Reflections
----------
Disclaimer: I don't own Hikaru no Go. Don't I wish I did.
----------
Sometimes I wonder why I keep playing go. I started so I could spend more time with you -- and so I'd understand what you talked about. But then you left and became a pro, and I hardly ever saw you again. I know why I continued then. It was to keep you alive within me. Even though you were nowhere to be seen, I could pretend; it kept me from noticing your absence too much.
And somewhere I began to understand why you play go. It wasn't just about the game, or about Touya-kun. The game stopped being a game, the opponents blurred together, and in the end there was only black and white, no shades of grey. Life and death without the sickness in between. Go became a metaphor for life, a game within a game.
But Hikaru, I don't have your passion. I never did. So why do I stick with it, when it won't bring us any closer? There's not a drop of your blood left in the games I play. You're far beyond my reach now. And you were never much interested in being close with me.
It wouldn't have worked, would it?
That's okay. Kaneko-san is here. She might not smile, but at least she's always at my side, just where your ghost used to stand.
I guess I'm just not ready to stop pretending that I love you. And I want an excuse to spend more time with Kaneko-san -- even though I still can't bring myself to remove the -san from her name. I guess that's a form of pretending, too.
Is that alright, Hikaru? Do you mind if I pretend for a little while longer?
Comments and concrit greatly appreciated, flames tolerated if grammatical (and if they bring up valid points). If I discover poorly written, ungrammatical, and pointless flames, I will probably post them on my livejournal for public ridicule. You have been warned. :)