Time's Keeper - Studley Do-Right and the Chemical Rescue
by Ma Anders
Author's Note: This is an experiment in "turnabout is fair play". This story exists in my alt-alt-universe after Uhura's future-changing encounter with the Traveler in "Time's Keeper - Nexus of Decision".
Not buying it? Why Not?
If J. J. Abrams and company can decimate the Enterprise twice in three years - as in drydock restoration - and almost destroy Earth twice in the same timeframe - as in one LARGE drill with planet-coring drill bit in place AND one LARGE AND ADVANCED star ship crashing and sliding into San Francisco, then I can explain Uhura's unusual facility with alien languages and cultures as tampering with the time-space continuum.
ANYWAY...
This story isn't about any of the above pseudo-rant topics.
It's about Captain James T. Kirk begging medical help from Dr. Leonard McCoy to stop him from having sex.
1Jan2014: After much deliberation and a lot of liquid brain lubricant , I think this works better as a single chapter story. Effective 2Jan14, all but Chapter 1 will go bye-bye. The deleted material will find it's ways into something else - Deltan pirates with sexual arousal issues onboard their pirate ship are too good to waste. They just don't belong here. As always, if you want a copy of the full Monty for your very own, PM me.
After all, Kirk begging to be celibate is all you need, right?
RATING: At least teen+ for sexual themes and for the arousal jokes.
The jokes are my favorite part...
ONE
"Jim! Grab a chair."
McCoy moved to the business side of his desk and sat down. Recognizing that the pile of PADDs, vials, hypospray containers and food remains blocked eye contact with his captain and friend, the doctor strategically swept the pile to one side with his left arm.
Kirk's anxiety came across so clearly that McCoy could almost see the letters "WTF?" written across his friend's forehead.
Kirk's Academy roommate had waited a long time to see James T. Kirk - "Studley Do-Right" - brought to his knees on a daily basis. As the former husband of four beautiful but deadly women, Leonard McCoy recognized the symptoms. Another serial seducer of the fairer sex (although McCoy disagreed with this moniker - there was nothing fair or reasonable about his ex-wives) had fallen.
James Tiberius Kirk was whipped. And his wife did it.
"Can we close the door?"
The good doctor's satisfaction at Kirk's discomfort was unbefitting one of the finest physicians in Star Fleet. McCoy didn't care; he'd waited a long time and through a LOOONG string of women to see Kirk fall this hard. Taking out his flask, he leaned back in his chair and leisurely sipped his restorative.
"Give me an update, Jim. Have things gotten any better?"
"No! Dammit, Bones; I'm the ship's captain, not a cabana boy from Risa!"
Guess that meant his medical suggestions so far hadn't alleviated the problem, not that he'd expected them to.
"I can't keep my hands off her. I'm not sleeping and I'm leaving the bridge 4 or 5 times per shift -"
McCoy whistled unexpectedly at that admission. If Kirk was keeping that pace up daily he'd have to give him props - and vitamin shots. In fact, he was surprised Kirk could still walk.
"I mean, it's happening everywhere. Cargo bays - we've done 68 of them so far. The maintenance storage areas - Scotty heard us going at it and locked us in!"
Laughter erupted from the doctor, beyond his ability to control.
"I'll bet that rescue had a few eyebrows raised. Who'd you call to get you out?"
"Scotty. But he took his good old fashioned time getting there. So we had plenty of time- "
"I get the picture; have pity on the rest of us males. Continue."
"Bones, I'm beat -"
"I bet. Look whipped, too."
"BONES! I'm here for some help! What's wrong with me?"
"How's Uhura handling this? I mean, she's almost six months pregnant with twins. This isn't uncomfortable for her?"
"No! She's part of the problem. She never says 'No'. Never. It's like someone just gave you a table full of your favorite desserts and you have to eat them all, you can't just eat until you get tired."
"I hope you're not being literal, Jim."
"Not about the table. Wait a minute... We did it on a Mess Hall table, I think. But the desert? Yeah. I think there was whip cream and cherries and some -"
"Jim! Enough!"
"I agree! What the hell is wrong with me!?"
Having savored his friend's agony long enough, McCoy sat a small device on the desk between them and slapped his comm unit.
"McCoy to Uhura!"
"Uhura, here. How can I help you, Leonard?"
"Can you come down to Sick Bay. Jim's here and I think it will help if we're all together."
Kirk's expression changed three times.
First, Kirk's expression objected to including Uhura in the discussion of his arousal "problem".
Second, Kirk's face shot McCoy an "I thought you were gonna help!" look.
Lastly Kirk's panic at proximity to his wife landed on his features with an almost audible *thud* and decided to stay.
He looks like he's about to bolt outta that door, the doctor noted. Maybe this was more serious than the doctor knew. After all, an over-sexed Jim Kirk used to be the norm.
The smell of jasmine preceded her into the office. Kirk groaned as the front of his pants suddenly became too small. McCoy watched her easy walk across the med bay to his office. He had to admit that that walk, even when she was pregnant, could still make him wish he'd asked her out at the Academy.
"Hi, Len," she greeted the ship's curmudgeon - until she recognized her husband was the patient, "Jim! Are you okay, sweetheart? What's going on?"
It took only seconds of proximity for the device on the doctor's desk to scream, flash all of its lights and die, it's final death wail reminiscent of a police car driving off a cliff with its sirens blaring. McCoy picked the dead device up, hiding his shock; it only took 12 seconds to overload its sensor.
Poor, Jim... he couldn't believe he was saying it.
"Have a seat, hon. How're you feeling?"
"I'm good, Len, I'm really good. I'm ready for the morning sickness to be over."
"Getting enough rest?"
"I think so. The captain," - she emphasized, pointing at him with a hitchhiker's thumb - "modified my schedule so I get lots of naps in. What's going on? Is Jim okay?"
"Len" leaned forward to speak. Kirk's death kept his wife alert for any lingering side effects from the radiation poisoning or the serum from Khan's blood. He didn't want his pregnant patient worrying and upsetting the little Kirks still riding around inside her.
"No, hon. Nothing to do with Jim's accident. Do either of you know what this is?" he asked, holding up the now useless device.
Uhura shook her head "No" right away.
Kirk didn't because his eyes were firmly focused on her breasts. One of his hands absently stroked her exposed thigh below her uniform hem while the other made its way to his own -
"Get a grip, man! Have you ever seen one of these?"
Jim came to long enough to shake his head - both to clear it and to indicate he had no idea what the device might be.
"It's used on Orion in the sex houses. It measures pheromone output. Helps the tourists know which pleasure houses are the most... satisfying."
He paused to make sure they were listening. Uhura's attention focused completely on the device. Kirk's returned to her breasts, her thighs and his own crotch.
"Stay with me, Jimmy!"
Again the head shake rotated Kirk's eyes in McCoy's direction.
"Follow me here: Uhura, you just broke this device. Your pheromone count is so high it killed my tester. Jim, that's what's happening to you. That's why you two have been... at it... all day every day."
Bones' eyes shot open at Kirk's continued efforts to make contact with the pole holding up the tent in his pants.
"Uhura! - Can you do something about him? He can't be trying that while I'm here watching!"
"Sorry, Len..." she apologized, grabbing Kirk's hands in her own to keep them quiescent. It helped; Kirk's mouth delivered the question Uhura's head had been formulating before her efforts to keep him under control.
"We're not together all day, Bones. If we're not together, in the same room, why am I having this... problem?"
"Because you're married - and bonded to - an empathic telepath. Uhura, you told me once that you cast that Vulcan bonding spell on Jim on your honeymoon. Did it work?"
"Yes..." she purred.
McCoy's pants got a tad tight when she smiled that way. How could one woman do that to so many guys without trying? No wonder the late Mr. Spock spent half his time on Earth growling at other men.
"So you and Jim have a telepathic and empathic connection, right?"
"I can read him all the time - except when he's angry. Jim can read me during.. you know..."
"There's your problem. She's broadcasting but it's only on YOUR frequency. The pheromones went up when she got pregnant. And she's an empathic telepath. Pregnant woman have documented increases in sexual desire and arousal. You're bathing in your wife's desire to jump your bones 24 by 7."
Kirk's hands struggled to escape her tight grip. Just the discussion of sex with her had him sweating and breathing hard - not to mention tenting those tight uniform pants.
"Len, what can we do? I mean, I'm fine but Jim's not getting any sleep."
"Nothing."
That answer got the complete attention of Mr. And Mrs. Kirk.
"Nothing?" asked Mrs. Kirk.
"NOTHING!?" screamed Mr. Kirk.
"Anything I could give her, like the suppressors they use for Orions in transport, would cross the placenta and affect the twins. I know you don't want that. Anything I could give you, her psi talents will defeat."
"Bones, PLEASE! I need some HELP! I NEED SOME SLEEP, FOR GOD'S SAKE!"
A humble, pleading Kirk. Who would've thought he'd ever beg to be relieved of the responsibility of having sex with a beautiful woman? All's right with the universe, McCoy smiled.
Smiling happened so infrequently with his best friend that Kirk froze in terror.
"Here's my prescription. We have an isolation tank here. Blocks everything including psionic communications. I got it when Spock caught that virus and couldn't shield. Had half the crew swinging naked from the ceilings until we found a treatment."
McCoy flicked his eyes down to draw Uhura's attention back to Kirk's wayward hands. He'd almost released himself from the constricting pants by the time she got his hands back under her control.
"Jim, starting 5 minutes from now, you will be sleeping in the tank. You will report to Sick Bay every 12 hours until Uhura's hormones transition into the third trimester profile. By that time she'll be uncomfortable with your attentions and the pheromones should calm down. And I need you two on separate shifts; no sense tempting fate."
Kirk's relief came quickly despite his attempts to rub her hands against his crotch.
"Uhura will be needing your special gifts that last few weeks. The more sex you have with her near her due date, the easier her delivery will be. So save it up. Uhura, you think you'll be okay with him just half an Earth day?"
Smiling a naughty smile she kissed Jim on the forehead, rising a bit less than gracefully to balance her growing belly.
"I guess I'll have to make do, Len. I'll let Sulu know. When should I expect him home?"
"I'm gonna keep Studley Do-Right here a day or so and try to build his reserves back up."
"I appreciate that, Len."
The laugh his wife and best friend had at his expense would have been irritating if Jim Kirk had been awake to hear it.