I walk along, listlessly.
Not caring where the path may lead me.
Listening to the slow, heavy crunches of snow under my feet.
Despicable
Before I realise it, I'm back here again….back where it all happened one year ago.
Despicable
Unwillingly, I begin to recall everything…
I was there when it all happened. I remember every thought, emotion and impulse that rushed through my head, as I stood there, looking down on Niisan.
He was forcibly held down by two other exorcists, who wielded spears with Restraint Spells engraved into them. I could tell that Niisan was in pain, both from his severe injuries and from the spells. I tried to convince them that rescuing everyone was priority, but they managed to shut me up with the simple words: "Orders, sir".
"On charges of mass property damage and possible homicide, The Child of Satan has been deemed dangerous, and a risk to humankind." That's what they told me.
Niisan looked at me…his silent pleas piercing my heart.
Property damage? Homicide? BULL SHIT! Anyone who fought with us knew that it was thanks to Niisan we were still alive! It was true that Niisan went berserk, but isn't that only because he was pushed beyond his limits? Even with that bloody demon's carcass in front of them, these god-damn elitists refuse to recognise that he saved us all?! Bull shit!
I knew all that, and yet, I held my tongue.
Despicable
I thought that Niisan would struggle and scream…I thought that he would prove himself to be more than Satan's Child…like he did so many times. But he didn't. He just looked at me. And I just looked back. He looked down. I -
"Yukio, sorry for everything…"
NO!
"The Child of Satan is to be executed once located."
WHY!
Why did I not do anything? Why did I just watch as they prepared to execute Niisan, for his crimes which were outside of his own control? Why did they have to execute Niisan? To kill, murder, destroy, slaughter him?
Despicable
Somewhere in my heart I was glad that no-one told me to participate in the execution. What would I have done? Disobey orders? Murder my own brother? Trick them and release Niisan? I'm sure Niisan would have tried to let me escape if our situation was reversed. But no-one told me to do anything, and I was secretly glad about that. I knew everyone was mentally insulting me in different ways – "heartless brother", "goody two shoes", "unwilling to soil his own hands" – but even so I was glad.
Without the need to hold his life in my own hands, I was able to distance myself from the matter. It was bound to happen. We both knew his powers were a time bomb. They're right, Niisan is dangerous. This is for the best. This is….for the best.
Despicable
When I told Shiemi-san, she cried. She blamed herself for Niisan going berserk, because she was near death and he wanted to protect her. I tried to comfort her, but really I wanted to cry with her. Maybe if I was able to cry with her, I wouldn't have lived this whole year in denial.
Despicable
"Heyyyy"
A familiar voice releases me from my trance. I turn around to find Shura-san standing there, a sarcastic half grin spread over her face.
"Here to see the Memorial Tablet?"
I let out a sigh, and feel the steam from my breath dance across my face. Since that day, I have felt awkward talking with anyone who knew Niisan. It all felt so contrived. "Yeah, many died on that day. Their names are all engraved here…"
"But not Rin's."
"…I know."
"I'm not trying to blame you,"
"I know."
"It's been a year already,"
"I know."
"Oh gosh, would you stop that? You're like a damn robot, no fun! You were much more fun to mess with before Rin was executed"
I just stare blankly at the Memorial Tablet, as if I didn't hear the mention of Niisan. Instead I wonder how Shura-san can possibly wear so little in this freezing temperature. It seems to have become a habit to distract myself whenever Niisan is brought up.
Despicable
Suddenly I am thrown to the ground, in one swift move that came from who knows where, but most likely Shura-san.
"That hurt?"
"It did."
"THEN SCREAM! Scream like a normal person! Ever since that day, you've been a god-damn zombie, just living through the passing days as if nothing has anything to do with you anymore! Rin is dead! He was executed! Killed! You weren't able to stop it, so live with it!"
Despicable
I suddenly feel something mysterious and aggressive welling up inside me….a tempest of emotions. My eyes are hot, my throat is dry, but I scream, like I haven't done in a long time.
Despicable
"You're wrong! It's not that I was unable to stop it….I didn't do anything to stop it!"
Despicable
Shura is staring at me in shock, but I don't care. My hands find their way to my head, they dig their nails into my skull, it hurts, but I don't care.
Despicable
"I watched - and I thought - about it over and over…that single hour felt like a decade! But I just stood there and let them….let them -"
Now I'm starting to choke. Choke on these horrid emotions of mine. Horrid? No! How could they be? They are the…
"Proof…proof of how despicable I am…I stood there and let them murder my own brother! Despicable! God-damn despicable! How could I? Niisan would have done anything in his power to save me, and yet I –"
Guilt. Guilt. Guilt, filling my despicable lungs and bursting out of every pore of my skin.
"Yet you, what?" Shura pressures me, gently.
"I…i…i..I—I was afraid…"
Shock. Utter shock, on my part. Why was I afraid? Niisan's the one that was being executed, why on earth was I afraid?
"Yukio…" I didn't notice since when Shura was crouching next to me. Her expression is the most sincere one I have ever witnessed on her face. "I'm sorry, this is Shirou's fault, and mine. You loved Rin more than anybody. But, from when you were young, Shirou taught you how to fight demons, and that demons are to be exorcised or tamed."
My baffled mind is struggling to make sense of everything, but I process what I can, and listen on as Shura continues.
"So, when you found out that Rin was a demon, you became afraid that one day you would have to exorcise him personally. You tried desperately, but subconsciously, to control him, to tame him, so that he wouldn't be exorcised. You tried to make him follow the rules, and every time he didn't, your fear increased. You…"
A pause. An unbearably oppressive pause. The gears in my mind spin, glitch, spin again, and glitch again.
"Are you saying…that I didn't stop them…because I was afraid of being made to kill Niisan personally?"
Shura looked at the ground. A year ago I would have gotten angry and demanded she look me in the eye. Now I just wait for her response.
"I'm sorry. I noticed this tension between you two a long time ago, but didn't think that it would turn out to torture you so much. If I knew, I-…I would have…"
I'm still looking at Shura, but I don't see her anymore…Now I'm just thinking…
So that's why. Why I let Niisan die, why I let myself live on in this emotional coma, why I was so unwilling to admit everything.
Somehow, everything makes sense now.
Somehow, everything is lighter now.
Somehow, this snow covered world around me is glowing with a new warmth.
Somehow, I'm sure Niisan knew all this already. That stupid Niisan, he always stopped being selfish at the most problematic times.
"Thanks Shura-san, I feel….lighter now. I'm sure…that Niisan wouldn't mind if I lived my own life from here on, right?"
"Yeah, I'm sure"
Author's Note
Well...I certainly didn't expect the first fanfiction I publish to be an Ao no Exorcist one...and guess what? I have a 1300word essay due tomorrow, and instead I wrote a 1300word fanfic! Ha!
But anywho, this is my first published work, and while it seems like a work of art to me, I'm sure that the story doesn't flow very well and feels really broken and chopped up. It seems that my stories are often like that.
Since everything is clear in my mind, I'm sure I've missed details and explanations here and there, to show what the story's background or what is happening, but I try to pretend to be poetic and convince myself that "it's more fun for readers to guess and imagine what's happening" so deal with it...please.
On a side note, I got the idea for this after seeing a fanart on "zerochan . net". You can find it if you go onto the website and add "/1564146" onto the end of the website address. The fanart itself looks nothing like my mental image of this fanfic, it was more like one idea took on a life of its own.
Well, I hope you enjoyed that, even remotely. Apologies for any vocab or grammar mistakes.