Everyone has a word they use a lot. This is a history of John's use of one particular word. With small spoilers for "A Study in Pink" and "The Reichenbach Fall". No copyright infringement intended or implied. - Dix.

The History of a Word

"Don't" He doesn't know how many times he's said it. In a life time of disappointments, tragedies and pain, he guesses a lot. He doesn't remember every time, but he remembers the first time.

He remembers standing at the bedside of a woman wraith-like in her disease, barely conscious, barely breathing. The room is palpable with the foreshadowing of her death and his pain and loss. He remembers taking her hand, her fingers gnarly and ice cold, his are small and smooth. All he managed to say to her that day was "don't". It wasn't much. It wasn't "I love you" or "I'll miss you"; "I'm afraid" or even "Don't die", but it was enough between a son and his mother.

That day changed every day after it for John Watson. That day he promised himself no one else's mother would die because he didn't act. It was cancer that killed her. It ate away at her bones and took her from him too quickly and too soon. He blamed himself. He should have saved her. He was eleven years old.

That day changed every day after it for Harriet Watson too. Now instead of her mother's daughter, all sunny smiles and enthusiasms, she strove to be less the weakness of her mother and more the strength of her father. After that day she became a bully and a coward.

And that day changed their father as well. Hamish Watson, no longer had any reason to rein in his brash arrogance or his bitterness. Fueled by an hour in the pub after work, the children took the full brutal force of his ire. They were no longer shielded from him by their mother. Drunk and unhappy he came at them with his fists. Harriet couldn't protect her little brother, so she became what she hated. John couldn't protect his sister so he pretended to be what he was not.

John remembers the second time. The second time he shouted it and it filled him with power. "Don't" He swung the cricket bat hard and connected forcefully with the back of his father's head. His father went down without a sound. Dropping like a slaughtered ox; first to his knees and then prone on the tiled kitchen floor. Eyes wide with shock, he lay there breathing and bleeding until the ambulance came and hauled him away.

John had a cut above the eye that took five stitches to close. Harriet carried bruises on her face and neck for weeks. They went to live with their aunt. Hamish Watson never admitted the circumstances by which he lost in quick succession, his children, his job and his house. In the middle of his second year at university, John got word that his father had died. Compassionate leave was offered and declined. Instead he celebrated by getting very drunk.

Harriet tried to stay in touch with him, but, she could never stop saying thank you and he could never stop feeling guilty. He wishes he'd said "don't" sooner.

Don't has become John's watch word. He uses it on his commanding officer. But he is expelled anyway. He uses it on Mycroft. But Mycroft touches him anyway. He uses it on Sherlock. But Sherlock jumps anyway. He says it to his memories. But they come anyway.

Sitting in the darkness of their flat on Baker Street, John remembers the last time he said don't - no don't. He can see Sherlock high about the pavement and he can hear his voice "Good-bye, John". He can hear his own reply useless against Sherlock's intention to die. He blames himself. He thinks he deserves the pain he feels. He thinks of all the things he should have done and all the things he shouldn't have done.

When he visits Sherlock's grave, he uses the word one more time. Sherlock is not the first person he loved. He is not the first person John loved who has died. He thinks about his mother. But he can't help himself. "Don't", he says again. "Don't be dead." It is ridiculous but he says it because it is all he wants. He knows he is acting a fool. All the begging in the world will not change the fact of Sherlock's death. There is not enough magic or miracles in him for "don't be dead" to have any power.

He swears that day he will excise the word from his vocabulary. It has not served him well.

However, the word returns with a flourish on first sight of the resurrected Sherlock Holmes. "Don't" John says and thinks: don't be a vision, don't be an apparition, don't go away.

Then it's Sherlock's turn to use the word. "Don't be angry."

"I am bloody angry." John's fists clenched.

"Don't you know? I had to protect my friends."

"You don't have any friends."

Pain echoes across Sherlock's' face. "I had a friend," he says. "A good friend. I lied to save him. I am sorry."

John turns stiffly and leaves the room, thundering down the stairs and out into the street. To the back of John's retreating form, Sherlock tries one more time "Don't go."

John returns hours later. He is full of anguish. He wonders if Sherlock will be where he left him. He is comforted as he approaches Baker Street to see that the lights are on. He stands in the doorway. Sherlock is in his usual chair a book open on his lap as though the intervening time was nothing. He stands and tosses the book down when John steps into the room.

"Don't," John says and pauses.

"Go away again." Sherlock answers, reading their thoughts and finishing his sentence. John closes the distance and they clasp hands and for a moment embrace. When they step apart, Sherlock waves John into a chair. They sit together for a long while before either of them speaks. "You've been in Europe." John says finally.

"Don't guess." Sherlock says.

"Don't have to." John says. I am the friend of a consulting detective.

Fin

Would love to hear what you think of this. Thanks for reading – Dix.