My attempt at a humor one shot. I hope everyone will enjoy it, especially Sacred.
Disclaimer: All characters and rights belong to Square Enix.
~For The Sacred and Profane~
"This is just perfect." Reno said. His voice was quiet, yet disgusted.
"Oh come on Re it doesn't look as bad as it probably feels." Tifa said in the most casual voice she could muster.
"Is that right?" Reno said indignantly as he quickly stood up and went to the nearby mirror. Tifa looked down at the ice bag she was holding, getting caught up at watching the small droplets slide down the bag onto the floor.
Reno stared into the mirror. "Oh excuse me Tifa for doubting you, you were right, it is not as bad as it feels....it's worse!" Reno turned and headed back to Tifa, faced enraged; yanked at the bag of ice in her hands and promptly put it back on the eye that was swollen shut. He then stormed off into the guest bedroom, making one last dramatic gesture by slamming the door shut.
At any other time, his actions would have had her rolling, that dark red hair of his gave you all the warning you would need about his fiery temper, but most of the time it would leave almost as quickly as it came. So normally Tifa could just laugh off whatever he was in a tizzy about.
But not today.
Reno had just had a terrible day. His new recruits kept messing up and then goofing off, so when he had walked into the bar in the late afternoon he was a bit on edge. Tifa had been renovating, so there was no need to worry about customers taking her attention away from him. After a little time and a little TLC from his sexy wife, Reno had begun to feel slightly better.
Then Marlene had walked in.
She had looked lovely in a pink sundress and a yellow flower in her hair. She had a date and had stopped by to get a woman's opinion about how she looked. It was understandable, Barret was still in denial that Marlene was now 16 and basically had to be sedated to get him to give Marlene permission to go on a picnic with a boy from her class.
So thus Marlene had walked in, nervous and excited. After Tifa had given her approval Marlene had turned to Reno to ask his opinion. That's when all hell broke loose.
"Aww Marlene you look adorable."
Oops.
Anyone want to take a guess at a word you don't use on a teenager whose hormones are raging, is an emotional roller coaster, and is hoping to look like a woman and not a little girl? Yup you guessed it, adorable.
Here's the summary of the next events:
Marlene gives Reno a horrified look, repeats adorable about three or four times, then starts "assuming" what he was really trying to say. Yes the sweet and beautiful Marlene goes into a tirade of why didn't he just say what he really meant, that she looks like a little girl trying to play dress up...etc, etc. This went on for about five minutes with Reno cringing, trying to hide behind the bar and then Marlene ends the performance falling to her knees and sobbing.
Pretty bad right?
It gets worse.
Of course Cloud has to walk in, sees Marlene sobbing on the floor, hears between sobs that Reno is so mean to her and thus the next thing Reno knows Cloud has pulled him out from behind the bar and lifted him high enough so his feet were no longer touching the ground. With gritted teeth Cloud then starts the interrogation.
Marlene was so shocked by Cloud's reaction she actually sat there dumbfounded, watching the display.
Reno then made the mistake of saying "I wasn't mean to her...I" , but he never got to finish the sentence. Reno gets his feet back on the ground just in time for a fist in the face....or more accurately his right eye.
That brings Cloud a kick in the stomach from Tifa, who herself is now enraged and tells both Marlene and Cloud to get out of the bar immediately. Cloud, still hunched over from the kick grabs Marlene's hand and quickly gets out of the bar.
And that is how we got to where we are now.
Tifa shakes her head, Reno had worked hard at letting go of his constant thoughts of being a screw up; unworthy. Reno and Tifa along with both sets of their friends have worked hard at moving on from past deeds and leaning towards forgiveness. Even Barret has slowly began to tolerate Reno. But Tifa knew that Reno was in that room beating himself up for making a young girl cry, one that had accepted him immediately...and had continued even after she knew about his past actions.
So Tifa decided to find away to show him that things were really different now, and that there can be humor found even in the worst of days.
----
"Tifa, it's Marlene....is Reno okay? I feel so bad about the way I acted, can I talk to him?"
"Actually Marlene, it's great that you called, I'm glad you want to talk to him but I think I may have an even better way for you to apologize. Do you have a little time this evening to come over to our house? Great! Oh and see if Denzel is available too would you?"
"Hey Yuffie, it's Tifa...please tell me you don't have plans tonight?"
----
Reno laid in the now dark guest room, stirring from the nap he accidentally had taken after coming in here to pout. How long have I been in here?
He warily sat up in the bed and then slowly got out of it and made his way to the bathroom. He still didn't feel that great and when he observed his swollen shut eye, it now had beautiful purple, black, and green colors all around it. Yup, definitely desk work for a couple of days. Hell maybe that Chocobo punk had actually done him a favor, since now he would have a few days off from those punks he recruited.
As he splashed water on his face his thoughts fell to Marlene. She had looked so lovely, so grown up...why hadn't he said that? Instead he had crushed her self esteem and made her ball her eyes out. Great friend he was turning out to be. Somehow he would fix it, maybe give her some money so she could go on another date with her guy. Wait..what was all that noise out in the living room area? Don't get mad, what did you expect her to do, come in and comfort you after you stormed around and pouted like a child. Nope, and serves you right for acting like such a prima donna. Or was it pre madonna?
So, how long are you going to stay in here, until someone finally decides to check on you? I got a better idea, why don't you act like a man and go out there, apologize to your wife and then give Marlene a call? After taking another minute or two to get rid of the horrible stench that was his breath by swishing some mouthwash, he put his hands through his hair, straightened his goggles and his now even more wrinkled suit and headed out of the guest room.
As he opened the door he heard a little shriek and a bunch of feet clunking on the floor along with some fast whispering. The whole place was dark except for the lamp on a night table and a chair. He walked up to it, there was a glass of whisky on ice along with a note.
Dear Reno, please sit down. I hope you enjoy your drink and entertainment.
It didn't look like Tifa's writing...entertainment?
Just after he sat down a bunch of lights came on making Reno jump in the chair and shield his one good eye for a second.
Then Marlene jumps out from the kitchen area.
"Good evening Ladie...err Gentleman...uh sir"
Marlene glanced back at the kitchen for a moment and then continued.
"My friends and I present to you The Turks and The Avalanche...A tragic comedy or maybe a comic tragedy, only you can decide."
Reno's eyebrow lifted and he decided to take the drink offered on the table because this was definitely a wacky situation and thus called for alcohol (probably why they had put it there).
Marlene then ran up to Reno, told him to close his eyes and then he heard some more talking and moving of objects. After a few moments she whispered at him to reopen his eyes, or in this case eye.
He could not believe it, there was Tifa in black pants, white shirt, black tie and one of his jackets, which could only be buttoned so high due to Tifa's...assets. But her hair was slicked back in a low pony tail and by her expression Reno knew exactly who she was suppose to be...Tseng. She was sitting behind a desk when Yuffie walked in. He almost fell over in laughter, she had a short blonde bobbed wig on, also wearing black slacks, white shirt, tie and one of his jacket's, it was too long but she had rolled up the bottom part of the sleeves and was trying to look as natural in the suit as possible. She walked briskly up to "Tseng" and started going on and on about a mission that had just finished. It was only because she had walked in that Reno noticed Denzel, looking very stoic with a certain type of sunglasses on his face, though he obviously was not bald, he had on a fake goatee and mustache. He was sitting at another desk but his arms were crossed and he was starring straight ahead.
"Elena" was still going on and on until finally "Tseng" spoke. "That is enough Elena, please just go file a report!"
"Elena stood there for a moment, so "Tseng" continued. "Elena, you must find a way to act like a Turk, why haven't you used me as an example, I am a no humor, power tripping, anal retentive, stick up my ass kind of guy and isn't that something you dream of being?"
"No Tseng, that is someone I dream of being with!"
And with that "Elena", started clawing at Tseng, pretending to rip off "his" clothes.
"Take me now, you stuck up pain in the ass!"
"Tseng" was "trying" to get away, yelling to "Rude".
"Rude, damn it help me will ya, she is trying to take me right here, this is NOT professional! "
And "Rude" just turns his head slowly grunts and then pulls out a magazine as "Elena" tackles "Tseng" while Tseng keeps yelling Rude's name for help.
Reno is laughing, and is secretly turned on by the kind of girl and girl action he is seeing at the moment.
But then Marlene jumps out again in front of them and says "End of Act I"
A few seconds later the lights go dark again. And once again there is whispering and objects moving. Reno can hear a few lines of ow, watch it, etc.
Then once again, sudden brightness.
It's Marlene and Denzel. Marlene is dressed in just jeans and a t-shirt but her mannerisms give her away almost immediately on who she is supposed to be, and Denzel has a stick over his shoulder and his hair and been spiked.
"Great Shiva, I'll tell you Spike, I just don't understand what has gotten into everyone these days? Everyone getting along, my little baby girl datin, our friends wantin to get together to celebrate friendship...I tell you what I crave for is the days of conflict, know what I'm sayin?
"Sure do, everything and everyone is so calm and peaceful, I have lost almost every reason to act emo. It's a terrible feeling."
"Ya know what we need?"
"I think I do big guy."
"Hell yeah, we need lackeys."
"That way maybe people we can feel the pride of being a leader again!"
"Yeah that's all good, but honestly I just need someone to yell at and boss around that ain't got no sass."
"Damn straight."
They walk off and Tifa and Yuffie come in, dressed as each other. Yuffie has pillows in her chest and Tifa has on shorts that are well, short and is holding some materia.
"So Tifa, can I show you my new materia now?" "Tifa" rolls her eyes.
"Oh come on, it is such a great story on how I swiped it, there was this old perv who was looking me up and down...talk about GROSS. I wanted to just kick him in his you know where, but in the end I just pretended like I was going to strip and the old perv passed right out. It was EPIC! "
"That was another great story Yuffie, an obviously bored "Tifa" said.
"But I really need to talk about Reno and me now okay? Did I tell you how he made me a picnic on the beach?"
"Yes Tifa."
"How about the time he set up the bedroom as a spa and gave an amazing full body massage that led to hot passionate sex?"
"Yuffie" nodded her head.
"How about the time where- "
"Oh shut up, I get you have a great husband, stop shoving it down my throat...I can't even keep a boyfriend!"
''Probably because you get hotter for the materia than for a man!"
"What!"
"You heard me, it's materia that, and materia this...no guy can compete with that!"
"You take it back you rubbing in your good life bitch"
And then Tifa and Yuffie "attacked" each other, pulling hair, light slapping, and rolling around. They both winked at Reno when he began to clap and let out a few whistles.
At that moment Marlene came out again and said, "End of Act 2."
Marlene then continued, "See if you had coworkers and friends like this, you would be having a bad day too. The End. Thank you and goodnight"
Reno stood up and began to clap even though he was still laughing.
Tifa got up and ran to Reno and he swept her up in an embrace.
"So Re, is your day going a little better now?"
Reno was truly overwhelmed, to do all this in a few hours, just to cheer him up, he still didn't know how he had gotten so lucky to have Tifa and her friends in his life.
Not being able to speak he just hugged Tifa tighter, nodding yes.
Like clockwork Yuffie came up to break up the sweet moment. "We know that you like girl on girl action so we figured this was the close we could get to your fantasy image, plus you normally say it starts out with a spat right?"
Reno chuckled, "Thanks a lot Yuffie."
"Hey no sweat, it was actually a lot of fun, and not bad for being put together in a few hours if I say so myself."
"No, not bad at all." Reno's attention then turned to Denzel and they shared a guy nod before Denzel went back to clean up duties. Then Reno saw Marlene in the kitchen, cleaning out his whisky glass at the sink. He leaned down and gave Tifa and quick but sensual kiss, making sure to give her a hint to what would be coming later and then pulled apart from her and headed in the kitchen.
"Hey Marlene."
"Hey Reno...did you like the skit?" Marlene asked sheepishly as she continued to look at the now very clean drink glass.
"Yes I did, it was wonderful." Reno paused for a moment and then continued.
"I owe you an apology about what I said to you earlier."
"No! You don't, it was completely unfair for me to ask you to look at me as anything but what you see me as, you were kind and I freaked out at you and got you punched in the eye!"
Marlene started to cry now, very softly.
"I am so sorry Reno."
Reno moved up to her and turned her so she could cry in his chest, hugging her tightly for a few moments.
"Thank you, Marlene I really appreciate it. But you must let me apologize for not telling you what I thought when I saw you."
He pulled her away from his chest and Marlene finally met his eyes.
"I thought that you looked like a lovely young woman and I should have said so."
Marlene lit up, "You really mean that?"
"Yes I do, just make sure that guy...or any guy for that matter treats you right, yo."
"Oh don't worry I don't put up with blatant disrespect and plus if he survives my wrath he has two grown men waiting to dismember him."
"Three, three grown men."
Marlene broke out into a big smile, and hugged Reno again. "Yeah your right, three."
She then broke apart from him and went out to help Yuffie and Denzel.
Reno turned to see Tifa standing at the edge of the kitchen.
"Ya know Teef, this day has had quite the turn around, it has become almost perfect."
"Almost?" Tifa questioned as Reno moved in and wrapped his arms around her waist, kissing her softly on different parts of her face.
"Yeah, there is only one thing left to do to make it perfect."
"Oh yeah?"
"Recreate that scene from earlier with me as the boss and you as my subordinate...but unlike the earlier scene, I can promise you I won't beg to be saved."
Tifa softly chuckled as she moved in for a kiss, only to hear Yuffie in the other room.
"Okay guys, I think we have cleaned this up pretty good, let's get out of here before kitchens are ruined for me for life."
Reno and Tifa poked out there heads from the kitchen, waving and smiling. "Goodnight guys, thanks so much for all your help."
"Yes, thank you for the skit."
The three guests waved quickly back and walked quickly out the door, apparently afraid if they didn't get far away soon, they would be getting a "skit" of their own.
Tifa then turned back to Reno and asked, "Now, where were we?" And then pulled Reno in for a passionate kiss.
Later on, exhausted by a wonderful session of lovemaking, as Reno allowed sleep to overtake him, he decided that thanks to Tifa and all the special things she brought to his life; true bad days would be few and far between.
He turned and put his arm over Tifa, saying the same words he had said so many hours ago, only this time with pure contentment in his voice.
"This is just perfect."