Askerian wrote a brilliant "Teamwork" fanfic. Then Chibirisuchan wrote a fanfic of her fanfic. And then I wrote a fanfic of her fanfic of a fanfic.
Yes, we are all mad. But it's fun.
A Fanfic of a Fanfic of a Fanfic
Sakura and Sasuke had both officially Given Up on the Kyuubi. Every single time it was let out to 'play', it would destroy a large portion of the furniture, rugs, and whatever laundry they were foolish enough to leave out and build what looked like either a nest, or a demon fox's version of a cubby house. And if, once Naruto returned, they cleaned it up the infernal immortal would only start all over again with the new furniture the next time.
Eventually, Sasuke gave up buying new furniture, and Sakura got used to the idea of standing around a lot or sitting on hard chairs. Or making Naruto be her seat. Sasuke, she privately held, was a very uncomfortable seat, all stiff and pointy and refusing to move an inch in case he jolted her, and besides, whenever she sat in his lap she very soon forgot all about sitting still.
So when Sasuke was out, busy killing a few nameless strangers, and the Kyuubi was running around buck naked, Sakura was forced to lie down on her bed naked in order to get comfortable. In her third trimester, it was becoming increasingly difficult to get comfortable, and her swollen ankles, breasts, hands, feet, toes, everything meant that life was pretty damned miserable. Still, there was only three weeks left until she was meant to give birth to her chakra-draining child, and the anticipation almost made up for her limp hair, and sore breasts.
The same breasts that the Kyuubi was now sitting at the bottom of her bed watching. Slowly, smoothly, intending to cover herself without alerting the demon, Sakura reached for a sheet.
"You don't have enough." The Kyuubi said flatly, effectively freezing her.
"What?" She blurted out, sitting up to stare at the immortal fox, then biting her lip as she tried not to swear at the discomfort of movement. Perhaps it was time for her to give up, and go to the hospital.
Inner Sakura flared up at the idea of having to put up with lying down for three weeks straight, no doubt with everyone and their dog coming in and fussing. And it would probably keep Sasuke away, who hated hospitals, and Naruto would most likely try and turn into Naruko as a way to 'cheer her up' like he did last time she went in for a check-up and Lee (who had decided that he was a chaste knight protecting a delicate flower ravaged by demons or something like that – Tenten really had to stop giving him all those foreign books) would end up barging in then fainting again and in the end she would only finish more worn than she had been to begin with.
"You only have two. You'll need more than that to feed the kits, mama-bitch." The animal slunk closer towards her, paying the usual amount of attention to personal space – that is, none at all. Sakura didn't know whether to wet herself or laugh (or do both, which seemed to be happening a lot lately) when it butted the crown of its head against her right breast. "You need to grow some more, now you're breeding."
Sakura took a deep breath, flushing when her breast pressed harder against the Kyuubi's face. This was going to be interesting.
"We don't grow any more." She told him, biting her lip as the Kyuubi absentmindedly gnawed on her arm. "Humans tend to only ever have one child, to even have two is rare."
"And yet there are thousands of you squalling runts all over the place." The Kyuubi huffed, obviously annoyed at this apparent inconsistency.
"We're survivors." Sakura said without thinking, and made the mistake of looking into the Kyuubi's eyes. The malicious amusement in them told her that it was aware of the irony. Her: fat, fragile and pregnant, talking about the survival abilities of the human race to an immortal, amoral and frighteningly powerful demon. A demon trapped inside the body of her team-mate, maybe, but a demon nevertheless.
It was always slightly disturbing to look directly at Naruto when the Kyuubi was in the forefront. The red eyes that seemed too similar to Sasuke's for comfort and caused eddies of unshaped fantasies, the twitching, clawed hands that were never quite still, and the too-large grin that simultaneously threatened and mocked. Sometimes it was hard to remember that Naruto was still in there; that a part of this beast was her friend-cum-lover, or rather that a part of her friend was this beast.
Sometimes she got insane thrills from skating around the edge of his wrath. The death wish that all shinobi carry as par of the course would send shivers down her spine when he fixed his eye upon her. But the Kyuubi did not play nice, and Sakura was feeling too delicate to engage in the clash of wills that conversing with him required.
In fact, she was just about to close her eyes and pretend to be asleep so he would go away, when a sudden tearing pain lanced across her stomach. Any plans of lying down were abandoned as she gripped her swollen belly, her training already kicking in to deal with the pain. 'Minimalise movement!' It screamed at her, 'Begin healing! Chakra insufficient! Call for backup!' It began running around in circles, screaming orders at her that she could not follow.
"Shit." She swore, and then her waters broke.
The Kyuubi wrinkled its nose slightly at the smell, then grinned at her. "It's birthing time, mama-bitch."
Sakura wanted to tell the demon to shut the fuck up, and probably would have if it had been Naruto. She wished it was Naruto: whilst he would have been useless, he would have stood by her and let her break his hand, and wouldn't have been uncomfortable by her obvious weakness, nor she uncomfortable in appearing weak to him. Sasuke, on the other hand, would have been ruthlessly efficient, and hideously stilted. As much as he wanted to have kids, he would not know how to deal with the extremely emotional birthing Sakura.
But she would have preferred either of these options to the one she had now. She was going to give birth to her first child inside a house, with only a fox demon for company.
"Come on." The Kyuubi said, slouching towards the door.
"I don't think I can – urgh! – make it to the hospital." Sakura ground out. The Kyuubi's amusement grew more pronounced.
"Who said anything about hospitals? Disgusting, nasty smelling things. I don't know why you pests put yourselves in those graveyards." Whilst speaking, the Kyuubi stalked back to Sakura, and took hold of her arm. "You're going to give birth, not die." Easily, as if she was not 9 months pregnant, it lifted her up, securing her by biting into the back of her neck.
"Wait, what the?" Sakura spluttered, before clenching her teeth as another contraction shot through her. It was only when the Kyuubi took her into the living room that she understood. "Oh, no." She groaned, before she was dumped without ceremony into the guts of her ravaged furniture.
"Now you can give birth." The Kyuubi said with satisfaction, its tongue flickering out and licking its lips. Sakura made a mental note to ask Tsunade if Kyuubis ate babies. Maybe that's why they had litters – to have a few to snack on? Then all coherent thought fled as the birth demanded notice.
Sakura, being a medical ninja, knew all about the process of birthing. She had read the horror stories, as well as heard of all that could go wrong. She had seen diagrams illustrating every single step, and what a medic could do to help. She had been told by Tsunade that they had no idea what a demon tainted child would be like, and to expect the worst. As the Kyuubi casually prowled around the nest, eyeing her as she swore, Sakura briefly wondered if she was going to die. Then the mental image of Naruto and Sasuke trying to raise a child by themselves rose and she knew that no matter what, she could not foist that upon the poor infant.
All things considered, it was a relatively easy birth. It wasn't pretty, and Sakura found a moment to be grateful to the Kyuubi for making a soft nest for her to mess up, whilst on the other hand she wanted to crush its head with her bare hands for just circling her and not helping dammit!
But the Kyuubi was right next to her when the baby finally crowned, and when Sakura finally, with a sigh of pure exhaustion, cut the umbilical cord, the Kyuubi was sitting crouched at the edge of the nest, its red eyes looking pleased.
The nest would have to be disposed of, and the room probably aired. And Sakura now knew that if she ever, ever saw the Kyuubi start to make another nest, she was going to demand Naruto sleep on the couch. And wear protection whilst he slept too, just in case.
Pulling up a bit of the nest (it appeared to have once been one of her favourite bed sheets) she wrapped the newborn child in it, and cuddled it close to her. At last, with the child next to her, she fell asleep. Unaware, or too tired to care, she curled up against the Kyuubi's leg, drawn to the warmth.
The Kyuubi cocked its head at the two sleeping, naked beings before it. With infinite care, it nudged the newly appeared bundle of flesh with its foot, only to have it start sucking on one of the Kyuubi's toes. For a moment it pondered retreating, and leaving the human it resided with to deal with the newly acquired kin. But the kunochi was sleeping, and the Sound still lurked, waiting. Of course, if the furless runts had had the common sense to have more than one, there wouldn't be a problem. But they, for whatever reason, hadn't yet thought of litters. Probably because they could only grow two nipples, the useless mortals. Plus, the agreement stated it could stay out for the rest of the day. It wasn't about to give up its free time for a scrawny looking runt.
Better that it remained, rather than take a risk with the new sole kit. So, its head tilted to catch the breeze that ruffled its hair, the Kyuubi sat, and stayed.