed.
Carol looked a bit taken back by Daryl's abrupt retreat when thought they were making progress. That maybe this time he would open up a little more, but she could only hope, and if baby steps are the way he wants to take it, then so be it. Carol knew that eventually Daryl would come out of his shell… eventually. But for now, she wasn't going to be pushed away that easily, not now, when she knew Daryl needed her most. She grabbed hold of his arm as he started to walk off back to the prison. What am I doing, let go of his arm, are you crazy, you know Daryl's not into that touchy feely stuff, yet you hug him and grab him anyway! Ugh- - he is probably already emotionally drained from the day; he doesn't need your crap too! Somehow the contradicting voice in her head had changed from Ed's overpowering voice to her own, and without her even realizing, until now. Carol didn't know what came over her, but she couldn't stop herself from hugging him and grabbing him, even with her conscience yelling at her not to. She couldn't control herself; she couldn't just leave the conversation on such an awkward note.
"You still have us, Rick, Glen, Maggie…. Hershel … me…" She paused for a moment feeling silly for somehow emphasizing herself. "…everybody. We care about you and are all here for you," She was still unknowingly gripping his arm firmly in her shaking slender digits. "I care, and you if anything, you need to know that."
When she grabbed his arm it was quite shocking to say the least. Always touchin', but he immediately saw the regret in her eyes for touching him and felt bad for mentally criticizing her, obviously you ain't complainin' none, the sound of Merle's hoarse voice in his head sent a shiver down his spine. Daryl was about to tell him to shut the fuck up when he remembered… and couldn't possibly bring himself to talk back to his dead brother, even if it was only in his thoughts. Course I know you care, and I'm right grateful to have ya, wait what 'have ya'; there I go again talkin' like she's ma woman…or thinkin' it, whatever, it needs ta stop. Not realizing how long he had been lost in thought, or more like space, Daryl came to. He stared into her blue eyes, she had such a comforting look, he knew now, Daryl knew now that he could show his real feelings, his pain, hurt, care even, and she wouldn't judge him, because she cared too. He finally understood that he didn't have to put up this wall that kept everyone out and away, or really that kept him in, secluded, isolated, and somehow safe, away from people who might end up hurting him like everyone else eventually did I his life, but Carol was far from and nothing like everyone else.
"Ah know," Daryl smirked at her best he could to reassure her that he'd be okay, pitch darkness surrounding them with the exception of the new moon up above bringing new beginnings with it. Nodding his head in appreciation, he repeated, "Ah know."
A/N: Thanks so much for reading, and please don't forget to review, and to all you Carylers such as myself...I hope I could do our favorite couple some justice with this! :)