You gave us some place to go
I never said thank you for that
I thought I might get one more chance
What would you think of me now,
So lucky, so strong, so proud?
Never said thank you for that
Now I'll never have a chance
'This isn't real' I try to tell myself for the umpteenth time in the past 2 months. I begin to repeat myself once again as I take another anti depressant.
"These things don't work worth shit" I say to no one. I've been doing that a lot lately, talking to no one, the walls basically. It's been a pretty empty house for the past two months.
Actually I shouldn't say that. The team was by for a while. My family as well. Comforting me, giving me the 'it'll be alright's' and 'if you need anything just call's'. Your basic bullshit.
In all reality, it won't be all right, and if I called, there will always be some excuse to get them away from talking to a miserable woman such as myself.
May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friends
On sleepless roads, the sleepless go
May angels lead you in
However, contrary to what all my friends and family may think, I don't need any of them. All I need is myself, my thoughts, memories of what used to be, and my pills. The pills, which – damn… that stupid phone. A month ago I was seriously considering ripping the chord right out of that wall, but no one has called since then. I wonder who it is.
"Hello?"
"Dakota, sweetie!"
"Oh hi mom"
"You don't sound too thrilled."
"What have you been so busy doing for the past month that you haven't returned any of my calls?"
I can hear a slight hesitation in my mother's voice. After my father died she had sold the farm and finally became the lawyer she wanted, and that, for some strange reason, made her forget everything about manners. She's been a stuck up bitch ever since.
"Darling, I had a business trip, you know how these things can get."
"Yah or course I do. So how's…" I dreaded to ask the question, "Lionel?"
"Oh he's fine you know, still busy trying to take over the world. He's a lot happier now sweetie, you should come visit. We miss you."
Time to change the subject. "Has Clark been over lately?"
"Oh yes, him and Lois were here the other day with little Jonas. They said they tried calling you the other day but you didn't pick up."
I must have passed out because of all the pills. "I must have been busy with work."
"Oh yeah, how's that coming along?"
"Just fine" I lied. I haven't been to work since the incident. Work reminded me too much of him.
I could hear my mother heavily sigh into the phone and I had a feeling she was going to say something that would re-open battle wounds.
"Greg's dead Dakota, He's never coming back so you might as well get over it and fast because you're ruining everyone's mood. Why else do you think I've avoided you? Because I'm ignorant? Hardly."
"Leave it to you to speak for everyone."
"Daks, I am doing this for your own damn good, you have to realize that." And I did.
"Goodbye mother" I just didn't want to hear it. I hung up the phone hearing my mothers voice yelling at me. I didn't need to hear this. Yet then again, she was right. I hated it when she was right, and as I sit here, I'm staring blankly at my now empty bottle of anti-depressants wondering if it was ever worth it.
Was it worth rejecting Nathan when he apologized and begged me for a second chance? Was it worth ruining my friendship with Lex because he hated my new boyfriend? Or giving up the job offer in Miami, because my fiancé would never leave his job in Vegas?
It was.
What it wasn't worth was the countless nights I have spent wallowing in my self-pity. The days I went to the pharmacist for a refill of Prozac because I couldn't cope with the pain in my heart.
So what would you think of me now
So lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that
Now I'll never have a chance
May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friends
On sleepless roads, the sleepless go
May angels lead you in
When I was wasting my time crying over him. I should have been rejoicing for the time we had together. The amazing four years that we made a wonderful connection. Thinking about this sort of makes me feel better. As I pick up the phone, I am very cautious with the words I choose for what I am about to do.
"Grissom."
"Uncle Gil?"
"Dakota, are you alright?" He's concerned, and he's not just bullshitting.
"Yeah I'm fine. I was just calling in regards to the position you offered me, and if it was still available."
"It's still available, but are you sure you want to come back so soon."
"It's been 2 months Uncle Gil, I think work would be the best thing. I need to keep myself occupied." Yeah, occupied around dead bodies and murderers.
"Well the job is yours. You alright for starting tonight?"
"Sure, I just have to go somewhere beforehand so I might be a little late."
"I understand." And he did. I know he did because of all 22 years of my life he was the only person who did. Besides a certain other.
So here I am, at the cemetery. Trying to find the right words because I know he's listening. He's probably laughing at me because I actually picked out a special outfit to wear.
"Greg." I feel a gust of wind past me and I shiver. "I know I haven't been here to visit you yet, but you have to understand it was for all good purposes. I was afraid to collapse in front of you; afraid to show real emotion because I wasn't even sure myself if the emotion I was showing was real or not. In all honesty, today was the first day I have come to terms and believed that what happened was real. I actually feel real now, and that is why I can talk to you now. I can show you that even though I am terribly miserable, I am happy that we were able to meet. I don't regret anything that ever happened between us. The laughs, the cries, the fights, and the endless hours we'd spent convincing one another that no matter what ex or best friend mysteriously showed up, for example Nathan and Candice, we would always belong to each other and no one else."
I took a deep breath and sighed, preparing myself for what I was going to say next.
"I remember something you told me once. You were about 12 years old and your grandmother had just passed and Papa Olaf sat you on the couch beside him and told you that 'it may be hard not to cry or feel upset, but death is a natural occurrence. What is important for you to remember is that we will all be together again in the same place.' He's a wise man that Olaf."
I stifled a laugh because I also remembered when Greg said that exact line. And at that same time I felt another gust of wind pass me and I knew that he was with me. Wanting to talk to me somehow. I kept wishing that Whoopie Goldberg would show up and have us communicate with one another but I reminded myself it was a movie and I'd have to go through some sort of crazy ritual in order to talk to him. And I'm not one for believing in those things.
"I love you Greg. And I miss you so much. No matter what happens in the future, if I find myself with someone else. I will never love them as much as I love you. I miss you Hoje"
With that being said, I let out my final cry and kissed the rose I held in my hand before I gently placed it by his picture. Then I heard a rustle in the leaves.
"Nick…"
"I hear you're re-joining the crew"
"Yeah tonight actually. Can't wait to hit up the old gang and go cruising in the mystery machine, solving cases" He laughed at this. Although I think he was more surprised at my attempt for humor.
"We missed you Daks, each and every one of us." He said this as he grabbed me and gave me a hug. I cried in his shoulder.
"I miss him Nick. I love him so much."
"I know hun, I know. No matter what though, you always have your friends, and Clark and Lois." He knows the whole situation with my mother and Lionel.
"Thank you, I don't know what I would do without you." He winked and held my hand, slowly directing me towards his car.
"I notice you walked here. I guess I could give you a ride to work" I hit him playfully, knowing full well he wouldn't have left me here by myself.
And it was at that time I realized I was never actually alone. No one avoided me except for my mother. I was the one who chose to avoid them. And why? Because I was blinded by my own pity, my own selfishness, the big black hole that I chose to make bigger with each day that went by. That hole is gone now. It's gone because I am moving on with my life.
I'm not choosing to forget Greg. I am just living my life to the fullest so that when that day comes I can meet again with the one person I loved more than life itself. Greg Hojem Sanders.
And if you were with me tonight
I'd sing to you just one last time
A song for a heart so big
God wouldn't let it live
On sleepless roads, the sleepless go
May angels lead you in