First of WARRING if you are easily triggered by rape then don't read there is a rape scene in this chapter. Probably might be the only rape scene I will write.

How ever this will be a dark story hoping to lighten it up as we go along. At the start of every chapter there will be a part of the lyrics.

I have to say that this type of writing is out of my comfort zone but I am going to go through with it because it was inspired by a song my friend wrote. At first I thought of making it a one shot but ideas came into my head so here goes nothing…

….

I'm in my room alone

You don't know how hard I've fought

I don't want you to know

Of all these thoughts that keep plaguing me

These demons all in my head

For the past two years I have been in this hell hole. I mean it its just a hole in the wall. Well maybe I don't mean it literally but still being in here has been hell. You may think I am complaining but if you had been here all along you would want outs too.

There is nothing comforting about the plain white walls and halls with rows and rows of doors. Nothing comforting about all the stupid people that surround me or the fucked up doctors that tell you, you are not right.

Shut the fuck up and tell them where you are!

Right. Sorry.

So I am in the Sinclair's mental institution, basically a crazy house. My parents placed me in here. Why? Well that's simple cause I am fucked in the head!

NO. WE. ARE. NOT!

Well maybe if you would go away they wouldn't think I'm fucked up!

I was always bother to my parents. They had me at a very young age but neither had the courage to get rid of me. There for I became a burden to them, I had all I needed but I basically raised my self. Charlie and Renee, my so called parents were hardly ever home. I would always stay with a neighbor or at my aunt's house. This is where I probably became so fucked up. Since my aunt's house was too far my parents thought that it would be a good idea for my cousin to come live with us.

I bet you are wondering how I ended up in here.

As if they would care about us?!

Shut up and let me finish.

You may also wonder who I keep talking to. Well that's me talking to… well ME. Doctors here would call it a split personality. Me personally I just think its my subconscious. Any ways back as to how I got in here.

Two years ago

I woke up as I have everyday with out any motivations to life. In all honesty I want to die, this is how I have felt every day for the past three years. Nothing has change and I never thought anything was going to change.

My alarm went off, I knocked it and got out of bed then went to the bathroom to get ready for school. It was my first day of sophomore year.

I got up and entered the bathroom and went to take a shower. My parents had left last night to L.A. so I was all alone except for my one nightmare.

The water cascade down my back washing away all the filth I felt on my body, when the shower door slid open.

His bare hands graced my shoulder making me flinch. He pulling my hair away from my back. I started sobbing knowing what was coming my way.

"shh. Shh. Its all going to be okay. You know I love you" His touch was rough and heavy. The sobs started to shake my body as he pressed him self to me. I could feel his already hard member pressing on the inside of my thighs.

"Pleased…" I still pleaded after all the times. I don't know why if he never listens. He had robbed me from my innocence and kept on torturing me since then

"shhh don't cry." his lips pressed on my shoulder and his hands pulled at my hips while his lifted up a bit

"Come on don't you like it"

"N..no" his other hand went up to my breast.

"I know you do." He pushed my feet a part and slide in to me roughly.

"Please just stop!" he covered my mouth and kept going in and out of me relentlessly. My whimpers and sobs died in his hands. While his groans and moans sounded in my ear. I wanted nothing but to be dead in this instant. I was thankful he never lasted so long.

After he left I sat on the floor under the shower and let it wash what it could. Once I was able to calm down, I got up and scrubbed my skin till it was a red like color but even then I still felt dirty. I got into my room and pulled out a black jeans pants and a black hoodie and started walking to school. I used to eat breakfast at home but then it became too much to sit on the same table and look at him. Eventually I started eating breakfast at school when I felt like I could stomach it.

Monique was the only girl at school that I could call a friend. She was friends with Lauren, Sylvia and Jessie. Monique had asked me to come with her later in the night to Lauren's party. Knowing my parents won't be home I agreed to go with her.

At the end of the school day Monique came with me home. She knew I hated being home but I never told her why. Even after she found out that I used to cut, she still stayed. A couple times she tried to ask me why but she never pushed the issue. After she met Eddie my cousin, Monique started to get suspicious but I denied it because I knew what he would do to me if I ever said anything.

At Lauren's birthday.

I was by the stairs with my back pressed to it talking to Lauren and Monique. When someone took me by the arm and yanked me away.

"Ugh that hurts!" I shut up when I saw a very drunk Eddie standing there.

"Why are you not HOME!"

"Because I asked her to come with me!" Monique came next to me and pulled me to her side and Lauren stood next to her.

"And this is my party. I don't believe I invited you here so leave!"

"I'm not leaving with out her"

"She is staying with me this week end so you can leave" I tried to move from Monique's side but she wouldn't let me.

"Please Monique I… have to go"

"No Bella. I won't let you go with him. I know…" her eyes were pleading and I knew she was concerned about me.

"Isabella!" I always flinched when he called me by my full name, it meant that he was pissed and I was in for a lot more than he just using me.

"Please Monique don't make this worst?"

"Fine. If you are not coming with me then I will come with you"

"No please you can't do that." She left no other option as she tugged me out of the party that night. Eddie followed us close behind smiling at me and looking at Monique up and down. I couldn't let him touch her, that much I knew. She was nothing but good to me, and if I had to be honest. I loved her in a way I didn't love anyone else. I didn't know if I was in love with her but I knew I loved her too much to let him taint her. Monique drive us back to my house. The closer we got the more my skin crawled with fear. We got out and went inside. Eddie went into the kitchen to get a beer.

"Isabella!"

"I'm coming" I took Monique's hand and look at her.

"Please Leave. I don't want anything to happen to you" she came next to me and held my face in her hands

"I won't leave you alone with him. I know you don't want me to know but I am not stupid. I can see the way you flinch when someone touches you or gets too close but I am the only one whom you don't coward from." I took her hands in mine and nodded.

"Okay but go upstairs. I'll be their in a bit. Promise me you won't come down regardless of what you hear."

"Isabella!"

"I can't promise that."

"Yes you can. You must, I can't have him hurt you too!"

"Isabellaaa!"

"okay I promise" I watch her leave then I went in to find him standing by the counter.

"where is your friend?"

"Please leave her out of this" he came and grabbed me by my jaw very hard.

"Did you tell her?!"

"No. No I didn't" he released me but his hand connected with the side of my face.

"I don't believe you." I fell to on the edge of the table hitting my head.

"get up stupid bitch!" I forced my self to stand up but my vision was blurry. He yanked me up by my hair and through me on the table pulling at my pants I started crying.

"When I'm done with you she will be next!"

"No please. No." he slapped me again and blood filled my mouth.

"YOU FUCKER THAT'S THE LAST TIME YOU HURT HER!" a loud thud sounded followed by a body hitting the floor.

My only fear was that it would be Monique's body and not his. I sat up wiping my mouth.

"are you okay?" her voice was laced with worry and concern but it was a relief to know she was okay. Her hands were on my hips.

"Yes."

"Come on let's get out of here before.." Eddie got up and pulled her by her hair sending her backwards causing her to hit her head on the edge of the counter blood started dripping of her head.

"You stupid little tramp she is not going anywhere! She is mine do you get that?!" Monique was trying to get up but he kicked her.

You gonna stand there and watch him hurt her?

NO.

THE LET ME FUCKING DO SOMETHING!

I couldn't watch him hurt her anymore. Next to me there was vase with flowers in it, I took it and got of the table, smashing it to the back of his head. He grunt and fell on top of Monique. We both pushed him away from her.

"I'm so sorry" I touch the side of her face and cleaned it with a cloth that was on the counter.

"Don't apologize. You didn't do this."

"But its my fault you are here."

"No it's not. I came of my own will." I took her to the living room and sat her down. Her head was still bleeding.

" Stay here I will get the first aid kit."

Are you going to let him get away with all this?

He hurt Monique!

Monique the only one that has showed you love! The only one who has cared enough to defend you?

"SHUT UP!" I was standing at the door with the kit in my hand.

"Bella, who are you talking too?"

"no one sorry I was just having bad memories"

You know I can't let him stay like this… he will only keep hurting us.

He could have gotten to her…

STOP. STOP. STOOOOP!

That day was the first time that I had heard the voice in my head and he kept pushing until I snapped.

"Monique can we leave? Are you feeling okay to drive?"

"I don't know. Would you mind driving?"

"sure. Common let's get you in to the car" I helped her to stand up and we went out to the car. Monique got in to the passengers side an I took the drivers side.

"Where are the keys?"

"I… shit they are in the house I set them on the table when I tried to help you."

"Stay here I'll get them" the door was open but she held my hand.

"You can't go in there alone" I looked at her and took both her hands in mine

"He is out remember? I'll just grab the keys and run out."

"Okay." I smiled at her and touched our lips neither of us moved for a while. As crazy as it may seem that was my first actual kiss. When I pulled away she was smiling at me.

I went in to the house and got the keys then I heard him groaning and knew he was waking up.

You can't leave. Not with him alive.

He will just follow you.

He will make your life a living hell again.

I felt rage coursing through my veins. Something I hadn't really felt before it consumed every bit of my body.

that's it let me out! He has to pay for what he did…

"Bella…" his voice was heavy and the simple sound of it triggered that las bit in me.

I felt myself walk over to the cabinets pulled it open and took out a knife. I didn't feel like me but like a puppet doing what someone else wanted.

"Bella what are you doing with that knife"

"Oh Eddie. You are awake"

"Bella." He had a warning tone and I didn't like it. For the first time in three years I didn't feel fear of him. I took the knife and placed it under his neck pushing it making him lift his neck.

"You are done hurting me." The knife sliced at his neck making him bleed but not deep to make him die. He held on to his neck and whimpered. Then I clubbed him in the head with the back of the knife. I took the edge of his pants and opened it.

Yesss! You feel that? You feel free you feel alive!

"What are you with out your dick Eddie? Nothing but a piece of shit!" I took his dick in one hand and held the knife under it.

"No! Bella Please DON'T do this. I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY!"

"Sorry doesn't change all you did to us! It DOESN'T CHANGE THAT YOU TOOK MY INNOCENCE AWAY!" I took the knife and cut at him. His screams filled my ear like music.

"Now you will have something taken away from you like you too away from me" blood covered my hand and knife. I let the knife fall on the floor then I stood up and laughed like I was really enjoying it. That was the last I saw of him as I turned and walked away.

Once I was out side I paused at the door, it was raining. A beautiful night fill with stars, partially clouded and rain. I let it wash away the blood off my hands, and as it poured down on me I felt it wash away what he had done to me. I knew it wouldn't completely take it away but it felt like things were going to be okay.

I walked in to the car and started the engine then took off. I didn't know where we would go but I just wanted to be away from here.

"Bella."

"Yes Monique?" she took my right hand in hers and squeezed it.

"Let's leave right now me and you... My parents own a house down in Chicago by the river." I smiled at her then kissed her palm

"Let's do that but how are we going to get through?"

"My parents have an account for me but I made another, I have been saving money. There is enough for both of us, we could finish high school start all over and forget everything"

"I would love to do that."

"Good because that is all I have ever wanted since I met you."

"why did you never say anything?" we were now on the road leaving Jackson behind us.

"I never thought you would feel anything for me and when I started to put the pieces together I just kept it my mouth shut." It was still raining and we were crossing an intersection when a bright light appeared on Monique's side and the car we were in was hit.

….

After that I don't remember anything but waking up in a hospital to find out Monique had died, and I was once again alone and helpless.

Knowing she had died because of me made everything worst. She had been a friend and at the end my lover, and the life ahead that we wanted would never happen. After the news I got into a bigger depression and pulled out the IV I had in my arms and broke a vase that was next to the bed. I took a piece of the glass and sliced at my arms. Doctors came in as I passed out. A day later my parent came home found me in the hospital doctors did check ups on me. Police had been to my house and found Eddie on the floor dead.

Someone I loved and someone I hated had died that night. I had wished with all my power that I had died that night too if it hadn't been because of the doctors I would have made it.

The police added one and one plus what the doctor said, they came to a conclusion. I wasn't found guilty but I would still go to jail for Monique's death. I had told my parents what had actually happen and they just refused to believe in me saying that Eddie could never do such things.

The doctor's wife that had looked after me worked at the Sinclair's mental institution. During the week I spent at the hospital she was the only one that came to visit me. She had taken me as one of her patients but I never spoke a word to her. She would sit by my bed. Sometimes for more than an hour looking at me. The first couple days she tried to make me speak but I never budge. She said she wanted to help me. The irony in that.

The day I was to be released of the hospital, police had showed up to take me to boot camp till I turned eighteen. Ms. Platt had showed up with some papers and telling the officers that I was not "Fit" for a place like that. She then told them that I would be institutionalized at the clinic where she works until I got better.

So that's how I ended in this shit hole. I have always kept to myself yet I still knew everyone in here. I was in the second floor. This place was divided in three parts. The first floor was for those that had eating disorders and were depressed. The second was where they had those depressed, self-harmers and those with other mental disorders. And the third floor was for the psychos and part isolation for those that got out of hand.

Rumors had been going around that Dr. Platt's step-daughter was going to be arriving to the clinic as an intern student. No one knew who she was except for CeeCee.

CeeCee was Dr. Robert's daughter, she had been in hear longer than anyone else. From the day I came in CeeCee has been very persistent into getting into my pants. After the first week of her pushing at me I got fed up and the anger took over me. I had given her a burst lip and bruise eye that landed me in isolation for three days but that only seemed to spur her on.

Monique had been the only person I never flinched from when they got too close or touched me. Yet CeeCee seemed to have that exact same effect on me. Even with her pushing her self on me I didn't flinch or recoiled away. All her attitude did to me was annoy me, maybe because I knew she was wouldn't just take something. For her to possess something she had to be granted permission. It had taken her six months of persuasion to get a kiss out of me.