**Just a little idea I had - trying to get out all the random thoughts and blubs so maybe I can finally get the inspiration to finish "You Gotta Go There..."

I'll be honest, I'm not really watching the show right now; I've got the episodes all recorded and I turn on a TV to that channel when its on, so it adds another to the viewer list but I'm pretty annoyed with the writing. I realize that there has to be drama etc but I think its total crap with all the time we've spent with 'moments' for other couples (even before now) and even when Sam and Andy were actually a couple we hardly had any moments that made them seem like a couple at all! And, now they are broken up and Sam is dating someone else (blah!) Rant, mostly over - I'll watch the episodes fully eventually but right now!

Anyway, this is only going to be a 2 or 3 shot - definitely AU, but hopefully still enjoyable!

She wasn't sure what was so alluring about the water. Maybe it was the sound of the waves crashing into the shore? Or the tide, consistently rising everyday no matter the weather? It called to her - there was calmness in it that she could not find anywhere else. Andy found herself at the shore nearly everyday. Sometimes she would get there without even realizing how she arrived. That's what happened today. Or, was it yesterday now? It's getting colder by the minute, probably going to snow soon; but even the cold can't make her feel.

They said it would take time but they promised it would get easier. They lied. It doesn't get easier. Every day only makes it harder. Who knew that being away 6 months would destroy an entire life? The love of her life didn't wait for her. Her best friend rebuilt her entire life and seemed to have forgotten to save a spot for her in it. The other rookies had moved on too; Chris was even transferring.

Her partner was having a better time adjusting than she was. Nick said it had a lot to do with his deployments and that starting over was nothing new for him. He knew how to get his life back and understood that it would take time but eventually things would start to feel normal again. Nick had a reason for his faith though; Gail had waited for him. Angry or not, she hadn't moved on; unlike Sam.

Sam left her standing in the rain; he couldn't tell her he loved her until there was a very real possibility that they (because he was there too) were going to die. That grenade could have gone off at any second. Then he makes a freaking joke about how many bones are in the body before finally apologizing and wanting to fix things. It definitely wasn't to late for him to want to fix things, but it was to soon for her. She was so confused and frustrated that when Luke approached her about the project and said she had to decide now; she figured that it would be the best chance to her to get some space and sort things out in her head. She should have found a way to let him know that she was leaving but that she was going to come back and they could talk. She just needed time. Never, in her wildest dreams did she imagine that not only would Sam move on, but he would move one with another COP!

The fact that Marlo is a cop is probably one of the worst parts of Sam moving on. He said he couldn't be a cop and be with Andy; but he apparently has no problem being in a relationship with Marlo and being a cop.

All the Sam things aside; something just wasn't right. Andy knew enough from the few college courses that she had taken and the numerous shrink visits throughout the years following her mom's departure that she was most likely suffering from depression, and maybe even a little PTSD; but what could she do? Admitting it would only create problems in her career and emote sympathy from those she didn't want to know she was suffering. But, it was getting harder to hide. She would miss gaps of time where she would simply be inside her own head or just staring off in to space. She performed her work robotically and since she had been on desk duty more often than not lately, it wasn't an issue. When her shift ended, she avoided everyone and went home and crawled in to bed or went to the water. She was lucky if she remembered to eat every other day. It wasn't healthy and she knew it but it was getting harder and harder to care.

On top of everything else; Andy had a secret. A big one...a dangerous one. She really didn't know how it all started. It was just meant to be one time thing to save her cover. But, it happened a few times again before the end of the op; she was able to hide it from Nick and their handler. Andy would never admit it out loud, but she enjoyed how she felt and when they returned to 15 and she realized that the life she knew was gone, all she wanted was that feeling back. So she went to the other side of town one night. Then back again the following week; and again three more times.

It was stupid. If anyone found out, her life would be even more over than it already was. At best, she would get shipped off to 'heal' and then maybe one day - if she was lucky - she could get her job back. Her secret is another reason to avoid everyone; if she spent too much time in their presence they were bound to notice. They were cops and detectives after all.

Andy squinted as the sun peaked over the horizon. It was officially tomorrow. She had been sitting here staring at the water since she left 15 yesterday at 4:00pm. She shivered, but unzipped her coat further anyway. She rested her head on her knees, closed her eyes and let the sound of the waves crashing on the shore lull her to sleep.

Despite the clouds, the sun behind them made the sky bright, and roused Andy not long after she fell asleep. She stood and despite the cold took of her coat and shoes. She walked closer to where the water was creeping higher up the beach. It washed over her toes and she sucked in a breath. The cold outside was nothing compared to the temperature of the water. Her cell phone rang in her pocket; glancing at the screen she saw it was Oliver. She debated ignoring it, but knew her friend was worried about her.

"Hello." She said quietly

"McNally! Where are you?" Oliver asked sounding concerned, not forgetting that the last time she failed to show up to Parade was because she had been drugged and Gail kidnapped.

"Just taking a walk. Why?"

"Because you missed Parade and you are supposed to be my partner and buy my lunch today." It wasn't lost on him how out of it she sounded and he wonders if what he and Collins suspect is true.

"Oh, well I'll just see you later then." Andy said as a fog horn went off in the distance from a ship coming in to the pier, she clicked the phone off and tossed it back to where her coat was, ignoring Oliver's shouts of "McNally."

She wasn't sure what was so intriguing about the water; it was freezing but she kept putting one foot in front of the other moving deeper. The water felt like a million pin pricks hitting her skin, she was shivering so violently her teeth were chattering, but she kept walking. Eventually, a numbness started to set in and by the time the water reached her neck the numbness expanded. She bent her knees to submerge herself completely. She gasped when she came up for air as the cold air from above hit her wet head. She repeated the action several times, drifting farther along, and staying underwater for longer periods each time. She was hoping for a clarity that just wasn't coming. Her ability to stay under water was getting less due to the cold that was constricting her breathing. She looked out to where the bay opened up and with a tired sigh she realized that whatever she was searching or hoping for she wasn't going to find staring out at the vastness of the water.

Andy turned and began the slow walk to shore. Her head started to pound and she could feel herself moving slower as the weakness started to set in. The shaking started again and by the time she reached the shore her vision had started to blur. Andy fell to her knees on the bank and crawled out of the water towards a pile of rocks. Her coat and cell phone were nowhere in sight, she must have drifted farther than she thought. Too tired to look, she collapsed to her stomach and succumbed to the overwhelming desire to cave in to the darkness.