I Didn't Know I'd Love You So Much
Try as they might, Burt's heart isn't getting much better. He has woken up from the coma, but it isn't looking promising. AU obviously. This is just a scene in the hospital between father and son- based off song by the same title. Oneshot.
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All the joy, all the euphoria had been disposed of at the doctor's words. All the insecurities from before now rising before his eyes-
Being alone in that empty house, sleeping next to his mother's vanity, wrapped tightly in one of his father's flannels.
Falling asleep at the shop, working late into the night on both school work and on the cars, not wanting to cause any undue stress to his father when he woke up.
Pasting on a smile every morning before he left the navigator and entered the school. Ignoring the numerous bruises that continued to pile on to his skin, as well as the insinuations of glee club and their scathing looks after their disagreements in religion. Finn's constant glare and proclamations of Kurt being unfair to him for not telling him that Burt was in the hospital.
Lying to his friends and Carol about where he was staying. He didn't want anything to do with them, not having time to placate their need to do something, even if it was uncalled for or useless.
The pitying looks of the hospital staff, nurse Nancy's attempts at comforting him. The guys at the shop constantly giving him these looks of sympathy.
The weight loss that had followed the guidance consoler's announcement that his father had a heart attack.
Week after week of pain building up around him, creating an impenetrable wall of ice, leaving him indifferent to anything unrelated to his father's help and keeping up the illusions of apathy.
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He had thought that everything would have been erased- when his father had grasped his hand- had opened his eyes- had spoken to him. He had embraced his father as the man promised that everything would be alright, that everything would go back to the way it was. But it wasn't- it was never going to be.
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Glasz eyes looked down at the mess of wiring, the machines around the room, his father's pale form, looking far too worn. Delicate hands found his father's own calloused ones, fingers wrapping tightly around them, holding fast to the fading warmth.
Kurt let out a long breath, trying to hold himself together this second time around, knowing that there was not a second chance- all those regrets he felt before when his dad was in coma had been addressed within the last few days while his father was still conscious.
They had talked almost constantly, about Elizabeth and how Burt was ready to see her again, about the future of the shop- he would be entrusted with it, about Carole and the regrets of not being able to know her better and Kurt revealing the true nature of introducing the two of them- Burt just laughed and thanked him, school- there was enough money to cover high school and the first four years of college, the accounts- the lawyers coming in to get signatures, about the house now being left to him, everything was reached. He told his father about his plans of the future, wanting to ensure that they would make him proud- he said that Kurt never needed his approval in the first place. He just wanted his son to be happy.
Burt had asked where he had been staying during all of this- where he would be staying, to which Kurt couldn't respond, causing the man to let out a long breath and tell him to call his Aunt.
Everything was settled, he would be moving in with his aunt Bridget who lived in Westerville after the school year, though the house was still all his for him to return to when he was of age. He would continue schooling up there at a local public school and go on from there. His aunt would stay with him though here until the semester ended at McKinley. The shop would go to Burt's business partner Anthony, until Kurt was done with college if he wanted it.
Everything was dealt with, I-love-you's said, memories shared, truths spoken, embraces shared.
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"Dad be still. There is nothing you need say." The words were almost whispered, the tune almost lost on them. "It ca-can wait." He almost choked on those. He didn't want to admit that his father was going to pass- everything had been signed to him, everything planned out, but he still didn't fully acknowledge it. Not yet.
"Kurt, Elizabeth's calling me." Eyes were drawn to the worn face of his father, whose warm eyes stared back at his, large hands clasping his son's much smaller hands.
"Sometimes I wanted to cry, when the people on TV were not quite the way we were, somehow I guess I just knew." He had admitted to being gay, about the problems at school, he was scared about what would happen now, when his father who had always loved and protected him so fiercely would no longer be there.
"But I didn't know I'd love you so much. I didn't know I'd love you so much." The words were still sung quietly, though loud enough for his father to hear them. "I didn't know I'd love you so much" his voice rose as a small smile broke his face, several tears tracing long painted tracks, "But I do."
Kurt had always been closer to his mother growing up, but when she had been taken away, his father and him became bound to one another. They didn't have much in common but they worked to keep that bond strong. Kurt had taken to working in the shop with him while Burt had invested in his son's interests in musicals- as well as learning to play the piano with his son.
"Sometimes I'd stay up all night, wishing to God that I was the one who died, sometimes there's not enough time." Burt's voice was certainly nothing like his son's, his voice now even more so because of his degeneration, but it still portrayed his emotions blatantly just as his son's did.
When Elizabeth had passed, Burt felt at a complete loss. He didn't know where he stood with his son- he was afraid that without her that their connection would fade away- he often wished he had taken her place. She had been the greatest thing that had ever happened to him besides his son- she would have known what to do. She would never have been lost in this.
"But I didn't know I'd love you so much. I didn't know I'd love you so much." When his wife and him had heard their son ask for a sensible pair of heels he had been worried- scared he wouldn't be able to love his son. He had been that kid in high school who had bullied others- had joined in with tormenting those that were different, including those that were homosexual. He had been so scared, but Elizabeth had known, had been so sure that he would still love him, would still be a great father to him. "I didn't know I'd love you so much" he coughed a couple times, causing his son to tighten his grip on Burt's hands. As soon as the fit passed though he continued, "But I do."
"Didn't know I'd love you so much." Kurt sung, holding their clasped hands to his face, leaning into them, tears still falling, though that small smile stayed as he stared into his father's eyes.
"Didn't know I'd love you so much." Burt's gruff voice continued, squeezing his son's hand.
"Didn't know I'd love you so much, but I do." They sang together, voices melding to form a broken note before Burt dissolved into coughing once more, each drawing his strength away, causing pain in his chest, though nothing equivalent to the fresh set of frightened tears falling from his son's eyes.
"Kurt, go." Burt said with such conviction, not wanting his son to be here for this. He knew his time was almost up. And his son had already seen Elizabeth go, had been at her bedside through it all until the end- he didn't need it to happen again.
"Dad, I will not leave you here, you will live." Kurt's voice was almost pleading. He knew that there was no hope, knew it well. But he was still a child, a child trying desperately to hold fast to his only remaining parent.
"But you have already saved me, dear. Now go and change the world for me." Burt's voice was adamant. His son had kept him alive all this time, without him he knew he would not have survived Lizzie's passing. He had lived for his son, and now his son needed to live for him. He could be something, he could make the changes the world so desperately needed. He knew his son still had so much more time.
Together their voices became one, for the final lines, for the final time. "We will always have each other in our time of need. Daddy (Kurt), you're the world to me…"
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Months later, in the cold air of evening, Kurt stood before two similar graves situated next to one another, fresh flowers in front of each.
"You will always be the world to me."
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This was written all in one go, and is un-betaed so please be kind in your reviews.