Disclaimer: This is a fic by the fans and for the fans. If you have no idea who these people are, or what's going on, fuck you I'm not holding your hand through this.

Super Robot Wars: Oh Geez

So Close, and yet so… painfully… far…

[Stage One: The Beautiful Little Toaster]

The year is 187 SE… the entire Earth has been fried, fractured, and fucked–wait, no, wrong parody. Six months have passed since Bian Zoldark and his Divine Crusaders decided that the best way to save humankind from hostile alien invaders was to start a war against humankind that killed millions, weakened the military strength as a whole, and plunged world society and economy into chaos.

It was a good thing that the alien invaders were so fucking incompetent that only a handful of special snowflakes on two ships were enough to make the problem go away… for the most part.

Nevertheless, peace came at a horrible price. Namely, with the Divine Crusaders out of a job due to their leadership being handed their 90mm pensions, a bunch of butthurt try-hards with a lot of guns, a lot of time, and a marked deficit of common sense felt that it was necessary to continue a war that never should've been waged in the first place for a goal that even they aren't sure they know of anymore.

Unfortunately, that was the least of everyone's problems. Because that was the first game, and the really stupid shit didn't start until this one.

[Story Phase]

Six months ago, Kusuha Mizuha piloted a giant robot with her mind, and with it defeated an army led by a middle-aged otaku and his elderly pedophile right hand, before laying a tremendous smackdown on a surprisingly undermanned space fortress commanded by surprisingly humanlike aliens. She'd killed, she'd nearly been killed, she'd been brainwashed (and naturally rescued), and she traded blows with some of the most powerful weapons in creation. Pretty good for an eighteen year old high school student.

Naturally, once she had done her unwilling duty to the world, as a token of appreciation the Earth Federation gave her a job at their elite Langley, Virginia Base… as a nurse. While she appreciated the gesture, she was hoping for something a little more substantial than an opportunity to be sexually harassed aggressively and frequently by soldiers and staff alike. Like, free tuition to the medical school of her choice or at least some field medic training. Hell, she'd even take some custom made bras over this shit.

"343," Kusuha said.

Excellen Browning, a 23 year old foxy blonde bombshell of a woman whose busty figure was etched into the minds of many a soldier thanks to too much alcohol, a web camera, and an uncharacteristically willing boyfriend, looked over to Kusuha at her utterance in the office reserved for the older woman's combat unit… the ATX Team.

"343 what?" Excellen asked.

"That's how many times I've been sexually harassed since I've gotten here."

Excellen frowned. "You'd think people would know better after the first sixty."

Kusuha leaned back in her chair, and cupped her large breasts. "God, I appreciate your bountiful gifts, but please grant the gift of decency to my fellow man."

"You ask too much of God, I suggest you do what I would do."

Kusuha tilted her head back down and stared at Excellen. "I'm not making a sex tape."

"I was going to say force-feed them that god awful health drink of yours, thank you."

Kusuha's stare became a thoughtful look. "I could remove certain ingredients to maintain the flavor but remove the possible benefits." She then shook her head. "But that'd just make them vindictive. Then one day, when Major General Garrett decides to look the other way, bam. My life becomes a porn mag complete with netorare, mind-break, and unhealthy doses of non-consensual coitus."

Excellen frowned. "I'd argue that people would have to be functionally psychopathic to try that with us around, but hey… the Divine Crusaders." She then raised an eyebrow. "… And what exactly is a healthy dose of non-consensual coitus?"

"I don't inquire about your sex-life, Browning, don't ever ask about mine," Kusuha said.

Excellen appeared enlightened. "Those bruises around Brooklyn's neck and wrists suddenly make sense now."

Just as she said that, the door opened and in walked Brooklyn "Bullet" Luckfield, followed by the leader of the ATX Team, Kyosuke Nanbu.

"… Those bruises around your neck and wrists suddenly make sense now," Kyosuke said to Bullet as they walked in through the threshold, finishing a similar but wholly different line of conversation. He looked to Excellen and Kusuha. "Afternoon ladies."

Bullet, a shockingly all-American kid as denoted by his Eagle Landesque name and hair and eyes so blonde and blue one would wonder if he was actually a boy from Brazil, looked upon Kusuha in surprise. "Aren't you supposed to be at the hospital, Kusuha?"

Excellen shrugged her shoulders. "They're messing with her again."

Bullet sighed, went to his desk in the office and drew from behind it a sheathed Japanese sword. "Okay, who and what did they do?"

Kyosuke looked at the sword. "Hey, I thought I told you to get rid of that."

Bullet turned to his superior. "I'm trying, but it seems that no one on eBay believes that this is a genuine noted sword."

"That's because it isn't," Kusuha and Excellen said together.

Kyosuke agreed. "Yeah, Rishu made that one for you, didn't he?"

"Yes, however, if I'm going to get rid of this sword I'm going to make some serious cash on it. Thanks to that fuck-head Garrett, my paychecks are still being 'withheld' for various reasons," Bullet growled.

"Yeah, it's started happening to me, too. What's he got against us, anyway?" Kusuha asked. "Lately now he's been even worse."

"Remember that thing about functional psychopathy we talked about?" Excellen asked.

Kyosuke took a seat. "Well kids, on the bright side, we're all being assigned to a ship, so we don't have to deal with Garrett's shit any longer."

Excellen perked up. "Really? A ship? The Hagane? The Hiryu?!"

Introducing the Shirogane, a staggering kilometer long, she is a member of the Space Noah class of ship, of which two others, the Hagane and Kurogane, became notorious during the Divine Crusader War six months ago. Being a vessel purpose built for Super Robot Wars, she is capable of carrying and launching machines of almost any size, even larger than a ship of her size should be capable of carrying! And as she was a vessel purpose built for Real Robot Wars, she was painted a pure bright white, to draw as much attention from slow-witted enemies as humanly possible.

The Captain of the ship is Lee Linjun, a man who like many others in the upper echelons of the Federation Army has severe issues regarding anger misplacement. In his case, because his family was killed by one Ingram Plisken betraying his own forces, Lee placed the blame on the very forces Ingram betrayed, irrationally desiring revenge against them because apparently to fund giant robots and weapons that routinely ruin the laws of physics, the EFA cut all therapists from their budgets.

He regarded his new pilots with contempt well-hidden behind a professional veil, so professional and so contemptuous he didn't even bother to ogle Excellen or Kusuha's fantastic breasts as he walked in on them getting shit-talked by their base Commander, Major General Kenneth Garrett, in the operations center of the Langley Base.

"… And as you are now stationed aboard the Shirogane, I expect you to continue your duties better than you've had while stationed here, or can the heroes of the L5 Campaign not handle peon's work?" Garrett didn't have Lee Linjun's misplaced anger issues, he was merely a dick who wanted to be a Divine Crusader, but didn't because he was a pussy.

"No sir, in fact compared to saving the whole of humankind, we relish this sort of thing," Kyosuke replied with his usual cool, serious demeanor.

The bald CO took an angry puff from his pipe. "You had better, because if I had my way you'd be flying cargo planes full of rubber dog shit out of Hong Kong!"

I wish he wouldn't quote Top Gun, it makes him sound like such a tool, Kyosuke thought to himself as he maintained his greatest asset, his nigh-impervious poker face. Seriously, it was bad enough that he actually knew a guy with the Callsign "Ice Man".

"Well, does it pay at least? Because if I can get a paycheck flying out rubber dog shit…" Bullet asked out of line.

Garrett glared at Bullet, but before he could haul off on him, Lee spoke up. "Major-General Garrett, I hope I'm not interrupting."

Garrett looked to Lee and snorted. "Nothing out of the ordinary for this lot. Captain Linjun, meet your pilots and their communal fuckhole, the ATX Team," he said as he gestured to the pilots and Kusuha respectively.

Kyosuke's pokerface well-hid his desire to murder everyone forever. "Now beau, I wish you wouldn't call me 'fuckhole' in public, that's for when we're alone."

Bullet's immediate impulse to rip off Garrett's face and shit on his exposed skull was headed off by Kyosuke's remark, and he found himself struggling not to laugh at the look on Garrett's face.

"Nanbu-"

Kyosuke cut Garrett off as he spoke to Lee, "Forgive the outburst, sir. His hemorrhoids always act up after a rough night."

He actually winked to Lee. "If you know what I mean."

The horrified look on Lee's face would live on the internet long after mankind's fires have dimmed thanks to Kusuha's discrete use of a camera phone. Bullet was now trying really hard not to laugh, as Kusuha vented hers in dainty coughs into her palm. Excellen's poker face rivaled Kyosuke's, largely because she was imagining how she was going to drain every drop from her boyfriend's massive balls the second they had a moment alone.

Garrett stared at Kyosuke, the pipe he smoked hanging from his lower lip, before falling to the floor with a clatter. Kyosuke looked down at it, and then back up at his face. "I said it."

As he finally purged the mental image from his mind, Lee quietly accepted that Kyosuke Nanbu was a funny guy. However… "Okay, first off, Lieutenant Junior Grade Nanbu, none of that shit is going to fly on my ship."

Kyosuke wondered how Lee got his hair to do that.

"I run a tight ship. Now that you're under my command, you're going to be working twice as hard."

It was a perfect curl, like as if his hair had been drawn by Araki.

"That means no backtalk, no sass, no nicknames, no hijinks, no shenanigans, no trolling, no griefing, no booping, no beep beping, no defibbing, and definitely no fraternizing." Lee looked between Kyosuke and Excellen closely, at that.

"Understood sir, can we still have Manzai Mondays?" Kyosuke asked.

"… I'm gonna go with no."

Kyosuke looked over to Garrett. "I'm sorry baby, take me back."

Garrett was still blind, deaf, and dumb with rage, so he didn't hear that.

Lee pinched the bridge of his nose. "You're getting it all out of your system, aren't you Nanbu?"

Kyosuke held up his hand with his forefinger and pointer mere millimeters apart, denoting "just a little".

"All the same, now that you're under my command I expect you to take this seriously! We're going to be facing a dangerous enemy out there, and I'll need the four of you to be focused and ready for the task at hand," Lee said. "Now let's get out of here before Garrett's rage breaks and he orders you all killed."

The ATX Team snapped into salute. "Yes sir!"

As Kusuha, Bullet, and Excellen followed Lee out of the room, Kyosuke stopped and leaned close to Garrett. "Talk like that to our faces again, Garrett, and I will treat you to an all you can eat stake buffet. Stay shiny, you crazy diamond."

He left for the door, and then broke into a mad dash when he heard Garrett growl like a rabid dog ready to tear him to shreds.

As Kyosuke caught up with the group and fell in line behind their new Captain, Lee was already formulating a plan to murder all four of them. Nanbu would be first, he decided. A smartass guy like him, it wouldn't be too hard to kill him, right?

[Battle Phase]

You can find anything in Mexico. Anything from maracas to meth, Jesus to women who engage in salacious acts with members of the family Equidae. One thing you can't find in Mexico, are the Divine Crusader Remnants, or that's what they'd want you to believe. In fact anyone can find Divine Crusader Remnants in Mexico… as a woman named Lamia Loveless in a damaged robot found out much to her displeasure.

"Aiyiyiyiyi! Alpha to Charlie, did you see that machine land?" The lead pilot in a six-strong group of awkwardly designed flying robots known as the Lion-F called out to the leader of another group of Lions as they came across the machine that just moments before hurtled through their formation and touched down on the Mexican terrain below.

"We were found out," Charlie lamented.

"We can't let it get away, those who lay eyes on the Divine Crusaders shall not live to tell of it!" Alpha Leader declared.

Inside her robot, Lamia checked her systems, which were all red and flashing. Red and flashing was no good, it usually meant that something was about to blow up, or someone got drunk again and was running around the base, shoving his genitalia into people's faces.

"I'm fucked," she observed aloud in Microsoft Mary's voice, "The radar and ASRS are fucking each other gently, but the operating system is intact. I have missed the landing point, and I have gained the attention of a bunch of flying cocks."

She turned her robot around to face the oncoming enemies. "Fortunately they are only tiny cocks."

There were even more alarms and flashing reds all over, as the Lions launched their attack, and Lamia let out a sigh as she prepared her personal robot for combat. Drawing its sword and readying the blade, Lamia opened up the throttle, and the Super Robot known simply as Vysaga vanished from the paths of the missiles, which slammed into the ground and exploded.

The Lions of Charlie Flight, who had opened fire, watched as the machine vanished. Charlie Leader looked around. "Wow it's fast! Wait, why is my vision sliding up in one direction and down in the other?"

His and three other Lions in his flight slid in half and exploded violently as the Vysaga reappeared behind them. Lamia looked back at the two remaining targets as the other two Lions came around to attack. She lamented their fates aloud, "Even half-erect, my throbbing shaft's girth far surpasses your anal circumference. You will experience further rectal tearing before the day is over, however your suffering will be mercifully brief."

The two remaining Lions of Charlie Flight attacked, firing their arm mounted railguns at the Vysaga. The hypersonic sabots passed through the Super Robot's flickering after image seconds before its blade passed through them.

"Six targets have had their rectal passages obliterated." Lamia stopped. "What the fuck is wrong with my speech pattern?"

She suddenly had more pressing problems as her robot suffered a small explosion and fell back to the ground. "Tesla Drive fucked. Fuck."

The remaining flight of Lions formed a circle around the Vysaga, leveling missiles and railgun on the dark blue, red cloaked super robot. "All units, all units, lock onto the target and Fire For Effect."

Another Alpha Flight pilot then noticed his radar acting up. "Sir! Enemy units right on top of us!"

Alpha Leader looked up. "Above us-?"

Eighty-five tons of red, black, and white-painted metal plummeted out of the sky and landed on Alpha Leader's thirty-two ton Lion. Both units fell to the ground below, and landed with a tremendous, explosive impact. When the smoke cleared, the PTX-003C Alteisen stepped off the demolished Lion.

Upon seeing the Alteisen, Lamia's eyes widened. "It's red, and lacking in dicks sprouting everywhere… but that's the Gespenst Mk. III. So I guess I actually made it across." She stopped again. "Dicks sprouting everywhere? What the fuck is wrong with my speech pattern?"

A second lion was immediately battered by gunfire, flying apart before it exploded. The other four Lions looked up, but could only see a distant ship flying miles up directly overhead, far out of range. A narrow yellow beam then shined from under the ship, and sliced through two more Lions, bisecting them.

Holding onto the Shirogane's keel with one hand, the white-painted PTX-007-03C Weisser Ritter aimed its large two-barreled Oxtongue Rifle down at the targets far, far below. "Brooklyn, do you want the last two?"

Lamia turned and noticed another robot land next to her, a dark blue machine that looked like that a series of units that gave her no small amount of trouble… back there. "Oh God, a fucking Gundam."

Bullet quickly waved his Huckebein Mark II's hand towards the Vysaga. "Gundam? No, this a Huckebein!"

Huckebein? Oh God, this universe was full of insane people. Vindel was probably creaming his pants in excitement right now.

"No, I'm out of position, could you handle it?" Bullet replied to Excellen. A second later, the two remaining Lions were sniped dead before they could do anything else. Bullet turned his attention to the Vysaga. "Are you all right?"

"Negative, my cock is damaged." Lamia slapped her forehead, was this what humans called embarrassment?

Bullet stared blankly at the Vysaga. "They have pills for that."

"Fuck you, my oral semen receptacle is not forming words correctly," Lamia growled. There was a moment of silence. "FUCK!"

"Are… are you injured?" Bullet asked.

Lamia's face was planted in her hands. "Yes. Brain damaged."

"Pardon my concern, but who are you and what sort of machine is that?" Kyosuke asked.

Lamia looked up. "My name is Lamia Loveless, I am an intern for Isurugi Industries." She sighed in relief, happy to have said something normally.

Aboard the Shirogane, Lee looked over to one of the many faceless operators aboard his ship. "Confirm that."

"Confirmed, Isurugi Industries, ID code VR-02," the faceless XO, whom I will call Slender for convenience, replied.

Lee didn't like this. Isurugi made nothing but Lions, and it was an open secret that Mitsuko Isurugi was in bed with everyone, figuratively speaking, so really it was a question of who the actual fuck actually built this thing and to what end. "All right, bring the unit aboard. But I've got some questions for Isurugi in regards to why a machine like that would be out in suspected rebel territory like this."

Down on the ground as the Shirogane descended, Kyosuke frowned. "Why would Isurugi have an intern with brain damage pilot a prototype giant robot?"

"Functional psychopathy," Lamia replied.

Kyosuke nodded. "Yeah, that's about right."

"It's an epidemic, I swear," Excellen quipped.

Kyosuke agreed. "No, just a sign of a greater problem that I think is going to rear its ugly head sooner or later."

Bullet sighed. "We're in for some really silly shit, aren't we?"

"Some brutally silly shit," Kyosuke replied.

[Stage Clear!]

Far away, two shadowy figures stood in shadows, admiring just how fucked up everything had gone. What was supposed to be a simple transfer between one dimension to the other had been turned into a massive clusterfuck thanks to one bleeding heart liberal and his crazy idea that their idea was the crazy one. Shadowy figure number one was a man named Vindel Mauser, a blue-haired anime man who embraced Social Darwinism, xenophobia, and had a gross misunderstanding of the Broken Window Fallacy.

Shadowy figure number two was Lemon Browning, an attractive pink-haired anime woman who has had almost as much body work done on her as Nicki Minaj. Unlike Nicki Minaj, she was a skilled scientist in the field of robotics and held many degrees in multiple fields of biology, and she could rap.

"So," Lemon said.

Vindel wasn't having it. "Shut up."

"I'm just saying-"

"Shut up."

"I think it'd be best if we-"

"Shut up."

Lemon pouted some. "You know I'm righ-"

"I will pop you." Vindel raised his hand for emphasis.

Rolling her eyes, Lemon relented and let out a sigh. "Isurugi Heavy Industries has already confirmed the safe retrieval of the Vysaga. It is aboard their Space Noah class ship, Shirogane. We still can't find Axel or Helios."

"Well, Helios will turn up eventually. For now we should try to find that god-awful idiot, dispatch Echidna to look for him," Vindel ordered. "In the meantime, I need to speak with 'Rose' about our partnership."

Lemon nodded slowly. "As questionable as her morals are, champ, she's not going to sleep with you because you think you're Gendo Ikari."

Vindel turned and glared at Lemon. "Never mention that man again."

Lemon shook her head dismissively. "Let it go, sport.."

Rather than proceed to slap Lemon around, Vindel turned and marched out of the room, wishing that Lemon was more like a certain other Doctor who had an affinity for hair-coloring, and that he too had a son he could manipulate in a convoluted Batman gambit to become God.

A/N: As you may have guessed by now if you're not too slow, this story is here to make fun of Super Robot Wars while at the same time attempting to be cool. I love satire. I love giant robots. I love you. I love your mom. Nightly. In the butt. Feed me your praises, and stay shiny!