Disclaimer: I own nothing! But my lovely dark green velvet hat called Gerald…

Hello! Another fic brought to you by the insane and frankly quite disturbing boogle:

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Life on the mining ship red dwarf couldn't be more normal… that is to say; a strange craft had just pulled up along side and asked if its crew could pop over for a while.

"Oh sirs! There's a ship by us and it wants to board!"

Lister was happily munching away on some popcorn he'd taken from the cinema, "Really? Let it then."

Kryten waved his arms about, "But sir, we don't know who it is."

Rimmer leapt from his seat, spilling Lister's popcorn all over the floor in his excitement, "Aliens!" he exclaimed.

Lister bent down and shoved the dirty popcorn back into its container and carried on eating it as if nothing happened. "Oh come on man, it's not gonna be aliens."

Cat eyed the popcorn warily, "You're right bud! I bet it's one of the red dwarf garbage pods controlled by one of your socks!"

"That only happened twice!"

"Just so long as it's not one of those evil creatures from the planet we just passed we'll be fine!" Kryten popped in.

Everyone got a little uneasy, "What?"

Kryten laughed nervously, fiddling with some buttons at the controls a little more than was necessary, "The creatures… from that planet we passed… from the trio of planets? I'm sure I mentioned it! Ohmygoditsgonnakillme, Ohmygoditskillingme and Ohmygoditskilledme?" upon receiving blank looks from everyone, including Holly, Kryten added: "Well, they have big sticky feet used for scaling walls and ceilings sirs – it's very simple - Just so long as it's not them, we'll be fine!"

"Oh let them board for smeg's sake!" Rimmer said, practically jumping up and down.

Lister sighed, leaning back in his cockpit chair a little more, "Why do you care anyway Rimmer? You're hard-light now, you don't need aliens to get you another body."

"Yes but just think of all the possibilities! The amazing things they must have seen! The places they must have travelled to!"

"Rimmer-" Lister started, but he was cut off by the hologram.

"Lister, just because the only wonders you've ever seen have been from the inside of your laundry basket doesn't mean that things aren't out there. Waiting to be unearthed. Just lying in their splendour, waiting. Waiting for Arnold J Rimmer to discover them."

"You don't half talk a load of crap in the morning Rimmer."

Cat was struck by a sudden thought, "Hey! What if there are ladies on board? I've gotta get changed!"

Holly's head materialised on the screen, with its usual deadpan expression. "Alright dudes?"

"Hey Hol, so when are they coming?"

"Whenever they're ready I suppose. I haven't been able to establish a video link for more than five seconds; their ship's more smashed up than the food storage bay when Rimmer turned hard light. There's some service droids on it, couldn't see any life forms though."

Rimmer scowled, "You haven't got a smegging clue have you? They could be anyone!" the thought of gorgeous scantily clad females dancing in a vat of chocolate, that had previously occupied his mind, flew out of the window. They were grudgingly replaced by twenty foot drooling monsters that gobbled you up with a side order of French fries and bank manager's toupees.

Holly grinned "Yeah. According to their ship details they're all robots. But we don't really know." She flicked her locks back, her smile widening, "Exciting isn't it?"

"They – they could be parasitical chainsaw-wielding mutated maniacs who want to come aboard and torture us into watching Linda barker yoga videos and playing prolonged games of scrabble!"

"Yeah."

Rimmer made a funny noise in his throat and sat back down.

"Don't be so gloomy Rimmer. They probably just need supplies. They'll pop in, fly away, and we'll never see them again."

"Oh shut up." Rimmer sat back down, "They'll be evil… evil things… we should all suit up with bazookoids! What if they come up and kill us?"

"Bur Rimmer man, their ship's just a normal robot ship, they're not GELFs or evil fish or crazy scientists gone wrong. Just normal service robots."

"They could have stolen it!"

"Rimmer, you just want a chance to use the bazookoids."

"What? I do not!"

"Yes you do. Now that your hard-light you wanna look cool. This is just like the time you wanted to use the bazookoids to get the mouldy mayonnaise out the fridge!"

Rimmer blushed. "That's not true Listy."

"Whatever man." Lister grinned, shoving the last handful of dirty popcorn into his mouth.

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Rimmer hefted the bazookoid up, and couldn't help smiling at himself in the mirror. He was wearing a black suit with the four long-service medals pinned on the front. He thought the bazookoid looked a little out of place, so he got Holly to give him some cool sunglasses. Arnold popped the shades on with a grin. "Look out evil robots! Arnie's looking sexier than sex on motorised wheels with shiny hubcaps!"

He contented himself with a super-special-salute in the mirror and some pelvic thrusts as he walked out the door.

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"Look out ladies!" said Cat, spinning off down the corridor, his dazzling sequined suit catching the light and sending a million reflected circles onto the walls. "Yeah! Aaoooww! Look out ladies! Cat's on the prowl! And he's feeling very sexy!" Cat popped out a hand mirror from his jacket, "And he's looking it too! Yeah!"

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Lister was currently wearing a grungy t-shirt with approximately 23 curry stains on, loose fitting trousers, and two odd socks which, to his great surprise, hadn't crawled off yet, "Holly? Where are me boots?"

"I don't know Dave."

"But they were just here!"

"What," Holly shifted with a nervous smile, "the boots you always wear? The leather ones with the belts on the side?"

"Yes Holly, those boots!"

"Hmmm… Nope no idea."

"Hol." He looked at the computer with an annoyed sigh, "I know you know so just tell me."

Holly raised an eyebrow, "How do you know that I know?"

"Because I do! Just tell me."

"Oh alright then… Rimmer flushed them out into space. He said 'they're disgusting! Dear god! They smell worse than a dead sheep in the folds of Lister's laundry basket that's been left for a year and a half and has practically melted into putrid slop! I'll have to get rid of them! Don't tell Lister Holly or I'll grab that fire axe and strategically embed it in your data banks. By the Tom Jones section!'" The computer frowned, "whoops."

"Trust Rimmer!" Lister plonked himself onto the bottom bunk with a scowl, "Well that's just great; I'll have to wear me orange moon boots now."

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More coming very soon. Sorry it was boring; it's only the beginning so hopefully it'll get better as we go through. And people will get hurt. Mostly Lister. And Rimmer I suppose. Yay :)

Reviews are welcome. In fact, if you don't review I might just have to get my trusty baseball bat out. Ahem…