very bad and choppy story that came to me while trying to sleep. Figured I would share if anyone was brave enough to read this! It takes place after the season four two parter.

Beckett rubbed her tired eyes trying to get herself to focus on the tedious paper work in front of her. It was getting harder and harder to function with so little sleep. Ever since the night Sophie died and the case closed her nightmares started back up again. This time it wasn't of her shooting. No it was far worse really. Every time she closed her eyes for sleep Castle with a gun to his head always awaited her. Only most of the time nobody was there to stop the rogue CIA agent from lodging a round into the writer's head.

So many times Beckett found herself jerking away screaming Castle's name with hot tears running down her face. Every time she found herself reaching for the phone desperate to hear his voice to know that he was all right. And every time Beckett found her wits and always put the phone down. But after a week of constant nightmares, she went to reach for the phone and it rang. It seemed like Castle hadn't been able to escape the nightmares either, only his were of water and the horrors that he hadn't been fast enough to save her.

Beckett found herself a little grateful that she didn't recall too much for that experience as she didn't need two different things to haunt her sleep. The last thing she remembered was trying to search the water in hope to find her partner then waking up on the bank of the river with Castle's taste on her lips.

"That's it Kate." Castle soothes turning her on her side as the detective began to cough up the water from her lungs. He did his best to keep her sopping wet hair from her face to keep her hair way free. "Cough it up."

"Ca-." Beckett braced a hand against the grass as he body shook with gut wrenching coughs. She was freezing and felt like she had swallowed an entire fish tank. Castle's finger tips were warm on her face as he held it almost as if he was deathly afraid to let go. There was such desperation in his touch and voice. Weak, she reached her hands up and found purchase on Castle's jacket, "Are you okay?"

A smile touched his handsome face, "I'm okay." Gently, he turned to look down at her as droplets of water fell from the tips of his hair. His breath was coming in pants as his body was still process the thousand emotions that started running through him when he found Beckett not breathing. It was defiantly in the top three most terrifying moment of his life. Exhausted, he rested his forehead on hers, "We're okay."

Beckett gently pressed her palm to his cheek, taking in his warmth and comfort. Once again she owed her life to Richard Castle. The score had just been tipped into his favor.

"Hey." Castle's voice and the smell of fresh coffee brought Beckett out of the memory. The Writer was dressed casual and looked just as tired as she did. "Mother is off at the studio and the loft was to quite."

"So you decide to come and watch me do paper work?" Beckett asked accepting the coffee with a raised brow. Regardless the reason she was beyond grateful to see him, just like she was every day. It was getting harder and harder to keep her feelings and secret buried inside. "Looks like you didn't get much sleep after I left?"

Castle shook his head and took his regular sit beside her desk. A week after talking on the phone after nightmares, they had taken to seeing each other in person wither at his place or hers. Castle found it was the only way to truly assure his mind that she was actually okay. They would stay up past dawn talking about anything and everything. In the past three weeks they had grown closer when he was so sure with the whole Sophie situation the wall would have expanded ten times over. But after a couple nights Castle became an open book and answered every question that Beckett asked. "I take it you didn't either?"

"Nope and a day full of paper work isn't helping matters. All I want to do is sleep." Beckett glanced back to check the weather to see early spring showers starting to move in. "Great weather for it to."

"Have you been cooped up in here all day? Did you even have lunch?"

"No I just wanted-." Before she could finish her sentence, Beckett found herself being tugged to her feet by a now energetic Castle. "What- Castle what are you doing?"

The writer was already retrieving her jacket from the back of her chair, "Let's go take a walk before the rain comes. Some fresh air will do you good."

"I got paper work, remember I have a partner that doesn't like to do it." Beckett reminded but allowed him to drag her to the elevator.

Castle just waved it off, "It will be fine, plus Gates isn't around."

Once inside the cart, Beckett slipped into the jacket Castle held out for her. She was all too well of the way his fingers lingers on the nape of her neck and then left a trail of fire as they danced down her back. This was becoming normal for them over the last few weeks. Beckett allowed Castle to invade her personal space more and more. They both started touching one another like a hand to the small of the back, or to the arm to get attention or even finding themselves with hands linked at times. They were slowing moving into something more and for once Beckett was okay with it.

Sophie had tried to create doubts in her mind that what was between her and Castle was just nothing more than heat and once they acted on it whatever was before would be destroyed. What the woman didn't know was there was so much more than just heat between her and Castle. Beyond writer and muse. Beyond work partners. When it came down to it, they were each other's missing piece. They were best friends, each other's worst enemies at times, and each other's everything. They had spent the last four years building the foundation to a relationship that was built to last. Beckett just had to find the courage to take that final step.

"Hot dogs!" Castle once against took Beckett by the arm and dragged her down the street to the hotdog vendor outside the park.

Amused, Beckett watched Castle load two hotdogs with just about everything before they found a bench to enjoy them. They ate in silence watching the life of the city around them. School was just being let out so there were more kids then usual chasing each around or playing on the jungle gym. Of course there were your joggers and dog walkers. All of them just went on and never knew how close that their perfect little worlds came to being shattered into utter chaos.

"Alexis wants to know when you're going to stay for breakfast."

The question caught her off guard and had her chocking on her bite of hotdog. "What?" she asked after several long coughs to get her air ways clear.

"You left your jacket the other night and Alexis found it."

"Exactly what did you tell her?"

Castle shrugged as he finished off his hotdog, "Everything. I mean she was there when they pulled the car out. I kind of left out the whole being held at gun point by a Russia spy I once slept with. But I don't want to lie to her, she already had a hard time with me going back after your shooting and I know that has caused some friction between the two of you. It seems to be a little better." Castle figured it had to do with Alexis working with Lanie. The teenager spent so much time at the station now she was seeing first handed that he just didn't pretend all day. See was also seeing just how much care Beckett put into his safety. "She's concerned about the both of us not sleeping."

"That kid is far too old for her age." Beckett mumbled and she glanced to see that once again their hands had found one another. The simple touch started a fire burning in her stomach leaving her aching and wanting so much more from her partner.

At the feel of the first rain drop, Castle looked up squinting at the sky. "I was hoping it would hold of just a little longer."

"It's okay we needed it." Beckett watched as the kids began to scramble as the rain began to come down in a steady beat. She felt Castle tug at her to find cover themselves, but she just shook him off. The rain felt good especially after being cooped up behind her desk all day.

"Come on Beckett you're getting soaked." Castle tried again.

Beckett pushed to her feet to look back at Castle who was just as drenched as she was. His hair was flat and he was looking at her with that smile that made her just melt. "They say when you're about to die that your life flashes before your eyes." That had Castle's head snap up to attention. Beckett forced herself to keep her gaze on him. "All I saw was you. I saw us, Castle. Every time we've faced death; the freezer, the bomb, the car. Every time I see us."

Castle's brow furrowed, "I don't understand what you're trying to tell me."

"I remember." The words were out of her mouth before she could think twice about it.

"Remember? Rem-." Castle's voice trailed off as realization dawned on her words. His eyes darkened with the heat of anger, but his voice was flat. "How long?"

"Since the beginning." Beckett expected the anger, could deal with it.

Castle pushed his rain soaked hair from his face trying to keep his anger in check. She lied! All this time she knew and she kept him in the dark. Before he went flying off the handles he had to know why. "You've been lying to me this entire time." Castle couldn't keep the hurt from his voice. "Why?"

"Because I'm-." Beckett sunk her teeth into her lips to gather her courage. For the first time possibly in her entire life she was going to just strip herself bare and let everything out. "I'm terrified. I'm terrified that I'm going to lose you, that I'm going to mess this up and it's going to take away the one thing that I can't live without. That's you Rick. In the last four years you've become my best friend, my rock, my constant. I've been so screwed up and broken over something that happened nearly twenty years ago that I don't know who I am without. You've made me see that I'm more then my mother's murder. I nearly lost you Castle. I watched that woman put a gun to your head and all I could think was I couldn't stop it. There was nothing I could do to stop her. To save you. I know you're angry and you have every right to hate me for it, but please don't walk away from me. I don't care how long it takes, I'll wait for you to forgive me because you've waited for so long. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Tears were flowing now and she couldn't seem to get anything else out as Castle just stood there almost motionless in the pouring rain looking like he had just been hit by a train. This wasn't how she saw this going. Well she didn't know what to really expect, but it wasn't this. "Please say something."

"I'm mad." He felt the tears burn the back of his throat as he started towards her. Mad wasn't even close to what he was feeling; in fact it had no name. All this time Castle had been patiently waiting for her to remember or to see for herself just how much he loved her. That was time that was wasted. "What about what you said before? About waiting after?"

"I've already wasted so much time. I don't want to waste anymore when it comes to you."

Castle swallowed, "Do you love me, Kate?"

"Yes. God yes." Beckett cried.

"I'm mad." He reminded gently taking her face in her hands, shocking her when he pressed his lips to her cool brow. What right did he truly have to turn away from her when all the while he was keeping his own secret? "I need to show you something."

Beckett glanced at the hand that he offered, "What?"

"Just come with me." He wiggled his fingers and waited until her hands found his.

The ride to the loft was silent and it left Beckett wondering what on earth Castle had to show her. He didn't stop to take off their soaking jackets or get a towel, but took her straight to his office. She watched him go to the monitor before beckoning her closer. He was tense; she could see it in the way the muscle of his jaw twitched as his hand hover over the screen. When time stretched on, Beckett took upon herself and touched it herself and gasped when her face popped up on the screen.

It's bad I know, but hopefully some one some where enjoyed it.