They meet every last Thursday of the month as faithfully as religious observers. For Bella it's a day planned weeks in advance. She will lay out an outfit and change it a dozen times, before inevitably settling on the tried and true t-shirt and blue jeans. She longs for Rosalie's beauty and Alice's style, even Jessica's saucy confidence, but, at the same time, there's a defiant little part of her that doesn't want to change, even for the better.
It's the difference between admiration without envy, and just plain resentment at all the things she can't and won't have.
She's still human. Still aging.
At this point she's seriously beginning to wonder if her father isn't correct about Edward, after all. Why the delays? Besides the small matter of her death - and really, as a vampire that ought to be old hat by now - what possible reason could Edward have for withholding the one thing she has ever truly asked of him?
She's finding less and less excuses for him. And the old doubts come back with each successive denial, the ones she'd hoped to bury firmly in Phoenix. This is exactly why she doesn't ask people for things. They use it against you. They hold the request over your head. Because they've got you now, see, they know what you want. And knowing what someone wants is the first step to power.
Bella's tried to be good. She's tried to act like someone worthy of a lifetime with Edward. (Too much to ask, but she'd almost believed Edward wanted that kind of inevitability in a relationship). And she'd thought she was making progress, too, until the last time she'd met with him. Then he'd made the little quip that "by simply asking to become a vampire, Bella, tells me you are not really capable of understanding what it means yet."
Which, what? Does he mean to say he doesn't plan on turning her until she's given up and doesn't want it anymore? She is never going to stop wanting it. Eternal life, godlike beauty. Think of all the books she'd get to read! She has always lamented the fact that there are more books in the world than time allowed for her to read them. But such a fate can be avoided.
Or so she'd believed. Edward's proven himself perfectly capable of lying to her. She'd smoothed the offense by thinking he was doing it out of altruism; he didn't want to hurt her. She still believed this was his main motivation, but now she was considering the possibility that it wasn't his only one.
Because, let's face it, he liked having the control. Bella liked him having it, too. She didn't mind him driving, or suggesting the restaurant, or showing concern for her wellbeing and whereabouts. It was rather nice to be attended to. Usually she's the one who has to do the picking up after.
Even if it does make her feel like a child sometimes. Edward is old-fashioned and was probably a bit of a prude even when he was turned. His outdated notions of purity also fail to impress her. But it's probably unfair to expect him to change in a few months what he's been doing for a century.
It's just that, well, Bella had rather thought the decision of whether or not to become an immortal creature of the night would be more left up to her than it is. On a logical level, she understands his arguments. On a visceral, fingers-in-the-ground, tear-your-hair kind of way, his reasoning falls flat. She wants him, selfishly, and damn the consequences. Doesn't he want her with the same urgency?
Doesn't matter. All that's going to change. Jasper doesn't know it yet, but he's going to be the instrument through which Bella fulfills just such an objective.
Bella checks her watch for a second time. Her clothes are all laid out. Not her comfortable American Eagle hoodie for tonight, oh no. Using Alice as her reference, she's gone for something a little more uptown. She's never met Maria, of course, but by Jasper's own account she was beautiful.
Of course. All vampires are beautiful, but Bella's impression was that Jasper held Maria in a class by herself. And little wonder, after the glorious destruction she created. Jasper himself.
The one thing Bella has going for her is that she's got dark hair, too. That indicates a preference. Granted, Jasper seems to go in more for that unattainable godlike sort of girl, but beggars can't be choosers. Bella's hardly able to believe she still intends to go through with this, but if she's being honest it's not something she really does believe. Any second now that common sense everyone's been insisting she has somewhere will make itself known.
Fearful of becoming as flighty as her mother, she tries to commit to any decision she makes. To see it through to the bitter end. Though at times this works to her favor - such as good grades, or managing to leave everything in one not-quite-home and pick up right where she left off in another - often it works to her detriment. Charlie accuses her of stubbornness. He should know.
Tonight's the night everything changes. She's fortunate to be able to contemplate the milestone beforehand. Not everybody is aware of when they approach a fork in their road.
Does Alice see this coming? Bella hopes not. Even though Alice and Jasper are estranged since his defection from the family, she wouldn't scruple to contact him if she thought such an occurrence could be stopped. Or, worse, she might tell Edward.
This is a fear that's been following her around for weeks. In a haphazard attempt to work around it, she's been vacillating between actually going through with it and spending another quiet evening at home. But then, even committed, she probably would have done all this handwringing, anyway.
It's all planned out. She won't go as Bella, she won't dress like her or walk like her. She's been practicing in Jessica's homecoming heels for weeks and she can almost make it down the stairs now without looking like an inexperienced tightrope walker. She's got a dress picked out from La Boutique in Portland that doesn't make her want to throw a potato sack over her body.
She scrutinizes herself in the mirror. Nothing comparable to what Jasper could have and has had, but by Bella-standards it's got to at least make the grade. And Jasper's standards have somewhat lowered since leaving Forks.
She gives a shaky huff. The cozy green light of her digital clock ticks the eight hour to a nine. Almost time.
Going barefoot, her shoes in one hand, she creeps down the stairs. A glance into the living room reveals Charlie snoring lightly on the couch, a James Michener novel open on his chest. The old man didn't make it upstairs again.
In a sudden burst of feeling, Bella risks everything and pads over to him. She's never really thought of her father as an actual person, one with desires and dreams of his own, one who makes mistakes. He's a dad, he's not supposed to expand beyond the boundaries of that role. When he failed at that, letting Renee go, letting Bella go with her, she's never forgiven him.
But after hurting him so badly last year by running out, knowing instinctively where to stick the knife and seeing the damage she'd done, that horrible slap-in-the-face look, she's eased up on him. Perhaps it is so difficult for them to connect because they are so similar, like two negative-force magnets trying to come together.
Even middle-aged he's a good-looking man. She's seen the admiring looks he gets around town. It's kind of sweet how oblivious he is to it, but it also makes her sad. He shouldn't keep punishing himself. It is almost as if, having been unable to hold Renee's attention (another thing they have in common) he has decided that that's proof enough of his unsuitability for anyone. Including his daughter.
"I'm sorry," she whispers. It's the closest she's ever come to saying 'I love you,' and to her, it's the same. Hopefully the others will understand some day. But if they don't Bella won't blame them for hating her.
If everything goes according to the blueprints tacked out in her mind, or she's even partially successful - or even not at all and the whole things goes tits up - nothing will be as it was after this evening. Bella's heart must be aging ten years after all the self-inflicted panics she's been giving it the past few days. There's still time to change her mind. All she has to do, in Jasper's own words, is not show up.
Jasper's fallen off the wagon and stayed off it; but Bella's not going to let a little thing like attempted murder get in the way of a good friendship. They have a meeting tonight, as they have had for the past five. This will be their sixth Thursday. Jasper left on a Wednesday, and she called him - when he still had a cell phone - that night. She said she'd be there.
Now Jasper has cut himself off from all contact with his old life - with life - and Bella's got more people in hers to love than ever. And it's all very exhausting.
Reaching out, her hand hovers over Charlie's head, a benediction, a threat. You are so vulnerable in your sleep. She will be strong. If she's strong she can make it so that Charlie won't have to worry about her anymore. Or Edward. It's got to get better, after. Maybe they can't see it yet, but she can, and she'll make it so that everyone else does, too.
Turning from her father she hurries across the door and into the night.