Victor was feeling….very emotional. To say the least. He and Yuuri had gotten engaged, he'd been happy…elated. But then Yuuri had suggested ending things between them, on the skating front anyway. He'd said he was retiring and he didn't need Victor to be his coach anymore but Victor had thought….he thought Yuuri needed him. He'd urged Victor to return to the ice but Victor had no desire to skate…not without Yuuri. If Yuuri retired…they'd be separated. Victor would hardly ever see Yuuri…how could he skate without Yuuri there when Yuuri was his inspiration? They'd argued…they'd cried. They'd eventually decided to each make their own decision.
Watching Yurio beat his record…watching Chris skate…watching Yuuri skate…he wanted to return to the ice. He missed it. He missed skating, he missed telling stories and he had a new story that he wanted to tell. He needed to tell it. The story of how he found love. How he found his soul mate. And a small part of him wanted to go head to head with Yurio and Yuuri…reclaim his records. The ice had been calling to Victor and Yuuri had helped bring him back to life, helped him find his love for skating again. He was no longer an empty shell, skating and winning and skating and winning, feeling nothing. He even missed training with Yurio and the others. Victor wanted to show the world he'd changed. Show Yakov, and Yurio that he'd changed, as a person and a skater.
Victor knew Yuuri wanted him to return to skating too, or at least…part of him did. He knew the other part wanted to keep Victor as his coach but Yuuri had told him that he felt selfish for that. Because with how much he loved the ice…how could he keep Victor from it? He knew some of Yuuri's anxiety was behind it, his emotions piling up until he'd started the conversation. That had become clear when they'd had a breakthrough in their argument…just before they'd decided to make decisions for themselves. Victor however, still didn't think Yuuri retiring was the right decision and he never would. But he loved Yuuri. And if it was what he really wanted, Victor would stand by his decision. They'd…work something out. They'd have to. Because Victor couldn't bear to be apart from Yuuri.
Victor had told Yakov he was returning, that he'd return in time for the Russian Nationals. He'd had a smile on his face the entire time too. He was happy to return to the ice, he really was…but he was also sad he might lose Yuuri. Yuuri would either continue skating, and they'd be apart but see each other at competitions. Or Yuuri would retire and Victor would hardly ever see Yuuri. Or maybe Yuuri would come and live with him….but Yuuri without skating wouldn't be the same person, and Victor feared that if the third option happened Yuuri might come to resent him. Yuuri would lose part of himself, he'd just started to open up and really shine in his skating…he'd be cutting himself off at the knees and he'd realise it eventually. Realise what he did for Victor…what he gave up.
When he'd told Yakov, Yurio had grabbed his arm, demanding to know if Yuuri was retiring and Victor had answered as they'd planned. Giving nothing away. Victor knew Yurio cared about Yuuri…cared about Victor. He and Yuuri had pushed Yurio to be the best he could be…they'd inspired him he liked to think, and they'd supported him at each competition they could. He knew Yurio had abandonment issues thanks to his mother, and he struggled to show outward signs of affection, you had to read the meaning behind his gruff and angry words. He'd been rink mates with the boy for years, he knew the whole sorry tale, he knew how to speak Yurio. He knew it had upset Yurio to lose Victor to Yuuri and Japan. He knew Yurio still hoped Victor would return…but he didn't want to lose Yuuri in order for that to happen. Victor looked in to the teenagers green eyes and saw all the doubt, and uncertainty that he hid so well behind his grouchy mask. He saw the vulnerability there at the thought of losing someone he'd allowed himself to care about.
Victor needed comfort…and Yurio needed some too. But most of all he needed support. Victor had never showed such outward support for Yurio before, he'd cheered for him before…but this was different. This was more personal. He'd always supported the teenager. Yurio was like a younger brother to him, but Yurio didn't welcome physical affection. But just this once….just this once Victor decided to try. For himself, desperately in need of comfort…and for Yurio, a sad and lonely teenager, who'd been abandoned too many times by the people he cared for, and carried far too much responsibility and pressure on his shoulders. Victor had seen the look on Yurio's face whenever the TV had showed the medal ceremony from Skate Canada. For a brief moment, Yurio's masked had dropped and Victor could see how sad the teenager was. He'd won a silver medal…but he looked so sad. Victor knew why. Because Yurio put so much pressure on himself, he wanted to win…he wanted to win gold and he wanted to do it spectacularly to get his mothers attention most likely. Victor looked at that sad face, holding a silver medal and he saw a boy who felt he'd let himself down…and most likely his grandpa too. Victor had also seen himself. Standing on podium after podium as he became more and more empty.
Yurio just needed someone to show him some real, tangible support. Victor smiled at Yurio, and before the teen could guess his intentions he reached out and grabbed him. Pulling him towards him, and wrapping his arms securely around his body. Victor laid his chin on Yurio's shoulder. For a moment Yurio just stood there, stiff, his face in Victors shoulder. But then….then Yurio's arms clutched on to Victor and his chin came to rest on Victors own shoulder. Victor tightened his hold.
No matter what Yuuri decides…you'll still have me. I won't leave you. I'll always be here, with you. Supporting you. Cheering for you. I'm so proud of you Yurio. I was empty and hollow when I made that agape program, but you skated it how I couldn't at the time. So full of emotion. You've been abandoned by parents who were supposed to love you, I left you alone with Yakov after being a constant figure to look up to…to admire…to come to for help and advice. I left you….and I'm sorry. But you came in to your own and you never could have if I'd stayed. You've experienced agape…love…so rarely in your life, but you poured in to your skating. You beat my record and I have never been prouder of you. You did better than I could have if I'd tried to skate it back then. You evolved…you let people in….you let them help you. Yakov…Lilia….Mila….you even let Yuuri help you too, let him cheer for you. Let me cheer for you. I should have supported you more outwardly, cheered loudly for you instead of watching quietly and approvingly on the sidelines. I should have gotten you to open up to me more….showed you agape more. I will in the future. I promise. And I need you to go out there now and skate your best. Do your best…that's all you need to do. Do the best you can and show the world what you can do.
When Victor had said he was coming back to skating, Yuri had been happy…excited. Victor was coming back. But that had lasted mere moments before he'd considered the bigger implications. If Victor was returning to skating it meant that Yuuri didn't need a coach anymore and that would only be possible if he was…if he was retiring. Yuri had panicked and reached out to Victor, grabbing his arm. Yuri had always had trouble showing affection to people…letting them get close to him. He usually made a point of keeping people at a distance because everyone he lets in…everyone he cares about leaves him. But Victor had been his hero, and had become a big brother to Yuri over the years at the rink. He looked out for him.
Then Yuuri had taken him away. Yuri hadn't been good enough to steal Victor back. Yuri was never quite good enough. At Skate Canada, he could only manage a silver. His mother wouldn't come running back in to his life for a silver. He needed to win gold….break records. But he'd won a silver. His agape for his grandfather hadn't been enough and Yuri felt terrible. Felt like he'd let his grandpa down, felt like it was a betrayal of his grandpa….that he didn't love him enough when his grandpa loved him so much. Was the person who loved him the most in the world. It felt like an insult to his grandpa. His grandpa was the only family Yuri still had, the only family that wanted him.
He'd let him down again at the Rostelecom Cup…another silver. He'd skated with all the agape he had but his grandpa hadn't been there, he'd thought his agape would be stronger with his grandpa there…he'd wanted to show his grandpa with his skating how much he loved him…how much he appreciated everything he'd done for him. His mother had ignored him…foisted him off on nannies, but his grandpa had put a stop to that. He'd taken him to practice, and picked him up. Watched whenever he could. Made him food. Encouraged him always. He'd wanted to show his grandpa how grateful he was. But his grandpa had been sick and hadn't been able to come and Yuri had been worried. He'd been scared. Scared something bad would happen to his grandpa and he'd lose the one person in the world who cared about him. He couldn't let his grandpa down again. He couldn't let himself down. If he wanted his mother to come back….to see him. He had to do one thing.
He needed to debut and win gold at the Grand Prix Final…then she'd come back. Then she'd want him. His grandpa would be proud. Then Yuri might be able to afford to get his grandpa to move to . Then Victor would come back. Then Yuuri would stay. Yuri, despite his better instincts, had come to like Yuuri. He wanted to see more of his skating, wanted to see him skate a clean programme. He admired his determination, he'd helped him learn his quad salchow. They'd bonded. He…considered the older skater his friend. And if Victor was like family to Yuri…then Yuuri was too, somehow. He didn't know when it had happened but it had. Yuri had watched the competitions and silently cheered Yuuri on. Seeing the skater he'd thought Yuuri could be if he tried harder.
He'd been disappointed in Yuuri's skating at last years Grand Prix Final, he'd helped Victor scope out the competition and they'd watched videos of the Japanese skater together. His step sequences grabbed your attention…they where….impressive. But he always screwed up his jumps, and at the Grand Prix Final last year…his skating had definitely been worse than usual. Yuri could see that now. But he'd admired the Japanese skater for pushing on. He'd wondered what it would be like if he skated with no mistakes and he'd decided he wanted to see that. He'd wondered what kind of guy he was…picturing someone determined…someone he could admire and look up to. But he'd found him hiding in a toilet and crying and been disappointed. Then he'd come to Japan to find a different Yuuri…more like the one he'd expected. And he'd felt that admiration grow the more he'd seen Yuuri's determination. He'd even begged Yuri to help him with a jump…recognised his weakness and sought to improve. And so Yuuri had become Yuri's new hero. Not that he'd tell the pork cutlet bowl that.
And so Yuri had found himself with another member of his family. Yuuri and Victor…they both cheered for him. Victor checked in with him, called him and video chatted and Yuuri would join in too more often than not. His grandpa cheers for him…watches all of his competitions but he can't always come to see them. But Victor and Yuuri had been there, cheering openly and loudly with no reservations. Yuri had never had that level of support before. He'd always been alone, or just had his grandpa, or an approving Victor watching. Now he had Victor and Yuuri….Yuko…his grandpa…Lilia….Mila….he had more support and help than he'd ever had before. Yuri didn't want to lose that. He didn't want to lose any of them. When he'd heard Victor say he was returning…he'd panicked. Panicked that he was going to lose yet another person who had become a fixture in his life….a figure of unwavering support for him.
When Victor had hugged him, Yuri had stood, frozen for a moment or two. He didn't hug people aside from his grandpa…he just didn't. He so rarely let anyone get that close to him mentally and physically. Yuri wasn't used to hugs….to affection. But he'd stood there and he'd let Victor hug him. Mentally, he knew Victor cared about him, but now…Victor was physically showing him that…confirming it….telling him how proud he was with his touch. It was the biggest outward sign of support Yuri had ever had and it meant more to him, coming from Victor…his brother, than all the cheering in the world. Victor hadn't abandoned him…not really. He'd always been there. And Victors hug reminded him of that. Yuri didn't know what to do…he felt his throat close up and his eyes sting…and he'd reacted on instinct. He'd clutched on to Victor, arms wrapped tightly around him, bringing himself fully in to the hug.
Surpassing Victor was the only way Yuri knew to show Victor how much he admires him…to make him proud. And Victor's hug was telling him everything he'd longed to hear. How proud Victor was of him. How much he cared about him…loved him…supported him. That he'd always be there for Yuri. That he wanted Yuri to do his best. To show the world what he's capable of. Victors hug was telling Yuri that he wasn't alone anymore, it wasn't just him anymore…and that he hadn't been for a while. Any residual anger Yuri felt at the older Russian for abandoning him for Japan faded away because Victor hadn't abandoned him. Not really. Not like his father…his mother. Victor had always been there. Just because he hadn't been in practice every day…hadn't been down the street….didn't mean he wasn't there for him.
Yuri felt his resolve harden. He would do as Victor asked. He would skate his best. He would show the world. He was going to tell the pork cutlet bowl his opinion on the matter of his retirement. You can't quite now Yuuri. You may have beaten Victors high score, but you haven't won gold. Maybe you don't care now that you've surpassed Victor. Don't disappoint me like this. Keep going. Keep getting better….I know you can…I know you have more to offer. I know you can do better. You want to retire? You want to leave skating? Leave me? Well…you're going to know my opinion on that whether you want to or not. I won't let you make this mistake. You might not care about winning gold…about what happens now that you've beaten Victor but I do. I know you can be even greater. I'm going to remind you. Don't give up. If you disappoint me again…I'll crush you in to borscht.
Yuri was going to go out there, and he was going to win gold and he was going to make history.