Dear Journal,

It's 4 AM right now… I should be sleeping, but, I just can't. It's that stupid dream. Every time I close my eyes, I can see it again… feel it again… Okay, hold on for just five minutes. I need to… take care of something. BRB.

Okay, I'm back. Now that that's dealt with, my head's a bit clearer now. I can't believe I'm actually about to write this down, but I need to share with someone. I need to figure out what this all means. So, the dream was about Karma. I wrote in the last entry that I think I might… have feelings for her, after that kiss in the gym, but I guess I kind of underestimated those feelings, because I just had the most intense dream about her. Here goes (God, I hope she never reads this).

So, the dream starts off innocent enough. Karma is at my house, which is totally normal. After all, she's my best friend (maybe more?... Shit, I'm getting distracted. Back to the story). Anyway, here's what happened:

"So, I'm thinking we keep pretending to be lesbians for a while, then we can pretend to break up, but still be friends of course, and then I can be with Liam!" Karma says, sounding excited. "What do you think?"

"What do I think? I think that you're doing all this for a guy you know nothing about," I reply. "Maybe you should be with someone you know a bit better?" Someone like me?

"Don't worry, I'll get to know him better before we 'break up'," Karma says, doing the double quotations thing with her hands.

"Umm, Karma, I wanted to ask you something," I say quietly. (Damn, even in my dreams I have a hard time telling her how I feel!).

Now she looks at me concerned. "Of course, you know you can ask me anything."

I take a deep breath. "It's about that kiss in the gym."

She brightens up when she hears that and smiles brightly. "Oh yeah, that was great. We really sold this whole 'lesbian' thing, huh? Everybody totally believes that we're actual lesbians now."

"That's… That's not what I meant. What I meant is…" I pause for a moment here. "Did you feel anything when we kissed?"

"I'm not sure what you mean, Amy."

"What I mean is, did you feel anything when we kissed in the gym? Because I think I might have felt something, but the thing is, I don't know if that something was an actual something or if it was just a nothing something, but I'm pretty sure I felt something, and it hasn't gone away, and I'm running out of air," I say, taking a deep breath. I'd said all that in one breath, because if I'd stopped for air, I wouldn't have continued, and now my heart was pounding in my chest, and I couldn't make eye contact with her, and shit, she hasn't said anything yet, and I really hope I haven't just ruined everything with the best friend I've ever had. I slowly raise my eyes to look at Karma, and her face isn't showing anything. She's just sitting there blinking at me. Is she processing, or did I like, break her?

"Amy," Karma begins slowly. "Are you telling me that you're in love with me?"

"Whoa, no one said anything about love. I just think that I might, possibly, have… feelings for you."

"Amy, you're my best friend, so when we kissed in the gym, I didn't want to say anything, but now you're telling me that you felt something too," Karma said quietly. (Okay, I know, this is kind of farfetched, but come on, it's a dream. Don't judge me, Journal).

I paused for a moment, processing what Karma had just said. Did she just say that she felt something too? I looked at her and noticed a faint blush slowly spreading across her cheeks, beautifully matching her hair. And in that moment, I couldn't help myself. I slowly leaned in towards her, giving her time to stop me if she wanted to, and then our lips were pressed together, and it was ten times better than the kiss in the gym because now, there was no audience. I was kissing her, and she was kissing me back, and not because we needed to prove something to someone, but because we both wanted to. I slowly pulled back, and smiled at her. "Woah," I whispered, breathlessly.

"I know," she whispered back at me, before leaning in to kiss me again. I kissed her back, before pulling away to kiss her down her neck, stopping at the sensitive junction between her neck and shoulder. Her breathing hitched, before she grabbed my face and pulled me up to kiss me again. She pulled back, her blush growing even darker. "Amy, I… I want to…"

"Yeah, I want to too," I reply, immediately understanding what she was trying to say. I smiled at her, leaned in to kiss her again, and started unbuttoning her shirt. As soon as her shirt was off, I started kissing down her neck, but this time I didn't stop at her shoulder. When I got to her bra, I reached around, and looked at her. She gazed down at me and nodded. I undid her bra, and threw it off to the side somewhere.

With Karma now topless, I pushed her down to lay on my bed, and I focused on her boobs. My mouth went to one nipple, and my hand to the other. Meanwhile, my other hand started travelling farther down, paying particular attention to the spots that made Karma react, until I reached the top of her jeans. I detached my mouth from her nipples, making a very faint popping sound, and moved up to hover over her. I looked her in the eyes. "You sure you wanna do this?" I asked. As much as I wanted this, I wanted Karma to be sure that she wanted this too.

She smiled at me, nodded, and leaned up to kiss me. "Yes. I'm sure." That was all the confirmation I needed. Moving down, I unbuttoned her jeans and pulled them off her, and then, the only thing stopping her from being completely naked was a pair of pink underwear. I hooked my fingers around her underwear, and then it was off.

I hesitated only for a moment before leaning down. I trailed a finger up and down through her folds, loving the sounds she made. "Amy, stop dicking around!" I laughed at that. But I complied. I leaned down and gave a long, slow lick with the flat of my tongue, all the way up to her clit, where I flicked with my tongue. Karma gasped and grabbed the back of my head, pulling me towards her. I did the same motion again, and then focused on her clit. I kept slowly licking her clit, while my right hand moved up to play with her folds again. I slowly pushed one finger into her, and curled my finger upwards, all while still licking her clit. She bucked hard and gasped. "Amy! Do that again," she gasped. So I did. And then I added a second finger, all the while repeating the same motion again and again. Soon enough, she was breathing so hard, I knew she was close, so I wrapped my lips around her clit and sucked, all with my fingers still inside of her. That pushed her over the edge, and she came, screaming my name.

And that's when I woke up, wet, frustrated, and mostly confused. And now that I've written all this down, dear Journal, I'm feeling a bit of doubt. How can I be friends with Karma when I want more? I mean, do I just ignore my feelings and keep being her friend because it's 'good enough', because trying to be more means risking being less? I don't know. What I do know is that it's now 5:30 AM, and I have to be at school soon, and now I'm frustrated all over again, and I have to see her at school and pretend to be lesbians. So basically, I'm pretending to be in love with Karma, while pretending to not be in love with her, while actually in love with her. Great. Anyway, I'll bring you updates soon, Journal.