Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece.
Author's Note: This is a oneshot based in the universe of a story where Ace and Luffy are sent a babysitter (Cadet Smoker) who saves Sabo. Later the trio are assigned to serve under Smoker when Garp forces them to join the Marines (despite them being MAJOR pirate fanboys). To Smoker's great despair Luffy goes about recruiting people to join the Marines and they keep being assigned to serve under him (Smoker) to keep all the troublemakers in one place. All that Smoker gets in return is a lot of promotions and troublesome recruits.
Crew of the 'Thousand Sunny': Smoker, Ace, Sabo, Luffy, Strawhat Piartes (Nami, Zoro, Sanji, Chopper, Franky, Robin, Brooke, Usopp), Tashigi and Coby
Smoker had the 'honor' of being Rear-Admiral and being put in charge of a crew of the craziest group of Marines ever.
Naturally, some of them were actually surprisingly well-behaved: Tashigi and Coby, for example, who were true examples of everything a Marine should be. Though some of the others could appear to be the perfect Marine.
Unfortunately, he couldn't say the same for the rest.
Smoker's future had been decided the moment he had agreed to do 'one small favor' for Vice-Admiral Garp, knowing that doing favors for superiors was a sure-fire way to get promoted. In this case, if he could, he would go back in time to tell his younger self to tell Garp no, to immediately quit the Marines or to run away screaming.
Instead, his naïve idiot past self had accepted and found himself sent to check up on Garp's grandsons. He arrived in time to save one of them from being killed and had then found himself remaining there to serve as their babysitter.
Being a Marine who is forced to babysit three brats discussing freely their plans to become pirates was not fun. But he had persevered and been joyful when the three had been inducted into the Marines (cursing, swearing revenge and still plotting on becoming pirates anyway).
At last, he was free!
And then he was given three new recruits and told to work them hard.
He should have retired them.
He actually did try to retire but he was actually instead promoted. Resistance was futile, freedom was impossible.
Aboard the Thousand Sunny (which is actually a Marine ship despite the fact that it has a pirate flag, sometimes it's easier just to give up) there is one rule that is always obeyed.
Actually, there is more than one rule (such as, for example, if Smoker is in his 'meditation room' he is not to be disturbed for any reason unless the boat is sinking) but there was only one that he stood by (since he didn't have to fear that the crew members would kill each other, actually so long as Garp's grandsons lived, no matter their health, he was completely fine with what they did).
The rule was: no sex permitted on the Thousand Merry, go off ship for that.
He had enacted the rule after Chopper had a panic attack upon walking in on Sanji and Zoro going at it in the infirmary. Zoro had been recovering from a couple injuries that happened during a recent battle and Sanji had decided to take advantage of the presence of a bed and privacy. Then had been the suspicious noises from the kitchen shortly after Zoro's release from the infirmary.
So Smoker had made the rule and announced that whoever broke it would suffer his wrath (and have to pay out of their pocket for Luffy's food budget for a year).
Naturally, he had not expected a tearful Coby to approach him and state that he hoped that Smoker's decision wasn't due to his rather new relationship with Nami (and that it wasn't a problem since fraternization was frowned upon, but Smoker had realized rather quickly how unlikely it was that there was anyone who wasn't a member of the crew who wouldn't be driven or already be insane due to the relationship and so Smoker had given up on spending time with someone having actual sanity) . Truthfully, Smoker had hoped that Coby and Tashigi would get together…but the thought of Nami with Sabo (who Tashigi had recently started to date) made him fear for the world and decided that Coby and Nami was the lesser of two evils.
He gave the crew a bullshit excuse about sex messing up people's attention and that it was easier to just have no sex on the ship so that they'd concentrate on their duties.
He didn't tell anyone that the reason was because Sanji and Zoro tended to cause a lot of damage in their 'mating rituals' and he was tired of having to pay for the damage they caused and then the later therapy after they were stumbled upon (again) fornicating in public. In fact, he had proved to his superiors that it was cheaper to enforce the 'no sex on the ship' rule and pay for the hotel rooms (he had shown the diagrams, graphs and charts proving it but he was pretty sure the clincher was them walking in on Zoro and Sanji going at it in the kitchen…naturally the table was replaced).
Naturally, he did spend a lot of time with the navigators (Nami, Coby, and Sabo) as they mapped out their routes so there was about a week between islands. Sanji and Zoro started to get antsy when it hit that long and he started having to check for arsenic in his coffee (and hands appearing out of nowhere to break his neck, the only thing he could say referring to that pairing was that he wished Franky the best).
It had been three months, they were hopelessly lost.
WHERE WAS A FUCKING ISLAND?
He was no longer interested in finding an island big enough to have a town with hotels that he could send the crew to. Now he was interested in something larger than a rock. He was dodging assassination attempts practically on the hour.
"LAND!" Usopp suddenly yelled, sounding almost gleeful (which made sense since Zoro and Sanji had taken to targeting him as an easy target).
The ship was about twenty miles away from the island. Smoker didn't even both to search for a town and instead aimed for the closet beach. It didn't take very long for them to be docked and he was pretty sure that Zoro and Sanji had jumped prior to the ship being anchored (again), most likely not even bothering to give a bullshit excuse that only Luffy would believe (Chopper, surprisingly, actually knew about sex if only because he was a doctor and was knowledgeable on a variety of sexually transmitted diseases, when Smoker was feeling pained due to the crew's 'lust' he would inform the doctor that he should perform check-ups in case they caught an STD, he always found it entertaining since the crew seemed to have the belief that Chopper was innocent and childlike when one only had to glance through the books in his medical library and know that he was anything but). If he were a part of a typical crew he'd be annoyed or worried but he knew it was typical of them and hoped that they managed to reach the not-too-distant trees first.
As expected, it took three days for the sole homosexual couple to return (Ace didn't count as homosexual yet because for some reason he believed himself to be straight despite the fact that he routinely had sex dreams featuring the first division commander of Whitebeards crew, Marco, and Smoker was praying that the two never hooked up). They were both quite cheerful, even if they were attacked by pirates (who they dealt with ruthlessly) on the second day of their 'vacation' (the pirates were rather traumatized and Smoker had no desire whatsoever to find out if that was because they'd been defeated naked…and/or after their defeat they'd been forced to listen to the two have sex…Sanji and Zoro didn't seem to mind having an audience, something everyone on the Thousand Sunny had learned to their detriment).
It was obvious that they had gotten laid; which was quite annoying for Smoker since it had been years since he'd been able to sneak away so he could get a bit of action (things kept happening when he tried to).
The two looked quite smug (as did the others)…
Goddammit, he was going to send in another transfer request! If that didn't work maybe he could retire.
He was a Rear Admiral!
If that didn't work he'd give himself a serious injury that would handicap him permanently. He'd cut off an arm or a leg…or maybe both arms or both legs. He was desperate enough.
Lucky him, now he was Vice-Admiral.