Renesmee, Edward, and The Ugly Witch

(Original story: Hansel and Gretel)

"Mommy, will you tell me a story?" Renesmee asked me, looking at me with large, pleading eyes.

"Honey, I don't think I know any stories," I told her. Just then, the door opened, and Jacob walked in. From the other end of the couch, Rosalie sighed.

"Hey Blondie," he said loudly, "Did you hear about the tragedy at the mall? There was a power outage, and five blondes were stranded on an escalator for fifteen hours."

Rosalie didn't reply. Alice giggled. Rosalie glared. Alice got quiet.

"Jacob, will you tell me a story?" Renesmee asked him sweetly.

"Of course I will." He sat down and she jumped into his lap.

"Once, there was a beautiful girl named Renesmee. She had a friend named Edward."

Next to me, Edward raised his eyebrow. Clearly, he had no idea where this was going. Which was very worrying.

One day, Renesmee and Edward decided to go for a walk. They were skipping through the woods, and Renesmee was throwing flowers behind them so that they would be able to find their way home. Suddenly, she realized that the flowers were no longer behind them.

"Edward," she asked. "Did you see what happened to the flowers?"

Edward held up a handful of flowers. "They're so pretty, I didn't want to just let them go to waste. I don't see why you were just throwing them away like that." He buried his nose in them and inhaled, smiling.

"Stop, stop it." Edward had a look on his face that was a combination of amusement and annoyance.

"What?" Jacob asked.

"Why are you making me sound all fruity?"

"I'm not, Edward. That's how you are to me. Now do you mind?" He turned back to Renesmee.

"Now, Edward," Renesmee scolded. "How are we supposed to find our way home? We're lost now. What are you even going to do with those?"

"Put them in that beautiful vase in my room, of course."

"Jacob," I said in my threatening voice.

He rolled his eyes. "Okay, fine."

"I'm going to give them to my bossy controlling wife Bella who doesn't know how to laugh." Edward told her. "Look, there's a house over there. Let's go ask them for help."

But Renesmee was worried. "I don't think that going on that house is a good idea, Edward. Grandma Esme said never to talk to strangers."

"Yeah, but some strangers have candy." He walked towards the house. Renesmee knew that it was a bad idea, but it was getting dark, and she was scared to be in the woods alone. She quickly followed Edward.

When they got to the door, Edward knocked. The door creaked open, and when they saw who was standing there, Edward let out a high pitched scream. The woman standing there was a hideous blonde with a gigantic wart on her chin.

"What do you want, you ugly little brats?" she asked.

Edward, shaking with fear, shoved Renesmee in front on him. She tried her best to hide the fact that she was afraid. "We're lost, and we were just wondering if you had a phone or something we could use."

"Little girl, I don't have a phone. I am living in the middle of the woods by myself because I hate everybody and everybody hates me. So it's just me, my makeup, and my curlers here."

"Which you clearly don't know how to use," Edward muttered.

The witch glared at Edward for a moment, and then opened up her gigantic mouth and ate him up.

Renesmee gasped.

"What?" Alice asked in a surprised voice.

Rosalie slammed her hand down on the arm of the couch. Why do I have to be the ugly witch that eats children?" She yelled at Jacob, glaring at him.

"If you don't like my story, you can leave," he told her blankly.

She stomped her foot, turned, and stormed out of the room.

"So what happened to Renesmee?" Renesmee asked.

"Well, the ugly witch was about to eat her, but then one of Edward's shoes got lodged in her throat, and she choked to death. Then, as the witch was choking, she coughed up the cell phone of another child she ate, and Renesmee used it to call her Grandma Esme to pick her up. When she got home, there were warm cookies waiting for her."

Renesmee laughed. "I like that story."

"That makes one of us, "Edward said under his breath.

"I like it, too. How about another one?" Alice asked.