It's Not Enough
Chakotay walked home from Starfleet slowly. He use to take the transport, but now he often walked the three miles. It gave him time to think. And, he was never in any hurry to get home. Often on the walk home, he thought about her. But, today, he thought about the teaching job he held at Starfleet. It had become boring. He wanted so much more.
He wondered why he had stayed at the Academy for so long. Five years already. But, deep down he knew he stayed there for her. It was rare that her job ever brought her to Earth anymore, but he felt the need to be there when she did come. She would always come to his class. After class they would go to her hotel room, under the guise that they would talk. Usually it wasn't more than five minutes before they found themselves in bed. Sex with her was great. She was well versed in pleasure. She knew more ways to get him aroused than he thought possible. Hours later, he would finally leave her room, so exhausted that he'd have to take a transport home.
Every time this happened, a day or two later he'd have remorse. Remorse at having only a fleeting time with her. Remorse about her being married to another. Remorse that he didn't have the courage to move on.
He and Seven had broken up only weeks after arriving back on Earth. She had told him once that she only went after him because Kathryn had wanted him. But, he never truly believed that Kathryn had wanted him. She had used him, yes. But, wanted him? He didn't think so.
He was told that a few weeks after the debriefings were over that Kathryn had resigned from Starfleet although she had been offered the Admiralty. She simply walked away.
He hadn't been teaching at the Academy but a few weeks, when he saw Jonaya sitting on a bench on the grounds of Starfleet. She was an Ambassador from the planet Juleta Prime. He was amazed as to how much she looked like Kathryn. They talked and hit it off.
He laughed about just how well they had hit it off. Less than four hours after their meeting, they were in her hotel room having wild passionate sex. She showed him positions he never thought possible. What they had between them wasn't love. It was lust, sex pure and simple. She told him about her husband who was an invalid. He told her about Seven, but most of all he told her about Kathryn. Of course she had heard about the great Kathryn Janeway. She was a fan of Kathryn's.
Most of the time, when he was having sex with Jonaya, he pretended she was Kathryn. He never called her by name thankfully. When he came he often shouted out, 'My Love', but Jonaya was very aware that he was making love to Kathryn as he had sex with her.
Jonaya was doing the same thing. In her mind, she was making love to her husband. He sat in a hover chair and could do almost nothing for himself. Before he had been hurt in a terrorist attack, he had been the Ambassador. When she married him, she had been a virgin. He had taught her everything she knew about sex and how to please a man. She had told her husband about Chakotay. He was glad that his wife was with Chakotay whenever she had to come to Earth. He loved his wife more than anything, and he wanted her to be happy. Sex made her happy.
One night when Jonaya was on earth attending a Diplomatic dinner, she heard talk of Kathryn Janeway. At the mention of Kathryn's name, Jonaya listened carefully. She had a great memory. She could remember conversations word for word.
Admiral Richards and Admiral Bowling were the two discussing Kathryn.
"Admirals Hays and Nechayev contacted Kathryn Janeway and nearly begged her to come back to Captain the new Voyager 2 out to the Gamma Quadrant. She has such great negotiating skills. The situation there in that part of the Gamma Quadrant is very delicate. I think Janeway is about the only one who could defuse the situation. Apparently the rest of the Admirality thinks so as well."
"Will she agree? She did walk away."
"I think seven years in the Delta Quadrant would make anyone want to walk away. But, it's been sometime. They seem to think she'll take it. She was told if she takes it, she can pick her crew."
"We can always hope. Starfleet and the Federation has not done well the past fifteen years. We need a positive for a change. But, you do know what that beast did to Janeway after Voyager returned."
"I heard parts. It made me want to throw up. I can't imagine anyone doing that to another human being.!"
"At least he's dead now. He would have killed her little by little had she not managed to kill him first. I guess it's a good thing he wanted to torture her first. Gave her a chance."
As soon as Jonaya could, she walked out into the gardens where she was alone. She contacted Chakotay. She knew Seven was gone as she'd spent the afternoon and early evening in her hotel room with him.
"Hi, Jonaya. What gives?"
"I need to talk to you right away. It's important. It's something I heard here at the dinner. Can I meet you somewhere?"
"Ok, there is a little Italian place called Fabios near where you are. I can meet you there in the bar for drinks. When can you get there?"
"I need to go back in and make my apologizes that I have to leave. I should be there in twenty minutes."
"See you there. Whoever gets there first, gets to find a table in the bar. Okay?"
"Ok, see you there."
When Jonaya got there, he was already sitting at a table. Standing beside him was a waiter. Seeing her, Chakotay ordered their drinks. As she approached he stood and kissed her on the cheek, "Hello, sexy! I missed you!"
"We were only together five hours ago!"
"Five long hours."
They waited until the waiter put their drinks in front of them. "What's going on?"
"Give me a second and I'll repeat the conversation I heard between Admirals Richards and Bowling." She put her fingers on each side of her temples. It was about a minute, when she spoke again, reciting their conversation word for word. When she was finished she moved her hands away and looked at him. "What do you think?"
"I don't know. They certainly gave her a good incentive to take it. Voyager 2 is even more technologically advanced than even Voyager. And, the opportunity to pick her own crew is good. That happens very rarely. They didn't happen to say when, or even where she is? I want to find out who hurt her! And, believe me, it's a good thing the guy is dead!"
"Neither said where she was. I told you that was their entire conversation. Sorry. If she asks, will you go?"
"Maybe. Depends on the offer." They both knew he'd do anything to be on Kathryn's ship.
They sat and talked for a long time. Several drinks later, he walked her back to her hotel. He didn't go in. She was leaving early the next morning, and he had a meeting with one of his students early. When they got to the hotel, he drew her into his arms and kissed her passionately.
"I'll let you know when I'm coming back to Earth, Chakotay. And, let me know about Janeway. I know you love her. Maybe here's your chance."
Over the next few weeks, he began to hear more and more rumors about Janeway and Voyager 2. He hoped the rumors were true, and he hoped she'd take the position. In a way, he secretly hoped that she would ask him to be First Officer, but he had his doubts. She hadn't even bothered to contact him in all the time they had been home. Then of course, she hadn't contacted anyone from the old crew that he knew of. Maybe whatever that bastard did to her made her shy away from everyone. He only knew one thing for certain and that was he loved her. He wished that he could stop loving her and move on, but somehow he knew it would never happen.
One day about five minutes to the end of his last class for the day, Admiral Paris walked into his classroom. He stood in the back of the room until the class was finished and all the students had left.
He then walked up to Chakotay, "Do you have some time to talk?"
"Certainly."
"Let's take a walk."
Together they left the building and headed over to the gardens of Starfleet. On the way, they made small talk. When they finally arrived at the gardens, they sat on a bench.
They sat there for a few minutes until finally Owen began talking, "I guess you've heard rumors of Voyager 2 being readied for a voyage to the Gamma Quadrant."
"Yes, I've heard."
"It's true. I've been given the job of asking you to come aboard as the ships Captain."
Chakotay's mouth dropped open. "Rumor has it that the honor was going to Kathryn."
"She'll be there too, but as an Admiral. However, you will be the one to make all the decisions, not her."
"May I ask why? It's a bit unusual."
"Yes, it is unusual. But, what I'm about to tell you is between you and me and no one else. Understand?"
"I understand."
"Your, shall I say, ex-friend Seska had a brother. Gul Camet, leader of the Obsidian Order."
Chakotay's face turned pale. He knew that the Obsidian Order was the cruelest of all the Cardassian groups. And, Gul Camet was known for his extreme cruelty.
"Did Kathryn ever tell you that when she was an Ensign under me, she and I were captured by the Cardassians?"
"Yes, she told me."
"Gul Camet's group caught us. They tortured me. And, he had begun torturing Kathryn. His own special way. Camet never left any woman alive. He always left them in pieces. Anyway, we were rescued. Then when Voyager returned, he heard his sister died on Kathryn's ship. Camet blamed Kathryn. He managed to break out of the prison he was in. He came after Kathryn. She was at her home in Indiana, in the den alone. He raped her repeatedly and was torturing her. Years ago, her father, Edward, had hid a phaser in the den in the fireplace. One of the bricks at the bottom was a fake panel that opened when you touched it. That's where the phaser was. Camet was busy holding a poker into the fire to get it red hot to burn Kathryn some more. While he was doing that, Kathryn managed to get the phaser and she killed him. She finally was able to transport to Starfleet Medical."
"Oh Kathryn!" He nearly sobbed.
"She was nearly dead when she was beamed in to Starfleet Medical. For almost two weeks they didn't expect her to live. The list of things he had done to her was long. By all rights, she should not have survived."
"But, she's okay now?"
"No, she's not… not completely."
"I need to know."
"She had a complete breakdown. She's been seeing counselors. She's much better. Finally she's been able to do negotiations around the Alpha Quadrant for us. But, they have been all short trips. She's the best we have. She can focus on the problem at hand and shut everything else out of her mind. We need her to go to the Gamma Quadrant to negotiate there. But, the ship will be gone well over a year. We will be sending a counselor with her. However, you know her better than anyone. We don't feel she's able to take the strain of running the ship. Which is why we're asking you to Captain it. She knows that we're asking you. She knows her limitations. She's agreed to this." He hesitated for a moment. Chakotay noticed he wanted to say more.
"I have a feeling there is more to this."
"Yes, there is. Whatever you do, you can't touch her. Not even a pat on the shoulder. And, that goes for your crew as well. Maybe at some point that will change. No one knows. When touched, she gets hysterical."
"We didn't part on the best of terms. We were close on the ship after sometime, but toward the end, she started closing herself off. Then I began seeing Seven. Things got worse. Are you sure I'm the right person for the job?"
"I think so. And, I have talked to her about it. She needs you there. We need an answer from you within the next week. If you take it, you can submit a list of all the crew members you'd like to have back and what positions. She can go over it. And, if she agrees, we will contact them. However, you have the final say. You can override her on it. "
"My classes will be over next week. If I take it, someone will have to teach my classes beginning in the fall."
"We will handle it."
"I'll let you know by the time classes are over. I'm worried she won't let me do my job!"
"If you were around her even half a day, you wouldn't worry about it."
"Where is she? Is it possible for me to talk to her about it?"
"I can't tell you where she is. She's in seclusion. So, it's not possible for you to talk to her. Maybe later."
"I guess the biggest problem I have with this is having her fall apart along the way. I'm worried that she's not well enough for all this. And, what happens if one of the aliens touches her? Will she break down?"
"Of all the people she knows, she trusts you the most. We want you to work with her counselor on getting her over the fear of having someone touch her. It's going to take you six months to get there. A lot can happen in six months."
"Yeah, she could kill me!"
"I don't think she will. She loved you once. I think she still does."
"How do you know she loved me?"
"She told me."
"Maybe things would have been different if she had told me."
"You two have a lot to work out. Just be patience with her."
"That was my problem on Voyager. I was too patient with her."
"I need to get going. I have a meeting to go to before I can go home. Let me know when and what you decide. But, unfortunately, you don't have much time to make the decision. Oh, one other thing. The ship you'll be taking is a family ship. That might help you decide who you want to bring along!"
Owen stood up and left Chakotay sitting there for some time. He looked around at the beautiful gardens. It was so peaceful there. He hoped that wherever Kathryn was, she was at peace. He already knew he would go. How could he not? He loved her too much not to go. A thought hit him: Can you love someone too much?
That night, he contacted Jonaya by subspace. He told her about what had happened to Kathryn. He also told her about Owen's offer. She encouraged him to accept.
"You love her, Chakotay. You need her. I'll miss our times together, but we both know that when I'm with you , I'm thinking of my mate. And, you're not making love to me, but to Kathryn. I hope she loves you as much as you love her. Let me know how things work out. Kathryn, may not realize it, but she's very lucky to have someone like you to love her. Take care, Chakotay!"
That night, Chakotay began working on the list. Most of the old crew he wanted back if possible. There was a few he simply didn't want, namely Seven. One that he certainly wanted was Voyager's old EMH. He cared about the crew and especially Kathryn. Chakotay couldn't ask for a better person to handle sickbay and Kathryn.
Owen had sent him a schematic of the ship and also some more information. Next to sickbay, there was a nursery and classrooms. Chakotay was happy about that. Right away he sent a message to Owen accepting the offer.
Two days later, he had the list complete. He sent it to Owen so that Owen could get Kathryn's approval. By each person's name, he put not only the position he wanted them placed in but the reason why he wanted them in that position. Since he couldn't talk to Kathryn directly, this was the only way he thought he could do it.
Eventually the list was returned to him. There was only a couple of people she didn't agree on, but she stated that he should start them where he wanted. If they didn't work out, he could move them later.
Now all they needed to do was convince the crew to return. He knew that a fairly good per cent of them probably would but not all.
A month later the crew of Voyager 2 gathered in the mess hall. Microphones were set up so all good hear. As he looked around, he saw a lot of old friends. He was glad they were together again. Everyone was there except Kathryn and her counselor. They had transported directly to her quarters. Once they were out of Earth's orbit, he'd meet with the senior staff. After that, he'd go see Kathryn for the first time in five years.
The "Welcome to Voyager" talk went well. There was a lot of questions raised, one being where was the Admiral. Kathryn had sent a message that he could tell them parts of what happened. So, he read the message to them. He told them Kathryn had been attacked by a Cardassian, she wasn't completely well, and that she had a fear of being touched. He asked that no one touch her or come up on her suddenly. She was trying to work through it. He did not tell them exactly who had attacked her, what the attack consisted of or when it had occurred. Later he was to tell the senior staff the entire story.
Flinally Voyager 2 took off on it's maiden voyage. Chakotay knew that some of the original crew of Voyager 1 was probably remembering taking off on the maiden voyage of Voyager 1. After leaving Earth's orbit behind, he called for a meeting of the senior staff.
As they came into the briefing room, he looked at them and smiled. There was Tom, Belanna, Harry, the EMH, Tuvok, Mike Ayala and Susan Nicoletti. They all seemed to be happy. Tom, Belanna, Harry and the EMH had their old jobs back. Tuvok was the First Officer. Mike headed Security and Susan took on Seven's old job. Chakotay was happy with the choices. He knew that Kathryn was happy with them. He wondered if Kathryn realized Seven was not even on the orginal list he made.
After they talked for some time, he and the EMH gave them the whole story as to what happened to Kathryn. Owen had never said anything to Tom and Belanna. So, all were surprised and shocked at the cruelty . He asked again that they emphaise to their people "do not touch the Admiral". He thought that later he'd have a talk with Naomi. She loved hugging and kissing Kathryn. She was the one he was most worried about.
In fact, after the meeting, he sought out Naomi and Sam. He sat Naomi down and explained that Kathryn had been hurt very badly and didn't want to be touched. He also told her, if Kathryn ever got to the point where she was no longer afraid, Naomi would probably be one of the first people she hugged. Naomi seemed to understand, "I'll be very careful around her. You know I love her."
"She loves you, too Pumpkin!" He pulled her close to him and held her tightly, remembering the day she was born.
After talking to Naomi, he headed to meet Kathryn. She was in a guest suite next to his quarters. He had wanted to switch quarters with her, which would have put her quarters between his and Tuvoks. She had refused.
He stood outside her door for a couple of minutes. He was gathering courage to go in. He didn't know how they would react to each other the first time. Finally, he felt calm enough to press the buzzer. The door slowly opened and he stepped inside. The lightening had been turned down.
"Come and sit on the couch, Chakotay. I listened to your welcoming speech. Very good!"
He walked over to the couch. She was cruled up on one end. She had some padds next to her which she didn't move. He sat on the other side of the padds. She wasn't drinking anything which surprised him.
"Is the replicator working, Kathryn?"
"I suppose so. I haven't tried it."
He didn't ask her if she wanted him to get her anything or not. They sat in silence for some minutes, just looking at each other. She looks so beautiful! Way too thin. Even thinner than she was before. I just want to take her in my arms and hold her forever. How could anyone ever hurt her that way?
Finally, she spoke, "It's good to see you again."
"Good to see you."
They sat a few more minutes in silence, neither looking at the other.
Finally, he said, "Naomi is on board. She's looking forward to seeing you. She's gotten so grown up. I hardly recognized her."
"I'll make arrangements to have her come here to visit me when her and Sam get all settled in."
"That would be good." Another silence and then;
"Would you like to escort me to dinner in the mess hall this evening?"
"Certainly, as long as you're up to it. You know how the crew is, and they have missed you."
"I feel safe with you, Chakotay. I know that while we've had our differences, you would never hurt me physically."
"No, I would never do that.". I noticed she didn't say anything about hurting her emotionally. I had to have done that when I took up with Seven. I just hope that someday Kathryn will forgive me for that.
"Have you toured the ship yet, Kathryn?"
"Actually, yes, last week. Owen and I came on board. It's a great ship, but Voyager 1 is the ship I'll always remember."
They talked for another ten minutes. Finally, Chakotay saw that she was tiring. He got up to leave, "I need to get back to the bridge. How about if I stop by here at 1930 to escort you to the mess hall?"
"That would be fine."
He got up and walked to the door. He turned around to look at her before he left. She was looking out the view port as she had so often done in the past. I wonder what she's thinking. I hope her thoughts are good thoughts. She looks so thin and so very sad. I hope to see her smile again. I loved her smile. It was so beautiful. She is so beautiful.
Chakotay sat on the bridge the rest of the morning. Finally, he went into his ready room to work. Already there was a stack of padds to read.
Later he had a visitor. Ludeema Rotri, Kathryn's couuselor.
."It's good to meet you. May I call you Ludeema."
"Yes, Chakotay, please call me Ludeema. I will be working closely with you and Tuvok as well as Kathryn."
"Did you want Tuvok to come in now?"
"No, I wish to meet with him separately. You each have had different roles in Kathryn's life, and will continue to do so."
"May I get you something to drink?"
"No, thank you."
"I noticed Kathryn doesn't seem to be drinking coffee."
"No, she seems to have given it up. She does drink a lot of tea at times though. She said a friend of hers use to drink a lot of tea." She knew he would know who she was talking about. She noticed his smile as she said this.
"What did you want to know Ludeema?"
"It's obvious that you love her, Chakotay. Tell me about it."
"I think I have loved her from the first day I saw her." He thought for a minute, "No, maybe love came a bit later. The first time I saw her, it was lust. I wanted to bed her. I thought she'd be great in bed. Love crept in somewhere. I often thought she loved me. We'd get so close, then she'd pull away. After years of her doing that, I couldn't do it any more. Some nights she couldn't sleep. She'd use her override and come into my bedroom. She'd crawl in bed with me and lay as close to me as she could. I'd pull her closer. Often not one word was spoken. Soon she'd be asleep. When I'd wake in the morning, she'd be gone. Sometimes I thought I'd just dreamed it. But, there would be the smell of her in my bed and a warm spot where she lay. You just can't imagine the number of cold showers I took during those seven years."
"Did you ever try talking about it?"
"In the beginning I did. But, she would refuse. Finally, I quit as it only made her angry."
"And, finally, you began seeing Seven of Nine?"
"Kathryn had really pulled back perhaps six months or so before the Seven thing."
"Tell me about Seven."
"She wanted to be more human. The EMH was working with her, but he could only do so much. He and Seven came to me and asked if I would help her with her social skills. I began to help her. Seems a lot of the crew as well as Kathryn got the impression that Seven and I were a couple. I do like her. But, I could never love Seven. And we never had sex together. Anyway, when the debriefings were over, Kathryn walked away. Seven had no where to go. She only had a grandmother who refused to have a Borg in her home. I told her she could stay with me. She did for a while. She finally met a guy, and they're in love. Actually they got married a couple of weeks ago."
"And, you? All this time, was there anyone?"
"Jonaya. We didn't date. We had wild sex. She's an Ambassador for her planet. She comes to earth every few months. He husband is an invalid. When together, she calls out his name. She loves him dearly. And, I think of Kathryn. What attracted me to Jonaya was that she looked so much like Kathryn."
"That actually happens more than you think."
"Anything else you need to know?"
"No, not right now. I'll get back to you in a few days. I want to talk to Tuvok next."
"Tuvok has known her longer than anyone. He was a friend of her fathers. He doesn't show it, but he cares a lot for Kathryn. He's proved it to me many times."
"Good. I'm glad she has people here who care for her so much. It will help her on her way to her recovery."
"Do you think she will recover completely?"
"Yes, I do. But, she has to want to. She has to feel she's worth it."
They got up. Before she left, he asked if she wanted to join Kathryn and him for dinner. She was a bit surprised that they were having dinner together. But, she was glad.
At 1930:
Chakotay rang the buzzer to Kathryn's quarters and waited for the door to open. Walking in, he wasn't sure what to expect.
He heard her call from the bedroom, "I'll be out in a minute. Make yourself comfortable."
He sat on the couch. She came out in about five minutes. She had her hair up with tendrals hanging down. She wore a pair of tan slacks and a blue top. She looked very nice. But, she looked way too thin and her eyes were dull.
"I took a bath. You know how I am when it comes to a bathtub!"
He remembered only too clearly those nights on New Earth when she had spent what seemed like hours in the bathtub he had made for her. He smiled at the thought of how much she had enjoyed it.
"Are you ready to dine, my lady?" He started to hold out his arm for her to take, but saw the swift look of fear on her face as she looked at his arm "I'm sorry, Kathryn. I forgot!"
"It's okay, Chakotay. I know we use to walk that way many times, but I'm just not ready, yet. I hope to be some day soon. I'm sorry."
He smiled that smile she loved so well. "Well, then my lady, shall we go?"
He bowed slightly as she walked through the doorway. They walked slowly, and he noticed a slight limp when she walked. Damn Camet! If he wasn't already dead, I'd kill him!
Entering the mess hall, they saw many people in there. Kathryn and Chakotay went through the line picking up a few items. They put them on the tray that Chakotay had picked up. Kathryn got them each tea and put the cups on the tray as well. They headed over to the appromixite area where they had sat many times on Voyager 1. Many sets of eyes followed them. People were commenting to each other as to how thin and unwell Kathryn looked.
As they sat down, Kathryn commented, "They're staring.!"
"Yes, and it's okay, Kathryn. The men are staring and thinking how lucky I am to be with such a beautiful woman. And, the women would love to be as beautiful as you!"
"And, you, Chakotay, are full of BS!" She laughed. Suddenly her eyes opened wide.
"What's wrong, Kathryn?" Chakotay had a look of concern on his face.
"It's just…well…it's just that it's been a long time since I laughed!"
"Well, I hope to make you laugh and smile more!"
"You've always been a friend. I thank you!"
"Let's eat before the food gets cold." Oh Kathryn! I want to be so much more than just a friend!
They ate, but Chakotay noticed that Kathryn was more or less picking at her food. "Kathryn, what's wrong? Oh, wait! I know! You're missing Neelix's food! We'll have to find you some leola root!"
She smiled a big smile! "You have such a sense of humor!"
"I aim to make my Admiral happy!"
"I thought I'd never be happy again. Chakotay, for a long time I wanted to die."
"But, you didn't Kathryn, and somewhere along the line, you started fighting to stay alive. It's a long battle, but someday, you'll win it all back."
"I want to be normal. But, I'm not sure what normal is anymore."
"Don't worry, you'll find your way. And, you have many friends here on board that would help you! They love you, Kathryn."
They talked for a long time. Finally, Tom, Belanna and five year old Miral came over to say hello.
Kathryn seemed pleased to see them. Miral was shy toward Kathryn but immediately climbed on Chakotay's lap. Kathryn watched in ammusement while Chakotay let Miral trace his tattoo with her finger. She loved doing that. Finally they left.
"She's adorable. You had such patience with her."
"She does it all the time. When she was really small, I thought she was going to poke out my eye." Kathryn looked down with tears in her eyes.
"What's wrong, Kathryn?"
"I've missed so much. She's so comfortable around you, but she was afraid of me."
"Wait till she gets to know you, Kathryn. It will take time."
The days passed slowly. Tom had re-created another Sandrines. This one was larger and more eleborate. The crew seemed to hang out there or in the mess hall.
Chakotay and Kathryn often had dinner in the mess hall. They were getting more comfortable with each other. One evening as Harry was talking to them, he mentioned that he was going to meet the others in Sandrines. They talked about Sandrines for a few minutes before he left.
Chakotay noticed how quite Kathryn had become after Harry left. "Kathryn, is there something wrong?"
"I… no nothing." She sat in silence for a few minutes. He waited for her to speak. Finally, "Chakotay, would you be willing to escort me to Sandrines? I'd like to see it, but I'm afraid of going alone."
"Of course, Kathryn. Did you want to go after we finish eating?"
"Yes, I'd like that."
When they walked into Sandrines, there was quite a few of the old crew, mainly sitting around and talking. Music was playing. A few people were dancing. Chakotay and Kathryn made their way over to an empty table by the wall and sat down. Just as soon as they sat, a holo-waiter came over, "May I take your order?"
Chakotay looked at Kathryn. He didn't know if she drank any longer or not. "Kathryn?"
"A glass of white wine, please."
"I'll have the same."
They sat and watched the dancing. They didn't stay too long.
The next day when Chakotay talked to Ludeema, she told him that Kathryn had told her about the trip to Sandrines. Ludeema laid her hand on Chakotay's arm, "That was a good thing. Usually, Kathryn doesn't suggest doing anything. I hope you'll be willing to take her there again."
"Anytime she wants to go. We always use to dance. She loved dancing. Maybe over time, she'll want to dance again. Maybe it's a way to get her to touch and be touched."
"Yes, that was what I was thinking. She's beginning to open up more thanks to you. You've done wonders for her, Chakotay. Don't think you haven't."
Chakotay and Kathryn began spending several nights a week in Sandrines. They always sat at the same table and drank white wine - no more than two glasses each.
Kathryn would watch the dancers, sometimes with a strange look on her face. And, Chakotay watched Kathryn. I wonder what she's thinking. Should I ask her to dance? Is that what she's waiting for. Earlier as we picked up our wine, our hands brushed each other. At least she didn't get up and run out of here.
He finally had to ask, "Kathryn, what are you thinking?"
"I was thinking about how we use to dance. You're the best dancer here. You should be out there dancing."
"I want to be wherever you are, Kathryn. If you want to dance, I'll dance with you. If you want to sit and watch, I'll do that as well."
"I..I.. wish I could."
" I wouldn't hurt you. I've never hurt you when we've danced, have I?"
"I.. I want to leave, Chakotay, please." There was tears in her eyes.
"Of course, Kathryn." he stood as she did, and he followed her out.
On their way back to her quarters, they never spoke a word. Once there, she keyed in the code. As the doors opened, she turned to him, "Will you come in? I…we…need to talk. Please." She had a wretched look on her face. He wanted to take her in his arms and hold her forever.
"Yes, we do need to talk" They went inside and sat on the couch.
"Would you get some tea for us, Chakotay?"
He walked to the replictor and replicted two cups and a pot of tea. Bringing them back to the couch, he sat them on the small table and poured each a cup.
They sat for a few minutes. She wouldn't look at him. She was looking down. Finally, she began to talk, not much above a whisper, "He… he hurt me. Was so angry. I had gotten away from him years ago. He said he always wanted to find me again to finish what he had started. He..
oh Gods, Chakotay." She was crying. And, suddenly she was in his arms. He held her tightly while she cried.
Finally, she pulled back a little. Over the next few hours, she told him in detail what Camet had done to her. She had never told anyone the entire horror story. As Chakotay heard it, he felt sick and anger at Camet. And, for Kathryn, he felt more love than he had ever imagined feeling for anyone.
After she finished telling him, she lay in his arms sobbing. Suddenly she was quiet. Looking down, he saw that she had cried herself to sleep.
He gently carried her to the bedroom and laid her on the bed. Taking off her shoes, he covered her with a blanket. Before he left the room, he kissed her gently on the lips. She didn't stir. Silently he left the room.
He sat on her couch and commed Ludeema. He told her what had happened. Ludeema suggested that he stay with Kathryn, sleeping on the couch in case she woke during the night, not that there was much left of the night.
He went to his quarters and got another pillow and blanket. Coming back into the guest quarters, he took off his shoes and laid down on the couch. He couldn't sleep. What that animal had done to Kathryn kept going through his mind. No wonder she was having a hard time getting over it.
At 0600, Chakotay commed Tuvok and told him what had happened. He said he'd be off the bridge most of the day. Tuvok thought it was a good idea and offered his help if needed. Tuvok has spent many hours on this trip talking with Kathryn as well, although she never opened up to him the way she did to Chakotay. In fact, she had never opened up to Ludeema about it. All three felt it was a big break through for Kathryn.
Soon Ludeema arrived at Kathryn's quarters. She sat and talked with Chakotay while Kathryn slept. She explained that Kathryn might shy away from Chakotay for awhile as she will feel that she had exposed herself to him.
"Do you think I should be here when she wakes up? I don't want her to feel uncomfortable in front of you."
"I think you should leave before she wakes up. I'll talk with her. I'll tell her that you just said that she opened up to you. See what she says. That might give me an idea as to how she'll respond to you."
"Ok, she should be waking up soon. So, I'll leave now. Let me know how things go. And, help me decide what my next step will be."
He left Kathryn's quarters to go shower. After dressing, he went to the mess hall and had breakfast, not eating much. He walked the ship with constant thoughts of Kathryn.
Finally he headed for the ready room. Entering he sat at the desk. He read some padds and worked on other reports. His mind kept going back to last night and the terrible things Camet had done to Kathryn. How could anyone do anything like that to my Kathryn? He suddenly sat up straight in his chair. Just when did I start thinking of her as my Kathryn? Perhaps on New Earth? No, it was before that. So long ago I'll always think of her as my Kathryn until the day I die!".
Ludeema came to see him after lunch. As she entered, she had a smile on her face. She sat at the desk as he went to the replicator and got tea for them.
"She's doing great today, Chakotay. She took a big giant step last night in talking to you. We'll see how she reacts to you when you stop by to get her for dinner. I know she still has a long way to go, but it's a good start."
"I'll let you know how she does tonight. One of my personal aims for her is to get her to dance again."
"That is a reasonable goal. We need her to be able to touch others as well. I truly think she will be alright soon. She's certainly on the right path."
Chakotay rang her chime that evening to take her to the mess hall. The door slowly opened. As he entered, he looked around. She wasn't in the living area.
He called out, "Kathryn. I'm here."
As he stood there, he saw her walk out of the bedroom. She smiled slightly at him. "I'm ready. You look nice tonight."
He had changed out of his uniform. He had on navy slacks and a blue pull over shirt. He was just glad to be out of the uniform for a change.
"Shall we go?" He smiled.
She walked out ahead of him. They continued on to the mess hall in silence. Going through the line they both picked the fish dinner. It was grilled fish which had been marinated in a pineapple - soy sauce-brown sugar mixture and grilled along with fresh pineapple slices. It smelled really good. It was served with au gratin potatoes and mixed veggies.
They sat in their usual place. As they ate, he keep glancing at her. She looked better than he had seen her since her arrival on board. Her face wasn't as drawn.
They talked little. He told her they were coming up to an M Class planet and aimed to take shore leave if they could. He also wanted to do a little trading.
"If we do get to take shore leave, would you be interested in going planet side with me?"
She had her fork raised almost to her mouth, suddenly she put it down and just looked at him, "I .. I don't know. Maybe if it's not too crowded. I don't like crowds."
"I can go down first and scout around. Maybe I can find a park or somewhere that we could have a picnic, like we use to do."
She smiled as she remembered some of their picnics, "I'd like that!"
"I'll let you know, once I check it out."
They sat in silence for awhile. "Chakotay, thank you for listening to me last night. I needed to tell you what happened. I knew you wouldn't condemn me and say that I asked for it."
"Kathryn, did anyone say that to you?"
"One of the nurses at the hospital."
"Someone should kick her rear. No woman asks to be treated like that. And, no decent man would treat a woman like that. Only an animal would!"
"When we're finished eating, can we go to Sandrines?"
"Yes, we can go." he grinned.
"I want to dance, if I don't lose my nerve. But, just with you. No one else. I'm not ready for that."
"That's fine. But, you know, none of the old crew would hurt you. And, the few new people seem very good. I doubt if any of them would either."
"In my heart I know that, but my brain sometimes doesn't"
"Hopefully, you'll get over it by the time we get to our destination. I will be by your side during all the negations as long as you want me to be."
"I want you there beside me, Chakotay. I feel so much safer with you around."
They ate some more. They enjoyed their food and each others company. They were familiar enough with each other, that they didn't need to constantly have a conversation.
When finished, they walked to Sandrines. As they entered they notice the usual people in there. Although, there was a couple of the new Fleeters in there as well.
They picked a table against the wall, and he ordered the wine. They sat and watched the dancing. Finally after a couple of dances, she stood and held out her hand. He took her hand as he stood. Slowly they made their way to the dance floor. Several people gave him the thumbs up.
Tom made sure a couple of slow songs played, one after the other. Chakotay took her lightly in his arms and they danced. They danced the way they had always danced on Voyager. They both kept smiling at each other. He wanted to draw her close, but knew better. She could only take so much at one time.
Tom watched them close. Leaning over to Belanna, he said in a low voice, "Beginning to look like old times!"
"Thank goodness. This has been killing Chakotay. He loves her so much."
"I just hope it works out for both of them. What happened to her takes a long time to live with. You never get over something like that."
"She's always been a strong woman!"
After a couple of dances, Kathryn and Chakotay left Sandrines. They went back to her quarters. She didn't invite him in. Instead, she said, "It was a wonderful night, Chakotay. I'm tired. I want to go in to bed. I hope you don't mind not coming in."
"No, I don't mind. You need your rest. You did good this evening," he wanted to lean towards her and kiss her. Instead, she went in and as the door closed he walked away.
Arriving at the planet, they took up a standard orbit. Chakotay had already talked with the Prelate there and had set up a trade agreement. The first day, he went down to the planet with Belanna and Mike. Soon they had a trade agreement all worked out. Belanna and Mike returned to the ship. Chakotay got directions to a park he wanted to check out.
On his way to he park, Chakotay was attacked. Four men came out of nowhere and jumped him. He was robbed and beaten badly. When they left him in some bushes, he was barely conscious, but was able to contact Voyager for a beam out to sickbay.
Tuvok contacted Ludeema. They needed to tell Kathryn. They decided that Ludeena would tell her. Tuvok gave her a list of his injuries.
As soon as Ludeema entered Kathryn's quarters, Kathryn knew something was wrong.
"What is it?"
"Captain Chakotay was attacked on the planet today."
Kathryn got very pale. She sat down on the couch. "No, this can't be happening. No."
"Commander Tuvok said that while the injuries were severe, he'll recover in time."
"What injuries does he have?"
"Broken ribs, broken legs and arms, some internal injuries."
"I need to go see him."
"Do you want me to go with you?"
"No, I need to do this alone." She got up and started for the door. Suddenly she turned around and looked at Ludeema, "I love him. More than anything in this world, I love him. I need to tell him that."
She hurried down to sickbay. Entering, she saw the EMH standing over Chakotay's biobed. No one else was in sickbay.
When the EMH saw her, he came towards her.
"Admiral, he'll be alright in a couple of days. Go back to your quarters and rest."
"You of all people, Doc, would know that isn't the way he or I handles things. I'm going to sit with him awhile."
"Just don't overtire yourself. I'm turning myself off. Let me know if you need me."
She nodded and walked over to Chakotay. His eyes were closed. She reached down and took his hand in hers. He opened his eyes.
"Hi, there!"
"I'm here to make sure you're okay."
"I will be. You need to go rest."
"My place is here. Here with the man I love more than anything."
He smiled, "I love you too."
"I know. I've known for years." She bent over and kissed him on the lips. "Being the way we were before is not enough, Chakotay. I want more for us. Can you accept me the way I am?"
"I would accept you anyway you are. I love you, Kathryn."
"It's not enough being the way we are now. When you're well, Chakotay, I want you to make love with me. I want you to take away all the bad I feel and replace it with your love. "
"I will when you say you're ready. I'll never hurt you, Kathryn. I promise!"
They looked into each others eyes, both more content than they had been in years. They finally had reached the same point in their lives together.
The End