This fic is set after during "Dead Things" and continues on from there… serious Spuffy action here. I do not own Buffy, Spike, Xander, Willow, Tara, Dawn, Anya, or any other familiar "Buffy" characters. They belong to the talented Joss Whedon. I have borrowed some parts from the show but I do not take any credit for them. They belong to the gifted Joss Whedon.

Buffy flushed the toilet as she regained her strength, or what was left of it. Slowly, she stood up and held the edge of the sink as she turned the water on. The warm water felt good on her face. She looked up into the mirror and paused. Was this really happening? Her face was sullen and ghostly. She had bags under her eyes very poorly covered with cover-up. She pulled herself away from the mirror and down the stairs. No one was home but her and the house was eerily quiet. That is, until there was a small knock on the door. She took a deep breath and opened to door.

"Hey Buffy." Tara said warmly.

"Hey Tara. Come on in." Buffy faked a smile and walked into the living room, sitting on the coffee table. She winced briefly before sitting down. Tara took notice.

"Are you alright, Buffy?" Tara asked with concern written on her face. Her blue eyes frowned as she waited for an answer. She took a seat on the couch across from Buffy.

"It's nothing. I'm just not feeling too well today." She liked the way Tara cared about her. It made her feel a little less guilty. Spike. I used him. I should feel guilty. All of it. I deserve it. The guilt is back.

"Buffy?"

"Huh? Oh, sorry. I just, uh, zoned out for a second." Buffy said, blinking a few times. She gave a polite smile.

"Perhaps this news will have you feeling a bit better." Tara said as she smiled, obviously happy about something. "I did what you asked and researched your—uh, what you said this morning. You didn't come back different."

Buffy panicked. I have to be different. This isn't me. "Are you sure?"

"I-I've double checked everything. There's nothing wrong with you." Tara smiled assuringly.

Tears filled Buffy's eyes. "Then why can Spike hurt me?"

"Well, I said that there was nothing wrong with you, but ... you are different. Shifting you out of ... f-f-from where you were ... funneling your essence back into your body ... i-it, it altered you on a basic molecular level. Probably just enough to confuse the sensors or whatever in Spike's chip. But it's all just surfacey physical stuff. It wouldn't have any more effect than ... a bad sunburn."

"I didn't come back wrong?" Buffy looked down at herself in confusion.

"No, you're the same Buffy. With a deep tropical cellular tan."

"You must have missed something. Will you check again?" Buffy asked as tears fell onto her cheeks.

Tara looked at Buffy and her heart felt for her. "Buffy, I-I promise, there's nothing wrong with you."

"There has to be! This just can't be me, it isn't me." Buffy cried. "Why do I feel like this? Why do I let Spike do those things to me?" Her face was wet with tears. They stung her cheeks as they made their way to her cracked, dry lips.

"You mean hit you." Tara asked. Buffy looked up at Tara, and then back down as more tears began to fall. Tara was starting to understand.

" Oh." She whispered. She rubbed her knees nervously. "Oh, huh. Really."

"He's everything I hate. He's everything that ... I'm supposed to be against. But the only time that I ever feel anything is when ... And now…" Buffy began to whisper in shame. "I'm carrying his…" As Buffy looks up Tara is speechless at what she just heard. "Don't tell anyone, please." Buffy begged.

"I won't." Tara said honestly. Her eyes began to tear.

"The way they would look at me ... I just couldn't..."

"I won't tell anyone. I wouldn't do that."

"Why can't I stop? Why do I keep letting him in?"

"Do you love him?"

Buffy just stares at her tearfully.

"I-It's okay if you do. He's done a lot of good, and, and he does love you. A-and Buffy, it's okay if you don't. You're going through a really hard time, and you're...""What? Using him? What's okay about that? And now… I've messed up so bad…"

"It's not that simple." Tara said, trying to get through to her friend.

"It is! It's wrong. I'm wrong. Tell me that I'm wrong, please..." Buffy cried. "Please don't forgive me, please...Please don't..."

She slides off the table onto the floor, kneeling, putting her head in Tara's lap. Tara looking uncertain, puts her hands comfortingly on Buffy's head.

"Please don't forgive me..." Buffy mumbles, crying uncontrollably.

Tara strokes her hair gently as she continues crying.