AN: I already have a story out called "Ah, Weddings! I Love Weddings! Drinks All Around!" that looks suspiciously similar to this. The reason for that is because these are the same stories, but with alternate endings. So, read both, and tell me which one you like better! No flames please, this is only my second PotC fic.
Jack Sparrow lounged about on the deck of his beloved Pearl, a bottle of rum swinging from one of his hands, glancing about. Occasionally he would shout an order to a member of his crew, sending them scurrying to fix whatever mistake they'd made. He smiled. It was good to be back.
Often his eye would wander to the lovely Elizabeth, whom he'd picked up after a brawl in Tortuga that involved several tricorn hats. Those clothes did not suit her at all. Personally, he thought that she should go with a dress or nothing, and he conveniently happened to have no dress upon the Pearl. She didn't take his advice, though. A pity.
Sighing, he took a swig of rum. That was his solution to everything: rum. Couldn't live without it, really. Never mind, he was avoiding the facts.
Jack told everyone that his love was the Pearl, and the Pearl alone, though some said his love was the sea. Recently, however, he was beginning to rethink that.
Ever since he'd met that accursed wench, helping young Will to rescue her, he couldn't get her out of his mind. Damned girl. She was partially the reason he'd sent Will to pay his debt with Jones, though she knew nothing of where he was yet. He couldn't let that little snippet Turner steal her. She was too beautiful for him, son of Bootstrap or no.
She was sighing now, looking out towards the sea. He sauntered over to her.
"My extreme knowledge and perception of the female mind tells me you are troubled." He said.
She smiled. "Oh, Jack. I'm just so ready for marriage."
He knew what she was talking about. She missed Will. She wanted to marry him. "You know," he said, as nonchalantly as he could, "As Captain of this vessel, I could perform a…" He paused, "marr-i-age, right on this deck. Right here. Right… Now!" He leaned into her face, searching for a response. She stared up at him, her knees drawn up to her chest.
"You don't mean that." She said, very quietly.
"Don't mean what?" he countered, his arms held wide, baring his teeth in a winning smile.
"You're all talk. All you do is talk, and try to seduce with your sweet words and your silver tongue. But what if I took you up on your offers?" There was a trace of bitterness in her voice. His smile faltered. "You see?" She shot upon seeing him hesitate. "All of your promises are empty! You're just too much of a coward to hold up your false words!"
Now she'd done it. No one, not even a woman could get away with calling him a coward. He looked at her, his glare icy. "Oh, really?" he asked her. "Do you really think that?"
She nodded, as equally cool. "I do think so." She said. "And if you have a problem with it, then prove that I'm wrong"
"Fine." He said. She started, staring at him. "Fine." He said again. He got down on one knee, taking her hand in his. "Marry me." He said, not believing that the words were coming out of his mouth. She continued staring, her mouth open. "You told me to prove it to you, so I am. Marry me." He said, looking deep into her eyes.
Eventually she responded. "I accept." She said. "And I'll watch as you back out at the last minute."
He smiled. "I wouldn't bet money on that, lass." He said. Rising, he shouted to the crew. "All hands on deck!" He roared.
Within a minute every sailor stood in a neat line according to rank. Jack strode up and down the line, finally nodding to an old deck hand named Grady. "Take your coat off, It'll do fine for a dress." Jack said. The man flushed as his comrades sniggered at him.
"Well, come on, we haven't got all day!" Jack said. The man gave up his jacket without a word. Jack draped it artistically over Elizabeth, nodding thoughtfully as he adjusted it here and there before cutting off the sleeves with his cutlass and tying it around her waist with some random crewmember's sash. The men knew better than to argue at the ruin of their clothes.
"There." Jack said with approval, and it really did look like a dress. Jack leaned over the side and found some of the seaweed that was forever tangled in the ornate head of the ship and made a passable boquet, which he thrust into Elizabeth's hands. Finally he took an old map from in his coat, folded it neatly so that it seemed like a very thin book with four pages, and wrote "Holy Bible" on it with the pen thrust in his coat pocket.
Good. Everything looked fine. Next he made all of the men sit on the steps leading up to the raised platform with the wheel on it except for Gibbs, Pintel, and Ragetti. Gibbs he had stand next to him, Pintel and Ragetti next to Elizabeth. Ragetti was wearing another one of his dresses – that man is so strange, Jack thought. Straightening his cuffs, he placed his hands together and bowed slightly to everyone before starting.
"All right, men." He said. "Today a most joyous, festive, and whatnot celebration is going on. Lizzy and I are getting married. Savvy?"
The men stared, a few openly gasped. Jack was a ladies man, they knew, but this? It was simply unheard of.
Jack pretended to ignore the open mouths, paying more attention to the sinking feeling in his own heart. "Gibbs is to be my best man." He said. "Pintel and Ragetti have the honor of being bridesmaids."
The crew snickered, especially at Ragetti, who was a good target because of his obsession with wearing women's dresses. Pintel flushed scarlet but said nothing.
Jack hushed them with a wave of his hand, signaling the start of the ceremony. "Oh, Father, Son, and whatever else you are, in your name we pray that you bless this marriage Amen." He said hurridly, to get it over with.
"Amen." Repeated the crew.
"Now, before the vows, if anyone's got any objections to this, speak out now." Jack said invitingly.
Sea-crickets chirping.
"Anyone?" Jack said hopefully.
The sea crashed in the distance.
"No one?" Jack said desperately. "Not one single objection?"
He tried to stall it a bit longer, but he didn't like the way Lizzie was smirking at him, so he was forced to carry on.
"Captain Jack Sparrow, do you take Lizzy to be your wife, in sickness or in health, yadda yadda yadda, til death or divorce or too much rum?" Jack asked himself.
There was a slight pause, then, "I do."
Jack could have slapped himself. He didn't want this. Sure, Lizzy was pretty and all, but marriage? He was a pirate, for heaven's sake! This was going against all he'd ever worked for. Suddenly, an idea came to him. He took the reindeer bone out of his hair, unplugged the hidden holes, and blew.
Nothing happened.
He tried again. And again. Then started blowing as frantically as humanly possible, faster and faster.
Another pause.
Damn, Jack thought, reminding himself never to trust that damned Tia Dalma again. He calmly but slowly recorked the bone and placed it carefully back in his hair, as if this was all perfectly normal. The crew looked around at themselves, but shrugged it off as another Jack Sparrow excentricy. Elizabeth gave him an odd look, but she was used to Jack, as well.
Sighing, Jack proceeded with the wedding.
"Elizabeth Swann, do you –" Jack started to say, but was interrupted by a gigantic sea serpent thrusting out of the water.
The crew and Elizabeth started running around, grabbing the Kraken-fighting tools and preparing for battle, but paused upon hearing a shout from Jack.
"Swimmy!" He shouted joyously up at the gargantuan monster. "I thought you'd never come!" And so saying, vaulted up onto the creature's head before smacking it, causing it to turn around and start swimming back towards Tortuga, being mindful to keep Jack above the water.
"So sorry to cut this short!" Jack called back, waving his hat. "Let's do this again sometime, eh? We'll finish this off later, Lizzy! Ta ta!"
Elizabeth rushed to the rail, but the giant beast was already too far away. Growling, she shouted out, "Jack Sparrow, you- you- argh! I HATE you!!"
Upon hearing this, Jack leaned his head down and said, "Cut the small stuff, Swimmy, we gotta leave! On the double!"
And they disappeared into the horizon, Jack yet again saving his bachelorhood, but not before leaving few parting words for a fuming Elizabeth Swann.
"Don't forget, you will always remember this as the day you almost married Captain Jack Sparrow!"