Sonny's POV
The moment I look into his eyes I almost unconsciously lean forward a little bit. I don't even realise that the way I look at him is a silent encouragement, a wordless confirmation that I missed him too. The way my lips part ever so slightly must tell him what I am thinking about. The way his left hand grabs my face and the almost wild touch of his lips against mine is enough to make me lose myself for just a moment and I kiss him back without restraint. But suddenly I feel the ring around my finger and I pull back.
"What are you doing here…?"
He talks about his shoulder and surgery, and before I know it he is kissing me again and I cannot ignore the rush of memories washing over me. The rattling of the door is enough to startle him though, and as so many times before I cover for him, keeping his secret safe. While I make up how I kicked the door shut, I realise this is just a vivid reminder of why I walked away from him, why I decided he and I could not have a future together. Leaving him was a rational decision and it took me a long time to glue the pieces of my heart back together. It was a decision based on his inability to come out to the world, and I made it despite loving him more than I thought I could love anyone. When he leaves the room his eyes beg me:
"We could spent some more time together…"
And then he is gone and I feel torn and confused. His taste on my lips and the smell of his aftershave cloud my mind and I remember how we parted a few years ago.
"So is this all we will ever have?"
"Sonny… I'm sorry but…"
I don't let him finish his apology as I have heard it all before.
"No… you know what? I don't want to hear another crappy explanation…"
I turn around towards the door but before I can reach it he is standing in front of me, almost desperately grabbing my wrists:
"Please…"
He is so close to me it is hard to think straight and eventually I just look down and mumble:
"Let me go."
His grip on my arms only tightens and he pleads:
"Just until my career is over… I cannot be the gay baseball player… you know… I just, I love you and I love baseball…"
I feel myself lean into his touch until my forehead touches his chest. His strong arms curl around me and I take a few deep breaths to stop myself from crying. Then I pull back and look into his eyes:
"I don't want to live a hidden live… I hate secrets… I came out because I believe there is no need to be ashamed of who I am and how I want to live my life…"
I bite my bottom lip and then I continue while I feel my heart breaking inside my chest:
"I cannot be with someone who wants to hide me… us… from the world. I'm sorry…"
I quickly move past him, and once the door is closed behind me I feel a warm tear finding its way down my cheek.
(…)
I take a deep breath before I open the door. When I walk into his room I see his eyes light up, and he tries to stand up from his bed. I shake my head:
"That's OK…"
He does sit up though and for a moment we just look at each other. The intensity in his eyes is almost too much for me so I try to start a light conversation:
"Shoulder feeling OK?"
He nods and I try to come up with any other harmless topic but he is the first to speak:
"You look good…"
I feel a blush coming up and he smiles softly:
"I hear you own a business."
"Yeah…"
Within an introduction I decide to just tell him what I came to say. I hold my hand up to show him the ring around my finger:
"I'm with the person I am supposed to be with for the rest of my life…"
His stare is intense and then he moves towards me a bit while saying:
"I don't believe that for a second…"
He stands up and I just cannot move. His body aligns with mine and he pulls my face against his shoulder while his muscular arms wrap me up against his chest. I feel the warmth of his breath while he whispers:
"I don't believe it…"
I don't have the strength in me to resist his hug and my arms curve around his waist. I feel my body relax against his and for a moment I forget all about the present and feel as though we are just twenty years old and head over heels in love with each other.
"I missed you."
His voice brings me back to reality and finally I pull away:
"I'm married, Paul… I moved on."
A pained look crosses his face for a second and then he mumbles:
"So you married your second choice."
For a moment I don't know what to say, for a moment I have to think about that. I cannot instantly deny it so I just say:
"You were no longer an option…"
"That was your decision."
"Do you really think we would have been happy hiding everything we shared for years and years?"
He looks down and I take a deep breath while massaging my forehead with my fingers.
"I didn't come here to fight."
His hand reaches out and holds my hand in his:
"You still do that…"
"Do what…?"
"Rub your forehead as if you can massage your brain…"
"Sorry."
"No… I missed that…"
I pull away:
"Stop saying you missed me…"
"Then stop doing all the things I like about you."
My shoulders drop and I sigh deeply. I reach for the doorknob mumbling:
"This was a mistake."
But before I open the door and leave he says:
"Sonny… it' not that I didn't love you."
I turn towards him, unable to hide the glistening tears in my eyes:
"I know… that is the worst part."
(…)
The moment I come home I decide to take a long hot shower. The warm water massages my tense muscles and with a sigh I close my eyes. I quickly open them again when I see a memory flash before my eyes of a naked Paul walking into the shower cabin, wasting no time while he pulls me into his arms. I shake my head and mumble:
"Will…"
I close my eyes and force myself to think about Will pushing me under the water while his hands go through my hair. Hands I held when I spoke my wedding vows, hands than touched me many times, hands that carry a wedding ring similar to mine. You married your second choice. You married you second choice. You married your second choice. I keep hearing Paul's voice in my head and with a pounding heart I ask myself out loud:
"Did I?"
I stop the water and just stand lean against the wall, trying to find an answer. Did I marry Will because Paul was no longer an option? Would I have married Paul if he would not be hiding himself from the world? My brain is going a hundred miles an hour and I feel a headache coming up. Soon I curl up on the couch, hoping to sleep soundly, but the moment I fall asleep I dream about what could have been.
"Are you sure?"
"I love you Sonny… I will do anything for you… and I don't want to hide you… or myself, for that matter."
His eyes sparkle and I feel my heart burst with happiness. For almost a year now we have had a secret relationship and all this time I have wanted for us to be able to share our love with the world. Today, finally, he told me he is ready. But I have to ask, just to be sure:
"What about baseball…? What about your career?"
"They can like it or hate it… they can accept it or throw me out…"
His hands cup my face and his thumbs stroke my cheeks with a tenderness that is almost too much to take:
"I love you."
He leans over and his lips are on mine, soft and firm at the same time, while his tongue finds it way passed my lips. My fingers softly slide over his shoulders and biceps and I feel how I press myself against his body.
With a gasp I wake up. My heart is pounding and my headache has only gotten worse. I lie back down, my eyes closed while I press the palm of my hand against my forehead. I wish I would understand my feelings right now. My fingers automatically find my phone and Will's number, but just before I dial I throw the phone away. You married your second choice? I pull a cushion against my chest and feel how two warm tears find their way down my cheeks. While emotions flow through me I whisper with a pained voice:
"Why did you let me go?"
The sting in my chest is a feeling I have been covering up for the past three years, and now it is back as strong as it was after we just broke up. Walking away from him was a rational decision, but it broke my heart. I tremble slightly from the feelings that rush through me and eventually I just lie down again, pulling the cushion closer towards me in an attempt to find comfort while his words keep echoing: You married your second choice. And with a quivering voice I mumble into the pillow:
"Perhaps I did…"
(…)
The lights are dimmed while I close down the club. Everyone has already left and it is just me. I text Will I wish he was with me and then get back to work. A knock on the door interrupts me and slightly irritated I pull the door open. My heart stops for a second and then I step aside to let him in. I am not sure what to say and luckily he fills the silence:
"They let me go today… surgery was a success and now I just have to do some intensive physiotherapy…"
I nod and ask softly:
"How did you know I was here?"
He smiles and I feel it land straight into my heart:
"Maxine, the nurse, told me this is your club."
I have to do my best to stay focused as I feel my mind wandering off to the dream I had last night. I try not to think about my break down on the couch, while I remind myself wordlessly of the promise I made this morning that I am going to focus on my husband. I walk passed Paul only to feel the warmth that is radiating from his skin.
"Sonny…"
I stand behind the bar, because for some reason I need a physical barrier between him and me. I raise my eyebrows, wanting him to say what he wants to say, and so he does:
"I know you are married… and I don't want to ruin things for you… I really don't."
I nod and smile ever so slightly. He shrugs:
"But please tell me that you feel nothing for me at all… please, I need you to say that to me…"
I look at him and try to find my voice to tell him what he wants me to say. But nothing comes out and I just stare at the floor.
"Sonny…"
I shake my head and bite my bottom lip. He just stands there, waiting for me to say something and eventually I hear the sounds of my trembling voice:
"I am so confused right now…"
The moment I realise he is walking behind the bar is the moment he is kissing me. It is just a soft and tender kiss and then he lets me go. His eyes twinkle and I feel a sudden energy that has taken a hold of him. Then he walks towards the door and just before he walks out he turns around to say:
"I will do anything… anything… to get you back…"
And then he is gone and I realise I have ruined the moment that could have fixed all of this with just a few words. If I would have just said that he didn't mean anything to me anymore he would have walked out. But because I hesitated and eventually shared my feelings with him, I made a mess of everything. A sudden bleep from my phone tells me I have a message. It is Will:
'Wish I was there too… I would turn the music up and slow dance with you until we are too tired to stand up… I love you.'
His message makes me feel worse as I realise I am not a very good husband at the moment. I just push the phone in my pocket and finish the rest of my work. I do put the music on quite loud, just to drown out any thoughts I could possibly have. And I softly sing along with Katy Perry, not sure whether I am singing about Will leaving to go to Hollywood or about Paul choosing his baseball career over me:
"In another life I would make you stay, so I don't have to say you were the one that got away."
If this story is appreciated (so let me know via your reviews) I can turn this into a multi chapter story. Obviously, Sonny can choose either Will or Paul and I am very curious what you would like to see!