Lost?

by the27

”I won’t give in to him.” That promise sounded hollow and empty as it echoed throughout his head – he no longer knew why he should fight a battle he was going to loose. YULLEN WEEK ENTRY. Theme: “Battle”

"Lost?"
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Fandom: -man
Rating: T
Pairing: Kanda x Allen
Summary:

""I won't give in to him." That promise sounded hollow and empty as it echoed throughout his head – he no longer knew why he should fight a battle he was going to loose."
YULLEN WEEK ENTRY. Theme: "Battle"

Author's Notes: Hello once again! 27 here with the next fic in my series of stories for Yullen week.

…it's a day late.

Today's will probably be late as well.

And tomorrow's…

…-dies inside-

But I'll make sure to get them done. Even if I don't really like how they're turning out. Pfft.

I'm on a writer's block at the moment. Please pity me 8,D –shot-

Anyway.

Spoilers for the last, oh, fifteen chapters or so. I can never remember.

Enjoy~

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Kanda had once said that Allen's sense of direction was so terrible that he would get lost in an empty room if he didn't have a sign showing him where the door was. He had taken great offense at that, retorting that he certainly wasn't he only one who had gotten lost in Headquarters before and that Kanda should stop teasing him whenever he got the chance. Allen had never finished that sentence though as the samurai had managed to make him loose his train of thought by covering Allen's mouth with his own, whispering that no, Allen would definitely get lost, but he, Kanda, would always be there to show him the way. Back then, the white-haired boy had believed it – he had put so much faith in Kanda's words and Kanda's actions and Kanda's promises, because Kanda was Kanda and Allen had faith in Kanda.

Now he was shut up in his room, thinking back on that conversation with a bitter smile gracing his face – how could Kanda help him now, when Allen was lost in his own mind?

The feeling the Fourteenth of the Noah gave him was like the sensation of being lost in an empty forest, with the easiest exit being right in front of him, so tempting in it's promise to free him from the dark trees – but once he left, Allen wouldn't Allen anymore. Of course, he other option was to turn back and return the way he had come, which was a winding, twisting road covered in thorns and bramble and every other foul thing imaginable, and in the end the shadows would still catch him anyway.

What was the point in fighting if you knew you would eventually loose?

Allen sighed, a sound that had been steadily sounding more and more depressed as the days and weeks rolled by, and he couldn't help but laugh at himself – the Allen Walker everyone at the Order knew was slowly slipping away, despite the white-haired boy's optimistic promise: "I'll never lose to him." How many weeks had it been since he'd first said those words? They echoed in his head like a voice in the mountains, a hollow promise made by the naive child he once was. But the looming presence of the Fourteenth had proven to be much more difficult to deal with that he had previously anticipated – the memories of the man were, truly, beginning to invade his own, evaporating the other thoughts and feelings that identified him as Allen Walker. Dismayed at the thought of what he was going to eventually become, the boy had begun to keep himself solely to his room, only emerging three times a day to fetch some food from Jerry, ad even them he had arrived and departed swiftly to avoid the chef's now constant nagging about Allen's health. Apparently his new solitary lifestyle had not gone unnoticed within the Headquarters, as it wasn't only Jerry who seemed to enjoy bombarding him with questions and concerns every time they met.

"Allen-kun? Is something wrong?" Lenalee had asked one day previously as he had nearly run her over in his attempt to fetch his dinner. And he had smiled at her and said that everything was fine before picking up his pace to leave her behind. Lavi, as well, when he wasn't out doing what Bookmen do, seemed to be obsessed with getting Allen to go out on missions with them more often, and a those times Allen had politely refused, saying that there were other matters he had to deal with concerning the apparent death of Cross. This was, of course, a lie, and Lavi knew it – but the redhead never seemed to bother him after that, instead settling with gazing at Allen with pity in his eyes. Even Link, who never seemed to take any interest in Allen's personal grievances, had asked him whether or not he was feeling alright. He, too, had received that same smile and that lie of an answer everyone else received.

Everyone except Kanda.

Because Kanda had never asked.

Allen didn't know whether he should be happy or sad about that fact – ever since the annoucnment given concerning the memories of the Fourteenth and Allen, Kanda had not once ever asked Allen about it. He had never asked that stupid question "Are you alright?"; he had never acted any different towards Allen. When they were around others they still fought, when they were alone they still kissed. But now that Allen kept himself to himself, he hadn't seen Kanda in a while, since the samurai never seemed to be one of the people he met in the hallways on his food-fetching missions. Allen didn't know whether he should be happy or sad about that fact. He didn't really know much about anything anymore.

A sharp sound filtered into the room and Allen recognized the harsh sound of someone beating on his door – obviously wanting in. The thought that it was probably Lenalee again, asking him if he wanted to talk to her about anything, or Lavi, asking him to head out with him on some misadventure of sorts, depressed him – he didn't take joy in having to lie to his friends, but what else was he going to say? He decided to place his bets on trying to ignore the persistent banging, but whomever it was seemed bent on gaining entry to Allen's sanctuary and, preparing his usual fake smile and ready excuse as to why he couldn't do whatever they wanted him to do, he went to the door and opened it to reveal a glowering Kanda on the other side.

Kanda had never come to visit him before.

Allen had a millisecond to kick his mind back in gear before he heard the door slam shut and felt himself get shoved against the wall, Kanda pinning him there with his hands on Allen's shoulders and his tongue in Allen's mouth.

"Why are you avoiding everyone?"

When Allen managed to get his breath back, he was looking into the troubled, dark blue seas of Kanda's eyes that were staring at him without blinking, waiting for the white-haired boy's reply.

"Because I don't want to see them." The smiled that accompanied this earned him a harsher grip on his shoulders and the sound of Kanda gritting his teeth. Was he annoyed? But Kanda was always annoyed…

"What changed?"

No one had asked Allen that before.

Because everyone had not wanted to acknowledge that Allen had changed.

"You used to be an annoying little ignorant stupid smiling bean sprout."

Allen couldn't help but laugh at Kanda's statement. "It's hard to be naive when you have a Noah hovering over your shoulder every second of every day. Kind of distracting."

"Just that?"

"…you say that like it's nothing. I'm going to end up killing everyone, Kanda, because the Fourteenth is going to take me over. I can't stop it. And I'm too scared to die."

"You didn't say that before."

"Things change, Kanda."

And Kanda looked like he wanted to hit him. Allen smiled again, wider than before. The sad truth of it all was crushing, now that he said it aloud. Maybe that was why he kept lying to everyone. To protect his himself from this hurt.

"But you're still Allen now."

"But for how long?"

"Doesn't matter."

Allen was going to aim another retort but was cut off by Kanda kissing him again.

If the feeling the Fourteenth gave him was like being lost in an empty forest, then the feeling Kanda gave him was like finding a light in that forest, a light that he couldn't reach out to unless it reached out to him first.

"So you're going to ignore it like everyone else?" And Allen had hoped Kanda was smarter than that.

"Of course not. But you're not that thing yet. You're still a stupid bean sprout. Treasure it."

That light had reached out to him, that light that was Kanda, and although Allen still thought that he was fighting a loosing battle, if Kanda wanted him to fight, he would. Because Allen owned Kanda for giving him that light.

"…I guess I am."

"Che."

For once, Allen was glad that, of all the arguments he waged, he almost always lost the ones he had with Kanda.

XXXXX

…is it just me, or is Allen way to OOC for this fic to even be possible?

I made him weaker than his canon self.

I feel ashamed Dx

Anywhai.

Please don't hit me too hard for how much this fails.

My writer's block is killing everything I write.

Hopefully it'll go and die soon.

Sooo. I'm going out of town tomorrow, so both today's fic and tomorrow's fic will most likely not be up until Monday. Sorry to anyone that cares ;w;

So, until next tiem,

-27