Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Bleach characters. {You just have to remind me TT^TT}
Have you ever noticed when you most want to be somewhere, there's always some reason you miss the only chance you get? Or maybe when you most want to be on your own, someone follows you?
Well I have. The one day someone finally notices me, I was sitting there crying my eyes out. I wanted to be alone. Especially after I looked up to see who it was.
"You look horrible." He commented, smirking. That stupid smirk on his stupid face. Tears still leaked out, except mixing with frustration.
I hated having to deal with inner feelings like mental turmoil. It drove me insane. And it doesn't help that I never have anyone to talk to about it, to let it loose.
"What do you care, you.. You baffoon?" I pulled my legs to my chest where I sat on top of the village roofs. Seiretai. Soul Society, in other words. I hated this place, because it hated me. What was I to do when I've been thrown out of every home, into the streets. Which was where I met the man taking a seat next to me. I have known him since we were both little.
(Flashback)
~"Hey Renji! Watch out!" A boy shouted to the red head but it was too late, for both of us. I was running from a stall where I had just taken a large bread roll, and he was running straight at me with the same ordeal on the other side. We crashed into each other, and I fell back on my arm awkwardly. I was too fragile to think it would not break, plus I heard the crack.
"You idiot!!" I screamed at him so I could focus pain somehow otherwise. He looked at me wide-eyed, then they narrowed.
"Hey don't blame me! You should have watched where you were going!" He jumped to his feet in the middle of the street, not caring that the stall owners were angrily gaining on the both of us. They stopped when they saw I stood too. Was I ready for a fight, being weak as hell like this? I was just too tired of running from things.
"Yeah, well I'm not the only one that needs to take that advice!" My arm fell to my side pathetically. Definitely broken.
"Shut up Scrawny!" He spat out, a little flustered.
"Right back at ya, Little Red!" Tears welled up in my eyes regardless of my words. I was a scrawny wimp. What was my point of being here if I was of no use?
"Little Red?!" He bellowed. Now there were other kids, obviously with him, that looked a little shocked. As he yelled, and the more people that grouped together to watch the two of us fight like the street kids we were, I felt more alone than ever. As he glared at me, I held up my broken arm despite the searing pain that shot through it, and pushed him so I could run away. Just like I knew I would.
He watched me in confusion, but laughed as I stumbled through the street. Everyone mimicked his gesture.
Was it really my fault that I was this way? Naturally weak, emotional, and a pain? I guess it was.
I fixed that soon enough.~
"Hellooo?" A large hand waved in front of my face and I swiped it away in annoyance.
"Stop that."
"Well you were just spacing out like the idiot you are." I snapped my head at him, giving him a glare. He laughed at how silly I looked with the tears in my eyes. I moved my eyes to the palms of my hands. I wish he would just leave me alone so I can feel like I'm invisible again rather than stupid, like he always makes me feel.
"God, stop doing that! Say something dammit, before I get pissed at your creepy mood!" He stood to his feet to yell down at me. I looked up with a raised eyebrow. What the hell was he talking about?
"Oh, now you think the way I act is creepy? Will you make up your freaking mind?" I mumbled. This was the first emotion he's seen in me in a long time, but like he cares right?
"You're ridiculous." He shook his head in anger.
"Then go away! Look, I know you don't care, so just go away!" I screamed at him all of a sudden, making him jump. The tears were back again. Why couldn't I just stop crying already?
I wanted to talk to someone, and it was scaring me that he was the one I wanted to talk to. I guess that was because I knew no one else.
"W-what?" He stumbled down in front of me, like he fully saw me for the first time. He stared into my brown eyes intensely. I knew he was only a foot in front of me, but that was the closest he had ever gotten to me. It was frightening really.
His gaze gave me a feeling that he was reading every thought that went through my head. After a minute, he just laughed awkwardly.
"Mai, you really are an idiot. Tell me what's got you all wound up." He took a seat next to me. I scooted away a tiny bit, and he noticed. He raised his brow, chuckling. My legs were up against my chest again, my chin propped on top of them.
The town was busy this time of the day, evening turning to night, the sun setting on the bleak horizon. I gazed out at it, picking out the colors one by one.
Blue. Purple. Orange. Yellow. Red...
"Mai?" A hand touched my shoulder and I jumped. Stupid emotions again. After years, I forgot how to control them. It was not my fault this time.
"Renji, stop pretending." The grip tightened and I heard him growl. A shiver ran down my spine. Honestly, I didn't want any more tempers taken out on me, so I stayed quiet.
"Ok, you want me to tell you the truth? I really do care! I watch you every freaking day and see the pain under your stupid mask! At first I was just curious, but after years of seeing you, I started to get worried! And today when I saw you crying, I knew something had to be bad for you to finally show emotion after... after what I did." I stopped breathing. For the first time in my life, someone really did tell me something. He actually saw me? That made no sense. Not in my head.
"Renji..? I...I'm sorry." My head drooped so I could hide in a cubby between my torso and legs, my arms a protection on the side. I was surprised he could hear my apologetic whisper.
"You always are, even when you don't need to be. I should be the sorry one for making your life a living hell."
"Unlike the others you were at least there so I wasn't invisible....I.." I was so closed to telling him who I was, why I was here. But then I knew he would be gone in an instant. It would just scare him.
"Just say it dammit!" He snapped. I jumped and he sighed. "Sorry."
"I can't! I just-I... you.. No one will understand!" I had looked up and, on my knees, I confronted him. When I just about collapsed, he caught me and held me at arms length so I had no escape, no matter how much I pulled and tugged. I gave up, and again my head dropped. The waterfall of memorized tears left circles on the roof.
Memories.
When I roamed streets, I saw the amount of people that even after death found a happy home to live. Why was I always so alone?
I could not remember what happened to me, how I died, but there had been something about it that reaked of loneliness as well. It was as though it was destined for me, or some similar fate.
For example, when I met Renji, and spoke for the first time, something about him was different. Thinking about him had made me ashamed of myself. Because the only memories I had were of me yelling at him. That was why I refused to dwell on my only thoughts.
But when I saw him one day, as we had both grown, I saw the girl he was with for the first time. The same girl he had risked everything to save. It ached. That ache brought about the thought of my life before.
It was then I remembered.
I had watched my parents split, and watch them on the day, years later they risked everything to save each other from the car accident, totally forgetting their child in the process. They had crawled out of the car through the shattered window, leaving me crying, now alone and afraid, in the back seat.
I also remembered that before, their life revolved around their bickering, and I was only a result from one of their making-ups. Being a nine year old who knew her parents never cared was harsh, but the final act was the fact that the nine year old was trapped inside of an exploding car.
Like I said, no one has ever cared. Not in either of my lives. Renji could not say that he did, and expect me to believe it.
Well, I was afraid to.
I was back to the present time, in my little ball again, because he had let me go. At least I had been in that position, until I was being pulled into a tight embrace. Instantaneously, I felt something inside of me swell and I melted in his arms.
This felt nice...
Wait, what was going on?
"I'm sorry, Mai. I never knew. I'm so sorry." I was moved closer by not only Renji, but myself in a daze. I told my story aloud didn't I?
"You don't have to pity me, Renji. This is my life, I should be used to it." I was not going to let myself fall for the one thing that could go away. I would not put myself through more pain.
"I don't pity you. I just never knew that someone could have that happen to them. And that I gave you the wrong idea, and pushed you to believe you were alone."
"But I am."
"No, you're not." He pulled away from me suddenly. I looked to him, not noticing the blush on his cheeks. I only felt my heart race when I saw how close I was to him, just now registering everything.
I couldn't do this!
He stood up, dusting himself off. Then he reached down to help my dazed self up. His hand in mine.
I knew something now.
I needed to do something, even if he didn't care. Once I did, I would leave him be and I would feel like my life was not completely empty.
I leaned up towards him on my tiptoes. I was scared- no, I was petrified. How to do this?
He looked at me in confusion and shock, automatically his hands went under my elbows.
"Please?" I mouthed, hoping this would just be easier.
"Please...what.." He slackened and had leaned down. I had to lean on his hands but I made it. I barely touched my lips to his then pulled away for half a second. By itself, my body forced me to stretch and press my lips against his a little more, again. He reacted this time, pushing his own lips towards mine as well. My stomach fluttered as his hands came to cup my cheeks, holding me so I could not back away.
I still broke away in fear but it took less time for my body to do the same as before, and his too. He pulled me back to him and kissed me gently. His fingers brushed over my cheek bones and both hands moved to the back of my head, wrapping through my brown hair.
When we broke away next, I collapsed into his chest.
Why was it someone was here, now? Through all this, he had been here and I didn't even know?
"I told you... I'm here." He lifted me up in his arms. I didn't resist, I only snuggled up into his chest, wiping my tears on his shirt. I was exhausted, but refused to go to sleep.
"What if I wake up, and this never happened?" I mumbled, already half unconscious. I felt my hair being swept away from my forehead and lips press lightly instead.
"How about I be there to be the first thing you see when you open your eyes?" That sounded nice.
And as I woke up the next morning, tucked securely in my bed, the first thing I saw was his eyes gazing into mine.
"Morning Scrawny." He grinned, kissing my lips lightly. When he moved away, I smiled over.
"Morning Little Red."