"I am sorry Cloud, but Jenova drives a really hard deal. This was the best she and Aerith could work out, one Goddess to another." Tifa tried to ease the blow for Cloud. "And really, it's not that high a price to pay for world peace, is it?"
"But…." Cloud tried, still stunned.
"It is a very old tradition after all, to make peace between two warring factions."
"But…"
"And Aerith managed to make it Yazoo. You really could have done worse there, trust me."
"But…"
"I mean, sure the Thanksgiving dinners will be awkward as Hell and you will have a manipulative, tentacle space alien for a mother-in-law, but honestly who doesn't? And I'm sure she'll mellow down if you bring her flowers and chocolate once in a while or maybe some nicely wrapped pieces of Hojo's liver." She patted him on the shoulder. "I'm sure you will be *fine*, Cloud."
"But marriage?!" Cloud finally managed, cradling the Buster Sword as if it was a teddy bear or possibly a chastity belt. "Why? Why me?!"
"Jenova wanted a….a man. And well…." Tifa waved at the rest of Avalanche. "Honestly, who else would it be?" She pointed at Cid. "Too scruffy. The Jenovans like a bit more sophistication."
"Damn right, I ain't marryin' some remnant floozie!" Cid grumbled over his tea even as Tifa whispered in Cloud's ear:
"Besides, we really don't want the Jenovans to get their hands on rocket ship engineering skills, do we?" She pointed at Barret.
"Already has a kid. For some reason that disqualifies him in their eyes."
Barret, braiding Marlene's hair, looked very smug over this.
"Nanaki is…whatever he is. The deal was made for bipeds. And Reeve…."
"Yes, what about Reeve?" Cloud said hastily. "He's much more sophisticated than I am, doesn't have kids, I'm fairly sure he's a biped under that robe and…."
"Got affiliations with Turks. Don't you look so smug, Vincent, Aerith had to argue on you being an ex Turk to get you out of the deal. They really wanted your demon genes in the family. We still have you as a backup. There are several more Jenova sons to go after all." She waved a finger at Vincent whose smirk was quickly replaced by quiet panic. "Besides, Cloud, Jenova is big on the whole family reunion thing and you do have some of her cells in your body." Tifa took his hands and turned big, warm concerned eyes at him. "Cloud….this is your chance to be a hero. To make peace without even shedding a drop of blood. Isn't that what you wanted? What you dreamed of?"
Cloud hung his head. He knew when he had lost.
The wedding was held in Aerith's old church. That had apparently been a part of the wedding deal and the Jenovans did not look too happy about it, especially not Loz who was chewing down allergy pills like M&Ms and trying not to sneeze to hard at the flowers. Or possibly he was crying, it was hard to tell. All three of Yazoo's brothers looked snappy in their suits even though in Sephiroth's case the straight jacket kind of ruined it. Kadaj looked a bit put-out not to be the center of attention and was trying to make up for that by jumping around restlessly on his seat, squirming and generally making sure as much attention as possibly was redirected to his pouty ass in the formal shorts and stockings.
Jenova was beaming over all three of them, every bit the benevolent looking matriarch, occasionally fuzzing a bit over one of her princelings in maternal bliss.
On the other side of the church, Avalanche varied between distinctly uncomfortable and emotionally soppy, except Cid who was already sound asleep and snoring and Vincent who tried to blend in with the shadows every time a Jenovan so much as glanced at him.
Just outside the church doors, Cloud sighed and adjusted his clothes, waiting for his inevitable doom. He tried to comfort himself that things could have been worse. At least he wasn't expected to hook up with the emotional pile of mush who would probably have reduced *him* to a pile of much by crushing him on the wedding night. And not the maniac who had tried to kill him so many times. Or the spoiled little brat with all the emotional stability of a yo-yo. Although, he pondered as he peered inside and his eyes kept being drawn to that delicious bottom, perhaps that would not have been too bad…
A gunshot ran out and Cloud's biker glasses shattered.
"What the Hell?!" He roared as his future husband sassed his way up the stairs, putting away the huge gun.
"Shades on my wedding day? Did you really think I'd let you do that?" Yazoo looked splendid in his dark suit, even though it was made of leather. He walked up to the fuming Cloud and neatly brushed the shards from his shoulders. "You look absolutely fabulous in that dress, darling." He cooed with an evil smirk.
"Your mother drives a hard deal, I've been told." Gritting his teeth, Cloud managed not to rip the white material.
"Oh no, the dress was Aerith's demand. Kinky girl, I knew I liked her." Yazoo put out his arm for Cloud to take, but Cloud just stared.
"You are brining your gun to the wedding?"
"Of course. It is a family heirloom."
"No it isn't, you were created with it!"
"Then I intend to make it a family heirloom. Oh don't pout, you will find that as soon as you start giving into my whims this marriage will be a very fine thing. Sephiroth is a bit pouty over it, of course, he really wanted to try to kill you once more. We try to direct his interest to something other than world destruction or murder. You know, something he has a chance of actually succeeding in, like knitting."
Cloud was about to bolt, but a lean arm around his waist pulled him closer and suddenly Yazoo was all melting embrace and pliant body. Cloud felt his resolve weaken and Yazoo took the opportunity to slide his arm into a hook and open the door to the church. Amidst a rain of flowers and accompanied by Loz' sneezing and Reeve's emotional sobs, the two walked down the ail of the church, up to were a terrified priest had been forced to attend, probably at gunpoint. As the man started stammering the words, Yazoo leaned over and purred in Cloud's ear.
"Mother will be expecting grandchildren soon you know."
Cloud closed his eyes and remembered what Tifa said about the Jenovans driving a hard bargain. Well, he wouldn't let them run completely over him!
"Fine," he hissed back. "But we're naming the first one Zack."