Harry Potter and the Horrors of Camping
-7:32 A.M., Hogwarts-
"OK! Listen up you little maggot-children! I am Snape, the potions master! I am very scary! Professor Dumbledore said that I need to relax more often so that I become less scary and stop giving small children nightmares when they sleep. So, he decided that I have to go on this accursed camping trip with the rest of the student body and the staff. He has also decided to make me explain all of the horrid rules to you evil devil-spawned things they call children," began Professor Snape, the very scary potions master.
"Well, to start with, each of the different Years will be divided into separate sections of the camping grounds because the Satan-people like you tend to get into fights very frequently. Each of the cabins will NOT be divided into boys' and girls', so suck it up you filthy vermin-like creatures. There will be a member of the staff to lead each cabin. If one of you things bites the other and you suddenly get rabies, contact this person. But take your time, we don't want you to live anyway. We will also be taking day trips to rid ourselves of this nasty, repulsively and buggy place every now and again. Do not bring any personal items or clothes, because the wild mongoose and rabid chipmunks will eat them. Thus, we must, unfortunately, accompany you brainless rodent-resembling scumbags to the Muggle death factory known as a Mall to buy you the needed items. The head of your cabin will be your group leader as well, so cling to each other so that you don't get lost and hopefully spread a plague that will kill you all in some form. I hate people. Now, if you disease-infested imbeciles will mount your brooms so that we can all -- OOMPH!" Snape didn't get a chance to finish his final sentence because at that moment every single student at Hogwarts took off, most students hitting Snape in the face or in the stomach, therefore knocking him off his rather large and smelly feet.
-9:54 A.M., Flying-
"I believe I can fly! I believe I can touch the sky! All I wanted was a chicken wing -- MMPH!" Ron's mouth was promptly covered by Hermione's hand. Ron glared at her, muttered something incomprehensible, and spat into Hermione's palm. Hermione, momentarily taken aback, shrieked and let out a stream of obscenity that is even to dirty for America to hear. And nothing is too dirty for America to hear.
"…EW! EWEWEWEWEW! GROSS! RON, YOU SICK FREAK! YOU BLOODY IDIOT--" Hermione gasped, and covered her mouth. She had just sworn (about 36 times) for the first time in her life. She was so preoccupied with her astonishment that she didn't notice the oncoming floating brick wall in the sky. Why there was a brick wall floating randomly in the sky, I do not know. There are lots of questions that I do not know that answer to. Such as, why do coconuts resemble bowling balls, or why Kentucky is a funny name for a state, or why is Pennsylvania more squarish-looking then New York. I honestly don't know. But, anyway, as I was saying…
"BOOM!" (sound effects by Ron) Hermione collided with the brick wall, which sent her soaring backwards into Ron. By doing this, she knocked Ron off his broom, which sent them sprawling into Harry. Harry went flying backward with Ron and Hermione into Snape, the very scary potions master and knocked him off his broom. They all managed to cling to Snape's broom, and had a marvellous time watching Snape fall, and fall, and fall, and fall, and fall, and fall until, with a spectacular explosion, he plummeted into the ground. Harry still heard his girlish screams, and grinned to himself.
"OK, students! We are here!" cried Professor McGonagall. Everyone cheered, and steered their brooms toward the ground. Ron, Hermione and Harry all directed Snape's broom downward. Their own brooms followed because they're just messed up like that. When they landed, the trio saw a bruised and dishevelled Snape-the-very-scary-potions-master climbing out of a deep hole in the ground. Everyone sat there, waiting. Snape limped over. He spat out a mouthful of dirt and coughed.
"I think I accidentally snorted a beaver up my nose… ugh… repulsive creatures. Anyway, you mud-brained idiots, we have arrived. Now…" he called off all of the Years one by one. Finally, he reached sixth year. "Ah, yes… There are two cabins for sixth years… The head of Cabin One will be Professor Sprout, and the head of Cabin Two will be Professor Flitwick. If you have any questions or complaints, it would be upon yourselves to keep them hidden in the very deep and cobwebby corners of your undeveloped minds," said Snape. "Now, shoo -- ARGH!" Ron, Harry, and the rest of the boys bowled him over, racing for the two professors to be placed in a cabin. The girls, sighing at the immatureness of the boys, followed them and made sure to "accidentally" step on Snape with a polite, "Oops!"
-10:06 A.M., Camping Grounds-
When every sixth year finally made it over, the two faculty members could hardly breathe. Everyone was crammed so tightly around them to hear their names be called that there was one Hufflepuff that was wedged so tightly against Crabbe and Goyle that their blubber swallowed him up. The two teachers shuddered at this mildly disturbing sight, and Professor Sprout began to read off of her list.
"OK, I am by no means going in alphabetical order. I don't know why. I shall begin. Seamus Finnigan, Dean Thomas, Michael Corner, Colin Creevey, Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Ron Weasley, Draco Malfoy, Gregory Goyle, I-forget-your-first-name Crabbe, Pansy Parkinson, Lavender Brown, Neville Longbottom, Luna Lovegood, Ernie Macmillan, and Ginny Weasley. Ginny, I know that you are not a sixth year, but you're on the list so whatever," ended Professor Sprout. Everyone rushed off to their cabins to claim a bunk before Professor Flitwick could even begin, somehow managing to trample Snape once again.
When they arrived at the cabin, a putrid smell reached their nostrils. Hermione turned green and covered her mouth. Harry glanced down and noticed random piles of moose dung all over. Careful not to step in any, Harry lead his cabin-mates into the creaky old thing. When Harry opened the door, its hinges were so rusty that it fell atop Malfoy and the rest of his gang. Ron and Harry sniggered, Hermione rolled her eyes, and Seamus burped. Everyone else just stood there, looking into space and wondering what was for lunch.
"OK, so… who's going in first?" asked Harry. Everyone besides him and Ron backed away, giving the cabin wary looks. They sighed, and stepped inside. Harry gasped at the vastness of it all. An enormous and incredibly clean house stood before them. Or, at least, the interiors of a house. There were three rooms, all of which were perfect in every way and spotlessly clean. In one corner of the cabin, there were seven mahogany bunk beds. A matching mahogany night stand stood between each bunk bed. There was a small kitchen in another room, complete with every appliance known to man and a table that could seat twenty. In one of the corners closest to Harry, there was a room that served as a den, complete with a simply huge bookshelf (to Hermione's pleasure), an enormous sofa, a cupboard full of board games, and a TV (although only a few people in knew how to use it properly).
"OMIGOD!" shrieked Ron in an incredibly girlish way. He ran and flung himself onto one of the beds, sighing in bliss. "IT'S A TEMPURPEDIC, HARRY! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH ONE OF THOSE BLOODY THINGS COST?!" Harry rolled his eyes, and motioned for the others to come in. After ogling the cabin's innards for several minutes, they all went to claim a bunk. There were three bunk beds on one side of the room and four on the other side. Hermione (of course) chose the one below Ron. Next to them, Colin and Dean bunked together. Beside them was Pansy and Draco. Crabbe and Goyle got the beds across from Ron and Hermione. Seamus bunked with Ernie, Neville with Luna, and Harry with Ginny (duh). They lay there for exactly 1.632 seconds before interrupted by a booming whistle and a bellowing voice. Ron was so startled that he rolled out of bed a landed atop a random toaster, which consequentially gave him pants full of toast.
"OK! WE ARE LEAVING FOR THE MUGGLE MALL OF MALLTOWN IN SEVERAL SECONDS! LETS GO!" They filed into the room, toast and all. "We are going to apparate there," said Professor Sprout. "Then you will have to pair up with the people in your bunk, as we can't allow you to get lost and accidentally end up with toast down your pants…" Ron looked down sheepishly. "Lets go…" Since not everyone could apparate, they all grabbed a hold of Professor Sprout. The familiar sensation of being squeezed through the insides of a sink pipe, and, "POOF!" (sound effects courtesy of Ron) They were there.
-10:37 A.M., Malltown Mall, Ron and Hermione-
"So… you've been in one of these dreadful places before… show me around!" said Ron with a surprising amount of enthusiasm. That was probably because Hermione had grabbed his hand to drag him to the nearest shop. Ron looked at the name and, having no clue what Abercrombie and Fitch was (not that it mattered), followed her in. Of course, two students from a magical school in Europe wearing things that looked like black dressing gowns were looked at oddly in this store.
"Oh, Ron! Isn't this simply WONDERFUL?" cried Hermione, picking up a t-shirt that read the store's name. Ron nodded vigorously, noting that the size of the shirt was XXS. Hermione in a tight tee… he thought. Yum… Hermione noticed that Ron was beginning to drool, and looked at him curiously. The small incline of her head made her look simply adorable; or at least in Ron's mind.
"OK… then… um… OH! RIGHT! We simply MUST get you some of these!" She held up a nautical polo and shoved several different colors of it into Ron's hands. She also piled on top of the shirts with more shirts, and what seemed like thousands of jeans. A swimsuit was among them, as well as a pair of flip flops. "Go try these on! Wait, no, wait until I'm finished gathering my things. Then you can tell me how I look!" she said. Hot… thought Ron. Hermione, rushing to grab as many things as possible, shoved Ron into the clearance area. "Go see what you can find for me!" she said.
Ron, staggering and nearly dropping the mountain of clothing in his hand, searched around. He picked out a few more tight tees until something spotted his eye. He snatched some of the skimpiest bikinis and shorts he could find, sprinted back to Hermione, and deposited her things. Panting, he said, "Let's go try these on…" They found an employee, and she checked to see what dressing rooms were open.
"Sorry, there's only one." She handed Hermione the key, and walked off. "Oh, well! We'll just go in at the same time!" she said. Apparently she was eager to leave and go to the next store. Before she could realize her mistake, she led them both in. Ron was now beginning to create a small pond of drool. Hermione must be on drugs! I guess being up so high in the air got to her… hmm… may as well like it while it lasts!
-11:02 A.M., Malltown Mall, Harry and Ginny-
"Harry, you've been to a place like this before… where do you want to go?" asked Ginny. Harry gazed at the wide expanse of Muggles and shops featured all around him. He was looking around when something spotted his eye. His grin widened, and his eyes bulged. There, standing like the gateway to heaven, was Starbucks. Harry clutched Ginny's hand for dear life (Ginny promptly turned the color of a rather ripe tomato), and then screamed with all of his might, "HOLY CRAP, THERE'S A STARBUCKS HERE? OMIGOD! WE'RE GOING IN!" Then, still clutching Ginny's hand, raced toward the shop which smelled vaguely of cinnamon and coffee… Harry turned back and looked at Ginny. Delicious… he thought -- but it wasn't because of the smell.
As they walked inside, Harry was lured to the menu by a number of appetizing scents emanating from behind the counter. Ginny was lured to the menu because of the appetizing scents that were luring Harry to the menu. They stood there, Harry's eyes boggling at the sight of so many things. So little time, so much to -- but Harry's thoughts were interrupted by a lady who seemed about Ginny's age, smiling seductively at him. She had silky golden hair, luscious lips, and an hourglass figure. Not to mention the biggest breasts ever known to mankind. Harry's eyes were drawn directly from the menu to those beauties. "Hey, hottie, wanna go play somewhere -- URGH!" the blonde goddess didn't get a chance to complete her sentence, as Ginny, with a maniac, blazing fire in her eyes, tackled the lady.
"BACK OFF, HE'S MINE!" she roared. A cloud of dust erupted magically as they battled it out over who's Harry was. Poor Harry was transfixed upon the catfight, but his stomach grumbled loudly. Customers had now wandered over to the counter and watched lazily, not bothering to break up the fight. Harry, who shook his head profusely and now had what seemed like a minor earthquake in his stomach, bellowed, "YO! JUST GIVE ME SOME FUDGING COFFEE!"
As though a mystical hand pulled the two rabid women off of each other, the blonde clutched onto the countertop for support, and, panting heavily, said, "Sure! What type would you like?" The customers, now seeing that the catfight had ended, wandered back to their corner. Ginny popped up beside her, glared daggers at the golden-haired beauty, and grumpily slouched over to Harry. She was muttering something about "I wish she would wash her hands and stick them in the toaster" or something like that.
"Um… how about a Mocha Bean?" said Harry. "Sure!" said the blonde, and she limped off to get some. Ginny, who looked a mess at the moment, strayed over to the bathroom to redo her hair and makeup. The blonde, who's nametag read "Melinda," limped back over to Harry. She handed him a steaming hot cup of coffee. Smiling brightly, Harry paid her and went to sit down. Harry didn't notice, but Ginny had come out of the bathroom. Just as he tipped the cup of scorching liquid to his mouth, Ginny slapped the bottom of the cup and sent its burning contents all over Harry. "BLOODY IDIOT!" she screamed at him, and stormed off. Harry, not realizing what had just happened until now, shouted at the top of his lungs, "OW OW OW! HOT!"
Want to see more? Review or else Ginny will dump steaming hot coffee all over you while you're sleeping! No flames -- or else… DUN DUN DUN! ILY ALL! OrganicFruitDrink