Kylo Ren was holed up in his bedroom, sitting on his Darth Vader print bedsheets and playing his beloved copy of Shadow the Hedgehog on his Nintendo Gamecube on a Saturday night as My Chemical Romance's "I'm Not Okay" blasted from his boom box. He could relate to that song a lot. He let out a weary sigh as Shadow raced across the screen. Part of his super dark and mysterious training from his master was to complete this game with the darkest and most evil ending, a feat easily accomplished by the young dark lord.
"You understand my pain." He lamented to the animated hedgehog as he controlled his movements to make him destroy his enemies. "You understand the inner turmoil and conflict."
He gazed longingly at the screen. "Oh how I wish I had a companion such as you to confide in."
"Maybe you do." Came the reply from the holoscreen before him.
Kylo blinked behind his mask. Shadow was staring back at him from behind the screen. His dark eyes piercing right through to his blackened and agonised soul.
He felt a throb in the Force, telling him that this was no vision.
"Come to me Kylo Ren, let me show you the power of the dark side."
Kylo didn't need to be told twice. The dark side was his motherfucking jam. He approached the holoscreen. Shadow was beckoning him. Enticing him to come closer, and closer.
"Chaos Control!" Shadow exclaimed as his gloved hand shot out from the screen and grabbed a fistful of his robes.
Before he could comprehend what was happening, he was already falling through the screen and into the arms of none other than that sensual beast, Shadow the Hedgehog, on the other side.
When he looked up he was standing in the ruins of the city that he had been navigating Shadow through mere moments ago.
"Holy Darth Vader's burnt-off ballsack!" Kylo exclaimed.
This was unreal.
"I hope yours isn't burned off."
Kylo whipped his head up to find himself staring into the beautiful and soulful face Shadow the hedgehog himself.
"Wow, you're even hotter in person." Kylo gasped.
"Thanks, you're not too bad yourself."
Kylo felt himself blush underneath his mask, but he shook his head. He was here to complete the mission his master had laid out for him.
"I need to defeat the final boss and get your darkest ending." He declared.
"That's why I brought you here." Shadow explained. "To conquer my true darkest ending."
With that he turned and bent down, presenting his ass to Kylo. He wiggled it for Kylo in a tantalising manner. Kylo's other 'lightsaber' ignited to full length under his robes.
"Conquer me, knight." Shadow demanded with another wag of his ass.
Kylo moved forward and made to remove his mask but Shadow rose and his hand settled over his. When he tilted his head to the side in question, Shadow merely whispered "leave it on."
The knight nodded in response and Shadow placed a gentle kiss against his mask and then sunk to his knees. He reached inside Kylo's robes and unleashed his throbbing meatsaber from within.
"Yes, this is truly a weapon worthy of unlocking my true dark ending." Shadow marvelled at the thick fleshy sword before him and opened his mouth wide to take it all in.
"Wait." Kylo stopped him.
"What is it my love?" Shadow asked.
"Safety first." Kylo pulled out his Darth Vader condoms from his robes and slipped one on.
Shadow nodded "Good thinking babe."
"That's not the best part." Kylo used the Force to turn the lights out in the street and in the inky blackness, much like Kylo's soul, his dingle dangle glowed like a real lightsaber.
Shadow licked his lips. Kylo's magnificent meatsaber glowed just like a brilliant chaos emerald. Without further ado sucked down hard on it like it was one of Sonic's chilli dogs. It was chow time.
"Oh yes." Kylo gasped. "Suck the light right out of my mighty fleshy saber."
He could feel himself getting close already. Shadow's sticky tongue worked all around his thick shaft. But no, Kylo contained himself, and reminded himself of his mission. Shadow's moist mouth was not his end game; he had a far greater foe to conquer. With great difficulty and remorse he pushed shadow back. He was ready to embrace his destiny.
Shadow regarded him with a knowing look.
"Got any lube?"
"I always come prepared." Kylo boasted and reached into his robes to reveal a small vial of ashes. "My fallen enemies. Slain by my own hands."
"That's so hot." Shadow moaned as he took the vial and sprinkled the human remains on Kylo's gigantic powerful rod of darkness. "Get that thing inside my chocolate tunnel already."
"With pleasure." Kylo grabbed him and bent him over a ruined car and thrust into Shadows tight little brown backdoor.
He could feel the darkness and the power emanating from Shadow's hot hedgehog hole. His meat sword stabbed in and in again, slaying the final boss inside. Soon all that power and glory would be his.
"I will finish what you started!" Kylo groaned as he continued to thrust his meatsaber into Shadow's tight little butthole. "I will plant my dark seed into your black hole and conquer the galaxy."
Shadow moaned loudly like a two dollar whore and just as he reached his climax his body shined with a brilliant golden hue as he became Super Shadow and his golden jizz skyrocketed out of his hedgehog dick and blew nearby enemies that had been creeping up on the occupied lovers to pieces.
Although Shadow was engulfed in light, Kylo could feel the power of the dark side flow through from Shadow's chaotic hole and into his own meatsaber.
With one final thrust he vanquished the final level within Shadow's loosened poop chute and unlocked his most secret and darkest of endings.
Shadow smiled as he began to fade away. "You did it, my love."
Kylo cried loudly like a small infant who had just been backhanded like a cheap ho by her pimp and had its sweet candy stolen from it. His eyeliner and mascara – waterproof was for pussies – flowed freely down his face as he watched Shadow disappear right in front of him. His dark seed had obliterated his Darth Vader condom and defeated both Shadow and his spikey little asshole and unlocked his true dark ending.
When he opened his eyes again, he was back in his room. Weeping softly he mourned the loss of his one true love, but revelled in the power of the dark side. He was ready at last.
"Ben, sweetie." His mother called, knocking gently on the door to his bedroom which was covered in Fall Out Boy posters. "Dinner's ready."
"Fuck off, mom!" Kylo roared at her through the door. "I'm basking in the afterglow of amazing and incomprehensible power gained from the dark side after completing my most challenging mission yet! God!"
"I made your favourite, hun." She replied. "Mac 'N Cheese."
Kylo paused for a moment. "I'll be out in a minute."
He could sense his mother leave. First he would consume his Mac 'N Cheese, and then he would conquer the galaxy in a glorious reign of terror.