The Time Traveling Adventures Of Albus Dumbledore
Disclaimer: All Harry Potter names, characters and locations belong to J.K. Rowling. I own nothing that you recognize.
Written for the Wild, Wacky and Weird Character Pairings Event and for The Worst Contest.
A/N: Before you say anything, no this is not a trollfic. I wrote this at one in the morning when I had an awful headache, and I'm supposed to write really horrible crack for this contest anyway so here it is. Feast your eyes on this mess, children!
Dumbledore was older than most people realized. Old enough to remember the days when the Ministry of Magic had yet to come into being. And for more than a thousand years Dumbledore and Fawks had been traveling around the world, throughout time and across the galaxy, courtesy of a warped time turner, some well made Elixir of Life and a poorly made pair of enchanted wool socks which smelt horribly of last years rutabagas. But when he smoked these socks wondrous things happened. And before long he and his immortal parakeet were exploring every corner of existence on the back of a Flibbering Humdinger.
It was during one of these trips through time that Dumbledore encountered Abraham Lincoln who, unbeknownst to the wandering wizard, was a master of Muggle magic tricks and knitting.
He entertained Albus by pulling endless socks from his stovepipe hat, along with colorful streamers and what could only be described as a flock of flying toasters spouting rainbows and cinnamon a mile into the sky.
Dumbledore clapped and cheered like an intoxicated seel, wanting more of that delicious wool all over his face. He buried his cheeks in the plush lining of Abraham Lincoln's hat and inhaled deeply, breathing in the scent of imported goat hair and cheese, only to have the hat yanked out from under his nose as the president waggled a finger and said, "No no, a magician never reveals his secrets."
The turkey beside him squawked and shot flaming meatballs into the air, for he had sensed his master's excitement. But if Fawks thought he'd seen everything it was only going to get worse, as Dumbledore got down on his knees and announced his love for the bearded man and his magical sock spitting hat.
Looking back on everything, Fawks decided that his master must have gone looking for love in the first place, because he came prepared with an engagement ring and a bouquet of flowers tucked away under his left armpit. But why, though? Why did his master desire this magic man? Did he truly love him? Or did he only want him for his socks?
The answer came three years into their marriage when the president was assassinated and Dumbledore could be seen running from the theater with the stovepipe hat screaming, "High ho silver awaaaayyyy!" as he leapt onto the back of his blazing pigeon and took to the skies, never to be seen in that timeline again.
Many years passed. Abraham Lincoln's hat has been charmed and modified so as to hide its true appearance. It now sits on a shelf in the headmaster's office, waiting for the first year students to arrive so it can sort them into their houses.
The hat still spews socks on occasion, a remnant of their better days when Dumbledore's love was young and socks flourished throughout the land.