A/N: Another from the depths of my drafts from a couple of years ago that I never got around to posting! I just really loved the song, and I really loved that scene with them so I wrote this...
Yuuri loved Phichit, they'd been friends for a long time and he knew he should be happy for him, but he was freaking out. He wasn't used to being the skater to beat, Victor had helped him to achieve that title and everyone knew it. He wasn't used to being first. His anxiety had been eating away at him ever since the short program. He hadn't been able to sleep, he'd just laid there….staring at the ceiling. Envisioning all the ways the free skate could go wrong. Envisioning all his past mistakes. Picturing screwing up….not making it to the Grand Prix Final and Victor leaving…leaving to go back to Russia. Victor being blamed for all of his mistakes, all of his failures. Because everyone knew Victor was responsible for his success just as much as Yuuri was, and everyone would think that Yuuri's failures were because of Victor too. And all he could think about was never seeing Victor again. Or…or Victor not wanting to see him again if Yuuri messed up and destroyed Victors reputation. No, no that's stupid Yuri, of course Victor would still want to see you. He's got to give you that lecture in the kiss and cry at least. He chuckled to himself awkwardly.
He and Victor had gotten closer and closer. Victor had always been touchy feely from the start, which may have been Victor in general, or maybe had something to do with the fact that English wasn't the first language for either of them and sometimes gestures and touches were the only way to show what they meant…how they felt. Victor had wanted to know everything about him, something Yuuri hadn't been able to fathom why, it wasn't like he and Yuuri had met before or something. Victor was just so comfortable and relaxed with him most of the time. He'd made his intentions pretty clear from the beginning. Yuuri on the other hand was not and it had taken him a little while to get on the same page as Victor.
For a while there he'd been nothing but a mess when it came to Victor, Victor was his childhood crush…his idol. He supposed it was the head poke that had brought Victor down to Earth for him….Yuuri hadn't even realised he'd done it until he'd…well…done it. It was just that…Victor wasn't looking at him…Victor was busy with his skates and Yuuri had felt safe to really take a look at the man in front of him. So he'd studied Victor. And Victor had looked so good….they'd been practising jumps over and over, and sure Victor was tired, but his hair was still perfect, and Yuuri had always thought that Victor had perfect hair and then his finger had been touching Victor…well, Victors hair and he hadn't known what he was doing and he'd been so sure Victor was going to mock him, or…or something and then Victor had made a comment about his hair thinning, which was the most ridiculous thing ever because Victors hair was thick…shiny…it had always been thick and shiny. Girls hated him as much as loved him when he'd had his long hair. In that moment…Victor had just seemed so human, joking around…playing with him.
The talk on the beach had helped as well. They started to understand each other because they'd opened up to each other and Yuuri was very well aware that Victor didn't have to. The problem was all his. He'd struggled with how to act with Victor…how to talk to him, how to show him his faults…his weaknesses. He didn't want Victor to think of him as weak…and then Victor had turned around and said nobody thinks he's weak…least of all Victor himself. He'd started to truly trust Victor in that moment and the two of them had started to share more and more. Yuuri had realised that Victor had to be so many different people, different things depending on who he was interacting with, and Victor understood that Yuuri needed space to be himself. Victor understood that Yuuri didn't do well with showing his emotions to others, with letting others see his weaknesses.
It had taken Yuuri a while to…return Victors advances. A touch here…a hug there..until it became second nature to touch Victor. Yuuri just…he didn't usually try to get close to others…he didn't try to form attachments. It had been impossible not to with Victor. The two interacted easily now, using touch almost as much as language to convey their thoughts. Their feelings. Yuuri didn't even think twice now before hugging Victor or putting a hand to his shoulder. Victor really didn't even think once about touching Yuri's leg to show him how to position it for a jump. They hadn't even kissed yet but Yuuri couldn't imagine his life without Victor, they'd become inseparable.
Or well….he couldn't until his anxiety decided to treat him to a full colour, fully vivid mental movie of it. It was cold, dreary and lonely. And there where a lot of cats…..cats that looked strangely like Yurio….huh…maybe I did fall asleep after all for a minute or two? Or maybe it was a waking dream? Hallucination? And why did the cats look like Yurio? Is my….whatever it was trying to tell me that if Victor leaves I'll end up living with Yurio? That makes no sense? Yuuri shook his head. Now was really not the time to have a Yurio crisis. Either way, he hadn't gotten much sleep. Victor had told him to go take a nap. Sure. Great idea Victor. I'll get on that right away. I can nap no problem. That is…unless you pass out right on top of me.
Between worrying about whether or not Victor had set an alarm, worrying about falling asleep, not waking up on time and completely missing the free skate…..and you know….internally freaking out a little bit because he and Victor usually slept in separate beds, and here Victor was….fast asleep…..sprawled out all over him. Sure they'd taken to sleeping in the same room, a combination of how much time they spent together meaning separate rooms felt like worlds away, and Victor keeping an eye on Yuuri and his habit of reading news articles about himself and psyching himself out. It wasn't like Yuuri didn't want to share a bed with Victor it was just…they weren't there yet. Yuuri supposed it was his fault. Sure he and Victor had been getting closer and closer…sure Victor was flirty…he knew that Victor had to return some kind of feelings for him, but on some level Yuuri failed to believe that Victor could possibly return his growing feelings. That Victor was possibly in his league. He was Victor frickin Nikiforov after all and he was just Katsuki Yuuri. Awkward. Insecure. Anxiety Ridden. He just wasn't on Victors level and every doubt he's ever had about himself and Victor comes roaring in to his head whenever he contemplates trying to see if Victor feels the same way…if Victor…would be open to a relationship. Thank you anxiety. Love you too.
And here Victor was head resting on Yuuri's chest….his body…touching Yuuri's…all over. Sure Victor. I'll take a nap. Nothin' stopping me….Yuuri flushed at the reminder. It had just been really hard to sleep, okay!? So he'd laid there…again….picturing every single bad thing that could happen, but this time with Victor right there as a reminder of what he'd lose if he messed this up. Because Victor would go back to Russia, and he'd go a laughing stock as a coach, because Yuuri's mistakes where Victors mistakes. He would have failed to get gold, failed in he and Victors goals and failed to show everyone how much Victor had helped him. He'd been pretty close to sleeping at one point, so close he could feel sleeps dark embrace. But then Victor had moved. His head had….snuggled in to Yuuri's chest. I mean…it had to be an accident right, he was asleep…he totally thought I was a pillow or Makkachin….which also explains the arms. The vice like grip. So. No sleep. Then he'd flubbed his jump in practice. After ignoring Victors explicit instruction not to do so. He'd attempted it to prove he was fine…it's all good, no need to worry Victor, I've got this…I won't let you down!…..and he'd fallen flat on his face. He'd been freaking out internally ever since. But it obviously wasn't internal enough, or maybe Victor had been learning, because Victor had dragged him down do the parking garage to try to get him away from the cheering….and the announcements…and the high scores….and the cheering….and the camera right in his face….and…the…cheering…
The cheering that he could hear right now, because he'd noticed Victor, who usually kept an eye on him, some might say watched like a hawk when he was warming up and a screwed up ball of anxiety….had been looking up towards the rink, his head tilted at an angle. He'd wanted to know what Victor was looking at…or what Victor was listening to. Perhaps it was an important announcement? What if it was something he needed to know? What if something was going on? What if there was a giant crack in the parking structure and it was about to kill them? The last one was a stretch but his anxiety knew no bounds. He'd half conjured up an image of Yurio, in full ninja gear, hear to take him out. And he didn't mean for dinner. So he'd taken out his ear plugs, he'd been going to ask Victor what was so interesting but he'd been assaulted with the sounds of loud cheering. Drilling in to his brain. "What an incredible performance!" the words bounced around his brain. Yuuri could only stare up at the parking garage ceiling, hearing the words echoing over and over again. It's not going to be enough. Everyone's been so..so amazing and I'm just…I couldn't even land a jump in practice. Let alone on practically no sleep, with all this anxiety eating me up inside….I'm not going to make it…I'm not….oh my God.
Victor was suddenly there, cutting off Yuuri's thoughts as he brought his hands up to cover Yuuri's ears, muffling the sounds from the rink. "Don't listen!" He barked. Yuuri met Victors eyes and stood there, frozen in place. Desperately trying to control his breathing. He stared in to Victors eyes, getting lost in the blue, Victor held his gaze. Staring back. He could hear the announcers voice, but it was muffled, he couldn't quite make it out with Victors hands covering his ears….with Victor so close to him. Victors hands didn't muffle everything though, and Yuuri heard Phichit's score loud and clear. He swallowed audibly and tore his eyes away from Victors. Unable to look him in the eye anymore. Not when he was completely falling to pieces over something he should be over by now. Not when his time with Victor had a very high chance of coming crashing to an end very soon because Yuuri wasn't good enough. Wasn't good enough for Victor.
Victor kept his grip on Yuuri's ears. He didn't know what else to do. Yakov had told him he was too selfish to be anyones coach, that he thought about no-one but himself. But that wasn't true…..lately at least. He thought about Yuuri. Alot. He wanted to help him but he didn't know how. He'd never dealt with this kind of thing before. He didn't know what to say…what to do. Yuuri should be past being affected by his competitors scores, but they where sending him more and more over the edge. He knew Yuuri had lied, he hadn't napped and that was Victors fault. He'd fallen asleep too, he couldn't deny that he'd enjoyed it. He'd been comfortable, his head resting on Yuuri's firm chest, cuddling him. And yes…he'd cuddled. He'd seen the opportunity and he'd taken it. He'd had to, because being so close to Yuuri, without being with him…was beginning to torture him a little bit. He'd been patient. The Yuuri he'd been faced with in Hasetsu was completely different to the Yuuri he'd met and felt a strong attraction to at the Banquet…but he'd dealt. He'd adjusted. He'd been patient. He'd drawn out Banquet Yuuri. Sort of. Mostly. He'd gotten Yuuri to open up…to trust him. They'd gotten closer…and closer…Yuuri returned his hugs, his touches. He'd gotten used to them. A far cry from one of their first hugs when Victor had to get Yuuri to turn around so he could surprise hug him. Yuuri had been surprised alright. But Victor had held on tightly, closed his eyes and relished in the moment. Now he got moments like that all the time. Yuuri hadn't even flinched when Victor had pulled his lip balm stunt, a shameless warning to the beanpole fanboying Yuuri. He'd rolled with it.
Yuuri had started to touch him back…to initiate contact. Victor had enjoyed getting used to that, and he always got a warm feeling in his heart when Yuuri touched him first. Hugged him first. When Yuuri had poked his head, it had been one of, if not the first times Yuuri had touched him. Victor had been frustrated and worried that he'd never get close to Yuuri, that they wouldn't interact as they had at the banquet…so freely. They'd had their talk..Victor understood Yuuri…but he'd still felt frustrated, and he'd even felt a little bit of despair. But then Yuuri had touched him. Victor had made a comment about his hair thinning, stupid really, there was nothing wrong with his hair. But he'd known Yuuri would be embarrassed, known he might even clam up and considering what they'd just been through with all of that, Victor hadn't been prepared to go there again. So he'd backed off. He hadn't made a flirty comment, hadn't made a move, the sheer joy of the moment had rendered his brain useless either way..he'd just backed off and taken the pressure from Yuuri, without making him feel ashamed of what could have been considered a faux pass, or a socially awkward gesture, he'd kept it light and friendly. Inside he'd been dying because Yuuri had touched him. First. Without provocation. He'd just done it. Victor had pushed the line a bit further before the short. He'd basically told Yuuri that it was okay to seduce him as…well…Yuuri. To want him. Yuuri had told Victor not to take his eyes off him…and he hadn't. There had been hugging. Lots of hugging. But nothing more. Victor craved Yuuri's touch, and he wanted a relationship with this man. But Yuuri…he wasn't ready.
So Victor had felt pretty damn happy to be in the one place he wanted to be, finally….so when he'd woken up mid way through he'd just snuggled in more and hadn't moved. If he had…Yuuri might not have bags under his eyes, that looked more like bruises. If he hadn't gotten drunk that too, might have allowed him to see Yuuri's spiral in to anxiety. But he'd had so much fun with Celestino the night before he'd wanted to repeat it. Yuuri was in first place…he was the one to beat…Victor shouldn't have let himself be so complacent. I am a terrible coach. Victor thought to himself as he gazed down at Yuuri who wouldn't even meet his gaze anymore. He just couldn't understand why Yuuri was so nervous…or how to motivate him to go out there and shake it off and do his best. Victor had never had this problem and he didn't fully understand why Yuuri just wouldn't deal with it like he did. Maybe Yakov was right, maybe he was too involved in himself to properly connect with another person…to understand another person, after the beach he'd thought….but maybe he'd thought wrong. Victors thoughts where interrupted by Yuuris warm hands enclosing his wrists.
"V-Victor. It's almost time" he said quietly, gently removing Victors hands. "We need to get back". He still wouldn't meet Victors eyes and it hurt him. Skaters hearts are as fragile as glass. Victor thought to himself. If their hearts are so fragile…Yuuri had started to walk back towards the stairs. Victor needed to stop him, he couldn't let Yuuri go up there like this. Go back to the rink without trying to help him. Maybe…maybe if I shatter his heart…break him emotionally…maybe it will make him focus. Or at least…give him something else to focus on, rather than his anxiety or his perceived weaknesses.
"Yuuri." he said. He heard Yuuri's footsteps come to a halt. "Huh?" He heard him say. Let's try shattering that fragile heart in to pieces. This will work. He will focus. He won't want to lose me…not after everything we've shared…that we still have to share. Hm. Maybe I am still a little bit selfish. He turned to face Yuuri, meeting those big brown eyes. Those trusting eyes. "If you mess up this free skate and miss the podium, I'll take responsibility by resigning as your coach" Victor said seriously. Yuuri didn't say anything. He didn't react at all. Victor kept his gaze steady, but the longer Yuuri didn't do anything, the more uncomfortable he became. The more he realised how stupid his idea was. He wasn't good at talking Yuuri through his feelings. He usually tried to distract him, but he hadn't been able to do that this time, all he'd been able to do was get Yuuri away from all the press who'd have a field day with live footage of him having an anxiety attack. This had to work. It had to. He would focus. He would. But as Victor watched, Yuuri's eyes slowly filled up with tears, until they spilled over, cascading down his cheeks and he knew he'd screwed up. He felt his stomach drop. Oh no. Not tears…..I don't know how to handle tears, this is even worse. Idiot Victor. You're the worst coach. You can't even get your skater motivated. You just make him cry. The man you love…you just hurt him so much you made him cry.
"Why would you say something like that, like you're testing me?" Yuuri asked in a trembling voice. Yuuri had barely been holding it together, and he'd been holding it together for Victor. Because Yuuri having a full on meltdown would make everyone think that Victor wasn't a good coach, to keep the image Victor had created of him…to keep Victors reputation in tact. But those words broke him. Because they seemed to confirm his worst fear, that everyone, Chris, the reporters, those girls at the rink…everyone was saying what Victor actually felt. That Victor wanted to leave, that Victor leaving him was a matter of time. But at the same time he knows it's just his anxiety, Victor doesn't want to leave, or he would have at any point. Victor…he liked him, he wouldn't just leave. He'd put so much work in, helped Yuuri….taught him so much. He wouldn't just leave that.
Victor approached Yuuri carefully. "Uh, sorry Yuuri. I wasn't being serious-" Victor anxiously tried to fix his mistake. He felt awful. Guilty. Like the worst kind of person. He'd never wanted to hurt Yuuri this way. He'd thought it might fire Yuuri up…get him mad…maybe he'd even yell at Victor and tell him that he'd show him. But he hadn't expected tears.
"I'm used to being blamed for my own failures. But this time…I'm anxious because my mistakes would reflect on you too!" Yuuri said angrily. He was aware that to some extent, this wasn't entirely Victors fault. How was Victor to know all this when Yuuri hadn't told him? But here he is, stating his feelings. Out loud. To Victor. Victor had pushed him to open up, to try to make him understand. "I've been wondering if you secretly want to quit!" Yuuri threw at him.
Victor swallowed hard. He'd had no idea. Things seemed to click in to place. Yuuri's dislike of Victor bragging about his accomplishments, his achievements. Victor had just assumed Yuuri wasn't one to brag, but now he could see deeper. He could see that every brag Victor threw out there, Yuuri had taken as a promise he needed to keep. To Victor. To everyone, so that Victor wouldn't look bad. Victor felt a hole open up in his heart.
"Of course I don't" Victor said comfortingly, he needed Yuuri to know. Needed Yuuri to know that he wouldn't leave him. He didn't want to. He'd flown all the way to Japan after meeting him..technically twice. The first being his disastrous attempt to lure Yuuri over and in to conversation so he could perhaps cheer him up after the Grand Prix Final in Sochi, the other being the banquet. Victor loved him. Yuuri would have to make him leave. He knew that on some level Yuuri had to know that, Victor had strong suspicions that Yuuri's own doubts are what kept him from acknowledging that, what kept him from taking that emotional step with Victor in to a relationship. He didn't want to quit. He didn't want to be apart from Yuuri. Yuuri needed him, he knew that. And he needed Yuuri. Yuuri didn't want him to be anyone but himself. Yuuri liked Victor for him. Yuuri didn't expect anything from Victor, he didn't have to put on a facade or a persona for Yuuri. It had let him start to figure out who he was outside of competitions and skating. Before he could continue Yuuri interrupted him.
"I know!" Yuuri shouted, because he did. His logical mind was constantly arguing with his anxious mind. He knows his feelings don't make sense. He knows. But he still feels it. Still worries about it. He can't help it, and he knows Victor doesn't fully understand his anxiety. Why would he? He doesn't suffer from it. But Yuuri's frustration at his own mental struggle…he couldn't help but shout. I don't even feel bad about it, I'm ugly crying in a parking garage, minutes from an incredibly important skating competition. I'm letting Victor see how weak I am…how vulnerable I am. Normally I'd run away screaming but…this is Victor….
Victor jerked at the sudden increase in noise. He waited for Yuuri to say something else, but he just cried more. His shoulders shaking and Victor felt he was very close to panicking. He just wanted to fix what he'd done. But he didn't know how. What do I do? How do I make him stop? Should I hug him? I should probably hug him…but that won't make him stop crying, then he'd just be crying on me. I just want him to stop crying! Please Yuuri, stop crying. I love you, it hurts me to see you cry.
"I'm not good with people crying in front of me" Victor said aloud without thinking. "I don't know what I should do" Victor didn't mean to sound so careless, but he couldn't help it. He just wanted to help, but he didn't know how. He was frustrated, he couldn't think of anything else he could do to help. He couldn't help the man he loves. Then….
"Should I just kiss you or something?" Victor wondered aloud, after all, he had just proved himself a terrible decision maker. That would make him stop crying right? Every other time I've touched him or hugged him it's shocked him…surprised him and his nerves have vanished. He needs two things…to be under pressure of losing me..but obviously that didn't work this time. Which leaves to be caught off guard. My touch, my caress…my hug have always surprised him out of his slumps, encouraged him. But a hug isn't going to work this time. I need to really surprise him….and that would certainly do it.
"No!" Yuuri shouted, startling Victor. He loved Victors touch, his arms around him. The comfort they provided, but Victor didn't seem to understand that it was more than that to Yuuri. Each time Victor hugged him, made physical contact with him in some way, touched him…it proved to Yuuri that Victor would always be there. Always support him. He needed that. But after what he said….I know he didn't mean it. I know. And I'd love nothing more to kiss you, you idiot. But with those words it's like you where playing with me this whole time, like you where only being so affectionate to get me to win. I want to win Victor, but I want you too. I want…I want your genuine affection. I want your love. I need it. Because I'm feeling some things and…..and…..you feel them too right? I know you do, but my brain won't stop fighting me on it, and you….you just made it seem like all those touches…those hugs that confirmed it…like they where nothing. But I know they're not. How do I….
"Just have more faith in me than I do that I'll win! You don't have to say anything. Just stay close to me Victor!" Yuuri said earnestly, tears streaming down his face. Victor sucked in a shocked breath. You don't have to say anything. Just stay close to me. Everyone always wanted something from Victor. They wanted him to say or do something. But Yuuri…Yuuri just wanted him. Just wanted him close. Yuuri didn't care that Victor was terrible at dealing with emotional situations. He just wanted him to stay close….like…like my song…Victor felt his eyes widen. Then widen even more as he realised. That's it….that's what Yuuri needs….
Victor froze, his thoughts cutting off because Yuuri had thrown his arms around him. His arms coming around Victors waist, his tear stained face in his neck. Victor snapped out of it in seconds. His initial reflex with crying people was to run away, but this was Yuuri. Yuuri needed him. Yuuri wanted him to stay close. Victor brought his arms around Yuuri. One around the waist, and his other hand cupping the back of Yuuri's head. He murmured soothing words to him in Russian. "I'm sorry Yuuri, I understand now, I think" He said cautiously.
"You're such an idiot" Yuuri mumbled in to his neck. Victor found he couldn't really argue with that after this experience. But he wanted to try to bring Yuuri's mood up.
"But a loveable one da?" he said, trying to inject some cheer in to his voice. Yuuri sniffled something, something that sounded a lot like obviously. He wanted Yuuri to look at him, he needed Yuuri to be looking at him when he said what he needed to say, but Yuuri refused to remove his face from Victors neck. Victor contemplated what to do for a second or two, then settled on his plan of attack.