Not giving up

By Melskim

PART I

I was watching her. I was always watching her.

I did not offer my help directly, but I had been with her hours ago, she knew I could help. All she needed to do was say the word. I know she knew.

She push me away again of course. I sincerely don't know anymore if she did it out of habit, or because she truly thought I was a pest more than I could be of help.

But the moment I saw her taking her sword… - dread overtook my body – I rushed to her side, not thinking about anything else. I took the cursed blade out of her hands, tossing it carelessly onto the sand.

"No, Xena… don't" I said taking her into my arms.

"Ares, you can't stop me this time", she said between angry tears. She didn't seem surprised to have me there. She took a hold of my arm, almost as if hugging me and then I saw the vial in her hand.

I saw her drink it completely paralyzed. It was poison. She truly wanted to finish it all. I could not believe my eyes, she was giving up. I heard her saying something, but the words never registered. She turned stiff in my arms in an instant... I felt her drew her final breath and then nothing. I caressed her face with the back of my hand. I felt nothing inside. I felt too much at the same time.

The rest was a blur. I think I tried to fried Athena and the other cowards, they were already dematerializing.

I do not know how many hours passed since I put her in her icy bed. I stayed there looking at her frozen lips unable to move. My eyes stung with something I didn't dare to contemplate. It was salty when it touched my lips.

When it started getting dark I created with my powers small lanterns - never extinguishing lights - to bring some clarity to her darkness. I watched the lights play in her face and it hurt and I was angry because I would never see her eyes alight again.

Mortals die, she told me once.

Damn her to Tartarus! I said between clenched teeth – how dare she! – She wasn't supposed to go - she was mine. My mind was going round and round on the memory of her body falling flat against mine. I don't know how I was able to suppress the pen-up anger I felt towards her in those moments.

Never in my eternal life have I felt this inscrutable pain in my chest, it wasn't going away… like a dagger that's nested there with no way to take it out.

I'd been hearing Athena calling me for the last few days, but I can't make my feet move, I think I've fallen asleep at some point while sitting on the ground next to Xena's coffin. I ignored her still, that selfish uptight bitch could wait.

I closed my eyes again, trying to make the nuance of pain go way and open them again when suddenly bright light disturbed my grief.

"Ares" I heard Aphrodite called me in a small voice, her eyes darting from my prone position to the coffins between me.

"Get out Aphrodite" I said when lifting my eyes to meet hers, she had pity directed at me on those damn blue pools.

"Ares", she said again tenderly, daring to touch my arm, her eyes filled with tears.

I shuddered her off to stand tall in front of her like lighting. I brought my hands to crash her shoulders. I wanted her to feel the pain I was feeling. "I said, get out!" I roared to her face.

I heard her whimpered and mumbled platitudes, like saying 'Sorry' would make it all better and Xena would suddenly wake up. I pushed her with all my might to the ground. Wanting her to hurt.

Standing up, she looked at me with that same damn pity. "They were my friends, too", she said then to me. Like that made it alright for her to bargain in into my princess sanctuary. She left.

I went back to pay vigil, this time standing next to her unmoving body. I start covering her with an icy lid, like I did days ago with that annoying blonde friend of hers.

From somewhere deep within me, I told her everything that I had not had the courage to tell her when she was alive.

"You're with her now. I handled you- all wrong. I know that. She knew what you needed- unconditional- and unselfish love- and I couldn't give that to you. But I appreciated you in ways she never could- your rage- your violence- your beauty. When you sacrificed yourself for others, you were hers- but when you kicked ass- you were mine. I love you, Xena."

I kissed her frozen lips for the last time, covered her and walked out of the cave vowing to myself that if there was anything I could do to bring her back, even if that meant that she would never be with me, I would do it.

If given the opportunity I would not let it passed like I did that time she died at roman's hands. If she ever were to come back. I would set things right.

Before leaving the mountain, I sealed the cave, making it impossible for any god to trespass into her resting place. I didn't want Aphrodite or any of them disturbing her.

XXX

When I got down to the beach it was already too late.

The last I saw of my friends, was Xena's dead body in Ares' arms.

I saw his face too.

His face was the one thing that made me realized that yes, indeed - they were gone.

Dead. Not coming back.

I stayed there unmoving. Could not make my feet move, I was nailed there looking into the flames - the cart still had small flames - the fire it had caught. Nailed to the last place where Gabrielle had breathed.

I don't know for how long I stayed there but at some point I heard horses coming my way. That made me snapped out of it. My grief could wait. I needed to move. Needed to get out of there, there was no point in staying. Gabrielle and Xena and little Eve, they were all gone.

I was on my way to get into the woods again, when a voice stopped me.

I don't think, I had had the strength to fight. Not that I was a real fighter like Xena, but I know I wouldn't have had the strength to it. I was too shock to do anything.

I stopped death in my tracks. The horse next to me was Roman, the rider at least was.

"You are Joxer, right?" A gentle voice asked me.

"Yes", I said warily. "Who's asking?" I replied in kind.

"Octavius, general of the empire". I flinched at this pompous title. See I had been there when the Romans crucified my friends. He saw me flinch and lift his hand in peace. "I'm Xena and Gabrielle's friend". He said rapidly.

Sorrow enter my soul at having someone uttering their names. I told him then. "They are dead. Athena killed them a few hours ago" I said angrily looking back at his small army, like that would had made a difference against the gods. "You're late".

He regard me in a strange way, understanding sinking in his eyes. He shook his head, "They are not dead… it was the tears what you saw Xena drink, Celesta's tears". He looked at me again my heart clinging to the hope that his words where true, "Where are their bodies? He asked.

"He took them, Ares took them", I replied in a whisper.

"No", I heard him gasped. And then I heard it, a faint sound and a small whimper. Eve. Realization hit me, Eve was alive and in the hands of a Roman man.

"Eve", I whispered. I don't know what came over me, but I reached out and took the baby from his arms. "Eve", I whispered again taking her little hand in mine.

The roman continued talking, I barely listened… "Xena had a plan they would drink the tears of Celesta, it was supposed to make the sleep for a few days... a plan to fool the gods, to make them look away while they left Greek soil." I looked up at him when he reach for Eve.

I moved to a side not letting him touch her. "Joxer, she is not safe in Greece", he tried to coax my hand.

"What do you plan to do with her?" I challenged.

"Take her to Rome". He replied almost snatching the girl out of my arms. I moved again.

"No, Xena wouldn't want her daughter there". I said adamantly shaking my head. I had an idea of Xena's feelings for the romans, I was certain she wouldn't have wanted her daughter there. "Give her to me. I am no one, I can take care of her". I could be a fool, but I was an honest fool, I could do it – take care of the daughter of my friends.

"She will be treated like a princess, live in a villa with everything she needs", Octavius tried to reason with me, but I would not let him take her. He would need to kill me first.

"No Octavius" I breathed in. "Apologies for the disrespect, but Xena wouldn't have wanted her daughter raise by a roman general". I was harsh. I needed be.

He eyed me again, not knowing if to trust me or not, but he was doubting, so I pushed. "Eve deserve a better life, a life outside from the killing, far from armies. She deserve peace, she is already an orphan", I continued kissing her cheek. "You won't have the time to raise her… Xena trusted you, but I don't think she trusted whoever you will give the child to".

He was a roman general, with the responsibilities of his status.

"Xena and Gabrielle are gone, Ares took them; there is no way we can do anything for them – they might as well be a pile of ash for everything we know." I pushed. "But Eve… I will raise it as my own. I am no one, I can do it", I repeated rocking the child in my arms.

And the just like that, he relented. He didn't fight for her. In that moment I knew I was doing right thing, Eve deserved someone wanting to protect her - until death if needed. Like her mother and Gabrielle had done.

"You are a good man Joxer, if you ever need anything, come look for me". Those were his parting words. I nodded to him and he offered me a horse with basics and just like that he left.

TBC?