Waiting is no longer an option. Another moment of waiting will kill me, kill him. If I don't say it, I will lose him forever. But if I do, rejection may be inevitable.
With a quick hand motion, I sweep my black hair from my eyes. He's standing there, reading that same novel, the one I wrote, with the most handsome expression. I must say it. I must do this.
He looks up, and smiles at me, and I wave back. He clears his throat anxiously, and I smile again.
"Mary," He begins, but I silence him with a hand motion.
"Gray, wait. I have to tell you something." He looks nervously around the room. "I-I really like you." The excitement past, Gray hangs his head. Is this a good or bad sign? I'm so confused.
"I'm sorry, Mary, but I don't feel for you that way." In that instant that his smooth voice betrays the truth, my heart breaks. Why me? I can no longer bear the pain.
All stories end with happily ever after, so why doesn't mine?
"Mary…?" His smooth voice cuts into my thoughts like a knife and I recoil as if hit by one.
"No!" I scream. Gray jumps back. I have never yelled before. I have never felt the need. "I don't want to hear it. No!"
The last of my confidence has shattered. Let him marry that stupid Popuri. She never had any troubles. Not even her mother's death seemed to faze her. On the other hand, I was a good kid. I never disobeyed anything the Harvest Goddess stated in our scriptures. Popuri probably didn't even know there were scriptures.
"No!" I repeat, pushing past Gray, and running out into the cool Fall air.
"Mary, wait!" Wait? Why? He doesn't care for me. He should go to his dear Popuri. Tears stung my eyes. Why?
"Mary?" Harris asked, obviously seeing me distraught. He couldn't help me; no one could. I push his kindness away and keep running.
I end up at the lake, swishing the water around, mixing the cool lake water with my salty, pain-filled tears.
I love Gray like Popuri never could. I could support myself. Popuri wouldn't even know left from right. Why Goddess? What terrible sin have I committed to deserve this torture?
In the end, waiting did kill me. Gray's rejection broke me, scattered me to the harsh, unfeeling wind, and letting me go. He is probably gone now, leaving on the boat with Popuri to Sea Salt Village. I wanted to go there with him. I wonder if he ever knew, and if he even cares.
I splash my face again, trying to drown the pain, but my heartbreak can't simply be forgotten. Love takes time to heal, but I never will. I will never care for another like I cared for Gray. He is my one, my only; even if he can't see it.
"I'm sorry, Mary, but I don't feel for you that way." Why? How can Gray bear to betray me? Was he as cold as ice? Was he colder? Or has Popuri blinded him with lies?
My entire life has been spent avoiding the pink-haired chicken girl. Every memory of us together ends with me in tears. Once in awhile, Gray would help me, but not often enough. I look up to him, I see the man he will be in his eyes, and I see the boy he is now.
Can he see that in me? Does he see a woman in the way I talk, walk, and speak? Or does he see me as the broken nerdy librarian girl that I am in Popuri's rumors? Or is there something else he sees?
I dunk my entire head in, letting the water seep into my invisible wounds, letting me slowly heal. I resurface, wondering if my life is even worth living.
The one thing I care for has told me I am just a friend. But can't he see that I should be more? If he could see my past, see the hurt that Popuri put me through for her own entertainment, maybe he could fix the brokenness that is killing me now, multiplied infinity amounts of time by his rejection.
The pain will kill me, slowly but surely, my will to live will evaporate faster than the sun can set. Revenge against him is impossible, my love will live on forever, and I cannot hurt him, no matter how much hurt I get to experience through him.
Love is painful. That I have learned. Books and magazines with gut-wrenching stories of lost love can never measure up to this feeling I have now, where there is no beginning and no end, and where it is so painful I cannot see.
My heart is broken, but my will and I have been torn and destroyed.
I have learned something today. Something I will carry with me wherever I go.
Not every story ends with happiness.