Disclaimer: I do not own Suikoden. If I did, there would a lot more games out right now…
I just kind of wrote this as it came, so it's kind of random, pointless, maybe out of character, etc. Random snatches of free time in college do this to my fanfiction…
Okay then… so the narration in the story is in first-person while the flashbacks are in third, just in case! (Insert smiley face here.) Enjoy!
My life is a lie… my power is a lie… everything I've ever known… is a lie…
Reality is but an illusion to me… for I live in an illusion… and yet… I can still… why can I still feel… this pain… this frustration… this… emptiness… Why are you doing this to me? Hikusaak…
--
IS 476, one year after the Second Firebringer War… Dios has been worried about me; I can tell by the way he keeps on checking up on me whenever he gets the chance. He even goes as far as to make up some trivial excuse like, "It may start to snow sometime this week, so I've come to remind Lord Sasarai to wear warmer garments so that he does not get a cold."
A cold? That is the least of my worries… Although, I must admit that snow has not done the best for my health in past years when Dios had not been around, born would be a more correct description…
IS 447, early in the year… Sasarai ran out of the temple doors, watching the white powder that fell from the sky in amazement. This was the first time that the priests had allowed him outside during the winter, and the three-year old looked around him, jumping at the white flakes that fell towards the earth and laughing.
"Lord Sasarai!" one of the priests called gently to him. "Don't stay out too long or else you might get sick!"
"Okay!" Sasarai said. "I'll go back in after a few minutes!" He scooped up some of the snow, feeling its cold chill through his gloves.
The elderly priest walked over to him, looking at the snow in the child's hands. "You know, you could try building something with that. It'll stick together."
"Really?" Sasarai asked him.
The priest smiled. "Yes. Here, I'll help you. I used to play in the snow when I was young like you." The two toiled for half an hour, rolling the snow into three different sized spheres and stacking them up. They then decorated the snowman with some sticks and stones, along with a carrot they had found for the nose.
Sasarai laughed. "It looks like a person!"
"Of course it does. That's why it's called a snowman," the priest chuckled.
"Oh… I knew that…" the child said, looking at the "snowman." He examined its wide fake smile curiously. What a wonder it was to create something like this from frozen water! Sasarai made a mental note to try using his magic later to create something from stone, if his teachers would allow him. Another thought suddenly hit him, and he thought for a bit before muttering something that the priest did not catch at first.
"Pardon me?" he asked Sasarai.
"Um… do you think my parents are in a cold place like this?" Sasarai asked, looking away, embarrassed. "You know… with lots of snow to play with?"
The priest smiled kindly. "Of course not… They're in a never-ending Spring, where flowers line the grounds year-round." He sighed, continuing with a far-away look. "There would many animals peacefully living side by side, and the water and food would always be clean. The birds would sing in the morning. The trees give shade in the afternoon although the sun would not shine too brightly but would light the land in a beautiful light. The moon illuminates the way at night if they want to stay up late walk around the edges of glassy lakes… every single day… for the rest of eternity… what bliss…" Although Sasarai didn't notice, the priest had gone off in his own ideas of a perfect world to spend eternity in. The priest was old and had often thought of what kind of world he would have liked to live in.
"Oh…" Sasarai muttered, now looking at his feet. "That's kind of boring… being in a place that never changes…"
The priest's expression changed into something strange. The young Sasarai could not tell whether it was sadness or fear. "Don't think like that, Lord Sasarai. Now I must admit that I might have gotten carried away with that description." He chuckled. "It was the kind of world that I would've liked to live in." He smiled when Sasarai looked away, embarrassed that he had just called his mentor's dream world "boring." The priest put a hand on Sasarai's shoulder. "Don't worry, I don't mind if it's not your kind of world. Everyone has their own ideas about what is the 'perfect' world. Although… I would like you to accept that some things may never change. Please don't say that again, especially in front of the other priests…"
"Okay…" Sasarai said, unconvinced.
"Now let's go back in. We've been outside for much too long…" the priest said as he took Sasarai's hand, leading the boy back into the sheltered temple walls.
Later that night, Sasarai lay in bed with a high temperature…
"My deepest apologies… Lord Sasarai," the priest said to him, kneeling beside his bedside.
"No… I had a lot of fun," Sasarai tried to reassure the elderly man as best as he could. However, he soon fell asleep…
It took him three days to recover with the constant watch and worrying of several of the temple doctors. When he finally awoke and asked for the priest, he was told that no such person existed. It was the first time Sasarai questioned his own existence…
I wonder… what exactly have I been searching for? Whenever I look outside my window and see that snow as it passes every year, I think of that priest. I don't remember his face or his name, but I remember that he existed. At least, I think that I remembered his presense. Within each passing year, my memories start to fade, but my body does not change, not even the slightest.
I sighed. Maybe that was why Luc decided to cut his hair: to feel a little change. I scoff at those who say change is inevitable and never ending. Look at me. I'm living proof of the unchanging. And yet…
IS 470… Sasarai made his way through the temple aimlessly, thinking of what to do until the next meeting.
"Lord Sasarai!" a familiar voice suddenly called to him from behind. Sasarai recognized it as one of this former acquaitances from his magic studies. "Long time no see!" his friend said cheerfully when he had finally caught up.
"It must have been at least ten years!" Sasarai replied, quickly doing the calculations in his head.
His friend laughed. "You haven't changed much at all! I'm already feeling my age," he joked, pointing at nonexistent wrinkles. However, Sasarai suddenly noticed how short he was compared to his friend, who was no more than twenty six years of age. "Yup," his friend said after examining him. "You probably grew an inch or two since the last time I've seen you."
"Well you grew too much," Sasarai retorted.
His friend grinned. "Yeah, I was the shortest kid in class. I'm lucky I got a growth spurt eight years ago." He chuckled. "Now I can laugh at all the other guys who laughed at me!"
Sasarai smiled. "Of course. However, there are more of them than there are of you, so it may not be in your best interest to make fun of one, lest the whole bunch comes after you."
"Wow, philosopher, I'm amazed," he joked. After a while, he sighed, looking at the gardens outside the window. "You know, it must be nice to have the True Earth Rune. You get to live forever, laugh at people as they grow old, and even knock someone to their senses if they annoy you." Sasarai watched him curiously; none of the priests have ever said something like this. They had told him that he was chosen by fate to bear the True Rune, and that Hikusaak had ordered the strictest education for him. Never had anyone called his ownership of the True Rune "lucky."
Sasarai suddenly remembered something he had said long ago to one who was no longer there. "It's unchanging," he muttered.
The friend looked at him. "Unchanging is good, isn't it? Imagine being stuck playing games or relaxing for the rest of time… pure bliss!"
Sasarai smiled sadly; his friend didn't understand. After all, he was like the others; always moving, always different… "Never mind…" Sasarai said.
"Let's go grab something to drink! I'll have to sneak one to you, since they'd probably think you're underage!" his friend joked and dragged Sasarai with him…
Of course… how could I have forgotten him? Although I must admit, his name has slipped my mind just like the others. The weather outside has gotten quite cold; I can feel the wind come into the room. Did someone leave the window open? I'll go close it…
I can see the castle gardens from here. The servants from the Third Class villages who tend to these gardens would come and go, but the gardens themselves would be almost unchanging. Then again, the gardens are products of those who change, so I guess I do see differences every now and then… Some of the servants would become bored with the layout and plant a new type of flower or a strong gust of wind would sometimes blow one of the trees down.
Oh, and I recall the changing seasons would periodically alter the land from white to green to yellow and then back to white… Rarely yellow though because as soon as one plant dies, a new one from some other country replaces it. Then there's me, watching the same old cycle as it passes by every year. I wonder what my True Rune makes of this. It's been around far longer than I have and has watched numerous winters, summers, springs, and autumns. Over and over again…
A rabbit pops out from under one of the many flower bushes. It sniffs the crisp air and looks around; it is probably searching for any humans. Sometimes the servants would chase them with brooms. After all, rabbits eat the gardens that the gardeners so painstakingly tend to. I watch as it runs across the ground, its white fur already signaling the coming of snow. It disappears from my view from the window.
Snow is so white…
IS 460… "Lord Sasarai, Highland has requested aid from Harmonia. You are to lead the army to South Window and support them from there. "
"Understood…"
Later… He watched as the magician from the hill began to cast and the air around them seemed to still. Suddenly, all was confusion and the air battled with them, cutting off their breathing and throwing them off their feet. Sasarai began casting a counter spell, trying to quell the wind with his Earth Magic.
"Lord Sasarai! Look over there!" one of the soldiers yelled to him. He looked, and found himself staring at his own face, or so he thought. Unable to take it any longer, he teleported the entire army away from the grounds… he knew that they wouldn't scold him, but they would talk… He didn't care though… it was time Highland fell…
That's right… that was the first… no… second time I've met him: my brother, Luc. I do not recall exactly what was it that made me lose my will that day, but the sight of him, the sight of my own face, made me stop dead in my tracks. It was then I started to wonder just a bit if something was wrong with my life. If something might just be a little fabricated, created by storytellers and controlled by the priests who cared for me as a child… something…
A bird outside my window has decided to distract me by singing, and then I realize that it is snowing. Snow in Harmonia rarely changes. The storms are not as intense as the ones I read in books that happen in faraway lands. No… snow here falls slowly and silently covers the grounds within a few days in a soft white sheet of ice. It was never turbulent, always peaceful…
Is this what Hikusaak… my father… is aiming for? Never ending peacefulness… forever unchanging like the True Runes… I wonder if I am just the beginning; if I am merely a part of his "perfect" world. There's no way to tell though, no one knows where he is. I have never even seen him. Although… if what my brother said is true, then Hikusaak probably looks exactly like me: the same.
The same… unchanging…
Dios is calling me right now. I should really close my window, lest some snow blows in and wets the carpet. I slowly close the paneled frames shut and lock the window.
"Lord Sasarai!" I wonder if he noticed that my window was opened earlier. Maybe that's why he's here. I think sometimes Dios worries too much; he's too devoted to his duty. I admire people like him, who can believe in what he is doing and who he is pledging his loyalty to. He has grown quite a bit since the first time I saw him, even though he is younger than me…
IS 465… "Lord Sasarai!" one of the priests called to him. Sasarai looked up from the book he was reading, mildly curious. "The one assigned to you has arrived!"
"Thank you," he told the priests and left for the meeting room, abandoning his book on magic. He had been bored, having read most of the books there and knowing quite a lot about regular runes by now. He had asked for a Pale Gate Rune from the priests the other day, and they told him that they would get back to him after a few weeks, since it took some time to find that particularly rare rune.
Sasarai, not really caring whether his new assistant was waiting or not, treaded at a normal pace across the grounds. He would be late either way; the temple was far too huge, even though he knew every passage in the structure, having lived there for over twenty years already. He finally found the room he was looking for and opened the door with a cautious hand.
"Lord Sasarai," the man inside said, bowing to him. "It is my pleasure to have been assigned to you." Sasarai observed the individual, his assistant. The man had a fairly large nose and short blond hair. The beginning formation of what looked like sideburns lined the two sides of his face.
'He's probably from one of the aristocratic families,' Sasarai thought. 'His family must be trying to get some power, sending their son here…'
"It's good to have you here," Sasarai answered. He then realized that he had forgotten the guy's name. "Excuse me, but you are…"
"Dios, my lord," he answered quickly. "They have told me that I am going to be in charge of the staff and assisting you in your official activities."
'They didn't tell me that… or maybe I forgot,' Sasarai thought, surprised. 'In that case, this must a fairly capable man…'
"Tell me a bit about yourself," he commanded, not intending to sound commanding but it came out strange nevertheless.
"Of course…" Who knew that Dios would end up staying by his side for all these years?
"Lord Sasarai!" He's entered the room.
Like I said before, he worries too much. He comes into the room, looking at my window I'm betting, and then appears content as soon as he sees that it is closed. He shouldn't be so worried. I wouldn't kill myself by purposely catching a cold. Accidentally maybe, but not purposely… After all, my brother had not died trying to catch a cold. Although, I wonder if it was just his one intention of stopping Hikusaak that drove him to attempt the destruction of one of the True Runes.
"Dios, is there a problem?" I ask him, knowing well that he's just here to check up on me like usual. I have not received any orders from Hikusaak or the Council ever since right after the war, where they told me to stay in Crystal Valley and relax. I wonder if they know… they must know; they knew about Luc and his origins. There is no reason why they should not know about me.
"I… uh…" Dios begins, probably thinking of another reason of why he has decided to pay me a visit, again. It's not like I mind. I usually don't talk to many people, but it just feels as if this past year has seen a decrease in the number of visitors I had. "I came to check up on you," he finally admits.
I couldn't resist; I chuckle. "Is everyone around me worried that I will commit some irrational act?"
"What kind of act would that be?" he asks me.
I raise an eyebrow. "Suicide?"
"My lord!" he exclaims. So that was it. They thought that I would go and kill myself because I found out about my existence. As discomforting this whole ordeal, suicide seems a little… extreme, but I only mentioned it because it was in the extreme. I inwardly sigh. Oh well… lucky guess for me…
"There's nothing to be worried about," I tell him. Might as well, or else the whole temple staff would be sneaking peeks to see what I was doing, and I'll have no peace.
"Surely you don't believe what that traitor Luc has told you?" he asks me.
I close my eyes. This is all very tiring. Of course I believe what my brother has told me! How can I not? I've witnessed with my own eyes his attempt to destroy his own True Wind Rune. I've seen the methods one can use to possess more than one True Rune. I've had my True Earth Rune torn away from me and had to live without it for a few weeks. They don't understand how… how empty it is once you've had a True Rune and then let go. Owning the True Rune ever since my birth did not help my withdrawal from its loss.
"Dios, I believe him," I tell him.
"You do?" He sounds uncertain. In that case…
"Do you believe me? If you do not believe him, then you do not believe me. After all, we're one in the same."
"No you're not. Luc is Luc and Lord Sasarai is Lord Sasarai. The fact that you are twins does not make you the same person."
"Do you believe me?" I ask again. He nods. Ah, so he does believe Luc. Then those in the council must have tried to make him believe otherwise.
"That doesn't change the fact that we were both created," I say bluntly. Dios doesn't look all too happy with what I said. He must not know how to respond.
"Lord Sasarai, pardon my attempted intervention, but your state of mind is not good for Harmonia." Good for Harmonia?
"How so?"
"Well, you've been unusually quite this past year, you don't do anything else beside sit there and read, and you… you just seem out of it!" he blurts. I should've known…
"There is nothing wrong with me," I tell him. Really there isn't. There might be a lot on my mind, but it's not like I can do anything about it.
"The soldiers look to you for inspiration," he tells me. What a joke…
"I've lost every war I've ever participated in," I retort.
"They believe that that is how it should be."
"What?" Okay, now I am confused. How can he say these things with such a straight face?
Dios lowers his voice. "Some out there do not believe in the direction that Harmonia is headed."
"There are always some who does not believe in Harmonia…"
"Yes, but they feel that if Harmonia was ever deprived of its leadership, you'd be best suited for the job."
"What?" When will he ever stop joking? This is blasphemy!
"Do you believe that?" I ask him. He looked a little taken aback. After a few minutes, he nodded like before, like one who is telling another a secret that is punishable by death. Oh…
"Why…"
"I don't know. You just seem different from the rest of the leadership. Most of what you do is to protect Harmonia, not give it more power than it already has."
"I do not see what you mean."
"The Howling Voice Guild…"
"Oh…" I remember now… I had helped Nash with that bit of "trouble," but the others were not supposed to know.
"Don't worry," Dios says. "Not many people are aware of that. The Council knows of course, but they don't really care, seeing that you've effectively protected Harmonia from a possibly huge threat."
Wait, I see a problem with what Dios has said. "If they don't know about the Howling Voice Guild, then why do they think that I'll make a good leader?"
"Maybe it's because you remind them of the legendary Hikusaak."
"How so?"
"Did you even read your history?" Dios exclaims. I must admit, I enjoyed books on the use of magic more than history…
"In IS -2, Hikusaak established Harmonia with the power of his Circle Rune. It was a land of peace, perfection…"
"And now of war," I remind him.
"It is because you bear one of the True Runes that they believe you are able to bring back that past."
So that's how it is… it is because of my True Earth Rune. Ironic how something given to me by has to power turn against its creator.
Dios stood up. "I apologize," he muttered and quickly leaves. I sigh. He might not come back very soon, having said all that… Then again, he must be relieved that suicide is the last thought on my mind. How can suicide be tempting? This is bad enough, watching people around you die from old age while you yourself remain the same. If I die, then I will remain as I were forever, buried in my element, and locked in the same patch of dirt for the rest of eternity. I may be created, but I refuse to give up what has been given to me. Immortality has made me afraid of death. Besides, I doubt that the True Earth Rune would let me die. It has been very restless the past year, especially when people I do not recognize come to the temple. Has it ever been with a bearer this long?
I look outside once again at the snow covering the ground. In a few months it would be green again, just like always… like always… my existence will continue… on… and on… It is then I suddenly realize something. No, it is impossible for the world to remain unchanging. The True Runes will change it… into that dark empty world Luc told me about. I look at the back of my hand, tracing the True Earth Rune's outline on the skin. Father… I'm afraid that I disagree with your plan… I want the world to remain in its unchanging cycles… I want it to suffer with me in this way…
--
No wonder they say that my True Rune is connected to nature. It is part of the Earth, part of each cycle.
I am merely a tool, created by Hikusaak to carry the True Earth Rune. It is in my nature to turn against those who try to control me.
Note: Have you ever read a fanfiction that seemed like it didn't have a purpose? I feel like I've written one… so doomed ha ha! Yeah… thank you for reading!
Since you're read this far into my fanfiction, you might as well finish reading this: Suikoden III rocks! Whoot! Okay, I'm done.