Confessions of a Dark Rose

Prologue

Evil is not just a word. It's more like an act, a state of mind, a certain behaviour that does not fit the rules. No one can really describe evil, what it is, when one is evil or when one is not. It happends to be that evil is different to everyone of us. Some might think killing an animal is evil while others don't see the evil in killing even humans, if only it is for the greater cause. We cannot point out nor can we define the true meaning of evil. It's relative. We cannot claim all murderers are evil, for we do not know why they murdered someone in the first place, but on the other hand we cannot say all murderers are innocent, because as soon as one's hands are drenched in blood, the innocence has dissapeared forever.

Not many people stop and wonder what evil actually is, and if they do, then they just think about it for five minutes and forget about it the next, focusing on other, more important things. But when you have no useful things left to spend your time with, when every hour looks exactly like the one before and you stop counting the days until you get released from your prison because finally you're starting to realise that you will never be released and you will never see the light of freedom again, then you start wondering about your life. About all the things you did right and all the things you did wrong. In my case, I wronged more than I did things right. And then, when all insanity has passed my mind, I started to wonder weither or not I was evil.

I came to the conclusion that I cannot answer that question myself, for I have no definition of evil, nor would I ever have the right to definate a word of such power as that word.

I suppose that many would call me evil, seeing as I murdered without having any direct reason to, tortured people beyond beliefs and devoted more than half of my life to the one they called the Dark Lord. But even though, there might be some people out there, who actually knew me, who would say I was not completely evil, even though I was obviously far from good. She wasn't evil. It was life that made her evil, they would say, knowing all the cruelty there had been done to me before. They would look at me with compassion in their eyes and say it was the constant pain that made me feel this way, that drove me to the edge of insanity.

But I would deny that. I would say that if I were strong enough, I would have lived through those moments of unbearable pain. I would have blamed myself and my own weakness, rather than to blame others. I would not make anyone responsibile for my acts except myself.

Oh, I was always so full of responsibility, blamed myself for whatever went wrong to others even if I could do nothing about it. I was different from the start and doomed to stay that way forever.

Looking back at it now, I cannot really say for sure where it went wrong. At what point of my life I lost sense of reality, of what seemed to be a pretty normal life and turned to the Darkness.

I know I have never been insane during my life, but it felt that way. As if pure extasy and happiness took over my days and nights as the Darkness fed me and made me grow, strengthened me through all these years.

Some people wonder, in the silence of their houses, how I managed to survive the famous prison of Azkaban for this long. My answer is very simple.

I survived because I had to. No, not because I felt the need to survive, but because there was one last thing I had to do before I could rest in peace and die. One last revenge I had to take, a revenge that had been waiting for so many years that it was tearing out my braincells and killing me from the inside.

To those who actually wonder, yes I am evil. No matter what people say to defend me, I am guilty to murder in first degree, I am guilty to torturing people who I did not even know and most of all, I am guilty to falling in love with the man from who I knew he loved no one but himself.

I do not want your compassion nor do I need your forgiveness. I only want for you to understand why I became the person I am now. Why evil surrounded me and closed me in, leaving nothing more than an emptyness in my heart. I know many of you might not want to understand why. Why a person could be so cruel and heartless, why one could be on the edge of insanity for so long without ever falling into the grave of insanity, and got burried by thoughts and images too insane to speak about.

Yet, I do want to tell you the story of the woman who could respected so deeply by many yet was hated by most. The story of the woman who fought for an existence in a world where she was not meant to exist.

My story.

Don't expect it to be a story full of romance and love and a happy-ending, because if you expect that, your expectations will not be granted at all. Life is not a happy story, no matter what some of you might think. Life is sad for many, hard for most and unbereable for some. Once too, I had young and innocent expectations of what life should be for me. I wanted to be rich and married to a wealthy and charming Pureblood husband who would love me forever and we would have heirs all we needed and people would praise me and admire me just because of my beauty and wealthyness. But as I already said, life is not a fairytale.

Right in front of my eyes, my life got ripped into pieces when I fell in love for the very first time. A forbidden love it was, forbidden in the eyes of those who did not know about it, but for me it was the purest of all loves I had ever felt. It was only one other time that I felt in love, and again it seemed forbidden, unreal, not the way it should be.

From all the other men who happened to step into my life and out, I have never loved any, not even him I was supposed to marry. Love always came to me at times when I did not expect it, when the time or the circumstances were not ready for it. It was love that broke me and torned me apart and it was time that healed the wounds, but not carefully enough, for they get torn open again everytime I think of what I have lost.

Maybe I was meant to be disloyal, as my elder sister, Andromeda. Or perhaps I should have just rest in my faith, as my other sister, Narcissa did. Or maybe it was all just mean to be this way.

You see, when some people do things, bad things, those things get whiped out soon after their death. But when other people, people like me, make mistakes, those mistakes leave a scar in the coat of the world, a scar that will never dissapeared, no matter how many genorations after me try to repair the damage that is done. I never realised that, until now, otherwise I might have not done what I did, but I must face the facts and realise I cannot undo my mistakes, nor can I justify them in any way, because, no matter what harm there is done to me, nothing was worse enough to make the mistakes I did, let alone to life the way I so ruthlessly lived.

Maybe my last wish, my dying wish here, is the wish of a foolish woman, insane perhaps, foolish enough to think that one, or maybe two people, out there would care to understand the burdon I have carried upon me through-out my whole life. But nevertheless, I will write down my story, word for word, for the world to understand that evil is not always evil. That things don't always go the way they were meant to go or the way I meant them to go. For the world to know the real story behind the female Death Eater, the real story behind the woman they fear so much. For people to understand that not everyone who ends up being evil was born that way. To finally illustrate what evil truelly means, to show everyone that even behind the evilest creature there can be love, no matter how well it is hidden or disguised. I will write down my story, simply because I decided to do it, not because any told me to, but simply because I made my own decision.

I cannot remember the last time I made my own decisions, but it feels good to have some kind of freedom again, at the very last. Ironic how even the walls of Azkaban give me more freedom than the world outside.

I guess I was just different, destined for a greater, or in other words, worser faith than most of the people out there. Even though, I too, started out with ideals, a way I wanted the world to be. And I blindly followed those ideals who led me to a worser destiny than I could ever imagine. Do not think I did not every try to do good, for it was that desire to do the right thing that got me to do the wrong things in the first place. Do not believe I was born evil, for no one is. It's life that makes people evil. Life that gives and takes as it pleases. Life that makes love so bold and destiny so cruel. It is life that kills and destroy, not people, not evil. Even though they will always go together, life evil and people, it is life that rules above all, to eventually destroy what people have created so anxiously and what evil helped to raise. When you are looking for a definition of evil, than look no further. It is life. Life is evil, no matter what.

Bellatrix Black Lestrange