Emily Halpert, an office fanfic

EMILY HALPERT

Personnel Changes

Disclaimer: I don't own NBC's The Office. Nor do I own the British version. But, uh, I own a cat. Yeah, don't steal my cat NBC.

A/N:

These are some episodes I wrote about a new character I created: Jim's cousin. I think I'll have about four or five, but I'm not exactly sure. You may notice the lack of Andy in these. I set these after "The Negotiation", but I really hate Andy as a character, so I'm just pretending he never existed. Also, anything in italics are the talking heads. You know, the mini-interviews.

" So, you're cousin's starting tomorrow?" Dwight asked Jim, as he started up his computer. As the ding of the startup music played, he arraigned his precious bobble-heads, and the moment he touched the Dwight Shrute one, he glanced over at Angela.

Jim had caught Dwight staring, and bit his tongue. Oh, how he wished he could say something. But he promised himself, and the cameramen, that he wouldn't.

"Uh, yeah," he said instead, answering Dwight's question. "She's really excited about meeting you. I've told her all about you."

"Really?" Dwight's expression was of pure intrigue. "Did she find the fact that I'm a volunteer Deputy of any particular interest?"

Jim shrugged. "Maybe. Or maybe it's the fact that I have her convinced that you come to work everyday with no pants."

"What? Jim!" Dwight leapt out of his chair, hovering over the sitting Jim.

"Calm down." Jim's eyes were glued to his computer screen, intently focused on a funny picture Mark had sent him. "I told her you wear your boxers."

"Well, I'll have you know, that I wear Hanes white briefs. I like the comfort of the support I receive from them."

"That," Jim replied, not tearing his eyes from his computer but pointing in Dwight's general direction, "was too much information. Let's never… talk about that again. Okay?"

Jim: Yeah, my cousin Emily is going to be working at Dunder-Mifflin. And honestly, I think it's going to be pretty fun to have her around….It's not true that I have her convinced about Dwight going pants-less to work everyday. But I'm going to have her help me with a prank I'm working on. We'll see how it goes.

Before Dwight had a chance to respond, Michael walked in. "Hey Pam. Pam-e-la. The former…future…" He coughed and muttered under his breath, "Mrs. Pamela Anderson."

Pam rolled her eyes and grabbed at some messages on her desk. "Here. Jan called. She said that she'd call you back." She handed the pink paper to Michael.

"Ah, I love to start the day off with the knowledge that sometime today I will received a call from the beautiful Jan Levinson."

Nodding, but not really listening to him, Pam glanced down at the other message. "Oh, and your mother called. She said that she got your Mother's Day card and that it was 'lovely'." Pam's face contorted into a proper lady's expression, and from behind Michael's back, Jim walked up and smiled.

"Oh. Yes…well…that's good." Michael clapped his hands together.

"She said that is was handmade."

"Soooo..." Michael turned his back to the receptionist and smiled. "So, how are sales going this morning? Stanley?"

"I'm on the phone," he drawled in his lazy voice, although the phone wasn't even in his hand

"No you're not."

"I'm doing a crossword."

"Ehh, why do I bother with them?" Michael asked Jim, who was now leaning on Pam's desk.

"I do not know." Jim caught Pam's eye, and they smiled. It seemed like old times.

Throwing his hands in the air, Michael entered his office and shut the door, calling over his shoulder, "Busy busy! Waiting for a call…"

Michael: My mother…is a very special person to me. I like to make her feel special on Mother's Day. And because Mother's Day always seems to fall on a Sunday... the HOLY day of sleep…I just send her a card instead of visiting her...I spent like five hours on that card. I'd spend five minutes visiting her. She got the better end of the deal.

Jim, who was still leaning on the reception desk, hung his head. "Why do I keep coming back here?"

Pam smiled and perked up. She had missed the playfulness that had been between them, and lately it had been coming back. She knew the reason why they had become distance: Karen. It was like Karen didn't want them to be friends anymore.

"Because you enjoy selling paper."

Jim nodded. "Yep. That's it." He slapped the desk in acknowledgement, and behind him Karen walked in.

"Hey Halpert." She pulled off her coat and reached up on her tiptoes, waiting for a kiss. Jim awkwardly turned his back to Pam and kissed her quick on the lips.

"Hey," was his response.

"Come to my desk, I have to show you that hotel I was talking about." Jim gave a curt wave to Pam as he followed his girlfriend to her desk.

Little did he know, Pam didn't wave back. Nor was she smiling anymore.

Pam: I'm happy about Jim…and Karen. They're really nice together. And, with Jim ALWAYS at her desk, I get more work done. Like yesterday, I answer twelve more calls than I normally do… I felt very efficient…and bored.

"I can't wait to meet your cousin." Karen was sitting on the table of the break room, her feet on a chair. Jim, in the chair next to her feet, was chomping away on a ham and cheese sandwich. "So, what's she like?"

Jim chewed the mouthful of sandwich he had and swallowed, wiping his mouth with his napkin. "Well, she's like me…I guess. I mean, we don't look alike. But, before I had Dwight to play pranks on, I used her instead. For a whole summer I had her convinced she was adopted."

Karen looked shocked. "Halpert, you're horrible."

"After she found out, didn't speak to me for a year." She laughed and Jim took another bite.

It was going to be kind of cool having his favorite cousin around. They were always hanging out when they were kids, because she was an only child. But, after he had gone off to college, they became more distant. He had missed hanging out with her. Pam had filled the void a little bit. Well, that was a different story.

"So what's her deal?" Karen asked, just as Ryan walked in.

"Well, she's just broken up with her boyfriend and lost her job as a secretary to some lawyer or someone, and I talked to Michael and he said we could hire her on as a part-time 'helper'." As Jim said 'helper', he finger quote. It had been Michael's description.

"We have a new employee?" Ryan asked, inserting money into the soda machine.

"Jim's cousin Emily is starting tomorrow," Karen answered for Jim.

"Ah." Ryan grabbed his drink. "She's not taking my job, is she?"

Jim shook his head.

"Damn it," Ryan muttered under his breath and walked out of the break room.

Jim smiled as Ryan left. His finished his sandwich.

"You know, I should meet her. I want to know all about little Jimmy Halpert and the things he did when he was a kid." She smiled and ruffled his hair playfully.

"That…might not be such a good idea."

"Why not?" Hurt filled Karen's eyes, and she averted her gaze to the back of Toby's head.

"Well, it's just-" But he got cut off by Creed entering the room.

Creed looked through the selections in the candy machine, picked one. "H6," he said to himself. He then turned around to leave.

"You need some money, Creed?" Jim asked, his face contorted in confusion.

Without turning around, Creed answered, "Nah, just need to get my screwdriver."

Creed: I have discovered a way to get the money out of the vending machine with this screwdriver I found a trashcan a year ago. Very effective. Maybe one day I steal enough of it to afford the lawn mower I was looking at.

Karen and Jim exchanged looks.

"I heard we're getting a new employee tomorrow," Kevin said in his monotone tenor. "A female employee."

Without looking up, Angela replied, "I heard that too. She's going to do filing and things."

"I heard she's Jim's cousin."

Angela, exasperated, threw down her pen. "Kevin, don't you have something to be doing?"

Kevin glanced at his desk. "Um. Not really." He smiled. He usually only did half the work he was supposed to do, and then convinced himself he had finished early. Then he just played games on his computer . He liked his computer.

Angela gave him a stern look. "Find something."

"Okay," he said quickly, and decided to get a start on the stuff he should have done yesterday.

Kevin: Jim's a pretty good-looking guy I guess. So, I hope that the good-looking gene runs in the Halpert family. I mean, Pam's hot. But having two hot people in the office would be better…than having just one.

"Dwight!" Michael called, as he walked out of his office. Dwight wasn't at his desk, so he turned to Jim. "Hey Jimbo. Where's your buddy?"

Jim, who had been ignoring Michael's calls, looked up. "My buddy?" he asked questioningly.

"Yeah. Dwight."

"Dwight is not my buddy. Sorry." Jim looked into the camera, making a 'No' face, making sure the cameramen knew that he was not friends with Dwight.

"The man did save you from Roy a few weeks ago. I would call that a friend." Michael sat on Jim's desk, crossing his arms. "Argo, he's your buddy."

"Argo?" Jim propped his head with his arm.

"You know? Ar-go. It's Latin." Michael looked at the camera, smiling because he thought he had one-upped Jim. "Means 'Therefore'."

"I think you're thinking of 'ergo'. Argo was a ship."

"Noooo. I think you're thinking of an Eggo. An Eggo is a delicious breakfast food."

Jim cocked his head. "I…don't think so."

"Pssh." Michael waved in the air, as if to end the conversation. Jim looked over at Karen, to laugh about Michael's lack of knowledge of Latin phrases, but she was intently studying her computer screen. So, he turned to look at Pam. She didn't look back, but she was smiling to herself.

"Ahhhhh…so, your sister is starting tomorrow."

"Cousin." Jim, bored with the conversation, picked up a manila folder and opened to a random document.

"Right. Cousin." Michael suddenly realized why he was out there. "Did you tell me where Dwight was?"

Pam interjected. "I think he went into the kitchen." Michael jumped up to head towards the kitchen when Pam stopped him. "Uh…then I saw him head outside. I think he was going to his car."

Michael furrowed his brow, but shrugged and heading to the door. Once Michael passed by Pam, she caught Jim's questioning gaze. She was about to mouth "Angela", but she wasn't aware that Jim knew. So, instead, she mouthed "What?"

Jim threw his hands in the air, and turned back to his computer.

Michael (standing outside): I'm not sure if Pam was trying to trick me out of the office, because the door is locked. She said Dwight was out here. I need to send Dwight on a mission. Jan called and asked me to send her some items she left at my condo. Her perfume, a toothbrush…her underwear. Yes. I was going to keep it, but she told me over the phone that she would fire me if I did. And, being fired for failure to return your boss's underwear would not look good on a resume.

"Hello, Dwight," Angela said, as she went to the refrigerator. "Do you have any plans for this evening?"

Dwight, Angela and Stanley were in the kitchen, and Stanley was pouring some coffee. Angela was sure that Stanley would ignore their conversation. He usually ignored everyone else's conversation.

"Yes I do. My gir-" Dwight saw that across from him Kelly had come into the kitchen. "Ahem. My friend is visiting me this evening."

Kelly piped up. "Dwight, you have a friend? I didn't think you had any friends!"

Dwight: Fact: I am on a laser-tag team. I am friends with two of those eight people. Fact: My cousin Mose is also my friend. Fact: I am a person who believes that animals have the power to communicate to humans. Once, I heard my snake say that I was his best friend. I was quite flattered. Of course, it could have been the movie I was watching. Well, whoever said it, I was flattered.

"Uh, yeah." Dwight was obviously making up a lie, but Kelly didn't catch it. "He's from…Alaska. Burbank."

"Don't you mean Fairbanks?" Kelly asked, shifting her weight to one side. "Because I've never heard of Bur-"

"Okay, he's not from Alaska. He's from…" He looked up at Kelly. "India," he said without thinking.

"What?" Just then Ryan walked into the kitchen, saw Kelly, and turned around. "Ryan!" She followed him out.

Ryan: She won't…leave me…alone.

"Well, I'll see you later, Dwight." Angela walked out the opposite door.

"Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam."

"Hey, Pam. Uh…little problem here."

"Michael?" Pam looked up. She was expecting to see Jim turn around and see what was going on, but he wasn't at his desk. He was over at Karen's desk, eating yogurt and talking to her.

Pam bit her lip as she listened to Michael. "The door seems to be locked, and I can't get back in. You didn't have anything to do with it, did ya Pammy?"

"Don't call me that."

"But it's your name." Michael laughed and looked into the camera. "It's my pet name for her."

The cameramen could hear Pam say, over the phone, "Not it's not, tell them it's not."

"Well, anyway, did you do it Pam? Did you lock me out?"

Pam smiled. "No, Michael. I didn't lock you out."

"Well," he said, frustrated. "Someone did, aaaaaaaand I need to get back inside. I have a lot of work to do."

"Isn't the guard there? Can't he let you in?"

"No. Ugh!! He went on break and I haven't seen him…around…anywhere. Can't you come unlock the door."

"Michael…I…uh, have to stay and answer the phone."

"That's what you said when I burned my foot."

"Well, my job description hasn't changed." Pam noticed that Jim had thrown out his yogurt cup and was returning to his desk. She snapped at him, and he came to her beckon. "Look, I'll find someone to come down, and find the guard, okay?"

"Okay, but it's kind of chilly out here, and I don't have my coat." There was a brief pause. "Do you think you could throw my coat out the window?"

"You want me to throw your coat out the window?" she asked, looking up at Jim. Jim's face was of pure delight, as he immediately went to get Michael's coat. "Okay, I'll have Jim do that."

"Thanks, Pam."

"Yup." She hung up the phone, and followed Jim, with the coat hanging over his arm, into Michael's office. Jim opened the window, and saw Michael below.

"Hey, Mike!" he called, waving his hands.

"Jim, great, can you throw me my coat?"

Jim nodded, and saw the row of trees directly below him. They weren't too tall, but they were tall enough for his purposes. "Yeah, sure. Here…catch!"

Jim tossed the coat out, and they landed, right where he wanted it too, on top of the tree. "Oh, sorry about that!" he called, covering his mouth to suppress his laughter. Behind him, Pam was laughing loud enough for the two of them.

Behind her, still sitting at her desk, Karen was watching them.

Karen: Jim and Pam were doing something with Michael's coat. I think he threw it outside. I guess there are some rituals I need to learn about Scranton.

After Michael thanked them for the coat, Jim turned around. "Okay, why is he standing down there?"

"Michael is locked out of the building, and no one is down there to let him back in."

"Oh, we have to use this." Jim walked out of Michael's office and noticed that Dwight wasn't at his desk, but his cell phone was. Jim casually picked it up, turned the ringer off, and put it back. "Just in case Michael figures out that we're not sending anyone down there."

Pam beamed, and headed back to her desk.

Michael (still outside): Well, l called Pam about fifteen minutes ago, and no one has come down…to save me. I mean, I am the world's best boss. Just ask my mug. Where the hell are they? And Dwight won't pick up the phone. God, the one time I really need him and he's not there for me. Assistant Regional Manager my ass… Plus, I spent like ten of those minutes trying to climb the tree to get my coat, and well…let's say that I wasn't allowed to join the boy scouts.

"Where's Michael?" Dwight asked Pam, as she was writing down a message for Phyllis.

"Oh, um. I'm not sure. I'm sorry," he told the man on the phone. "What did you say? I was interrupted."

"You're a pathetic excuse for a receptionist. You should know where your boss is at all times." Pam sighed, and tried her best to ignore Dwight.

Jim saw her problem and cut in. "Oh, um, Dwight. Michael said he's going home early. Not feeling well. The…Scottonian Flu."

"Scottonian Flu. I've never heard of it."

"Yeah. Well, can't know everything."

"Yes I can. Wait. If Michael is sick, I should go to him."

"No!" Jim and Pam said at the same, and Dwight looked at both of them individually.

Dwight: Whenever Pam and Jim say the same thing at the same time, I always get suspicious. Once, after they did that, I ended up at a horse ranch, looking for the One Ring. I can't really remember how exactly that came about, but I'm sure that they had drugged me. Or gave me cranberries. I act strange after eating cranberries.

"Uh, Dwight, Michael said he went to his mom's."

"I know where she lives. I haven't seen her in a while. It's worth the trip."

"I really don't think you should…"

Dwight caught Angela's eye from across the room, and saw her eyebrows arch. That was a bad sign. "You know, I'm sure his mother can handle it." He walked back to his desk.

Jim and Pam exchanged glances.

Pam: I don't know if you've figured this out yet. But I absolutely love tricking Dwight. It really is a reason to live……….That sounded really sad. Even to me.

"Okay, well, I've just realized that I can get to the warehouse. Don't need the front door. Front door is for queers! Yeah," he was breathing heavily, as he was running around the building. "I mean, I usually use the front door…but…um….Ah," he finally reached the door.

He tried to open it. It didn't open. He banged on the door. No reply. "Hey. Hey guys? It's Mike…Darryl? You in then ho-mie? My brotha' from anotha' motha'? Uh, I didn't mean that….Please open up?"

When no one came to his desperate pleas, he turned back to the cameramen. "Probably on break. We had to give them breaks. They threatened to go on strike, and that would be bad. Because strikes are bad. They throw things at you when you enter the building. And that would probably hurt."

Jim: I called Darryl about ten minutes ago. He was all for it.

"So how old is your cousin?"

Kelly was bored of waiting for Ryan to come out of the bathroom, so she found Jim at the copier. He seemed bored, so she struck up conversation.

"She's twenty…five." Jim switched the paper on the copier.

"That's so cool! We can totally talk about the whole deal with Britney cutting her hair, which really was one of the worst moments of my life. Or the fact that Lindsay and Hilary are talking again. That was a good thing. Oh, and the whole break up of Prince William and Kate! That was another really bad moment. I cried so much. But Ryan wouldn't comfort me. He just left. I was so sad!"

"Uh, yeah. But, um, Emily's not really into current events."

"Oh." Kelly was disappointed. For a moment she stood there, until she saw Meredith walk by with a new People magazine. "Oh my god, let me show you this really sad picture!" she called after Meredith.

Michael: I've called Pam about six more times. It keeps going to voice mail. Must be really busy up there. Busy…Busy is good. Except that I'm DOWN HERE!! Where the hell is Dwight! (Michael makes gibberish noises) It's cold out here. I want my jacket. (Looks up at the tree) If only I had a chain saw. I could cut down that tree and have my coat. Ahhh…I really want that coat.

Pam: Today has been a very…peaceful day. Michael hasn't been here since eleven this morning. No "That's what she said" jokes…at all. That was a vacation, in one way… Maybe we could just lock him outside everyday. We could get more work down that way.

"You ready to go?" Jim asked Karen, as he pulled his coat on.

"Uh, yeah. Let me just finish this up, okay?"

"Yeah. I'll go get your coat." Jim walked over to the coat rack, just as Pam was pulling on her own jacket. "Hey. Well, that was fun today."

Pam giggled. "At least we know that we have the option of just locking our boss outside."

"Which is definitely a good thing."

Pam tied her scarf around her neck and pulled her hair out from under it. Her mind wandered a bit, until she remembered about his cousin. "So, I can't wait to see your cousin tomorrow. I remember she was really nice."

"Yeah. Emily says she can't wait to see you again."

Pam: I meet Emily once. One day she asked Jim go to lunch, and Jim asked me if I wanted to go too. I did. They are so much alike it's scary.

"Ready," Karen announced, coming up behind them. Jim, a little surprised at her sudden appearance, handed her the coat. "See you tomorrow, Pam," she said curtly, turning for the door.

Jim waved his goodbyes to Pam, and she waved back, watching them leave. Although she was ready to go to, she waited a minute before she left.

Michael was sitting on the curb of the street. The cameramen came up next to him, as if to ask why he was sitting there. "My keys are upstairs," he answered them, still looking straight.

"And I supposed your…friend will enjoy his visit tonight?" Angela asked, and she and Dwight exited the building.

"Yes. I think it will be a very entertaining night."

Angela leaned in to kiss Dwight, until she noticed the camera crew in the parking lot. "I will see you later then, Dwight."

Dwight, confused, watched her walk to her car. By the time she had entered, Michael was at Dwight's side. "Dwight, where the hell were you?"

Dwight turned to Michael. "I thought you were at your mother's house."

"My moth- What? No. I have been out here all day, and no one came down to let me in!"

"Jim said you were had the Scottonian Flu."

Ignoring Dwight's explanation, he pulled out his phone and pointed to it. "Didn't you get my calls?"

Dwight furrowed his brow and checked his phone. "Twenty-two missed calls." He looked closer. "It appears I turned off my ring."

"Dwight, you're so stupid. ERRRRRRRRR!" Michael tried to pull himself together. "That's it! We are going to come up with a code system. Me getting locked out of the building will be Code….Red. Yes, it will be the worst possible scenario." He sighed. "Alright. Look, you can make up for it by running upstairs and getting my keys."

"Michael, I locked up the building for the night. I can't open it again."

"I need my keys Dwight."

"I will be honored to drive you home Michael. I will even let you use the radio."

Dwight: I never listen to the radio while I'm driving. I will not let subliminal advertisement interrupt my concentration.

Michael hung his head, but realized that the only way he was going home was with Dwight, he reluctantly agreed.

Michael: It hurts me to know that no one noticed my absence and went looking for me. If I noticed that Stanley, or Phyllis or Ryan went missing, I'd be all over the media and the press, letting everyone know that they were missing. I mean, wow, if Creed or Meredith disappeared…well, those people are a different story.

Toby: This morning, Michael told me he needed a cherry picker, and he wanted to make the company pay for it. When I asked why, he told me that the company let the trees grow too tall and he couldn't reach his coat, which was in a tree. I just grabbed a step stool from the warehouse and grabbed the coat for him. I really don't want to know how it got stuck in the tree.

A/N:

That was the first episode of a handful. Please let me know what you thought. I tried to stay as true to the characters as I could.

Next episode: Helping Halpert

-Gdapril25