A/N: I was reading AR fanfic earlier today, and a few of them dealt with the psychological consequences of Alex's missions. Maybe not in so many words – and it may have been nothing more than noting the eyes that spoke of age beyond his years – but it was there. I've been toying with the idea of a Rebirthing songfic for a while now, and so this was born. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I do! I do own Alex Rider! *looks at a list of the Ten Commandments* Number 9: Do not lie. Darn. Well, then, no. I don't own Alex Rider. *sniff* I also don't own the song "Rebirthing" by Skillet.
I tell you the truth, unless you are born again, you cannot see the Kingdom of God. -John 3:3
Alex walked down the street, feeling the sheath press against his leg. The chilly night air enveloped him, making his breath steam out in vaporous clouds. The way he had been feeling lately, the dark and the cold suited him perfectly. As the thought occurred to him, he snorted. The way he had been feeling lately, he shouldn't be walking around with a knife.
I lie here paralytic, inside this soul
Screaming for you till my throat is numb
I wanna break out I need a way out
I don't believe that it's gotta be this way
The worst is the waiting
In this womb I'm suffocating
He paused by a church. Memories rushed over him – memories of the Church of Forgotten Saints, and what had transpired one thousand feet above it. He closed his eyes and willed the burning at their corners to go away. Almost without thinking, he drew the knife. As he did so, more memories stormed through him – recollections of Jack, and what she had said after he had been shot by Scorpia. Changing his mind, he took a deep breath and did something he never thought he would do - he prayed.
Feel your presence filling up my lungs with oxygen
I take you in
I've died
God, I don't know if you're there, no matter what Jack has said. But if you're listening...stop me. Please. He brought the blade up to his chest. He was alone. Not a mortal soul was around to stop him.
Rebirthing now
I wanna live for love, wanna live for you and me
Breathe for the first time now
I come alive somehow
Alex dropped the knife, numb. He never felt his fingers release the hilt – he only knew the knife was gone when he heard the blade strike the sidewalk. Opening his eyes, he released his pent-up breath. Okay, God, you've got me.
Rebirthing now
I wanna live my life, wanna give you everything
Breathe for the first time now
I come alive somehow
He walked into a church – it seemed appropriate – and knelt at the altar. Remembering what Jack had said, he prayed.
Right now
Right now
Look, God – I've screwed up. Badly. I don't even know why you're listening. But here I am, and here you are. I might as well make the best of this, right?
I lie here lifeless in this cocoon
Shedding my skin 'cause I'm ready to
I wanna break out, I found a way out
I don't believe that it's gotta be this way
The worst is the waiting
In this womb I'm suffocating
Look, God – Jesus – whoever you are. My life is crap. He wondered briefly if one should use that sort of language when speaking to the Creator of the universe, but decided that it didn't particularly matter – so long as he didn't speak too coarsely. He continued, I've got some serious issues. I was literally gonna kill myself back there, for crying out loud! He took a deep, steadying breath. But I'm ready to get over it. I can't do it alone, though. I need help.
Feel your presence filling up my lungs with oxygen
I take you in
I've died
God, help me. Please. I don't know what I can promise, but Jack said that all I have to do is say I'm sorry and invite you in. So – I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the lives I've taken, for the lives I've ruined. Now, please, come in. Under normal circumstances, he would have felt childish doing this – asking Jesus to live in his heart. Heck, he would have felt childish even praying! But the emotion of the moment was too strong.
Rebirthing now
I wanna live for love, wanna live for you and me
Breathe for the first time now
I come alive somehow
I'll admit it – I've been dead. Inside. But I want that to change, God. I want it to change completely. If you really meant what you said when you said whatever it was you said- and here Alex fervently hoped that God was as omniscient as people claimed- then you'll help me to...well, feel alive.
Rebirthing now
I wanna live my life, wanna give you everything
Breathe for the first time now
I come alive somehow
Alex hesitated briefly, then took the plunge. God, I give myself to you. I don't want to become a monk or anything, but I want you to be Lord of my life. Right now, God, I give you everything – the good and the bad.
Tell me when I'm gonna live again
Tell me when I'm gonna breathe you in
Tell me when I'm gonna feel inside
Tell me when I'm gonna feel alive
Alex literally waited with bated breath. He waited for what Jack had described – a peace, a serenity, a knowledge that everything would be okay. Hey, God? You there? he asked, panicking slightly.
Tell me when I'm gonna live again
Tell me when this fear will end
Tell me when I'm gonna feel inside
Tell me when I'll feel alive
He felt stupid. Here he was, on bended knee, supposedly talking to the ultimate Father, and said Father didn't even deign to respond. God? he asked a final time. As he said it, he did feel something, but not exactly what Jack had told him about. He felt warm, comforted, cared for – something he hadn't felt in a very long time. He relaxed and allowed a smile to cross his face.
Rebirthing now
I wanna live for love, wanna live for you and me
Breathe for the first time now
I come alive somehow
Thanks for that, God. You kinda freaked me out for a moment there. He chuckled slightly. But seriously...thanks.
Rebirthing now
I wanna live my life, wanna give you everything
Breathe for the first time now
I come alive somehow
With a few last words of thanks, Alex rose. He felt good, better than he had since before Ian died. Finally, he was secure in the knowledge that someone – or rather, Someone, with a capital S – always had his back.
Right now
I come alive somehow
Right now
I come alive somehow
He jogged home, eager to share his experience with Jack. He smiled. Maybe they could blunder their way through this whole Christianity thing together.
A/N: Well? Whatdja think? Reviewers get a virtual candy bar/cookie/other sweet of their choice!