The room was dark and smelled of something Sirius had always identified with James, a sort of clean, crisp smell that assaulted your nose the moment you stepped in their house. Mixed with this was something else, something sweeter. The chocolate they had eaten earlier, maybe, or possibly the smell of James' soap, which had seeped into the room with James when he had entered from his shower.
But that was hours ago and since then they had eaten, talked, laughed and played games until they were exhausted and had to climb into their respective beds. Though the moment the lights turned off the exhaustion that had such a grasp on Sirius seemed to melt away, leaving only Sirius and his thoughts unguarded in the dark.
There had been an argument, fierce yelling surrounded him. His father stormed out, slamming the door behind him. His mother's gaunt, overly made-up face that reeked of the ancient times and something primal had livened up for a moment, her dark eyes glowing as Sirius had never seen them. Her dark eyes glowing with hatred. Pure, unadulterated hatred for him, Sirius, her own son!
He rolled over in the small bed, vowing to keep the unwanted thoughts out of his mind for one night, just one more night, he had been doing it for two weeks, why couldn't he stop it now! He drew the covers up to his chin, tight around his body though the room was comfortably warm and he needn't sleep with the blankets at all. Outside, fresh summer rain ran against the windows. The gentle sound of the rain would surely lull him asleep at any other time, but now it only seemed to pull the memories out faster.
Sirius still felt the injustice of it all. It wasn't fair! He was her son, her own bloody son, her flesh and blood and part of her that she should love! But she didn't love him. And though part of Sirius knew why she didn't, another part, a more naive, childish part of him didn't know why she couldn't love him like she loved his brother. So he was different, was that any reason for the contempt in which she held him?
She slapped him, screamed at him, her pale cheeks flushed and her hair tousled. Regulus, the spoiled little brat, laughed haughtily at Sirius' shocked face. Sirius temper, the same temper he inherited from his mother, had snapped.
He felt his throat close up with emotion, his eyes burn with tears that he was unwilling to shed. He didn't want to shed tears for them, for his mother and his father, for his brother, none of whom would ever love him when all he wanted was their acceptance and their respect. When all he had wanted was a family to support him.
Sirius had punched his snobby younger brother, snapping his delicate nose, causing blood to gush down the front of his expensive robes. He ran upstairs, threw the few items he had unpacked into his trunk, fetched his wand from the bedside table, then sprinted back down the stairs. His mother aimed her wand at him.
Why couldn't they just accept him, Sirius wondered. He just wanted to do something different than what they wanted, was that so wrong? Was it so bad that he didn't wish to be the heir to their money, their Dark ways, their pureblooded prejudice?
She had calmed down by then, though, and it was enough that Sirius was spared the pain of a curse. He said in a quite, calm voice devoid of any emotion, but full of danger, that he would never be returning. His mother seemed to pause, as if considering this, as if preparing to ask Sirius to reconsider, to stay with them to try and change his ways just one last time, though he knew that she wouldn't, when she laughed! His own mother laughed at him.
The tears welled up in his eyes. They had waited for so long, for so long Sirius had denied their purpose, denied that they existed, denied that did need to cry to get over all this. He had tried to be strong, to be a man, since now that he was on his own that is what he was, wasn't it, a man? Though hidden inside was the part of Sirius that did care that he had a family of cold statues; they possessed no real facial expressions, had perfect posture, perfect manners, perfectly chiseled faces that stared at everyone the same cold way and were even cold to the touch!
He continued to glare, even as she aimed her wand at the wall and blasted his name off of the damned tapestry. Sirius pretended to care less. He walked out the door, letting it slam loudly behind him as his father had done moments before. As he walked down the street, he could still hear his mother's voice ringing in his ears.
Sirius clenched his fists, he squeezed his eyes shut tight, he would not cry! Though as he made this promise his throat seemed weakened and a deep sob came from deep in his chest. From that sob followed another and yet another until he was sobbing into his pillow, angry at himself for crying over his family and angry at his family for giving him a reason to cry. He cried for himself, the vagabond who wasn't ready to be on his own, for Remus, cursed young at age and in the same boat of unfair treatment as Sirius, for James, Peter, Lily and Snape, even, all whom he was sure had problems of their own. Sirius cried for those people who lost their lives to the rising Darkness that was Lord Voldemort.
Forever it seemed he cried. The longer he cried, the more willing were his tears to come out. A faint rustling across the room caught his attention. He tried to stop his sobbing, but by now it was impossible, and the figure approaching him from across the room was so blurred by his tears that Sirius grew more irritated and his crying deepened instead of letting off, even though he knew that the figure could only be James. He didn't feel shame for his crying, instead he felt that he deserved to cry and that James ought to appreciate that even if he had yet to hear the reason why Sirius was crying.
James paused next to the bed, though Sirius was only vaguely aware of it, staring at his friend. The next moment the mattress sunk as James slid under the covers and lay down face-to-face with Sirius. He gently pulled Sirius toward him, awkwardly offering himself as comfort to Sirius, who wanted nothing else than someone to hold him and buried his face in James' shoulder. Sirius desperately wanted to stop crying. His throat hurt, his eyelids burned, he had the most terrible headache and he wanted nothing more than to fall asleep, but he couldn't because these ruthless tears just wouldn't stop!
James still seemed to be awkward, unsure of where to put his arms or how close to hold Sirius against himself, no matter how much he wanted to comfort his friend. He wrapped one lean, lanky arm around Sirius' waist and the other under his own head, murmuring shushing noises and nonsense into Sirius' hair. It was only then, with his arm wrapped around James' shoulders and buried in the messy black hair at the nape of his neck, that Sirius began to calm down. His sobs subsided, though his silent tears continued to seep into James' shirt.
He let out a shaky breath and pulled himself closer to James, closer to that other warm body that made him feel so calm and loved, like he had a place in this world, and reminded him that there were, in fact, people that cared about what happened to him. He wouldn't let himself think about his family anymore or surely he would begin crying again, even if he wasn't so sure that he had anything left to cry with.
Now that his sobbing had stopped, Sirius fully appreicated how tired all that crying had really made him, how much his head pounded, his eyelids drooped, his throat was raw. Outside, the rain had stopped, promising a clear summer day tomorrow. A clear summer day in which Sirius and James would both ignore this night and continue to wrestle and prank as they did normally. Though, Sirius thought as even the sounds of James' breathing and heartbeat fell silent as sleep took hold of him, if James treated him any different after this night, the one constant in his life would be ruined and that he would truly be lost after that.
A/n- Based on a scene mentioned in my other story "Little Things." Another one of my attempts to fluff up the JP/SB romance category. It seems that I can only write when I am half-asleep, so this may seem a tad dazed, but that's the kind of feel I want this story to have anyway, so that all works out!
Please review!
::silver-sunn101::