Give Me Love
Ed Sheeran
The dimly lit room didn't make any difference. He couldn't let this go. He was a jerk. He could never fix this. He would never try.
He felt the tears sting his eyes and squeezed them shut, letting the hot tears roll down his face. His teeth ground together and he dug his fingers into his hair. How could he do this to her? Who did he think he was?
He wanted to love someone the way she did, caringly and unconditionally, but he had messed that up now. His dark eyes opened and locked on the front door down the hall.
The memories flashed through his brain.
It was New Year's night and all the guys sat at the tables, girls next to them or on their laps. The girls pressed kisses to their noses or their lips. Loving glances passed from boy to girl. They danced to the music played around the Hall. They played with little fireworks and hugged under the starlight.
Gray watched silently from the bar, his mind racing through the only people he had ever loved. Ur. Ultear. His parents. They were all gone. He had loved them and they had left, disappeared.
He only knew one look like the ones his friends were giving to each other.
His eyes glanced out to the door. Juvia had stayed home.
Drink after drink filled his throat. His mind lost focus. He looked at the door and made up his mind.
Taking stumbling steps, he walked outside. The cold of the air didn't bother him. He had somewhere to be. He got to her door soon after and knocked on it until she answered.
"Gray-sama?"
"Can I… stay here tonight?" He thought he sounded sober enough, but as the memories hit him, Gray only saw himself for the thoughtless, stumbling drunk he had been.
Juvia smiled gently and brought him inside.
He didn't know how they'd gotten there, but soon they were tangled together in a deep kiss and his fingers sunk into her soft, blue curls. His eyes were closed, but he wanted to see every inch of her, to touch every inch of her. He led them unevenly down the hall and into her room. She fell onto her bed and he leaned over her to start the kiss over.
"Gray-sama… Wait," she muttered, "What… what're we doing?"
"I'm not sure," he admitted, pulling her back into the kiss.
As one piece of clothing after another fell to the bedroom floor at the side of the bed, he lost himself in her.
She was so beautiful. Why hadn't he ever told her? The way her hands gently ran over his skin, her caring eyes, and the way she looked at him was so sincere.
He knew he wasn't giving her that, but she took what she could from him.
This had never happened. He had never taken it this far, but tonight, it was all he thought of.
Why shouldn't he? He loved her…. didn't he?
His drunken thoughts clogged with the way she felt under him, the noises she made. He knew this meant so much more to her than it did to him. He was using her.
Wasn't he?
But he did love her. He knew it… but he had never told her.
He couldn't.
Night after drunken night was the same.
He would drink too much, walk stumbling drunk to her room, and give her his insincere love.
He never spoke a word of what he really felt.
The morning after was always the same. He would wake up early to slip out of her arms and decide, in his sober mind, to tug on his clothes and leave the apartment. His every step stung in his chest. It was another unloving night. He had made her feel like she mattered to him, but the rest of the day showed the opposite.
He avoided her. He didn't speak much. He drank a bit more than he should.
He occasionally caught her glancing at him with eyes full of pain.
He would go back some other night. She would let him in. She would convince herself he loved her enough.
It was a replay every time.
Gray's memories stopped on that painful edge in her blue eyes. He stood from his spot against the door and let a scream leave his lungs.
When he had let out all the air in his chest, he shoved himself away from the door violently enough to propel himself a bit down the hallway. He couldn't do this anymore.
He looked down the hallway at that front door. The only thing that held him back from her, from telling her the truth, was that one, thin piece of wood.
He took a staggering breath, wiped his face clean with his sleeves and walked toward it. When his touched the knob, he forced back the memories once again, and pushed it open. He had to do this tonight.
He had to try to fix this.
Outside, the rain fell in heavy droplets from the sky. Lightning didn't flash. Thunder made not a single whisper. But the rain fell in sheets and Gray bit back a sob.
"Juvia," he murmured into the night.
He stepped out of his apartment and walked quickly outside, taking steps that sent water in splashes around his ankles. He had to get their now. He had to explain himself.
When he got to her door, he found it ajar and he pushed it gently open. Down the hallway, with her back to the door just feet away from the front door, Juvia sat with her face in her hands. Her shoulders shook and Gray confirmed his worries about the rain. He closed the door behind him and Juvia's head shot up to look at him.
He saw that pain in her eyes again and he let out a shuddering breath before running, and sliding on his knees, to lean in front of her.
"Juvia," he said gently.
She looked at him for a minute. Tonight she would tell him no, she had decided, but his breath didn't hold the bitter smell of the alcohol she had gotten used to. His dark eyes looked genuinely worried. His fingers on her cheek felt steady.
"Gray-sama…" she mumbled, her lip quivering.
He suddenly hugged her head close to his chest. "Juvia…" She felt a sob run through his whole frame.
"I'm so sorry," he said, leaning back to meet her eyes. She saw the tears welling in his and bit back another sob. "I'm so, so sorry. I can't believe… I didn't mean to take it this far. I don't know what happened to me." He took a slow breath and continued. "I saw everyone together all those months ago and it dawned on me that I didn't have anyone that way, and that was my fault. I just… I drank and it started to hit me that you were all I had. I thought maybe… if I could go to your place I could tell you how much you meant to me, but when I got there… I lost my nerve like I always do. Juvia, everyone I've ever loved… once I do, they just … they're gone. Ur. Ultear." He let out another little sob. "I didn't want to watch that happen to you too."
She put a hand over his on her cheek and took a slow breath. "Gray-sama… I…"
"Wait. I have to finish this. I pushed it back too long already." He closed his eyes for a minute and when he opened them again, he grew more serious. "Juvia, I love you. Okay? I don't expect you to forgive me for all those things I said or the things I did or how long I just let you sit alone on nights like this and cry. I'm sorry. I took way too long to tell you, but I love you. If you let me, in any way, I'll make it up to you. I swear on my own life."
She looked at him silently for a minute before letting herself really cry. His arms tugged her close and she let herself go in his arms. For once, he didn't feel cold. His entire body was a warmth she hadn't know on any of those nights. All those empty kisses, the meaningless words, they didn't matter in that one second. This was the Gray she had really loved.
When she leaned back and looked at him, she gave him a little smile.
"Gray-sama will have to do quite a lot," she admitted.
He let out an relieved chuckle. "I know. Whatever you want."
She nodded. "Juvia will try."
He smiled, standing and putting a hand out to her. "But let's start like this." Once he had helped her up and cleaned her cheek with his sleeves, he pressed a gentle kiss to her cheek. "Tomorrow, I want to take you on a date. A real date. I want you to dress really nice and I'll pay for some dinner, then, you tell me whatever you want to do for the rest of the night and I'll do it."
She smiled. "Okay."
He nodded and she leaned her forehead on his chest. He held her close for a minute.
"Gray-sama?"
"Hmm?"
"Can Gray-sama stay here tonight? To sleep," she clarified. "Juvia just… Juvia does not want to sleep alone tonight."
He smiled gently. "You got it."
Whatever she wanted, he'd do it.
He kept his promise.