Pee S4
"Okay, I've got the paint," Meatwad said as he rolled into the living room from the hallway with a bucket of blue paint trailing behind him. "What's the sigil look like? I'll need a reference."
Shake sighed in exasperation as he continued his quest to find something watchable on television from the comfort of his recliner.
"It doesn't matter. Just draw whatever. Get creative," Shake said.
"Now hold on. Them paranormal investigators on the Discovery channel said that it does matter how you draw the sigil," Meatwad said.
"They are just trying to make it hard for you to do it at home so you have to buy their books. A demon is a demon, okay? I don't want to hear another word about it and if I do, you're no longer a part of our deal. Got it?"
"Okay."
"Good. Tell me when you're finished."
Meatwad set the paint can down, opened it, and put an arm inside the can. He then drew a basic smiley face and decided to spice it up with two pentagrams for cheeks and a short goatee since he had come to associate such features with evil people.
"There we go," Meatwad said. "All done. I even put my heart into it."
"Let's see how you did, Picasso," Shake said.
Shake got up from his seat and kicked the recliner into the television stand. The recliner, stand, and television exploded simultaneously. Shake bent over to examine the sigil for a moment and then stood up straight.
"I guess this will pass, but if you think you can get through the whole semester with work like that, you've got another thing coming," Shake said.
"Do you need me to go find some candles?"
"No, that bloody juice you squirt on everything should be enough to get us going."
Shake managed to produce a book bound in human flesh from nowhere and held it above the circle.
"Watch and observe the master summoner at work. Come forth, demon!" Shake shouted.
"Aid us in our quest to rob a bank so that we can get enough money to buy a Playstation 4!" Meatwad added.
Shake stood still and did nothing.
"Are you the master summoner?" Shake asked Meatwad.
"Well, no, but I - "
"Then why are you interrupting my ritual with your ignorant ramblings?"
"I thought you were going to say why you wanted to summon the demon before you did so that you could let the demon know why we're bothering it. I was just trying to be polite."
"Meatwad, you can't be polite to a demon. It will just walk all over you if you do."
"I suppose you're right. I guess that's why you're the master summoner."
"Exactly. You have a lot to learn. Here we go. Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary!"
Shake tossed the book into the circle, where it erupted into a flame that rose high enough to scorch the ceiling. The room started shaking. Lights went out. It became dark outside even though it was the middle of the afternoon.
"All right! I think we might have hit the jackpot here!" Shake said.
The commotion slowly subsided until a platypus wearing a diaper and a shower cap stood in front of them. The eyes of the creature were a size too large, yellow, and punctuated by red irises.
"Hey, ya'll!" the demon shouted in a familiar high pitched voice. "What's happening? It's been a long time. How have you guys been doing since the movie?"
"Well, everything was going quite well until you showed up, thanks for asking," Shake replied.
"MC Pee Pants, is that you?"
"That it is, but they don't call me that no more back in the hood because I finally managed to earn my place in hell! My boys call me Stulte, but I guess you guys can still call me MC."
"Yeah, we'll put a scratch and sniff sticker on your report card. You're an abomination. Are you even a real demon?" Shake asked.
"Of course I am! Look up here at the top of my head. Can't you see my horns?"
MC lifted his shower cap to show them his horns.
"Them is cat ears," Meatwad said.
"Did you pick those up at the novelty aisle?" Shake asked.
"Come on, did you call me up here just so that you could insult me? You're lucky I showed up at all. Where's the incense? Where's the gift? Where's the respect?"
"Oh, well, you see, you have to earn those things!" Shake said. "Do you think Kirk became captain of the Enterprise just because he showed up on the first day? You're already off to a bad start. Instead of standing around here whining about what you don't have, why don't you go do what we want you to do?"
"And what you want me to do is steal four hundred dollars from a bank, correct?"
"Don't forget tax," Meatwad said.
"How much is tax in Seattle?" Shake asked.
"That's funny. You think I know? Tell him to go get a million dollars just to be safe. That should be just enough for the system, two games, a bottle of Code Red Mountain Dew, and a bag of Dorito's."
"Listen to yourselves!" MC exclaimed. "Rob a bank? That's not how this works, homie."
"Don't you dare tell me that, I did not steal a book from the library for nothing!" Shake shouted.
"Did you read that book?" MC asked.
"If people as busy as me had the time and energy to sit down and read, Amazon wouldn't be burning through money trying their hardest to make it easier than breathing!"
"Look, I am not the right demon to talk to when it comes to blessing someone with the luck to acquire a large amount of cash in a short period of time. I am more of a creative familiar. If you want to make a song that will get you a million dollars in a year, than I'm your muse. If not, you need to talk to Clauneck. I can get you his sigil, but be warned. He might not be as receptive to your personality as I am."
"When at any point in your life did you not work at a job where you were required to do something that you didn't sign up for? If you can't get me a million dollars in the next hour, I want to talk to your supervisor right now!"
MC cast a worried look at the floor for a moment.
"Now hold on a minute. You don't have to go and do that," MC said nervously.
"Oh, what's this? Is this your first day out of training? That's perfect. Go get your supervisor, I'm done talking to you."
"Fine! I'll get your money."
"Don't forget to bring us back two games," Meatwad said.
"Thanks for the reminder. I don't know how I'd manage to live with myself if I forgot something you didn't bring up until now. What games do you want?"
"I wanna play as Sigourney Weaver's daughter in Alien Isolation!" Meatwad exclaimed excitedly.
"I want the Master Chief Collection. It's not out yet, but I'm pretty sure Gamestop has it in the back. You're a demon, you can figure it out."
"Wait a second, aren't we supposed to be getting a Playstation 4?" Meatwad asked. "Master Chief is on the Xbox One."
"Guess who just lost their privileges to play my Playstation 4!"
"Oh, no. I hope it wasn't me."
"Hope is a paper boat without a bottom, friend. I was talking about you. Better luck next time, Meatwad. Enter your initials and don't do drugs."
"But I was the one that drew the sigil!"
"Congratulations! When I get my PS4, you can have my Atari 2600."
"That system is technically obsolete."
"And you're wondering why I went to such extreme lengths to get a new system because?"
"But. . .but. . .I'm telling!"
Meatwad rolled out of the living room.
"Boy, you in trouble now," MC said.
"Not in as much as you're going to be in when I sit down and have a chat with Satan about your poor attitude, I assure you."
"Okay, okay. I'm sorry. I'll back you up on this."
"You most certainly will, but don't think it's going to earn you any points. You're already in hot water. Your performance from this point forward will dictate how much of your dignity you will get to keep when this is all over."
Frylock came floating out with Meatwad a moment later.
"Meatwad, if you keep hiding behind people who are stronger than you, you will never grow as a person," Shake said.
"What's this all about, Shake?" Frylock asked.
"For your information, I am trying to make us some money here. I'll admit that I do have to steal a little bit to achieve that goal because there is no way I'll ever be able to get a loan. You know that."
"How are you going to make money playing video games?" Frylock demanded.
"By being so good at them that people will want to watch me play them. You see, I'm a professional gamer. Always have been. Thanks to the Internet, this is a skill that could earn us some cash through YouTube ad revenue. Maybe then we could finally stop pilfering food from the grocery store."
"If this was even going to work, it would just be something you would eventually get bored with and quit like everything else you've tried to do with your life."
"How do you know that? You don't. Just because I do one thing, one time, doesn't mean that I'll do the same thing again some other time. Order and chaos are forever entwined, my friend. You can thank Dupre for keeping it that way."
"Yeah!" MC interjected. "Besides, every time you buy a Playstation 4, Sony donates some money to the Fukushima cleanup effort. That's something that helps the entire planet, yo. Master Shake just isn't thinking about himself. He's thinking about everybody."
"Even if that were true, you would be using stolen money to do that," Frylock said.
"Who cares where the money comes from, Fryman?" MC countered.
"You should, because you're not going to get a million dollars out of a bank."
There was a moment of silence as confusion gripped Frylock's audience.
"Say what, now?" MC asked.
"Most banks rarely have more than a hundred thousand dollars in them. Everything is bought with credit these days."
"Is a hundred thousand dollars enough for a PS4?" Shake asked.
"Don't forget tax," Meatwad interjected.
"It would be, but good luck getting your friend over there to get it," Frylock said. "If a demon could rob a bank for somebody, everybody would be using them."
"People are scared of demons," Shake said. "Fear beckons us back to comfort. Most people don't have the balls to do something like this because they're afraid that they will get hurt. Me? I don't stand next to the lake and worry about drowning because I have swimming to do. You want something, you take it. No exceptions. What are you, my son? It's true that it is unconventional for a demon to rob a bank, but unless this grotesque freak wants to be a fly again, he's going to figure out a way to do so in the next five minutes."
"Maybe I shouldn't have gotten this promotion," MC muttered bitterly.
"Can't you just watch other people play games on YouTube, Shake?" Frylock asked.
"What, on your computer? The same one that can't run Windows Vista, and crashes when you try to load three GIF's at once? The very same computer that's hooked up to the Internet on dial-up with the modem you have to switch on just the right way if you expect to get more than thirty kilobits a second out of it? You know, you should get out of your room more often instead of sitting there for six hours waiting for your computer to load ten seconds of porn."
Frylock sighed.
"Hear that?" Shake asked MC. "That's the sound of him losing the argument."
"You're going to let Meatwad play, Shake," Frylock said.
"Why? It's my PS4."
"Technically, it would be the governments' Playstation 4 since they insure the money you're stealing."
"No, Frylock, you're wrong," Meatwad said. "It would be the Federal Reserve's money because they own the government."
Everyone looked at Meatwad in shock.
"You're right. Where did you learn that?" Frylock asked.
"Learn what?" Meatwad asked with a smile.
"Wow, that went far. Look, this is all very fascinating, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm not going to let him near my PS4," Shake said. "Can you imagine what would happen if he tried to use the touch screen on the controller? It would immediately short out."
"If you do not let Meatwad use the Federal Reserve's Playstation 4, I am going to lock my computer with a password so you can't use the Internet," Frylock said.
"Hah! The Playstation 4 lets you browse the Internet!" Shake said.
"You'll need a cable modem or a wireless connection."
"I can steal Internet from Carl!"
"He hid his network, locked it with a password, and has his router set to reject any connections that do not have the correct MAC address."
"It can be hacked!"
"Probably, but not with a Playstation 4."
Shake grimaced and tried to think of a way out of the situation, but could not.
"Fine, but if he breaks my controller, I'm going to call Agent Cooper and tell him that he killed Laura Palmer," Shake said.
"No, don't do that!" Meatwad shouted in fear. "I saw her in Backbeat! She's not dead!"
"Meatwad, Agent Cooper is a fictitious character. He's not real," Frylock said.
"That's just downright depressing," Meatwad said.
"Now that we have managed to settle this, let's get on to the next matter of business. MC, you've been very quiet throughout most of our conversation, so I know you've been using that time to think about how you're going to do what I want since you're on the clock. What do you got?"
"I'll have to possess somebody," MC said. "Do you happen to know anybody who has exceptionally weak spiritual and moral values?"
"Funny you should ask," Shake said.
"You are not dragging Carl into this," Frylock said.
"Did I say Carl, Frylock?" Shake asked.
"How stupid do you think I am, Shake?"
"Don't pretend like you don't want this to happen!" Shake shouted. "Solaris, River Raid, and Video Ouija are true classics of their respective genres, but I am tired of them. I know you want to play at least one game on the PS4. What's her name? You can tell me, I'm your friend."
A touch of concern crossed Frylock's face. He knew better than to reveal the title he was waiting for, but the corruption Shake was instilling in him was becoming too much to fight back.
"Senran Kagura Estival Versus," Frylock muttered.
"Send Run Cougar?" Shake asked. "Is that one of those first person shooters where you hunt grizzly bears that can drop kick you?"
"Yes," Frylock replied.
"You know what, it sounds like a strange Japanese game to me," MC added.
"Like one of those shows with the tentacles and the girls that sit around musical instruments that are animated better than they are that they don't even play?" Meatwad asked.
"No, it's an extreme hunting game like Shake said," Frylock insisted.
"It is one of those weird Japanese games! You're trying to cover it up by agreeing with me," Shake said.
"It all makes sense now," Meatwad said. "That's why you could speak to that creature we met a decade ago. You know, the one that really wanted a 401K plan?"
"Just make sure Carl doesn't get killed," Frylock said as he floated back to his room and slammed the door behind him.
"That leaves you plenty of wiggle room," Shake said to MC. "So, what's the problem? Why don't I have my PS4 right now?"
"Because as much as I would love to have it otherwise, I cannot just walk over to Carl's house," MC explained. "I am not a high ranking demon. He has to be inside my circle in order for me to possess him. You have either got to get him to come over here or draw my sigil around him over there."
"Yes, I am willing to hold for a supervisor," Shake said.
"I ain't playin'! I can only do so much and I am already doing everything I can. Unless you want to try and convince Satan to temporarily promote me to a top tier demon, this is the way it's going to be."
Shake sighed heavily and rolled his eyes.
"Well, I definitely don't want that because that would make you happy. How do we want to do this? Does anybody have any ideas?" Shake asked.
"We had better be careful," Meatwad said. "Carl just bought himself an AA-12 with money he got from those guys who really like sports. I seen one of them guns on the TV back before people stopped wanting to learn anything and just wanted to see other people act dumb all the time in real life like they do, but not as bad as they do, or at least not as bad as they think they do. Carl said to me last night that if we ever bother him again, we'd be blown apart so fast that we wouldn't start bleeding until the paramedics stopped by to pick up the pieces in a garbage bag."
"Then how are we going to get him to come over here?" MC asked.
"Hold on, I'll be right back," Shake said with an air of annoyance.
Shake walked outside and left Meatwad and MC in the living room on their own. Meatwad smiled; giddy to be in the same room as somebody he still looked up to as a role model.
"So, do you have any new material?" Meatwad asked.
"Not right now. I'm taking a break, but I'll be back next spring."
"What's hell like?" Meatwad asked.
"The next time you see a house on fire, run inside and try to use the bathroom."
Shake opened the door and stepped inside holding a spatula that had some steel wool glued to the end used to touch food. Two Lego bricks were near the top of the handle. One was red and the other was green.
"I have a plan," Shake said. "This is one of those things Frylock invents that I steal from him and hide in the crawl space after I burn all his notes so he stays miserable. It's a voice modulator. When I call Carl, he's going to come over pretty quick, so be ready to do your part, MC."
"I'm going to hide so he doesn't suspect anything, but I'll be around," MC said.
In an explosion of fire that sounded far too much like a fart, MC Pee Pants vanished in a cloud of black smoke.
"Are you still here?" Shake asked.
"Yes!" MC exclaimed in a disembodied voice.
"I'm just making sure."
Shake wandered over to the table they had fashioned out of a cable spool and picked up the cordless phone he had stolen at a garage sale. He held the steel wool against his lips and pressed down on one of the bumps on the green Lego block.
"Specify," a mechanical voice requested from an invisible speaker.
"Sasha Grey," Shake said.
"Recognized and accepted,"
The spatula beeped.
"Testing, testing, one-two-three," Shake said in Sasha Grey's voice.
He then dialed Carl's number. The number to their house was known to many people. Debt collectors had it memorized. Fast food delivery services deliberately ignored it, as did Carl. Shake's call eventually went to the answering machine, which was no longer personalized after he had received a court order forcing him to change it.
"Hey, Carl! This is Sasha Grey! Pick up the phone!" Shake said, his voice still masked.
The line clicked as Carl picked the phone off the receiver.
"Is this for real?" Carl asked.
"Yeah! I'm right next door. After I heard that Tera was here, I just couldn't resist the opportunity to party with these boys myself!
Before anything more could be said, the front door flew open with force that it broke off one hinge. Carl stood in the doorway. It was a miracle that he hadn't arrived naked. The smile he wore on his face quickly turned into a frown when he noticed that Sasha was nowhere to be seen. Shake dropped the spatula and the phone on the ground where they exploded and disintegrated.
"Hello, Carl! How nice of you to drop by. I was just ordering some anchovy pizza to help set the mood," Shake said.
"I friggin' knew it. She ain't here, is she?" Carl asked.
"She's just in the bathroom freshening up," Meatwad replied.
"What, she's down in the hole in your hallway underneath the house? I don't think so. Sasha's too classy for that type of thing," Carl said.
"Do you see that circle?" Shake asked.
"Yeah, it looks like a tattoo you'd get at a Black Sabbath concert after you had too much to drink."
"Sasha told me to tell you that she wanted you to stand there," Shake said.
"Hold on, let me go get my new shotgun. I think Sasha would love to see it. You can tell her that I told you to tell her that," Carl said.
"Carl, that's where we're going to take our commemorative photo for our scrapbook," Shake said. "I want this to be a tasteful picture. None of us need you holding your shotgun in the air like Rambo. That's going to ruin the warmth of the setting. Furthermore, anybody who sees you holding a shotgun in that picture is going to automatically know that you have a very small penis. Is that what you want?"
Carl's confidence faltered. This was possibly his only chance to sleep with somebody that he would rank above a two out of ten and he could not afford to ruin it.
"I guess I'll play along for now, but if you're jerkin' me around again, you can help me test out some of the shells I got loaded up with Dragon's Breath," Carl said.
The moment Carl stepped inside the circle. He began having a violent seizure. Instead of falling to the floor, he levitated a few inches above the ground. A black mist rose up from the center of the circle and began entering his mouth. This process went on for far longer than what seemed necessary. When the tail of the mist finally disappeared down Carl's heavily scarred esophagus in search of his soul, he stopped convulsing. The unseen force that had his body in its grips finally lowered him to the green carpet.
"Are you good to go?" Shake asked MC.
"I'm settling in right now, give me a minute," Carl said in his own voice.
No evident physical changes had occurred to Carl as a result of his demonic possession, but his accent had diminished. He also spoke faster and with more inflection. Aside from that, it was difficult to tell that MC had taken control of him.
"Wait, something isn't right!" MC shouted.
MC collapsed to his knees and grabbed his belly with both of his hands.
"What's going on? There's an incredible pain in my side!" MC exclaimed.
"That's probably your appendix," Shake said.
"He walked over here feeling like this? It's like somebody stuck a knife in my gut."
"You have to feel what he feels?" Meatwad asked.
"Yes. That keeps me from doing anything stupid," MC explained.
He stood up on his feet.
"Do you have access to all of his memories?" Shake asked.
"Not right now, but I have some of them," MC replied.
"Quick, what's his biggest fear?"
"The only thing that really stands out on his list of fears is that he's going to have to live next door to you guys for the rest of his life," MC said.
"Good! I can work with that!" Shake said.
"I can use Carl's memories to get around town easily enough. I just need to go get his car keys."
"Take these spares I had made," Shake said as he took a small ring of keys from an unseen pocket and tossed them to Carl.
"Thanks. I'll be back in an hour or so."
"Finally! You know, I'm almost depressed that your shortcomings are going to have to come up in your review. Remember, stay positive. You don't want to dig your hole any deeper." Shake said.
"Yeah, I'll keep that in mind," MC said as he left the house.
MC walked funny for a minute until he finally adjusted to Carl's gait. Now that he was away from Shake he could finally hear himself think. There was no chance that Satan would take pity on him for being unable to satisfy Shake, but if he gave up now it would be much worse for him to earn his rank back. He had decided that he wasn't going to rob a bank for them since that would require too much work. Carl had plenty of credit cards and MC knew which of them were not maxed out.
The front door to Carl's home was already open since he had neglected to close it. MC directed Carl inside and towards the stairwell. Taking the steps leading to Carl's bedroom was an excruciating experience. He moved slowly. Carl had left his wallet out in the open on his dresser since he had never had any luck hiding it from thieves. MC carried it in one hand and walked outside to his car. He had never driven a vehicle in his life, but Carl's questionable skills were at his disposal. After 2 Wycked started, he was on his way to the mall.
X
Three cops tailed MC for a few blocks while he made his way to the mall. One even flashed her lights, but sped by laughing while MC was pulling over. He drew many looks as he made his way through the building in Carl's usual attire and began to realize that the funny smell that kept creeping up on him was indeed coming from Carl's body. The only time Carl stopped by Gamestop was when he needed to ridicule people he deemed beneath him until security came to the rescue.
Wandering inside, he received a grimace from the clerk behind the counter that was clearly a sign of recognition. He immediately reached for the phone.
"Hey, hold on!" MC exclaimed. "I'm not here to insult you today! I came here to buy some things!"
Carl had used that line in the past to move in for the kill. MC hastily dug out Carl's credit card and slammed it on the counter to show that he was serious just as the clerk, a man named Patrick, got through to security. Patrick slammed the phone down on the receiver, arched an eyebrow, and waited patiently to see how Carl was going to follow this up.
"I need a Playstation 4, Alien: Isolation, and the Master Chief Collection."
"I thought video games were the reason people like me worked minimum wage jobs well into our thirties," Patrick said.
"I really hate my nephew. I want to ruin any chance that he has at a successful future by brainwashing him with vibrant colors and bright flashes."
"Yeah, that sounds like something you would do. You do know that the Master Chief Collection is an Xbox One game and that it won't play on the PS4, right?"
"My nephew needs to learn to research the things that he wants before acquiring them or he'll never be able to buy a used car without getting swindled."
Patrick stared Carl right in the eye for a solid minute before continuing.
"What happened to your voice?"
"I have a cold. It's really bad, homie. I mean, man. Sir. Patrick. Sir Patrick, sir, man. Sorry, that's the DayQuil talking."
"You've been possessed by a demon, haven't you?"
"What? No. What are you talking about? You're acting crazy over here, cut it out."
"I can see the sigil behind your eyes," Patrick said.
"That's a thing? Wait, no! Shut up! Whether or not I am possessed is none of your concern. Would you just do your job? I am in a hurry."
"While I would love to get back at Carl for everything he has said to me by giving you what you have asked for, I don't want him to come back and return the items after you leave his body, imp."
"I'll eat the receipt right here in front of you if you would just please get moving!"
"If you can pay the full price in cash, I might consider it."
MC opened up Carl's wallet and found eight one hundred dollar bills. Carl's recent good fortune had a lot to do with the Cardinals beating the Rams, but he would never admit to it. MC handed the money over to Patrick, who immediately began examining the bills.
"You get Monopoly money often?" MC asked.
"All the time."
"Please don't tell me he's loaded up with fake cash."
"Nope. These are all legitimate. There's just one problem. The Master Chief Collection doesn't come out for another week."
"I know you got it in the back and that you have already given a few copies to your close friends. If you go get it right now and let me have it, you can keep what's left over and consider it a tip for your exceptional customer service."
"Fine. It's not like you're going to be able to play it anyway."
Patrick retrieved the items MC had requested, piled them on the counter, and rang them up on the register. MC forced Carl to eat the receipt the moment it was handed to him while Patrick filmed it on his smart phone.
"I don't suppose you could help me carry those out to my car?" MC asked. "My appendix is about to pop like a balloon."
"Mark!" Patrick shouted.
An oddly familiar looking gentleman wearing a Jedi robe appeared from the back room.
"Help this man carry his bags to his vehicle."
"We're in the middle of a scene, Pat!"
"Do you want two paychecks or just one?"
"Well, since you put it that way, okay."
"What's going on?" MC asked. "Is that who I think it is?"
"You ask too many questions," Mark said, waving his hand in a circle.
"I do ask too many questions. Let's get out of here."
X
"Stardate 3451.9," Meatwad said to himself as he sat alone in his room covered by a cardboard box. "This is Amanda Weaver. The alien is in the vicinity. Little does it know that I have finally acquired a weapon that can actually kill it. The Auto Nine. I tip over a vending machine and pull the fire alarm to attract it to my current position. Soon the nightmare will be over. Doot, doot, doot! Random encounter! Preemptive strike! Amanda Weaver takes aim at alien with Auto Nine,"
Meatwad lifted the box for a moment to give himself some light and rolled a steel D20. The number three popped up.
"Ten plus five is only four. Amanda, what are you doing? The recoil of the Auto Nine is too much. Only one bullet hits the alien, dealing eleven points of damage. Alien uses tail whip!"
He rolled a beige D10, which landed on the number two.
"Natural fifty! Alien stabs Amanda through the face. Player one loses again. Reload checkpoint? Sure, why not?"
Meatwad set the box down, plunging himself into darkness.
"Loading. Loading. There is no shame in running from a fight you cannot win. Loading. Loading."
He was interrupted when Frylock picked up the box.
"What are you doing?" Frylock asked.
"Don't mind me. I'm just playing Alien: Isolation with these geek dice all by myself in my own imagination since I might not get a chance to otherwise," Meatwad said.
"It doesn't sound like it's going to well."
"Yeah, I better drop it down to easy mode or I won't have this game beat by the time Monday comes around and I have to go back to work."
"Why are you underneath this box?"
"It helps with the immersion."
Their conversation was interrupted by a commotion in the living room.
"It's about time!" Shake shouted. "You're hourly, aren't you?"
Meatwad and Frylock entered the living room to see what was going on. MC had just arrived. He set the bags down next to the recliner, which had been replaced in the past hour, just like the television Shake had been watching.
"I took some of the pills Carl had in his medicine cabinet so that he will pass out shortly after I leave his body," MC explained through Carl. "That should give you about three hours of fun until you have to deal with him."
"What bank did you rob, buddy? I've been watching the news since you left and I haven't heard anything about a robbery," Shake said.
"I robbed the bank down on eighth, but I accidentally robbed it so hard that they can't show it on television. They only had two grand in the cash drawer and that was just enough to cover what you wanted."
"I really wish the current state of the American economy was something I could blame you for. Now get out of my face and bring me somebody I can speak with about your miserable attitude."
"You know what, I don't even care," MC said. "I had a lot of time to think while I was driving and I decided being Satan's personal DJ is better than dealing with people like you. If you wanna talk to Satan, summon him yourself. Good luck! You'll need it. Peace out, cup."
MC positioned Carl in the middle of the circle. The lights dimmed. Carl opened his mouth and the black mist that made up MC's essence exited Carl's body with enough force to throw him against the wall. The mist vanished into the carpet. When it was all over, Carl fell to the floor on his side, breathing shallowly.
"I'm gonna break that PS4 over your head when I come down off this high, Shake," Carl said.
"I already have that taken care of," Shake said. "While you were out, I ran next door and used your Internet since I no longer have that library book. This time, I'll conjure a proper demon to do my bidding."
"You can forget about me drawing you another sigil," Meatwad said.
Shake produced a sheet of paper despite not having pockets.
"Guess what? You're job has been phased out by technology. I printed this sigil on top of some Iron Maiden lyrics. That should cause it to become active the moment I set it down on the ground."
"Don't you think that you should quit while you're ahead?" Frylock asked.
"Nope!"
Shake set the piece of paper face down on the floor right next to Carl. An owl with grotesquely long chicken legs wearing an ornate crown on the top of its head appeared in a burst of blue fire that ignited Carl. Frylock quickly fetched his fire extinguisher and put him out while Meatwad slapped furiously at the flames eating away at his sweat pants.
"Who dares to call upon Stolas?" the creature demanded.
"You had better watch your tone, pal. I am already extremely upset by the service I received from Stulte. Before I tell you why I conjured you, I would like to review my experience with him."
"You're talking to the wrong demon. I assist people with astrology, geology, and alchemy," Stolas said.
"What does that have to do with my review?"
"Nothing."
"Then that's about how much you're worth right now, isn't it?"
Stolas looked over at Frylock and Meatwad, who both shrugged.
"How did hell manage to stay open for over two thousand years if it's got twits like you running around in it?" Shake demanded. "The lack of professionalism all of you exhibit is amazing. I know I've only dealt with two demons, but seeing as how I have had very bad experiences with both of them I can only be led to assume that the rest of you are all like this. I could go on, but I only have three hours. Here's what I want. I need to know how I can mix something together using items only found in my backyard to create an elixir that will cause Carl to forget about the PS4 I had him buy."
A piece of paper and a feathered pin burst into existence in front of Shake.
"Very well. Before I'm able to help you, I need you to sign this," Stolas said.
"And this is what I get for not taking the time to go through all the other demons," Shake said as he signed the sheet of paper that vanished in a plume of smoke the moment he had scrawled his name on it. "What was that anyway?"
"A contract."
"For what?"
"Your soul."
Shake and Stolas disappeared in a burst of fire. Carl was ignited again, but Frylock and Meatwad were ready for that this time. After putting out the fire, they stood around silently for a moment. Both of them wondered if hell could contain Shake. It soon became clear that he would not be coming back for a while and they finally started to relax. Meatwad smiled.
"Oh, no," Meatwad said. "Master Shake is gone."
"How will we ever come up with the money to pay his half of the rent?" Frylock asked, playing along.
"Frylock, you know we never pay any rent. Now hook up that PS4, I got me an alien to kill."