A/N: I wrote it a long time ago. It starts the same as my other story but it ends more quickly.
Disclaimer: I don't own Castle.
If only.
Royce's letter got me thinking. I looked at Castle. He was sleeping peacefully next to me. I love him. I've loved him even before he went to the Hamptons with Gina. I think the time when I realized I was in love with him was when Coonan was holding Castle in hostage. It was Castle or truth about my mother's death. I chose Castle. I would always choose him.
When I looked at him I knew we would have a future together. I knew if I wouldn't have left the room after Castle's confession, something could've happened and in a way I was glad that Rick had went to his bedroom before I opened the door. It wasn't the right time yet.
At first I loved the busy lifestyle that me and Josh had, but now I feel like I need someone beside me and I know I have already find that person, but it's not Josh. I've never had that kind of need before but things about my mother's case have changed things.
Castle has been always there but Josh is always away in Japan, Haiti or any other country working. Sometimes it even feels like I am already in a relationship with Castle cause it feels so natural to be beside him every day. Most of the people who see us together for the first time think we are together. Even agent Shaw and Fallon saw it. I spend more time with Castle than Josh and I'm not against it. Castle can make me smile even when I've lost hope. All that Josh knows about my mother's death is that she died when I was 19 and that made me want to be a cop. That's all.
I would leave the things like they are with Castle until I end things with Josh.
The letter from Royce felt so heavy in my pocket. Even he saw that me and Castle belong together. I started to notice that more and more every day. I think if I wait any more then I can't hide my feelings anymore.
I watched watched him sleep peacefully as I hoped that someday he's face would be the first thing I see every morning. I've waited for this about two years now. I don't think I can wait any longer.
I can still feel his lips on mine from the only kiss we have had months ago. It was the sweetest and most passionate kiss I have ever had. I remember that I was about to shoot the guard as he wasn't buying our act, but Castle sensed what I was about to do and stopped me with crabbing my hand and pulling me into a kiss. It was unexpected. At first I was in shock but soon I relaxed against his soft and sweet lips. At that moment I realized how much I really wanted him. He pulled away too quickly from the kiss and without thinking I pulled him back to kiss him again. I forgot what we were really supposed to do until the guard snorted. I remembered, took my gun and hit him in the face with it as hard as I could. I bet that when Castle said "Amazing" he didn't meant the kick.
I was almost going to confess my feelings to Castle after the summer but he was dating his ex-wife again. It hurt to hear that and I had to find myself a distraction and that's when I found Josh.
I remember the day I broke up with Demming to be with Castle. My plan was ruined by Gina, who came to get Castle and go to Hamptons with him for the summer. In a way I'm clad that she stopped me. It hurt like hell but me and Castle weren't that close yet.
After Castle came back in fall our relationship started to get stronger. We developed a bond that's almost impossible to break. I fell in love with him even more. I almost confessed my feelings multiple times. One time was because of that actress who plays Nikki Heat in the movie. She was stealing everything from me. Even Castle. We shared too many near death experiences together. In freezer I think I almost told him I loved him but I passed out before I could to it. And the next day as we were standing in front of the bomb I took his had and looked him into the eyes with most loving look that I had. I basically told him I love him with my eyes.
When the plane landed I woke Castle up and we went home. We shared a cab riding home. Our ride was silent. As cab stopped in front of my apartment building I started to get out but Castle stopped me by taking my hand gently.
"Kate, I'm sorry. I know Royce was your friend and I know you loved him. But please don't feel guilty cause you last spoke when you arrested him." I heard concern in his voice. "If you need to talk call me."
I slowly pulled away from Castle. "Thank you. Good night."
"Until tomorrow," was Castle's answer as always. I got out of the cab and went home.
I unlocked my apartment door and found Josh standing there. He didn't look happy. He looked like he had been pacing back and forth my living room for hours. He stopped when he heard me coming.
"Where have you been?" He demanded. Oops! Looks like I forgot to tell him that I decided to go to LA. But still didn't mean that he had right to demand me around.
"I went to LA." I answered simply.
"Why?"
"I went there to solve one of my old friend's murder. You would've know it if you would've been around." I was angry and frustrated because he had been away. In Haiti. I had forgotten that he was going to come back when I was in LA. If he would've been in New York then I would've told him... maybe.
"So you went with that writer?"
"Why you think I went to LA with Rick?" I asked him. He had no right yo question me like that. He even wasn't concerned how I felt about Royce's murder.
"So, it's Rick now?" He asked with irritated voice.
"It's his name. Duh!" I answered. I was so mad at him.
"He goes everywhere with you."
"Yeah. I know. And yes I went to LA with him. But unlike him you weren't even around. You are never around." I practically screamed it in his face.
"What am I supposed to do then? Quit my job so I can wait you in home while you run around town chancing murderers with that Writer Boy." He yelled at my face.
I just laughed "You know it so funny that you call him Writer Boy. You know he has a nickname for you also. Every time he asks about you he refers to you as Doctor Motorcycle Boy. I even corrected him and told him Doctor Motorcycle 'Man' but now I think his right. You really are a boy."
He was surprised. "He asks about me?"
"Yeah. Once in a while he asks me how are you doing and how are things between us. In one day I even told him that I just was going crazy because of our relationship and then afterwards I told him that I think we might even have a chance when you didn't go to Haiti. But I think you have ruined your second chance. You still went to Haiti." He started to interrupt my speech but I wasn't finished yet so I put my hand over his mouth. "I know it's your job and you love it and I can't ask you to stop doing your job just so you could be with me. And you can't ask me to quit my job so I could come to Haiti or where ever with you. I think we are both holding each other back so I think it's best for both of us if we end this." I was clad that I finally said it. These past few moths we've constantly fought because of our jobs so now it was finally over.
"What?" He looked confused so I repleted myself.
"We. Are. Over. I don't think it's ever going to work out." I explained.
"Just like that?" He asked as he didn't get the point.
"Just like that." I answered.
"It's about Rick Castle, isn't it? I know you have feelings for him." I saw hurt in his eyes.
"It has nothing to do with Castle." I told him honestly. I wanted to be with Castle but still I didn't think it was going to work out even if there wasn't Castle in the picture.
"But you still have feelings for hm?" He asked.
I decided to be honest. "Yes. I do."
"How long?" He asked although I think he already knew the answer.
"I had feelings even before I met you. But our timing just hasn't been the best." I told him. I felt bad for using him for hiding from my feelings.
"I figured." He sighed and ran his hand through his hair. "So I guess this is it."
"Yeah." He came over to me. Put his hands on my shoulders and kissed the top of my head.
"I'm sorry for your friend and I hope you will be happy." He said into my hair and then he took his helmet and went. For forever.
As soon as door closed I broke down. Tears just kept coming. I had no idea why I was crying over this. All I could think was that now I was able to be with Castle. I loved Josh but not the way I love Rick. I can't imagine life without him. But I don't understand why it was so easy for me to break up Josh. I thought it would be harder.
I just needed someone right now to talk to. I just had to do something before it was too late again.
I crabbed my phone and dialed Castle's number.
"Hi, Kate." Castle answered with his smooth sweet voice.
"Hi." I said with a sigh. Castle heard it.
"Is everything okay?" He asked. His voice full of concern.
I dubbed for a second. Was it a good idea? I had just broken up with Josh. But I stopped myself. And said it out before I could regret my answer. "Could you come over?"
Castle didn't hesitated even for a second and said "I'll be there in 10 minutes." and hung up.
The more I thought about calling him over the more I regretted it, but there was no turning back. I had to do it before it was too late and he started to date another woman. I was afraid and almost called him not to come over but I took out Royce's letter and read the last part again.
And now for the hard part, kid. It's clear that you and Castle have something real. And you're fighting it. But trust me, putting the job ahead of your heart is a mistake. Risking our hearts is why we're alive. The last thing you want is to look back on your life and wonder if only.
I decided it was time for me to risk my heart. As Castle says: 'The heart wants the heart wants'. I checked my watch and saw that I had only five minutes left before Rick came.
I suddenly felt the need to be beautiful for Castle so I went to bathroom. I quickly combed my hair and fixed my makeup. I added a little perfume also. My eyes were a little puffy and red from my earlier breakdown but whatever I tried I couldn't hide it. And then he knocked on my door.
I took a deep breath. I felt my heart beat faster and my breath quickened. I was so nervous. I hesitated as I put my hand on door handle. I tried to calm myself down but it worked only a little. I opened the door and saw Castle standing there. He had changed his clothes and was now wearing sweats and a hoodie. He was almost always dressed in a suit. I now felt silly for trying to look good. He still looked hot despite casual clothes. I blushed at that thought.
"Hi." I said with a smile. I was now clad that I had asked him over.
"Hi." He said. I stood away from the door and let him in. He headed towards the couch. I closed the door. I stopped for a second and leaned on the door. I took a deep breath. I was still so nervous. What if he doesn't like me the way I like him? Hell no, I don't like him, I love him. Why is it so hard?
Castle looked at me. He walked back to the door. I didn't notice him until he but his hand on my shoulder and other's fingers under my chin and lifted my face up so he could look me in the eyes. "Hey? What's matter?"
I took a deep breath.
"I just broke up with Josh." I said.
"Oh, Kate." Was his answer as he pulled me into comforting hug. I immediately relaxed in his arms and just let him hold me. "Are you okay?" I nodded into his chest. "Want to talk about it now?" I shook my head.
We stood in embrace for minutes. I had my hands around his waist. His hands were around my shoulders. My head was buried into his chest. His hold was tight. I squeezed a little bit more and took a deep breath of his scent and then pulled after what felt like hours.
He still had his hands on my shoulders as he looked at me as he was waiting for tears. But I shed no more tears. I pulled away, took his hand – which surprised him – and led him to sit down on the couch. I didn't let go of his hand.
He waited for me to start talking. So I started.
"When I got home Josh was here." I saw that he flinched hearing his name. I knew he didn't like Josh but he was trying to be nice to him because of me. "He started to demand where I had been so I told him I went to LA to solve my friend's murder." I stopped and looked at Rick. He nodded for me to continue. "He didn't even ask me how I felt about it. He was angry that I went to LA with you. When we calmed down I explained him that we were just holding each other back and that it would be better if we broke up. You know it's funny I was rather relived to end this than sad."
"But you still cried. I can see that you have been crying." He was so concerned about me that it hurt me so much. He had cared so deeply about me and in the same time I had been pushing him away.
"I think I cried of guilt. I just feel so guilty for being with him and it even didn't hurt as much as I thought it would when we broke up. I just feel like I was fooling myself into this relationship so I wouldn't be alone and heartbroken while you were with Gina." There I said it finally.
His face was full of surprise. He had no idea what to do. I handed him Royce's letter. He looked at me questionably and took it.
"Read it." I said to encourage him.
He carefully unfolded the letter. It was already so fragile from all the times I'd read it. I watched his face as he read it slowly. At first there was understandment, but as he was getting to the end of the letter his face changed into something different. There was confusement. As he finished reading the letter he slowly folded it and looked at me.
"I'm tired of If only's. I want to give us a chance." His mouth fell open and there was glitter in his eyes. "Everyone sees that we have feelings for each other except us and I-" My voice was shaky. I looked down at our hands as I spoke. I stopped to take a breath and continued. "I'm tired of acting like there's nothing between us. I think I might even love you." As I said it I knew there was no chance that our relationship would go back to normal.
As I raised my head to look at him I saw that he had biggest grin on his face. He let go of my hand and took my face gently between his palms. He wiped away tears – that I hadn't notice I shed before – with his thumbs. He looked me in the eyes – his eyes full of love – and told me "You have no idea how long I've waited for you do say this, Detective." And then he closed the space between us.
His lips touched mine gently. I put my hands on his waist and pulled him closer. I deepened the kiss by parting my lips slightly. I couldn't believe that I was kissing my favorite author – because of who I stood in line for an hour once to get his latest Derrick Storm book signed – after confessing my love. My hands found their way on his chest. He let go of my face and slid his hands around my waist. I put my hands around his neck. My right hand found its way into his hair. Our kiss was gentle but full of passion and love. When we parted to breath I rested my forehead against his.
We looked in each others eyes. My only thought at that moment was 'Damn. It was even better than the first kiss. And the first kiss was fucking awesome! Why didn't I broke up with Josh that night and confessed my feelings right away? I want to do it again!' I saw in his eyes that he was thinking the same thing. We both had a huge grin on our faces.
"I love you, too" Castle's voice was sweet loving whisper. And then he kissed me again.
The End
A/N: I hope you liked it. And please review. I would love to know you opinion on it.