It shouldn't feel this way. They shouldn't be laughing, making jokes like nothing happened. Like he didn't just lose one of his best friends. Like it wasn't his fault. It shouldn't feel that way, but it doesn't. Allison is this dull ache in the deepest of his heart, a memory. Nothing more, nothing less.
They sit around his house with pizza and the entire Star Wars collection, it's fine. It makes him feel normal. Makes him feel as if nothing went down a month ago. They're all just a bunch of good friends like they were before shit went southwards. Except now, Derek's there too. He watches the movie from the armchair in the corner of the room. He's silent, doesn't contribute to the conversations, but he is there, and that's what matters most to Stiles. He doesn't know where they stand right now. Sometimes it feels as if he's getting to see parts of Derek no one else has seen before. The deeper emotions he hides so well, they are revealed when they sit around in his room, doing nothing at all. Just being with each other, close proximity and shared breaths and silence. Lots of silence, but Derek is there, and Stiles is there and that's what matters. Even now, when the end credits roll and Isaac is about to start whining about too much Luke Skywalker than necessary, and Derek's annoyed, Stiles can tell.
But it's alright, because three seconds later, he throws a pillow at Isaac's face and he pouts while everyone laughs. Derek doesn't but that's fine because he catches Stiles' eyes. He knows what it feels like, feels the pain centering his heart and soul and knows that making other people laugh, people he cares about, making them happy is so much better than crying over what you couldn't give them. Derek gives him nothing, really. But it is so much to Stiles. And when he goes into the kitchen to grab another slice of pizza, he brushes his fingers against Derek's arm. A gesture much smaller than the meaning behind it.
And yeah, maybe it should feel this way. Maybe the scars carved into his heart and mind will fade away, somehow. Because when he looks around one more time before disappearing into the other room, there's a look on Derek's face. A faint shade of green in his eyes. And a small, genuine twitch on his lips that could actually be a smile, someday.